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Old 04-16-2004, 01:31 PM   #1
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lacunakitty1121 HB User
Question my fault?

I'm 17 and I have a question... Is it wrong of a parent to tell their children that its the childrens fault the marriage between their parents is falling apart? For some reason, it strikes me as very wrong. I feel it is selfish for a parent to say something like that. A marriage is between two people. If they don't agree and fight, its not the child's fault. I've been worried about my parents marriage for a while, and I asked my mom if they were 'alright.' And she said 'no' and then proceeded to tell me that its my sister and my fault mostly. Any feedback would be appreciated... thank you.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 03:01 PM   #2
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: my fault?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lacunakitty1121
I'm 17 and I have a question... Is it wrong of a parent to tell their children that its the childrens fault the marriage between their parents is falling apart? For some reason, it strikes me as very wrong. I feel it is selfish for a parent to say something like that. A marriage is between two people. If they don't agree and fight, its not the child's fault. I've been worried about my parents marriage for a while, and I asked my mom if they were 'alright.' And she said 'no' and then proceeded to tell me that its my sister and my fault mostly. Any feedback would be appreciated... thank you.
Oh my!!! Do not listen to what you are being told. Period! It is wrong! No question. Children do not cause divorces. Immature adults that do not want to accept responsibility for their actions and choices do. There is nothing you did that is relevant to their breakup. If you were behaving in a way that is causing friction or problems, then responsible parents address those problems with the children. They do not use them as excuses for marriage breakups.

Very unfortunate. If I could give you a hug, I would. Reinforce to your sister, that no matter what excuses or reasons you might hear from your mother, it is never the childrenís fault.

 
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Old 04-16-2004, 03:07 PM   #3
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Re: my fault?

I don't believe that they are going to 'break-up'/divorce, because maybe that is my irrational mind thinking, or maybe because they're just going through rough times. It just really upsets me to see them so distanced right now. I know that a lot of relationships go through that at one point or another, but its a little hard to swallow sometimes. My parents overdramatize things a lot, so I don't know if it was just out of frustration that she was telling me it was partially our fault, or if she truly meant it.

Thank you, Salinas1.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 06:53 PM   #4
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Angel77 HB User
Re: my fault?

Hey Lacunakitty....a big resounding NOOOOOOOO!!! I am 27 and came from a home that I was the main blame of everything in the family. It was so detrimental to me and I've struggled so many years to overcome it. Please don't internalize this as something you caused. I don't know a teenager who hasn't done something that causes friction between parents. But secure parents will reach an agreement between themselves about how to resolve it. If they can't, a responsible parent will seek help elsewhere. The problem is, they are struggling right now, with issues you don't have anything to do with and probably have no clue exist. They may be good at hiding what is at hand, but are taking it out on you.

I grew up this way and it hurts. They don't want to look in the mirror, so they point fingers at those around and you're the target. She may have meant it or may not have realized that it came out that way. Either way, it hurts. Now, if she meant it, it still isn't your problem. She isn't looking to the heart of the matter and refuses to do so. As long as someone can blame their problems on someone else, it's out of their control, therefore, they don't have to do anything to fix it. I don't know the relationship between you and your parents, but I'd like to know. It sounds similar to mine and I may be able to help you out.

At your age, I was already married and had one child and was still more "grown up" than my mother. It's been a painful process to learn and grow, but well worth the journey. Hopefully, we can help you make it through it a little faster and ease the pain in the here and now. You sound already more on the ball than your mom. You seem to see the situation for what it is, but it doesn't mean you don't wonder if it's your fault. But you are seeing through your mom.

For many years, in fact for about 8 years after I left the house, my mom would rip me to shreds with hateful comments. She told me I was a horrible mom, person, waste of oxygen, worthless....whatever....the turning point was that one day, during yet another tear-down session, she said something that applied only to her life and finally flipped a switch in my head. It was then I realized that all the mean and hateful things she said were things she felt guilt about as a parent/person and tried to make me feel the shame she felt, because she didn't want to be alone in the misery or face what her actions had caused in my life. So she threw the darts at my dart board. I have since learned the art of fighting fair, by puting things in a way that she can't turn around on me and things that are on her head, remain there. It feels good not to be a doormat for an unhealthy parent.

BTW, yes your mom does love you, since you are probably wondering....but it doesn't mean that she can love you in a way that doesn't hurt. This is a hard conclusion to reach, especially at a tender age. I don't know if this is just a sticky patch in an otherwise good relationship...my guess is no....but know in your heart that she does love you but is incapable of showing it, whether from her own childhood, an external influence right now or because she does not see herself for what she is and the pain she is causing.

Please, from one former wounded teen to one still wounded, you will fly. Don't let her weight become yours and ground you. You will know what this means, sooner than you know. You can't change what has happened to you, you can only blame so much on your past, the rest is up to you to change. If you can't find a way to do it on your own, seek help, self-help resources, etc. Either way, I suggest you get some type of counseling if possible. If need be, talk to your school counselor and see what options are available to you.

How is your relationship with your dad? Is dad level-headed and mom a hot-head? This is true to some extent in my house...yet another issue I'm working on for my own children's well-being. If this is it....she may be aiming at you because he feels one way about a "punishment" and she another and they're not finding common ground. Still, not your fault...but maybe a possibility of why you turned into a target.

I don't know if this is something that is suited for a parenting board, although it's with your mom, maybe the relationship board for more extensive posts. If it's inappropriate for this boards, the mods will move it to the right one. If you have more questions, holler. I would suggest though that we pick it up on the relationship board. If you choose to, please let me know on this thread and I'll look for you. Best of luck to you sweetpea, I don't envy where you are, but know by your post that you are a survivor and will turn into a diamond with the pressure, instead of dust.

With all my heart, know you are loved and if you don't mind...I'll be prayin'. You can never have too much prayer! Love, Angel
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Old 04-16-2004, 08:15 PM   #5
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lacunakitty1121 HB User
Re: my fault?

Thanks for the smile. I don't know what I smiled to your post, maybe it was the fact that it was a very personal one. My parents both have their hot-head moments, but they are usually extremely supportive of my sister and I and what we do. I mean, ya they don't always agree with us and they say things in the heat of the moment... I think my parents feel bad about what was said, because they seem pretty, well... together... I'm not going to fight fire with fire, I'm just going to wait and see how things go.
I really really appreciate your sensitivity, Angel. I don't know yet if I am going to pick this up on the relationship board... too 'doe-in-the-headlights' for the time being. But if I end up doing so, I will let you know.
Thank you again.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 08:29 PM   #6
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Angel77 HB User
Re: my fault?

Not a problem. Glad I was of some help. Understand the doe-in-the-headlights.. I've ended up road-kill a couple times because I didn't realize it until it was too late.

You sound like a great "kid" and extremely intelligent, well-thought, well-spoken and leve-headed. I have no doubt that you will make the right decision now and also later in life. I don't know if it's possible, but talk to your parents and let them know what they said hurt and that you know things are said in the heat of the moment that aren't meant...but the damage isn't permanent and can be lessened if they can admit they said something that wasn't true or wasn't meant the way it came out.

I had to explain this to my hubby. He figured once it came out and he hurt me, damage was done, move on. It took a long time to realize that it's okay to say, after he calms down, "Honey, that came out wrong. What I meant was...." Powerful and easy.

Hope things go well for you. Let me know if there's something else you think I might be helpful with.
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Old 04-16-2004, 08:49 PM   #7
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lacunakitty1121 HB User
Re: my fault?

I will... thank you again

 
Old 04-17-2004, 12:38 PM   #8
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Re: my fault?

lacunakitty1121 - NO! it is not your fault! And that was out of line for you mom to place that kind of guilt trip, burden, or whatever insane reason she felt the need to say that about you and your sister. I'm sorry that happened to you...

Here's a MOM who is divorced with a beautiful son...His father and I work very hard at being good parents to him. He didn't ask for the divorce and we did not divorce because of him.

You mom and dad are probably going through a rough period in their marriage and have lost their way of commincating. and Yes...in your eyes everything will seem like a big drama that they are making out of little things. They haven't dealt with the big issue of the problem in their marriage so the littlest of small things will trigger an agruement.

If I can offer a small suggestions, get one of those mushy cards..
The between you and me kind? Get one for you mom and one for your dad
tell them You Love Them, You hope they can work out their differences and if they don't You Still Love Them both.....

As you get older you find that your own parents can behave like children themselves..(me included ) and sometimes it takes the children to make us parents grow up.

I hope this helps...and please don't think that you or your sister are at the core of your parents fighting..They will figure it out soon or later what their problems are and hopefully it will be resolved with a Happy Ending.

 
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