It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Parenting Issues Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-19-2004, 07:50 AM   #1
Veteran
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 319
PAISLEY HB User
Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

Hi All~
I posted here about a month ago about my child's father whom I have been thinking about taking to court for child support now after 4 years of my daughter's young life. Well, I haven't done it yet, but I do have the papers.

This is a summary of what I posted about him last time: He's never been a constant in her life. He offers no financial or emotional support to her, except for a few dollars here and there. I did the math and he has given me, over the past four years, about $16.00 a month! But, he feels he's entitled to just see her and call ANYtime he gets the itch. I've let it go on for this long, I will admit because I just didn't want to MAKE him be a father by taking him to court. I really believed all of this lies that he would do right by her and he hasn't....Also, he was picked up for DUI in February, can't keep a job and smokes pot heavily.

I also should add that my boyfriend has been her father-figure for the past 3 years and treats her like she is his own. He wants to adopt her when we get married.

So... He calls last night (mind you he hasn't called since Easter and before that, he called in early February promising that he would come pick her but instead he got thrown in jail for DUI) and asks can he pick her up "at the end of this month" for a birthday party that his cousin is having. I instantly go into shock mode (I don't know why this is how he's been for as long as I can remember) and I can't believe that he has the audacity to continue this bs...and remembering what someone told me when I posted last time... that if he pays NO child support he gets NO visitation...I *eventually* said "NO, you can't see her. Either give up your rights or get ready to go to court for back child support." He says that he is not giving up his rights and hangs up the phone.

As I stated I have not yet taken him to court b/c #1 in my heart of hearts, I really do not want him to have ANY rights to my daughter. He has already proven that he doesn't want to be a father. And #2 she doesn't really know him like that to be going off with him and of course, all of his bad habits. I did allow him to talk to her on the phone and do you know she did not even recognize his voice and actually called him about 3 different people before he told her who he was??? SICKENING!!!!!!! I don't even know why I did that.

After all of this, I felt so shaken and nervous and a little guilty. I've never told him that he couldn't see her it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong by HER not him. I just want to be a good mother and do what's best for my child.

Why do I feel guilty? I need to get some control over my emotions with this. What should I do?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-19-2004, 08:07 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
Posts: 560
MandyAnne26 HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

First off i do not think that visitation and child support should even be in the same category. A child does not need to be denied acess to a parent because they do not pay. When they are all grown up and wonder why they couldn't see the other parent they aren't going to care whether or not he/she paid support they are going to be angry that they were denied acess and a relationship because of money. That being said your situation does not seem so cut and dry. You need to let him know that under no circumstances is he to be in and out of her life, he is either to be a positive person in her life or is to not be in it. If your child has a positive male role model than i would not push for her to see her father. let him know that if he wants visitation than it'll have to be done through the courts, you can have a child support order done up at the same time. That way it is documented what his obligations are when it comes to support and what your obligations are when it comes to visitation. If he has personal issues that make a situation that wouldn't be safe for your daughter (dui is a huge red flag) to be alone with him than push for supervised visits. Either way it needs to be delt with. If he is not in a position to be a positive role model to your daugther than the courts need to know that. But either way it would be best if you went to court and had all of this done so that he can't argue about what to pay or argue that you don't allow him to see her because if it's court ordered than both of you need to comply with what is ordered. With some men it's just the fight they like if you do take him to court and he's alowed visitation than who knows if he'd even show up to it.
Most important is your daughters well being, she has 2 loving parents right now and who knows what'll happen if her biological father decides to take a more active role in her life, but no matter what she needs to know that you and your boyfriend love her and that the problems that her biological father has have nothing to do with her. It's a tough situation, but i think court is the best place to decide these things, they can take into acount his past history with her, his present history, his mental state, etc before allowing any visitation.

 
Old 05-19-2004, 08:30 AM   #3
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Hollywood, FL - USA
Posts: 1,000
KimRick HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads


You should NEVER feel guilty about that!!! He's the one that should feel the guilt! I've been dealing with my daughter's dead beat father for the last 8 1/2 years. I didn't file for support until she was 3; I gave him EVERY opportunity to be a father and he refused. I even gave him the option of forgoing support and just being a father to her and he didn't want that either! The last time he actually laid eyes on her was when she was 3 1/2 months old! She has no idea as to what this person even looks like and vice versa! If it's not good for your daughter's well-being then you have EVERY right not to let him see her, especially if he's not financially contributing to her well-being. Do you HONESTLY want her to know & be around someone who abuses drugs and alcohol? What's going to happen one day when you're nice enough to let him be a dad for the day and he's been drinking or doing drugs that day & (Lord forbid) something happens? I would beat him to the court house and file! My daughter's biological sperm donor is currently sitting in jail as we type for not paying his child support! He currently owes me about $60,000.00 in back child support, not including penalty fees etc. You can give someone so many chances to be a father before you have to throw in the towel for the benefit of the child. Being a father is a full time deal, not when he gets the itch or when there's a party to go to. Can you imagine the psycholoical damage that he's going to cause her as she gets older by popping in & out of her life like that? NO child deserves to have either parent do that! If you have the power to stop it now, do so - for her. Let this other man, your fiance, be a father for her. He's there every day & I'm sure he is the only one she knows to be her father. He doesn't have to sign over his rights for you to take him to court to get control over this situation. The only thing you need to do is tell the judge that he's a convicted drug/alcohol abuser, he's a father only when he wants to be, request to have him drug tested to prove your claims, and explain to the judge that you fear for the safety of the child & her well-being by letting this man have his time with her (sporadically, when he's in the "mood").

GOOD LUCK!!!

Last edited by KimRick; 05-19-2004 at 08:34 AM.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 08:32 PM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 53
usedtobefrosty HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

I wouldn't feel guilty at all. I was one of those kids that had a dad just like that. He never helped, and he only came around when he felt like it. I was terrified of him. If he isn't going to be a positive constant in your daughter's life, keep telling him no.
__________________
Steph, mum of Emma- March 14, 2003

 
Old 07-31-2004, 11:05 AM   #5
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: mi
Posts: 75
foofoo65 HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

Child support and visitation are 2 different things. He will get thrown in jail for not paying, if they can find him, on the same note, you will get thrown in jail if you dont allow visitation. Alot of men, including my ex with his child by the first wife, will give up parental rights just to be let off paying, if the back support gets high enough. I have 2 children by my ex, divorced 10 yrs, have only been actually getting support for 2, and then only from disability because he walked in front of a moving car.

 
Old 07-31-2004, 12:39 PM   #6
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 158
dalesgirl HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

Quote:
Originally Posted by PAISLEY
Hi All~
.and remembering what someone told me when I posted last time... that if he pays NO child support he gets NO visitation...I *eventually* said "NO, you can't see her. Either give up your rights or get ready to go to court for back child support." He says that he is not giving up his rights and hangs up the phone.

This statement is NOT true!! Child Support and Visitation are VERY VERY separate issues. If there is a court order for visitation and he requests to utilizes it no matter how long it's been since the last contact and you refuse you could be held in contempt. Do not take this as a bash because trust me I've been in your situation.. I'm just warning you for laws sake.

Every state has different laws on TPR's and it's hard to say if you qualify. Most require 1 year no contact AND no support before they will even consider it and if he contests it then there's an even bigger fight. I see your b/f says he'd like to adopt the child but also in most states they require you to be married for one year before a step-parent adoption takes place AND and TPR can't be done without the adoption. Type in "Termination of Parental Rights" with your state name in your search engine and you will be bombarded with loads of information.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 09:52 AM   #7
Veteran
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 319
PAISLEY HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

Thanks for the replies.

Can someone explain to me the difference between child support and visitation?? I mean, I thought that if you pay child support then you get visitation, but if you don't pay child support then you don't get visitation. I don't plan to refuse to let him see the child if he is paying child support. However, right now there is no child support in place because I have never taken him to court. And I am still not sure if I want too. This is all so difficult for me and very emotional.

He is not a positive person and I don't feel comfortable with him in her life.

Any more opinions on this??

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:54 PM   #8
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 158
dalesgirl HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

If there is NO court orders for anything then legally no support is due and no visitation HAS to be granted. If there is not a visitation agreement SIGNED by a judge then there is no LEGAL obligation to provide the child for visiitation. HOWEVER.... CS and VISITATION are SEPARATE issues. One has nothing to do with the other. A parent can never pay a dime and still legally receive visitation. ON the other side if there is a CS order and not a visitation order CS will be paid without legal visitation.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 11:04 PM   #9
Veteran
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 305
letfayhol HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

I agree with KimRick...

Do not feel guilty about anything you decide to do as long as your daughters best interest is in mind...
My son is 10 and has never met his father...I finally took him to court 7 years ago and before the hearing, I told him that if he would just visit and be an active participant in his life I would not request child support... He said " I don't want to be a father right now" So, I sued him for support... I have been lucky in the fact that he does pay every month and I can count on that, but he refuses to put him on his medical plan which is court ordered and he has yet to visit our son...I have thought about going to court for the medical, but trying to give him his space and be nice hoping that someday he will come and meet his son...
I also have a daughter with my ex husband... She knows him, but he is not consistant and it's a battle every month getting him to pay... As of now, he is $10,000 behind in his support... I won't deny her seeing him, however he comes to my house. He has anger issues, drinks to much and frankly only shows up about once every 4-6 months to get back in good graces...
I don't know which is better... A fahter who never comes around or one who comes part time and breaks promises on a regular basis...
I know that if I get married again my ex would fight tooth and nail to keep rights just so he will have a hold on me... It would have nothing to do with our daughter. I also know that my sons fahter would gladly sign off rights if asked, but I doubt I will do that, because personal or financial I expect him to assist in the care of this child...

Whatever you decide.......Good luck

 
Old 08-04-2004, 07:03 AM   #10
Veteran
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 319
PAISLEY HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

Quote:
Originally Posted by letfayhol
I agree with KimRick...

Do not feel guilty about anything you decide to do as long as your daughters best interest is in mind...
My son is 10 and has never met his father...I finally took him to court 7 years ago and before the hearing, I told him that if he would just visit and be an active participant in his life I would not request child support... He said " I don't want to be a father right now" So, I sued him for support... I have been lucky in the fact that he does pay every month and I can count on that, but he refuses to put him on his medical plan which is court ordered and he has yet to visit our son...I have thought about going to court for the medical, but trying to give him his space and be nice hoping that someday he will come and meet his son...
I also have a daughter with my ex husband... She knows him, but he is not consistant and it's a battle every month getting him to pay... As of now, he is $10,000 behind in his support... I won't deny her seeing him, however he comes to my house. He has anger issues, drinks to much and frankly only shows up about once every 4-6 months to get back in good graces...
I don't know which is better... A fahter who never comes around or one who comes part time and breaks promises on a regular basis...
I know that if I get married again my ex would fight tooth and nail to keep rights just so he will have a hold on me... It would have nothing to do with our daughter. I also know that my sons fahter would gladly sign off rights if asked, but I doubt I will do that, because personal or financial I expect him to assist in the care of this child...

Whatever you decide.......Good luck

WOW! Thanks for sharing.

 
Old 08-04-2004, 06:06 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 858
madhatter HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

For the kids sake,let the father see the child,and a.s.a.p file the papers! You need help raising the child,what are you waiting for? I know in n.y. state,they take 16% out of there paycheck,and if they don't pay,they take there drivers license,and if they don't pay after that,JAIL TIME! I just wonder how this guy sleeps at night?

 
Old 08-05-2004, 07:20 AM   #12
Veteran
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 319
PAISLEY HB User
Re: Dealing with Deadbeat Dads

Quote:
Originally Posted by madhatter
For the kids sake,let the father see the child,and a.s.a.p file the papers! You need help raising the child,what are you waiting for? I know in n.y. state,they take 16% out of there paycheck,and if they don't pay,they take there drivers license,and if they don't pay after that,JAIL TIME! I just wonder how this guy sleeps at night?
I plan to talk with an attorney this week. You know, that is a good question as to what have I been waiting for???? I guess I've been waiting on him to step up to the plate and be a father. He has promised he'd do it over the years and he also said he would take himself to court. He was very convincing and I had heard of so many horror stories surrounding taking a man to court for child support that it freaked me out. Plus, I have a very good family support system who helps out tremendously financially with my daughter and really never needed anything from him. However, I know that it's not their responsibility, but his and he needs to be held accountable.

My child does not know him well and he does not know anything about her. If he does call, he doesn't ask her anything about her school, her hobbies...ANYTHING...He just says "You know daddy loves you" She could not even recognize his voice over the phone. I wish he would just give up his rights so we don't have to be worried and stressed over this anymore. It's so depressing and stressful. There is someone else who will GLADLY step up and be a father to my child and I want him to be. She needs stability, consistency and a father who will nurture her!!!

Thanks for listening!!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Deadbeat Dad returns writeleft Parenting Issues 4 06-20-2009 04:05 PM
Pssd!!!!!!!!! elderly dads' medical records kindspirit Thyroid Disorders 3 12-10-2008 01:54 PM
Dealing or Not? CharlieCat Death & Dying 7 11-02-2006 03:18 PM
Dealing with Dad's Suicide kittrellk Grief & Loss 19 03-21-2006 09:18 PM
hard time dealing with 3 losses in less than a year plutox6 Death & Dying 9 10-29-2005 04:19 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:07 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!