For teh longest time I kept wondering why I can't give myself credit for anytihng, no matter how hard I work, or why I'm almost too scared to start my life. The reason? My mom. How, you ask? I came across a newspaper article regarding children's mental health, and my mom did everything wrong. Read on:
1. Always commend your child on their achievements; if you say "That's looks okay" or "You can do better", then you will destroy their selm-esteem.
2. Being protective is good, but too much can hurt mentally. Parents who do not let their kids be with friends or leave the house to have fun are ruining them and will make the afraid to live in the real world.
3. Don't scorn your child for small things; screaming at the nonstop will make them paranoid, depressed, and afraid to make a mistake so badly that they will refuse to try and do something new, even if it would be inevitably beneficial.
There was one more...I forgot it, though. Okay I did some paraphrasing but the main ideas are all there. My mom never told me I did good with anything, she NEVER commended me on my artwork - she actually yelled at me to stop doing it. She also would scream at me if I forgot a homework assignment, and then my grandparents would get into it and they would all be fighting. She doesn't let me go anywhere nor did she ever, so I am deathly scared of living on my own now and getting a job and such because I'm too scared I'll mess up somehow.
So parents, this is just a reminder to you to not be really really harsh with your disciplinary measures; you might ruin your child. I am living proof of that.
Out of curiosity, I have to ask, what is your plan to change your life? The things that happen to us as children mold and shape the adults we become. It is very important for parents to make their childs self esteem a priority.
All of that being said, it is also important for a survivor of abuse to acknowledge the abuse and move on. To stay paralyzed with fear gives the parent even more power. I know about abuse. I went to school with handprints on my face, I was a constant screw up as a child, I searched for attention in any way I could find it. This is why I am 30 with a 12 year old.
At a certain point, I decided that I wasn't going to give her anymore power over me. I wasn't going to let the things that she did control my self esteem or dictate how I lived my life. I decided that my past affects my present but it does not have to control my future. I may not be able to have a good mom but I can choose to be a good mom.
Sounds like an opressive parenting situation with power issues. I am happy you were able to break free of that cycle. You just helped many or possible hundreds to come who would have continued to display some or all of those oppressive actions toward others and their children. So Thank You for bearing your cross and sharing it with all, there is purpose/opportunity in everything we just don't see it when we are in the middle of it. Thanks messenger.
I think we have been lucky to have all this information at our fingertips but our parents did not all they had was something like this if they were lucky unless they studied whole heartedly child pyschology and stages of learning:
Children learn what they live (Anonymous)
If a Child lives with Cristicism, he learns to Condemn
" with Hostility, one learns to Fight
" with Ridicule, one learns to be Shy
" with Shame, one learns to be Guilty
" with Tolerance, one learns to be Patient
" with Encouragement, one learns Confidence
" with Praise, one learns to Appreciate
" with Fairness, one learns Justice
" with Security, one learns to have Faith
" with Approval, one learns to like Oneself
" with Acceptance and Friendship, One learns to find Love in the World.
Something to Do, Some one/thing to Love, Something to Look forward to.
Well, glad to say I'm on the end of the stick that's healing now.
My mom was less than perfect and dished it out regularly. She got worse after our dad died when I was 4 and sister was 2....I became the lucky target of her rages. I had heavy wooden brushes chucked at the base of my skull, wooden spoons broken on my but, among other things...the worst was the unpredictability of it all. Punishment wasn't based on action, but on her mood of the moment! And the verbal abuse was the worst.
I did fine with my oldest until he got into school. My theory is that I started to disconnect from him when he became the age I did when I lost my childhood and turned into the scapegoat.
I have been in some wonderful parenting classes for the last few months and I'm learning a lot. It's funny how as parents, you assume you should know everything and asking for help implies a weakness or sign of being a bad parent. It couldn't be further from the truth. I've learned so much and it's funny that when a simple concept could be implemented, you need someone else to show you how to apply it....makes such a difference.
There has been almost no yelling, better communication, etc. He's struggling with it because it's different for him. But I know it will work out. But being abused is no reason to not take the steps is just awful and will be one of the biggest regrets in your life when your child looks at you and you know you could have done better.
Don't let excuses stop you from being a good parent.
If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!
My mother was more interested in being "friends" with my sister and I, that we had to look towards our grandmother when we needed a mother. I, personally, had friends; I didn't need another. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my sister was 2 1/2 - 3. I remember being left with my grandmother alot when I was younger. My mom really didn't step to the plate until I was pg with my daughter @ the age of 17; by then it's a little too late to start parenting someone who's about to be a parent herself. I VIVIDLY remember the day my daughter's father left me when I was 5 months pg. She was out on a date and I called her hysterically crying and the ONLY thing she could tell me was that she was on a date and to call my grandma. She was never really there when I was younger. She was always out partying, coming home just in time to change her clothes and go straight to work, still reeming from the night before. When she was there, she did nothing but scream & throw things at us. I remember one day when I was about 13/14, I didn't want to go to summer school (I wanted to go to the beach with her) and she screamed at me and tried to hit me in the face with a wooden cooking spoon (I moved my face and the spoon broke on my neck). My mom has a very BAD habit of taking her crap out on us and she still does it to this day! She never learned to seperate the trauma in her personal life from her role as a mother.
I have ALWAYS felt that nothing I did was ever good enough for her. I sometimes find myself doing things for other people just for some sort of approval. She never encouraged us, never praised us; I never heard "great work, honey" or "I'm so proud of you", which is probably why I have no confidence in regards to anything I do today at the ripe old age of 25 . My father on the other hand, is GREAT!!! I love him so much!! He was always giving us everything that my mom wasn't, emotionally/mentally; he still does. Unfortunately, financially he couldn't care for my sister and I so we lived with her and bounced back and forth between her and my step father (who physically abused me; when I also learned to fight & defend myself) and my grandmother.
The only thing that's bad is when, subconsciously (sp?), you start carrying over those same parenting skills with your own children - it's what your parents know & learned and now what you know & learned. The only thing one can do is learn from the situation and try to change the pattern with your own children, which is what I'm trying to do now. I don't want my daughter growing up with the same fears that I had/have, having a baby @ 17, etc. I want her to grow up without fears, having good self-esteem, & lots of confidence in everything she does in life.
It is so very true, children learn what they live.
That's a very good question, Mommyof4...I'm hoping that I'll eventually overcome my fears, because next year is my last year of high school, and then I'm going to be in college. I've been trying to "prepare" myself for it...my mom always thought she was helping me by studying with me whenever I had any exams...but by doing that I never learned how to study on my own and I've been trying to learn since last year to do that because I knew she wouldn't be there to baby me with my studies in college. I'm glad I have gained this small skill in the least.
But as I said...I'm praying that I find the courage to accept my life no matter how difficult it may be. I've always had these visions of me hanging myself or shooting myself because of debts I couldn't pay back or problems that were too complex for me to solve. And I've always said that if I live through college it would be a miracle...but I do hope I shape up a bit before I start my life.
But thank you everyone for your input on this topic.
Well, you have my admiration for having the sense enough to start fixing things at your age. I didn't truly grasp the problem and start to deal with it until I was in my mid 20's. I so wish I had been your age with the same clarity.
You have powers within you that have been untapped. Since you are aware of your past, you can go into situations logically instead of emotionally. That goes a long way.
I wish you the best and congrats on the study skills!!