Yelling at me - Parenting Issues Message Board

starwarzgangsta · 04-26-2004, 07:15 PM

Lately my parents have been getting into a lot of agruements. It's not tjhat I really care I just leave or ignore them. But Yesterday (Sunday) My mother woke up in a bad mood and just left for the gym. Leaving me to clean everything in the house. So I did and when she came home my cousins had come over, and in front of everyone she starts yelling at me and telling me how i am so lazy and I never do anything but I'm the one who does everything and it makes me so mad. I decided not to say anything and ignored her for the rest of the day. Then today (Monday) I came home and came straight to my room. She came in and started talking to me like nothing had happened to me. I was so mad that I started crying and yelling and she just said everything was going to be ok and that she would never do it again but that is what she has been doing since I was small and she is still doing it and it makes me so mad. What can I do to finally make her understand how I really feel about the way that she is treating me?

Mommyof4 · 04-27-2004, 11:25 AM

sadly, there is nothing you can really do to make her see things how you see them. You said that this has been ongoing since you were small? I lived in a family that was very dysfunctional. There was always yelling and after a big fight, there was always apologizing. I am now 30 and this has only recently stopped. It stopped because I changed focus from wanting my mother to change to changing myself. I changed how I reacted to her.

What I would suggest for you is to get a notebook. Write your mother a letter telling her everything that you feel. Don't hold anything back!!! Then you can do whatever with the letter. You can decide to give it to her, destroy it, or just tuck it away. The simple act of getting it all out is very therapeutic. Secondly, I would take the same notebook and start writing down the things that I did toward helping the family that day. It will give you a good idea if you are actually doing all that you think you are and you can use it to show her what all you are doing when she thinks you have done nothing.

You didn't mention a lot about your mother. Does she work full time or are there other children in the situation? From the fights you describe between your parents, that can be distraction enough. When someone is very distracted like that, they can see problems as a whole but have a hard time breaking them down and being realistic. Your mother may not be able to see a load of laundry done or a room picked up. She may only see a whole house that looks bad. You have to help her see the little things. Adults can also seek control wherever they can find it. My mother felt that she didn't have any control over where her relationship with my dad went so she was a control freak when it came to me and my sister. We were easier to control than her marriage.

It sounds like she is a very emotional person who stops to think only after everything has taken place. I would take how she is and use it to my advantage by stopping to look at entire situations, thinking before you react, and living a life where you don't have to spend half of it apologizing to people. You may not be able to control her but you can mold and shape yourself not to be like that. Good luck

TeTr01 · 04-28-2004, 09:33 AM

Sounds a lot like the way I grew up. My father is b-polar, so he can go from a good mood to a bad one in seconds. He will be fine, then all of a sudden start yelling about anything, then later act like nothing happened - no appologies.

I am not saying that your mother is BP, but there is obviously a reason she can't control the anger when it gets to the point of yelling at you for no reason & then later acting as if nothing happened. Esp if this has alway gone on that you remember, then there is nothing YOU can do to change her behavior. She is an adult, she needs to recognize that she's got a problem that she needs to get a hold of & find a way to change that. If she doesn't recognize it & even if you try to tell her & she still doesn't see it, then things most likely won't get better.

I am sorry you have to go thru this, I know how bad it is b/c I have been there. Things didn't get better, sadly, till my parents separated & my father left the house when I was 17. Now I'm 21, they are divorced & it's still not better... but I choose not to deal with my father b/c he has mental issues that he chooses not to address & I can't handle the kind of person he is without him getting help. But hopefully things will work out different with your mother & she will find the help that she needs to overcome this.

tari · 05-01-2004, 10:06 PM

My mother was only 21 when she had me. She had always gotten her way and would pout like a child when she didn't. She still does that and she's almost 60! I feel bad for her though, because I think she felt that her own worth was based on the material success of her family. She doubted my ability to succeed every step of the way, but would be the first to brag if I had any notable achievements. I'm not sure if she has ever known true happiness because everything depends on how others might perceive her or her children. I'm in my 30's, happily married and expecting, and she won't tell our relatives about those things, because she is ashamed that I have a much more prestigious career than he does (in her eyes). I think it's terrible that she is cheating herself out of having the pride to say, "My family is happy," and let that be enough.

It is hard when those in need end up nurturing their caregivers. Your mother yells at you because she needs to yell at someone. It is not fair that it seems like you're always the sounding board. She's fine the next day, because she got it out of her system, kind of the same way the weather is beautiful after a huge nasty storm. But you're still left literally to pick up the mess. I don't know how old you are, whether it would be more helpful for you to talk to a school counselor, a pediatrician/doctor, or some other impartial adult in a position to listen, but please get to someone soon. This really isn't about you, even though it might feel like it. You will get to a point when you become relatively immune to its effects.

I wish you all the best in getting through this difficult time. Just remember that she's not yelling at you; she's using you as a mirror to yell at herself.

Take care,

tari