Hi All~
I posted here about a month ago about my child's father whom I have been thinking about taking to court for child support now after 4 years of my daughter's young life. Well, I haven't done it yet, but I do have the papers.
This is a summary of what I posted about him last time: He's never been a constant in her life. He offers no financial or emotional support to her, except for a few dollars here and there. I did the math and he has given me, over the past four years, about $16.00 a month! But, he feels he's entitled to just see her and call ANYtime he gets the itch. I've let it go on for this long, I will admit because I just didn't want to MAKE him be a father by taking him to court. I really believed all of this lies that he would do right by her and he hasn't....Also, he was picked up for DUI in February, can't keep a job and smokes pot heavily.
I also should add that my boyfriend has been her father-figure for the past 3 years and treats her like she is his own. He wants to adopt her when we get married.
So... He calls last night (mind you he hasn't called since Easter and before that, he called in early February promising that he would come pick her but instead he got thrown in jail for DUI) and asks can he pick her up "at the end of this month" for a birthday party that his cousin is having. I instantly go into shock mode (I don't know why this is how he's been for as long as I can remember) and I can't believe that he has the audacity to continue this bs...and remembering what someone told me when I posted last time... that if he pays NO child support he gets NO visitation...I *eventually* said "NO, you can't see her. Either give up your rights or get ready to go to court for back child support." He says that he is not giving up his rights and hangs up the phone.
As I stated I have not yet taken him to court b/c #1 in my heart of hearts, I really do not want him to have ANY rights to my daughter. He has already proven that he doesn't want to be a father. And #2 she doesn't really know him like that to be going off with him and of course, all of his bad habits. I did allow him to talk to her on the phone and do you know she did not even recognize his voice and actually called him about 3 different people before he told her who he was??? SICKENING!!!!!!! I don't even know why I did that.
After all of this, I felt so shaken and nervous and a little guilty. I've never told him that he couldn't see her it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong by HER not him. I just want to be a good mother and do what's best for my child.
Why do I feel guilty? I need to get some control over my emotions with this. What should I do?
First off i do not think that visitation and child support should even be in the same category. A child does not need to be denied acess to a parent because they do not pay. When they are all grown up and wonder why they couldn't see the other parent they aren't going to care whether or not he/she paid support they are going to be angry that they were denied acess and a relationship because of money. That being said your situation does not seem so cut and dry. You need to let him know that under no circumstances is he to be in and out of her life, he is either to be a positive person in her life or is to not be in it. If your child has a positive male role model than i would not push for her to see her father. let him know that if he wants visitation than it'll have to be done through the courts, you can have a child support order done up at the same time. That way it is documented what his obligations are when it comes to support and what your obligations are when it comes to visitation. If he has personal issues that make a situation that wouldn't be safe for your daughter (dui is a huge red flag) to be alone with him than push for supervised visits. Either way it needs to be delt with. If he is not in a position to be a positive role model to your daugther than the courts need to know that. But either way it would be best if you went to court and had all of this done so that he can't argue about what to pay or argue that you don't allow him to see her because if it's court ordered than both of you need to comply with what is ordered. With some men it's just the fight they like if you do take him to court and he's alowed visitation than who knows if he'd even show up to it.
Most important is your daughters well being, she has 2 loving parents right now and who knows what'll happen if her biological father decides to take a more active role in her life, but no matter what she needs to know that you and your boyfriend love her and that the problems that her biological father has have nothing to do with her. It's a tough situation, but i think court is the best place to decide these things, they can take into acount his past history with her, his present history, his mental state, etc before allowing any visitation.
You should NEVER feel guilty about that!!! He's the one that should feel the guilt! I've been dealing with my daughter's dead beat father for the last 8 1/2 years. I didn't file for support until she was 3; I gave him EVERY opportunity to be a father and he refused. I even gave him the option of forgoing support and just being a father to her and he didn't want that either! The last time he actually laid eyes on her was when she was 3 1/2 months old! She has no idea as to what this person even looks like and vice versa! If it's not good for your daughter's well-being then you have EVERY right not to let him see her, especially if he's not financially contributing to her well-being. Do you HONESTLY want her to know & be around someone who abuses drugs and alcohol? What's going to happen one day when you're nice enough to let him be a dad for the day and he's been drinking or doing drugs that day & (Lord forbid) something happens? I would beat him to the court house and file! My daughter's biological sperm donor is currently sitting in jail as we type for not paying his child support! He currently owes me about $60,000.00 in back child support, not including penalty fees etc. You can give someone so many chances to be a father before you have to throw in the towel for the benefit of the child. Being a father is a full time deal, not when he gets the itch or when there's a party to go to. Can you imagine the psycholoical damage that he's going to cause her as she gets older by popping in & out of her life like that? NO child deserves to have either parent do that! If you have the power to stop it now, do so - for her. Let this other man, your fiance, be a father for her. He's there every day & I'm sure he is the only one she knows to be her father. He doesn't have to sign over his rights for you to take him to court to get control over this situation. The only thing you need to do is tell the judge that he's a convicted drug/alcohol abuser, he's a father only when he wants to be, request to have him drug tested to prove your claims, and explain to the judge that you fear for the safety of the child & her well-being by letting this man have his time with her (sporadically, when he's in the "mood").
I wouldn't feel guilty at all. I was one of those kids that had a dad just like that. He never helped, and he only came around when he felt like it. I was terrified of him. If he isn't going to be a positive constant in your daughter's life, keep telling him no.
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Steph, mum of Emma- March 14, 2003
Child support and visitation are 2 different things. He will get thrown in jail for not paying, if they can find him, on the same note, you will get thrown in jail if you dont allow visitation. Alot of men, including my ex with his child by the first wife, will give up parental rights just to be let off paying, if the back support gets high enough. I have 2 children by my ex, divorced 10 yrs, have only been actually getting support for 2, and then only from disability because he walked in front of a moving car.
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