what to do with a VERY stubborn 4 year old? - Parenting Issues Message Board

mommajessibelle · 05-06-2004, 03:22 PM

My son will be 4 on monday and I'm loosing my mind with him lol. He has started this thing with doing what he wants when he wants,we tell him to do something and he either tells use No or flat out ignores us. We have tried different things like taking away treats and tv time tried taking away toys doing the "time out" thing and nothing is working the only thing he really cares about is going outside. Is it wrong of me to take away his outside privelage until he does what we ask? or is that just going to far for a 4 year old. Like for instance I have been asking him all day to pick up his toys and put them in the toy box. It's still not done so I am getting ready to go do it myself. what do i do? I am going nuts! He is the middle child and his older sister recently started going to preschool and my brother got gaurdionship(sp) of a 3 year old and I have started watching him during the day. could this all just be too much for him? All day long I have 3 kids here ages 2,3,and4 and then when his sister gets home from school at 4 she is here and she is 5 but Caleb leaves at 5:30 so all 4 of them are only together for about 1.5 hours could all this change be the culprit or is it just him and his age?

Mommyof4 · 05-07-2004, 08:46 PM

Please don't take any of this as being harsh. You ABSOLUTELY have the right to keep him from going outside. A a parent, we have to find what works. If nothing else works to get him motivated but keeping him inside, use it. By going in there and doing it for him, he learns nothing

I have a 12 year old who I made every excuse for. She was going through too much, she was sad from my divorce, she was going through change with new siblings, etc. I didn't have her do anything because I didn't want her upset about anything. Now, I am having to go back and redo so many things. I am trying to teach her basic skills that she should have learned when she was your sons age. I don't do that with my little one's and the attitude change is amazing. They don't whine and cry so much because they know that I won't give in. I know that I am only trying to teach them basic life skills like cleaning up after themselves so there is no reason to feel guilty about it. What works with my little one's is to sit in the room with them while they do it. We sings songs and race to see who can clean the room the fastest. Telling a child to do something when they are not used to doing it doesn't do much good. You have to go in there and watch them do it and cheer them on.

I also don't allow my children to tell me "no"... EVER. As they get older, they have more rights and they are able to tell me how they feel about things. My 12 year old is allowed to negotiate with me and there are times she gets her way. At 4, 3, and 21 months... It is only defiance that leads them to tell me no and it doesn't work.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like all of it is just too much for him as he needs to be given credit for his natural resilience. It sounds like excuses are being made for his behavior which doesn't do him any good down the road. Good luck

sgibson · 05-08-2004, 10:57 AM

Again, please don't take this as being too harsh, but I think you aren't giving your 4 year old enough credit. At the tender age of 4, he has already learned how to manipulate you. Every time you pick up those toys, you are teaching that child that the more he tells you no, screams, cries, or whatever it takes, he gets his way. What do you think is going to happen when that child is 16? He is going to either be totally ignoring you or telling you what to do. You have to teach them respect and obedience at a young age. If this child is already telling you no and refusing to do what you tell him on a regular basis, you have some work to do. No, I don't think it's too harsh to take away his outside priveledges. You have to do what works. You also need to realize no matter how you choose to retrain this child that at the beginning it's going to be difficult. He is probably going to tell you no, cry louder and act out worse than he ever has because he knows that has always worked in the past. What YOU have to do however, is do NOT give in. Stay with him until everything is picked up. Be prepared to spend possibly hours depending on how stubborn he is. When you are at your wits end, keep in mind if you cave and do it yourself, he has WON. And yes, he will consider this a victory. He will KNOW he can control you with his tantrums. Good Luck and you can do it, it's just going to take time and lots of patience and love.

God Bless,
Sherry