*rant*: My mother ruined my self-esteem - Parenting Issues Message Board

Dark Stranger · 04-29-2004, 05:16 PM

For teh longest time I kept wondering why I can't give myself credit for anytihng, no matter how hard I work, or why I'm almost too scared to start my life. The reason? My mom. How, you ask? I came across a newspaper article regarding children's mental health, and my mom did everything wrong. Read on:

1. Always commend your child on their achievements; if you say "That's looks okay" or "You can do better", then you will destroy their selm-esteem.

2. Being protective is good, but too much can hurt mentally. Parents who do not let their kids be with friends or leave the house to have fun are ruining them and will make the afraid to live in the real world.

3. Don't scorn your child for small things; screaming at the nonstop will make them paranoid, depressed, and afraid to make a mistake so badly that they will refuse to try and do something new, even if it would be inevitably beneficial.

............

There was one more...I forgot it, though. Okay I did some paraphrasing but the main ideas are all there. My mom never told me I did good with anything, she NEVER commended me on my artwork - she actually yelled at me to stop doing it. She also would scream at me if I forgot a homework assignment, and then my grandparents would get into it and they would all be fighting. She doesn't let me go anywhere nor did she ever, so I am deathly scared of living on my own now and getting a job and such because I'm too scared I'll mess up somehow.

So parents, this is just a reminder to you to not be really really harsh with your disciplinary measures; you might ruin your child. I am living proof of that.

Dark Stranger

Mommyof4 · 04-29-2004, 10:50 PM

Out of curiosity, I have to ask, what is your plan to change your life? The things that happen to us as children mold and shape the adults we become. It is very important for parents to make their childs self esteem a priority.

All of that being said, it is also important for a survivor of abuse to acknowledge the abuse and move on. To stay paralyzed with fear gives the parent even more power. I know about abuse. I went to school with handprints on my face, I was a constant screw up as a child, I searched for attention in any way I could find it. This is why I am 30 with a 12 year old.

At a certain point, I decided that I wasn't going to give her anymore power over me. I wasn't going to let the things that she did control my self esteem or dictate how I lived my life. I decided that my past affects my present but it does not have to control my future. I may not be able to have a good mom but I can choose to be a good mom.

So I ask... What are your plans?

HeyThere · 04-30-2004, 07:17 AM

Sounds like an opressive parenting situation with power issues. I am happy you were able to break free of that cycle. You just helped many or possible hundreds to come who would have continued to display some or all of those oppressive actions toward others and their children. So Thank You for bearing your cross and sharing it with all, there is purpose/opportunity in everything we just don't see it when we are in the middle of it. Thanks messenger.

HeyThere · 04-30-2004, 07:36 AM

I think we have been lucky to have all this information at our fingertips but our parents did not all they had was something like this if they were lucky unless they studied whole heartedly child pyschology and stages of learning:

Children learn what they live (Anonymous)

If a Child lives with Cristicism, he learns to Condemn
" with Hostility, one learns to Fight
" with Ridicule, one learns to be Shy
" with Shame, one learns to be Guilty
" with Tolerance, one learns to be Patient
" with Encouragement, one learns Confidence
" with Praise, one learns to Appreciate
" with Fairness, one learns Justice
" with Security, one learns to have Faith
" with Approval, one learns to like Oneself
" with Acceptance and Friendship, One learns to find Love in the World.

Something to Do, Some one/thing to Love, Something to Look forward to.

Angel77 · 04-30-2004, 08:50 AM

Well, glad to say I'm on the end of the stick that's healing now.

My mom was less than perfect and dished it out regularly. She got worse after our dad died when I was 4 and sister was 2....I became the lucky target of her rages. I had heavy wooden brushes chucked at the base of my skull, wooden spoons broken on my but, among other things...the worst was the unpredictability of it all. Punishment wasn't based on action, but on her mood of the moment! And the verbal abuse was the worst.

I did fine with my oldest until he got into school. My theory is that I started to disconnect from him when he became the age I did when I lost my childhood and turned into the scapegoat.

I have been in some wonderful parenting classes for the last few months and I'm learning a lot. It's funny how as parents, you assume you should know everything and asking for help implies a weakness or sign of being a bad parent. It couldn't be further from the truth. I've learned so much and it's funny that when a simple concept could be implemented, you need someone else to show you how to apply it....makes such a difference.

There has been almost no yelling, better communication, etc. He's struggling with it because it's different for him. But I know it will work out. But being abused is no reason to not take the steps is just awful and will be one of the biggest regrets in your life when your child looks at you and you know you could have done better.

Don't let excuses stop you from being a good parent.