It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Parenting Issues Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-19-2004, 07:37 AM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Rochester, NY USA
Posts: 957
sawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB User
Help a child develop friendships

My son is 12. There is one bully in the neighborhood that has it out for him. This prevents my son from playing in a group with the other children in the neighborhood because it's a constant struggle for the bully to just leave him alone. It is also very confusing for him because when he goes out to play, he is limited to certain areas and if he sees this bully he will leave and come home. I have talked to the mother in past summers - been in the area for over 8 years. How do I help him overcome and deal with this situation?

The harder part is that the other children have developed a 'bully' mentality towards him also. Before this child came up and started playing with all the younger kids (he is 14) the boys played fine. We'be also had all the three boys involved for sleepovers, taken them to movies, bowling, invited to birthday parties, and they never reciprocate. That is a sore issue for me. I also feel isolated in my own neighborhood. Don't get me wrong, if I go outside and see these parents/kids, I do talk to them. I have voiced concerns and they act like nothing's wrong and 'kids are kids' mentality. But they don't realize how boxed in my son feels. He can't go outside and be a kid - he has to deal with teasing. He gets along with everyone but the bully who has lived in the neighborhood longer and has tainted everyone with thoughts that my son is stupid, and a jerk.

We have stopped having sleepovers and birthday party invites. I feel there should be a balance and right now and for a while it has been one-sided.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-19-2004, 07:48 AM   #2
Inactive
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: England / Florida
Posts: 672
MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Help a child develop friendships

Wow you really have already done everything I would have suggested and as the mother of two kids, I think we've all been through similar things with our kids and let's be fair, to watch your kids cry or get worried/upset is just a knife through the heart.

I mean my last resort would be to tell these parents in no uncertain terms how it's making your kid feel and that you find their attitude offensive that they are NOT taking it seriously. Ask them how they would feel to have an evening where you all get together with the kids and talk this out and while both parents are there everyone can air everything and then possibly if that evening is even slightly successful then move them into a leisure activity so they can relax together.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 03:19 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,048
Mommyof4 HB User
Re: Help a child develop friendships

Is there a reason why your son doesn't stand up for himself? My daughter is also 12 and I am learning that there are so many things that I just have to let her handle or else that just adds to things. She was bullyed by a girl down the street until she finally stood up for herself. Now, they are not best friends but they do get along. The best thing he can do is show them that he is not afraid and willing to stand up to their taunts and abuse IMHO
__________________
Mindy (Type 1 Dx'd 11/94..Insulin Pump)

 
Old 04-20-2004, 06:34 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Rochester, NY USA
Posts: 957
sawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB User
Re: Help a child develop friendships

I asked him if he could just start playing and if the bully started in on him to just say, ' get over it - let's just play. ' Not sure what will happen because this bully has the tendency to be physical. Do you think this response is a good one? I do agree that he has to be the one to stand up to this bully - not in a confrontational way but more of a ' let's get on with' type thing. I'm going to tell him tonight exactly how you stated ' he has to show them that he is not afraid and willing to stand up to their taunts and abuse.' This kid does it to others also, it's like 'hmmmm, who shall it be today.'

 
Old 04-20-2004, 12:36 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,589
GirlHarley HB User
Re: Help a child develop friendships

Quote:
Originally Posted by sawbuck44
I asked him if he could just start playing and if the bully started in on him to just say, ' get over it - let's just play. ' Not sure what will happen because this bully has the tendency to be physical. Do you think this response is a good one? I do agree that he has to be the one to stand up to this bully - not in a confrontational way but more of a ' let's get on with' type thing. I'm going to tell him tonight exactly how you stated ' he has to show them that he is not afraid and willing to stand up to their taunts and abuse.' This kid does it to others also, it's like 'hmmmm, who shall it be today.'
I am so sorry for you son. I hate bullies and made sure my son was not bullied or to be a bully. I agree to, your son Has to Speak up. You as his mother can help with what he can say. Your son can not show this bully he is afraid of him because as long as the Bully sees the fear in your son he will continue to bully him.
I can also suggest for you being his mother and how hurtful it is to see this happening to your son,,,,Stay in the background, encourage your son to what he needs to do but let your son take matters into his hands. YES, I have done this. Your son should be enjoying his neighboorhood friends and having that time to play when not in school. Don't worry about the other parents who don't invite your son to parties...Have them at your house.
Who cares...This way not only are you keeping an eye on your son but what the other kids are doing and getting to know them.

My house is the hang out house for my son's friends, he does get invited to other houses for sleep over and hang outs...But, I really like him and his friends at my house. Call me a control freak...but I know where my son is, he's well fed, in good hands as his friends are too, I don't go for bulling, foul language, no drugs or drinking...(my son is 15 1/2) and the boys all have a great time shooting pool, jumping on the trampoline, playing hoops, or listening to that disgusting loud rap music. AND, yes....they all eat everything...But to me it's worth it...Because again, I know where my son is.

Hope this helps and good luck with your son.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 02:26 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Rochester, NY USA
Posts: 957
sawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB User
Re: Help a child develop friendships

GirlHarley, thank you for your wise words. My son always wants to play at other houses because we don't have a pool table, trampoline, basketball hoop, etc. He has friends that have beebee guns, dirt bikes, and woods behind their houses that they can play paintball in. So it's kind of tough to have them at our house. When they are here all's they can do is play ps2 or we take them bowling or to the movies.

I always wondered if when I talked to the bully's mother if I was making the situation worse. The only reason I did then was that it was getting physical and that's what I told the mother. I realize that boys will have spats and I don't go running to the mom when that happens.

I'll keep you posted throughout the summer.

thanks again!

Last edited by sawbuck44; 04-20-2004 at 02:27 PM.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 09:33 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,048
Mommyof4 HB User
Re: Help a child develop friendships

One of the things that I have found is that the bullies are usually the most insecure kids on the block. Your son may want to get an angle going. If he can find something that the bully really likes, he can take an interest in it also so they connect. Then he can try talking to the bully one on one when there is not an audience for the bully to show off in front of.

From the sounds of thing, these other parents are putting too much emphasis on buying their kids things and not enough on spending time with their kids. In my experience, parents of bullies live in total denial that their child could be capable of such things. Our bully got groundings that never stuck and was constantly over here because her mother was never home. She was searching for attention and got it in whatever way she could. I would also sit down and have a good talk with your son that these boys are a perfect example of how stuff won't make you happy.

I wish you the best of luck in this as I know how much it hurts to see someone hurt your child. It is maddening when that person is another child themselves
__________________
Mindy (Type 1 Dx'd 11/94..Insulin Pump)

 
Old 04-21-2004, 10:21 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,589
GirlHarley HB User
Re: Help a child develop friendships

Quote:
Originally Posted by sawbuck44
GirlHarley, thank you for your wise words. My son always wants to play at other houses because we don't have a pool table, trampoline, basketball hoop, etc. He has friends that have beebee guns, dirt bikes, and woods behind their houses that they can play paintball in. So it's kind of tough to have them at our house. When they are here all's they can do is play ps2 or we take them bowling or to the movies.

I always wondered if when I talked to the bully's mother if I was making the situation worse. The only reason I did then was that it was getting physical and that's what I told the mother. I realize that boys will have spats and I don't go running to the mom when that happens.

I'll keep you posted throughout the summer.

thanks again!
If you already tried speaking with the Bully's mother and nothing has changed, I see no reason to bring it up to her again. SHE should have tooked care of her son and came RIGHT over and had that kid apoloize. BUT that is my thinking if my son would ever bully someone and then have a parent come to my house to confront me. Sadly, there are some parents who JUST ignore the bullying thinking it will just go away or wow,,,my son is the Cool kid on the Block and everyone is scared of him...YEAH, but too comes back and bites you in the butt because KIDS too get sick & tired of the bully and someday...Some Kid is going to speak up to the kid or just give him a good Knock Out..Sad but true this too happens...

OH but watch the parents coming running when their poor little bully son gets his butt kicked...

Another avenue is keep your son busy with sports and other friends in his school besides the neighboor boys, let him know there is more to life then his neighboorhood. It does break my heart to see a Boy at his age go through this because we want to teach them NOT TO FIGHT,,,I don't buy into the boys will be boys attitude no more then the girls will be girls. It's true but we can also look out for there best interest and educate them on how to deal with Not so nice kids...Last resort...Sorry...KICK his BUTT!

 
Old 04-22-2004, 07:25 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Rochester, NY USA
Posts: 957
sawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB User
Re: Help a child develop friendships

That's a good point and I agree that I shouldn't have to speak to the mother again. Once at a tupperware party at another neighbor's house she was there and was asking questions. The party person said 'oh good, someone who isn't afraid to speak up' She says, 'I'm never afraid to talk.' I thought 'oh, I wonder if she is directing that one to me.' Are you saying that your son is the bully? I guess I'm thinking he is from your comment that "everyone is scared of him." What is he doing that they are scared of him? This age for boys (9 - 13 or so) is where they are 'flexing' their attitudes and volleying for position so to speak. I agree too that my son's activities should and do include sports and friends outside of the neighborhood.

The way I've taught my son is to hit back when hit first but get ready for what happens next.

Last edited by sawbuck44; 04-22-2004 at 07:25 AM.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Please Help tymcr4 HIV Prevention 12 04-27-2010 08:10 AM
A plea for help. winnertakesital Mental Health 1 04-05-2009 01:05 AM
Please Help Fast 6 Year old doesn't want to go to school!!! pengworm79 Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 5 01-27-2008 10:22 PM
Need help dealing with OCD in a child with HFA rondamr5 Autism Spectrum 10 08-13-2006 04:08 PM
please help[ DONNA J ADD / ADHD 5 01-11-2006 05:51 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:03 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!