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Old 04-14-2004, 10:45 AM   #1
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desperate mother needs advice

i have 2 beautiful kids boy 4 girl 6. my question is my little girl is very hard to handle. i can tell her to do something and she will refuse i have to tell her 5 or 6 times and then she cries and screams and will eventually do it. she constantly rolls her eyes at me when i get on her about some thing. she has flat out told me she only has to listen to her daddy not me. i lost my first child to a birth defect, so thats why i have a hard time with dicipline,but this has gone too far. i love my angels,but i am going crazy.my little boy has his moments but not many. what is the best way to deal with this? its like she treats me like this but when i go to do something she wants to be a part of it. i dont know where to start in getting this under control. any help would be appreciated. GOD BLESS TAMMY

 
Old 04-14-2004, 03:01 PM   #2
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Re: desperate mother needs advice

I can not imagine what it is like to lose a baby. I am sorry to hear about your loss. My best advice would be to look at her as an individual. You would need to do that having other children anyway. The things we teach them as children, mold and shape them into adults. They learn their work ethic through us having them do things they need to do before they do what they get to do, etc. I would also get your husband on board and let her know that you are a united front.

We are trying to establish our children being functional members of our family. As adult, we dont get something just because we ask for it. Our attitudes can lose us our jobs for example. Because of this, we have started making a rule that your attitude is your answer. If they walk around here acting bad, they don't get the things they want.

I would also try to focus on respect. Respect for her family and herself is very important as she goes through life. Children who get everything they want really are not happy. Kids can get so many things and choices about things that they are miserable because they don't know what they want anymore.

I would also lay down the line about her going with me. Again, her attitude should be her answer IMO. If she is acting horribly, she should not be allowed to go and do something fun with you. A few times of that at her age and she will get the picture.

Good luck to you and please keep in mind that this is all JMHO
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Old 04-15-2004, 08:15 AM   #3
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Re: desperate mother needs advice

My daughter has been going through the SAME thing since she was about 6. Shes 7 now, and it hasnt improved. I have tried being harder on her, telling her what I say goes to, but it hasnt seemed to work. My friends tell me Im not being hard enough on her, but I dont want to be a bully.

My mom says I went through the same thing as a child. She said it seems like most kids do. They are enrolled in school by this age, and are trying to find their own little bit of independence, kind of break away from mom more, and learn on their own. Thats just her theroy, wich seems to make sense to me. I think little girls prefer their daddies anyway! My son is 3, and he acts out a little to me, but more to his Daddy, so the dynamics are diffrent. Maybe thats why their are Daddies Girls, and Mommies Boys!

Good Luck.
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Old 04-15-2004, 09:55 AM   #4
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Re: desperate mother needs advice

Mommy of 4's response to you was beautifully written. I only have this to add. I once read this and it's what I've *tried* to practice: "ask, once, tell once, consequence".

As in, "Angel, it's time to go now. Can you please pick up your toys?" No? "Angel, pick up your toys now!". No? "You didn't pick up your toys when I told you to, you know have time out for ___ minutes". Try to ignore the crying and screaming as long as she's doing what she's told. More likely than not, she's doing it to make you feel bad (and it's working!). When she's out of time-out, she "gets" another chance to do what you've asked following the same guidelines. If it takes all day for her to figure out you mean business, then so be it. She'll figure it out!

Oh, I left out that I'd tell her ahead of time that this is how it's going to be.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 11:04 AM   #5
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Re: desperate mother needs advice

We use the strike method. I have two boys and they get 3 strikes a day. Sometimes we go thru it several times. On the third strike they are out. Time out or some privilege gets taken away. Playstation being one. Playing with friends, not going outside now that the weather is nice. My husband will get out a garbage bag and after several warnings or times being told to pick something up it gets thrown away. They hear the bag and come running to pick it up. We haven't had to throw anything away yet. I don't know if he would actually throw it away or just hide it. Sometimes they are late for special events because they weren't ready on time. The embarrassment of that makes them think too. Of course we don't let them be late for important things. Just what works for us.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 11:45 AM   #6
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Re: desperate mother needs advice

I also use the " IF you don't want your toys I will throw them away " method. I will tell my 4 year old one time to "Please pick up your toys " the second time is " If I have to pick them up, they will go in the trash ". I have had to get out the trashbag a couple of times in which if it was a good toy, it became mine for about a week and if it was a cheap toy it went into the trash with her watching. I think my daughter watching me put a treasure of hers in the trash made more of an impression her than anything else.

Any behavior problems your daughter has now needs to be nipped in the bud or she will not respect you as she gets older. My sister found this out the hard way.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 12:19 PM   #7
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Re: desperate mother needs advice

Hi Tammy,
I too have a 4 year old who is my ANGEL but he can really get stubborn. I think the thing that works for me is to first, acknowledge how he FEELS. I believe that children have the right to feel anything as feelings cannot be denied. Acknowledge that you understand that she is angry or frustrated at the fact that she has to do something that she doesn't want to do. (As I say to my husband-wouldn't you be angry if you had to put the newspaper down right when you got to a good story?) I usually start this by saying, "I know that this really hard for you-or I know that this really makes you angry but you still have to do it." These little kids do have feelings and just knowing that someone knows this helps. Then, ask them quietly to do what you need. If they don't after two requests-tell them that you will take something away if they don't comply. If they still don't do it-do it yourself and then take the item away that they wanted. Be consistent! Never falter! They will then know that things can't always go their way. Also, make sure that you and your husband are on the same wave length. Don't ever go against each other in front of the child. Many times my husband and I don't agree on what the discipline is but we keep out mouths shut until we can tell each other later. Correcting one another in front of the child is setting yourself up for problems.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 12:24 PM   #8
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Re: desperate mother needs advice

Also, if the child does some good things, PRAISE her. Children love praise.
If she is crying and finally does the thing that she doesn't want to do, try to go to something fun. Let her know that life is not all bad stuff. Children tend to change year to year and some years are better than others. Some people (like my Mother in Law) from the "old school" don't believe in these "psychological new fangled" ways of discipline. It works for me. And guess what-it actually ends up LESS stressful for me in the long run.
Print these posts out on the printer and put them in the scrap/babybook. When your child is 18, get them out and have a good laugh together.

Best of Luck,
S

Last edited by sandraelswick; 04-15-2004 at 12:28 PM. Reason: wanted to add a line

 
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