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Old 06-02-2004, 09:22 AM   #1
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daystar91 HB User
Shopping with children

Hi,
Here is a big question to all parents.....When out in public shopping and your child acts out how do you handle it???
My son is 5, he thinks that every time we go out he can buy something....So if you don't well, the tantrum starts....I've tried just leaving the store but it's horrible that you have to leave the store with a screaming kid kicking and crying....This is embrassing for me as well....I've tried to talk to him but by that time he just doesn't want to listen to anything you have to say....Thought maybe i would make him work for a toy by being good through out the shopping , well that really didn't work he wanted the item right away....This is just becoming that i really don't want go any where with him....Family members will be like well are you bring him with you probbly because they wouldn't want to go if he was coming....I know this is my fault but how do i correct this???

 
Old 06-02-2004, 07:02 PM   #2
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Re: Shopping with children

Much will depend on how you handle your son at home. Does he get his way by whining or crying or temper tantrums? If so, then you need to stop giving in and eventually he will learn that way will not get what he wants at home or at stores.

I always took my 5 kids to the store and they knew to behave, it was expected. I did not leave the store with them either, no way was I going to allow them to interfer with shopping. A good stern look was usually all that was necessary.

 
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Old 06-03-2004, 05:40 AM   #3
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Re: Shopping with children

When he has a tantrum in the store let him know that that is not the way to get what he wants. Take him to the car, and sit in it with him untill he calms down and is ready to be a big boy in the store. If he gets what he wants even 1 time out of 10 by having a tantrum than he will always do it. Never say no then backtrack, stick with what you say. Let him know that he will get what he wants by being a good boy.
Some ways you can do this are star/sticker charts, every time you go out and he doesn't have a tantrum give him a sticker,he gets one sticker for each outing/day that he is good, deduct one if he acts up (use a peice of bristol board or a calender) after he gets the amount of stickers you determine he needs (start with a low number like 5, that way he's not going to get discouraged, gradually increase the number of stickers he needs to get as he catches on) give him an amount of money to buy something, or take him out to pick something out (predetermine the amount otherwise it could get expensive, dollar stores are great if you have one in your area). You can also try a weekly alowence that he only recieves if he does what is expected of him, keep his room clean, no tantrums etc. for each day he doesn't do what is expected than he loses a certin amount of money, figure out what would be a good weekly alowence and divide it by 7. at the end of the week give him what is owed and he can choose what to do with it, save it to buy something or spend it as it comes in. You can also deduct extra money for certin things..that way if he's pleased with no matter what he recieves he'll realize that he won't get anything if he acts up.
What it comes down to is consitancy, he needs to know that there will be consequenses each and every time he acts up. You can use time outs, the loss of privlidges, find something he loves (a toy, video game, certin foods tv shows) and take it away. You need to mix up the punishments a bit, determine which behaviours you don't like and what punishments he will recieve (a minor offence may only need a short time out while others may need the removal of a privlige). let him know what the punishment is and explain to him why it's not acceptable, at 5 he is old enough to understand.

Last edited by MandyAnne26; 06-03-2004 at 05:46 AM.

 
Old 06-03-2004, 11:29 AM   #4
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Re: Shopping with children

gosh daystar this sounds so familiar my 7 yr old daughter is the same way and i always end up giving in because it is so embarrassing i've tried everything and i'm to the point where if i go i let her stay home with her dad i'm here to seek advice with you
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Old 06-03-2004, 04:13 PM   #5
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daystar91 HB User
Re: Shopping with children

Quote:
Originally Posted by no patience
gosh daystar this sounds so familiar my 7 yr old daughter is the same way and i always end up giving in because it is so embarrassing i've tried everything and i'm to the point where if i go i let her stay home with her dad i'm here to seek advice with you

Hi,
I'm glad to know that i'm not the only one that has this problem.... That is extactly what i do leave him with his father.....It's a hard habit to break, kids can be very set in the ways when they want to....I already have some great idea's from this thread and i'm going to try them and hope for the best.....

 
Old 06-03-2004, 06:22 PM   #6
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usedtobefrosty HB User
Re: Shopping with children

First, remember that almost everyone has this happen with their chikdren. It may be embarassing to walk out of a store with a screaming child, but like MandyAnne said, if you give in once, that's all it takes. If taking your child out to your car isn't enough to make him understand then try this. It woked on my brother.

Compile a list of helpers that can be reached on short notice, and would be willing to take your son for an hour or so (grandparents, other mum's, dad, etc...). When your child melts down and you can't calm them down on your own, tell him "well fine, if you can't behave you can't shop with me". Don't get angry, don't be mean, just say it calmly and matter-of-fact. Dont' talk about it anymore at this point. Phone one of your helpers. Take your son to whomever is willing to take him. Take said person aside and explain to the the situation (that he had a meltdown, and you need 30 mins or an hour, etc...), and leave. Go and finish your shopping. Try not to feel bad. When you are done shopping, return to pick up your son. Now talk with him. Tell him in simple words that he cannot behave like that in a store, and if he decideds to continue to act like that in public, you simply will not take him with you anymore. And stick to it. It sounds hard, and like a lot of work, but the only real work is finding people to help, and keeping your cool the whole time!

A few other tips while shopping with him: make him a list of things you need to get. Have him pick all of the tings off of the shelf he can reach. Keep him busy. Have him bring a 'busy bag' as my mum call them. Include a coloring book, toys, etc... and make it his responsibility to carry (use a small back pack). And most of all, stick to it and good luck
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Old 06-03-2004, 06:38 PM   #7
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Re: Shopping with children

Oh my God,a 7yr old that throws tantrums like this? My mother used to have a licensed daycare and when children would start throwing tantrums or acting like brats she would tell them that she was going to tell santa clause how bad they are and they won't get any presents at christmas,even if it was july,lol.It worked too.I would go right home and tell my kid he/she is never getting another toy again for acting that way but since you've already rewarded them for their behavior it's going to be hard to break that.You need to tell your kids to act like a big boy/girl if they want big kid toys and not like babies having fits.Do you disapline your children at all????
What about your husbands? You have to give them tough love and take away things when their bad like video games,ice cream,toys,etc and reward them when their good,and after awhile they will learn.Tell them how much you love them and that some people beat their kids and never buy them toys and they are lucky to have all they do.I always thought saying grace was a beautiful thing,(even if your not religous)
because it gives kids a chance to think about what they have instead of taking things for granted and realize they're lucky to have family,friends,food,etc.
It's important to think about things like that or they just assume they should have everything.It will make them a better person in the long run.

 
Old 06-04-2004, 04:01 AM   #8
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Re: Shopping with children

hi green fairy i've dome the santa clause thing the easter bunny thing and have taken away her toys and stuff she gets mad for a little bit but then she just does'nt seem to care my huband she listens to so i even threaten to tell him and i usually follow through with it and for a week maybe at the most she will be ok and then it starts all over again i know it's my fault she is like this when i was young i had nothing and when she was born i went about it all wrong and tried to give her everything i did'nt have and now i'm paying the price lol thanks kelleigh
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Last edited by no patience; 06-04-2004 at 04:02 AM.

 
Old 06-04-2004, 04:07 AM   #9
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Re: Shopping with children

[hey daystar i know about being set in their ways my daughter is so stubborn i'm gonna try some of the advice to lets keep eachother posted on our progress good luck luv kelleigh
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Last edited by no patience; 06-04-2004 at 04:10 AM.

 
Old 06-04-2004, 07:38 AM   #10
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Re: Shopping with children

I can only tell you what is working for us as we go through "Pre teen detox" with my oldest. My kids are 12, 4,3, and 22 months so I have worked with my share of idle threats. In short... They dont work!! A child sees that there is no truth in the threat and eventually starts to disregard them all together. I have also learned never to sick my husband on them. When I say that I am going to tell their dad, it makes me look totally imcompetent to them. It makes them act like angels only when he is around because they know there is no real threat with just me.

The only thing that has worked is true consequences. Consequences that are so consistent that they can set their watch by them. My oldest is NOT going to a singing camp this weekend because of her actions. She decided that I would threaten her with not going but would cave at the last minute. I am not caving!! They are starting to learn that they will lose freedoms, privileges, etc when they act up.

I dont recommend always leaving them at home. At some point they have to learn how to act in public. I have cut down on the fits by telling them what I am going to buy them at the store. That way we dont go through with them constantly asking for this and that. I have also told them that if they dont act right, I will get onto them in the store the same that I will at home. Some kids look at a public place as a safe haven because they know you wont do to them what you do at home out of embarrassement. For a big fit in the store, I have spanked them right then and there. I believe in spanking but I guess everyone has to do what is right for them. I did not get harsh looks and no one said a word. I actually got the feeling that people were proud to see a mother take charge!!

I dont have all of the answers. I do know though that you have to say what you mean and mean what you say in order for things to work. I let my children control a lot of their punishments as the whole thing is their decision in the first place. Because of this, I have stopped letting guilt run my life. I feel bad that my oldest isnt going to her camp. I feel worse that I havent taught her the self control she needs to control her actions. Good luck
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Old 06-04-2004, 09:58 AM   #11
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Re: Shopping with children

AMEN Mindy!!!
I agree with every word you said. You have to take charge and not give in- kids are smarter than most give them credit for. They will figure you out in a heartbeat and will use it to get what they want.

My kids have always known that I can sure be more embarassing to them then they can to me- I have no problem with disciplining them right then and there- wherever we are if they want to act up, then they will be disciplined.

The sticker sheets and reward programs never worked with my kids- BIG KUDOS to those of you who actually got that method to work. What did work was an instant crack on the behind, it doesn't have to be hard or hurt them- it is not child abuse to spank your child if you use it in the correct way.

I had a cousin that used to carry a wooden spoon in her back pocket at all times, and when necessary- she used it. Worked like a charm, and trust me those kids are very well behaved now.

I sympathize with the PRE TEEN thing- I am there as well, you are definately doing the right thing by not caving in!!! OOH the mouths at that age- mine are pushing me further and futher toward the "Palmolive Cocktail"!!!!

 
Old 06-04-2004, 02:09 PM   #12
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daystar91 HB User
Re: Shopping with children

Quote:
Originally Posted by greenfairy84
Oh my God,a 7yr old that throws tantrums like this? My mother used to have a licensed daycare and when children would start throwing tantrums or acting like brats she would tell them that she was going to tell santa clause how bad they are and they won't get any presents at christmas,even if it was july,lol.It worked too.I would go right home and tell my kid he/she is never getting another toy again for acting that way but since you've already rewarded them for their behavior it's going to be hard to break that.You need to tell your kids to act like a big boy/girl if they want big kid toys and not like babies having fits.Do you disapline your children at all????
What about your husbands? You have to give them tough love and take away things when their bad like video games,ice cream,toys,etc and reward them when their good,and after awhile they will learn.Tell them how much you love them and that some people beat their kids and never buy them toys and they are lucky to have all they do.I always thought saying grace was a beautiful thing,(even if your not religous)
because it gives kids a chance to think about what they have instead of taking things for granted and realize they're lucky to have family,friends,food,etc.
It's important to think about things like that or they just assume they should have everything.It will make them a better person in the long run.


Hi,
I truely agree with you....I know my children get everything they want, more because husband has really great job and this is what his parents did for him.....But on the other hand my family worked hard but we didn't have much but we were greatful for everything we recieved....So this is where we clash....I also have a 12 year old he doesn't throw tantrums in stores because he just asks for it at home and knows that he will get it....As for my 5 year old the tantrums have become horrible but my husband will buy what ever to keep him happy....I live far away from my family so they don't get to see them much...My kids mostly spend time with my husbands family and they don't see a problem with this, they'll tell me, he can't be that bad he's just over tired....Or if my kids want something i was kidding with them and told my oldest he was a spoiled brat, my husbands grandma said to me that it just means that they are well loved...
My oldest son was getting bad grades in school i mean like F's because of goofing off....My husband offered to buy him a four wheeler if he brought up his grades to a B.....I know where my problem lies but the question is how to break this habit???
After this thread i took my son to a doctors apointment, really only because i couldn't find anyone to watch him....I had to wait i think it was a little over an hour...It was just him and i though....He was the most well behaved kid, i almost didn't know he was mine...LOL....I started like an allowence with him if he does chores around the house he will get money for it....Then when we go shopping he can buy a toy or whatever....It's just something i keep track of on a chart, like if he feeds the dog or yesterday he helped me plant flowers, etc...He seem very happy with it....Maybe this will work if i don't have any interference.......

 
Old 06-04-2004, 02:16 PM   #13
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daystar91 HB User
Re: Shopping with children

Quote:
Originally Posted by no patience
[hey daystar i know about being set in their ways my daughter is so stubborn i'm gonna try some of the advice to lets keep eachother posted on our progress good luck luv kelleigh

Hi,
Sounds great i just put a thread in about my really second day with the chart and his earnings....I really know where your coming from i did the same thing by letting myself give him everything and letting my husband do the same....Now i'm trying to put a stop to it....Lots of luck, we both know we will need it....

 
Old 06-05-2004, 05:10 AM   #14
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Re: Shopping with children

hey daystar lots of luck to you to i myself am going shopping today and i'm gonna bring her with me and see if i can try something that will stop the madness lol keep me posted on your progress luv kelleigh
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Old 06-05-2004, 05:12 AM   #15
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Re: Shopping with children

i know this is daystars thread but i want to thank all of you for the advice alot of it really makes sense thanks again kelleigh
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