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Old 06-14-2004, 01:42 PM   #1
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Rob428 HB User
Teen needs advice...

Im a 19 y/o college sophomore.
My mom was/is rather over-protective and I have always been very sheltered.
I have never worked, cooked, done laundry... nothing, she even takes care of all my college schedules/classes. We've been through a lot, gone to counselers.... fact is she is not willing to change, and that is in the past now. She accepts the fact that I am 19 and can legally have more freedom, even though she frowns upon the idea of me working or anything of that nature.
All of my friends have moved out and are living on their own. I still know a few people who are still in high school, they are all working and traveling all across the country visiting colleges and participating in activities... what do i do all day? Go to school, come home & study, then watch television the rest of the day.... literally the same life I was living when I was 12.
I know my mothers idea was for me to live at home until I graduated college, never working or having any worries, just school. Having no responsabilities is awesome, but I can't help but think that it is hurting me in the long run. Not to mention the fact that it is a major confidence-killer when the majority of my peers are living on their own and I have to depend on my mother for everything.
I am young and I don't claim to have all the knowledge in the world, but I don't like constantly being treated like a young child by her, I find it very disrespectful. I would love to get a job, move out and do things for myself... but honestly the idea of leaving this comfort-zone she has created for me is very scary. This is all I have known all my life, responsabilities are a completely foreign idea to me, and it's so hard to break these ideas.
From a parents point of view, would it be wise to challenge myself and become independent? The idea of working 3 or 4 hours instead of watching television in the afternoons is really awkward, but if I just stay here like she wants I'm afraid that I will not be ready to face the real world when I get out of college, I will miss out on numerous experiences, and I will not be expecting much of myself at all. The free-ride i've had all my life is great, but is it doing more harm than good? Would i be better off challenging myself and becoming independent, despite the fact that life might be a bit harder? And how do I push myself to break 19 years of depending on someone and turn into a confident person ready to face the challenges of everyday life? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for any spelling errors, I had to re-write my post b/c it didn't go through the first time so it was written in a hurry.

 
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Old 06-14-2004, 02:50 PM   #2
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Re: Teen needs advice...

Have you chosen a major yet? Maybe you could get a job on campus or find an internship in your field.

I lived at home while going to college to save money; however, I worked full time at the school library during holidays and summer break. And I worked about 10-15 hours during the week throughout the school year. I missed out on a lot of campus activities because I lived at home, but saved a ton of money. Still, it was a bit of a shock when I finally graduated, got a job out of town and moved out on my own.

I have a friend who is STILL living at home with his mom and is STILL going to school. He's working on his doctorate - but has been going to school for over 20 years. He's in his early 40s!

 
Old 06-14-2004, 03:53 PM   #3
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Re: Teen needs advice...

I know I want to do something in the business area, most likely Finance or Marketing... not 100% sure yet. I did some budgeting and in order to live comfortably on my own, with about $100 extra spending cash per month, I have to work approx. 23 hours per week. I'm not sure how difficult that would be, if I could do 3 hours every weekday, 8 hours on saturdays it might work, not sure.
Like I said I obviously have it beyond easy right now. But the thing is as long as I'm living at home my mom is always going to do everything in her power to treat me like a helpless child. She insists on doing every little thing for me, I have very little freedom, I get frowned upon when I even mention getting a job. I'm only 19 and I obviously don't have the experience that someone twice my age does, but I still hate being looked down upon as completely helpless, it makes me sick. And that is what I have to put up with as long as I am living with her.
My uncle is 40 and still living at home too like the friend you mentioned. he had a similar thing to what I am experiencing right now, but he just gave in and didn't really do anything with his life. That does worry me because when you have someone who takes care of EVERYTHING for you, it's great but it's so easy to give in and just let that become the norm. After around 2:30, I usually have absolutely nothing to do... so what happens, I just watch TV and get online all day. Get a job? Whats my motivation?? I get $360 a month for doing nothing, why challenge myself? If I move out then I'd have to get off the couch and use up my time... that scares me, but I also wonder if a challenge is a good thing? Eventually I'll have to get out into the real world, unless I want to be like my uncle.
That is a more stressfull lifestyle, but I get the satisfaction of doing things on my own, feeling more confident etc. Plus I wouldn't have about 9-10 hours of free-time per day. But yea, i'm rambling now, just trying to get opinions on which is the best way to go. If I were to move out it would take at least 6 months, id have to start with like 10 hours a week of work and move up from there, plus I have to learn how everything in the world works b/c my mom does everything for me right now.

 
Old 06-15-2004, 06:50 AM   #4
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Re: Teen needs advice...

What about trying to work on campus for just a couple hours a day, during the week and still live it home. Take things slowly. I lived at home while going to school because I wasn't eligible for financial aid. I worked enough to pay my tuition and books, still have enough spending money to go out with friends.

 
Old 06-16-2004, 01:13 PM   #5
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Re: Teen needs advice...

I agree that you should stay at home while you can, and finish school. But I also think that you should get out there and get a part-time job, on or off of campus. You'll meet more people, you'll become better with people (specially if you get any position in sales), and you'll have your own money. It's good for the self-esteem (most of the time), and it'll help lessen the shock when you finally do move out on your own!
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Old 06-16-2004, 02:35 PM   #6
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Re: Teen needs advice...

You may also want to consider getting a part time job, so you're more marketable when you graduate. You'd hate to have a blank space on your resume under job experience when you start applying for jobs. Also, you should try to get involved with some campus activities -- student government, professional organizations (i.e., society for student engineers, accountants), intramural sports, fraternity...

 
Old 06-17-2004, 09:34 PM   #7
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Re: Teen needs advice...

Rob428, with the exception of Mom's aversion to her child's employment, I am in the very same boat with you.

I'm 16 going on 17, but I have never worked, done laundry, cooked (cookies and stuff in a box don't count XD), zip. My mom thinks I will screw up and that her way is the only way.

I once read in Dear Abby that if parents are overprotective and refuse to let their kids go out and have fun with friends, the kids will have little or no self-esteem and will be fearful of living on their own in the real world. I'm not saying you possess any of these things, but I know I sure do. In fact, just a few hours ago when I spoke with my boyfriend I almost broke down in tears thinking about life after high school. I'm so afraid I'm going to fail out of all my classes and not be able to take care of myself. The bottom line is that I don't want to ever grow up.

But just know you aren't alone with this. My mom pushes me to get a job this summer, but I don't want to. Not because I'm lazy, but because I'm too scared I'm going to screw something up.

Perhaps you could find someone who has the college experience under their belt and have them talk with you. And I'm definitely taking my own advice. I need reassurance from someone whose been there that can look me in the eyes and tell me I won't fail and that while life might be hard at times, it isn't impossible.

Best of luck to you, Rob429.


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Old 06-21-2004, 11:22 AM   #8
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Thumbs up Re: Teen needs advice...

Your mom has a responsibility. That is to prepare you to live on your own. My sons are 15 and 12 and according to age is what I teach them. The oldest mows the lawn, can do laundry, wash dishes, vacuum, keep his room clean, cook, organize and prioritize. He is waiting to hear about a job as I type this. We are not meant to live at home for too long. You will not find out about yourself until you have to be on your own. Open your eyes and stand up for yourself. The questions at the end of your post leads me to believe that you know what you should be doing and just are not sure how to go about it. Parents are supposed to prepare you mentally and morally for the 'real' world. They can do that the best they can but you still have to have the determination to survive the struggles as they arise. No parent has experienced all of what you will be up against. The world is different from when they were a teenager. Much, much different. And, in certain situations, what worked for them will not work for you. Good morals, empathy, organization, and communication are the common ground we all should strive to be on.
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Last edited by sawbuck44; 06-21-2004 at 11:30 AM.

 
Old 06-21-2004, 01:21 PM   #9
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Exclamation Re: Teen needs advice...

I have this friend, 32, who WAS in the same boat as you! His mother REFUSED to let him do anything, including his own laundry. His parents bought a small, one bedroom efficiency and that's where he lives. His parents buy the groceries, pay for his '02 Dodge Ram, his electric, cable/satellite, medical & auto insurance, his mother even supplies him with a $10.00/day daily allowance, they do EVERYTHING for him!!! It really makes me sick!

Well, one day, he woke up and realized that it was wrong and now he's trying to do something about it, but has no clue about what to do and where to start. He's been living in this comfort zone, supplied by his mother, all of his life and now at 32, he's lost. It's like he's 16 again, trying to find his way. I can understand a mother just wanting her child to have his/her full attention on school & do great at it, but at 19, there has to be some sort of responsibility happening. What's going to happen when you graduate college in two years? Are you really going to know how to pay your bills and what it's like to go to work everyday - 8 hours a day, 40 + hours a week? It really does put a hamper on one's self-esteem and confidence when there's nothing but that great big pillow to fall back on. That's what life is about - responsibility and learning from the mistakes that you made. When you have no responsibility and nothing to learn from, you have nothing.

My advice to you is maybe join a fraternity or get a part time job. Dou you have a cell phone? If so, explain to your mom that you'd like to give her the money to start paying for it yourself. Explain to her that "real men" don't let their mom's do their laundry . You really do need to prepare yourself for the Real World (it'll swallow you whole if you're not prepared) and by watching television and being online isn't going to help prepare you for real life. The only thing that will help is having some sort of responsibility in your life!

GOOD LUCK!

Last edited by KimRick; 06-21-2004 at 01:23 PM.

 
Old 06-22-2004, 10:17 PM   #10
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Re: Teen needs advice...

I don't mean to be rude, but if you don't know how to do basic things, such as laundry, cooking, cleaning, applying for jobs, etc. by the time you're in high school, there is something wrong with the way your mother is raising you. I can not believe some parents. I started doing ALL of my own laundry at about age 9, and I wanted to, and I did not want my mother touching it. (Who wants their mother to wash their underwear? I mean, really now.) In college, I laughed at the boys who couldn't do their own laundry and would never have considered dating someone so helpless. Mean, yes, but it is college. You need to develop a "backbone" and stand up to your mother, insist she teach you how to do your own laundry and that you will do it yourself, and insist that she allow you to help with the cooking and dishes. If you really want a part-time job, go find one, even if it's at fast food, and tell her (don't ask) that you're going to work. Don't work so many hours that it affects your grades, but you can give up the TV and either study or go to work instead, and you'll feel much better about your life. Good luck to you!

 
Old 06-23-2004, 12:30 AM   #11
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Re: Teen needs advice...

I gotta reply to this.
First off, yes, employers look at educational background. But, the biggest thing that employers look at is work history.
Get outta the house and do something! What's your mother going to do?
Call the police for you helping yourself?!!
I was a Dietary Mgr. for major nursing homes, and we always had a big turnover for new help. But when I'd get these Dieticians that had no work experience, just "classroom smarts" I mean, it was a laugh a minute. Let's say you have all the classroom saavy. But, do u actually know HOW to run a combi oven??? Can you even season a pork roast? Let's say that you need to cook meatloaf for 1400 people and the meat is still frozen? What would you do?? I don't mean to chop ya down but, even though you may have the highest degree in education, it don't mean NOTHING till you can prove yourself in the kitchen. You need as much hands-on experience as possible to land that big job after schooling!
I don't mean to use food service as a starter for you, just an example.
You have to learn "hands-on" ALL opportunities in your field to make positive decisions.
Don't be one of these "book know-it-alls". Have the experience you need to back up your resume.
Get to work and get off the couch! If your mom can't see that, she's not helping you. Like NIKE says, Just Do It!
Sorry, if I seem so tough, but if after u graduate and u r gonna talk your way into a job with credentials, you'd better have the walk to back yourself up.

 
Old 06-23-2004, 04:26 AM   #12
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Re: Teen needs advice...

I agree with the other posters that you have to be the one to initiate a change, since your mother isn't likely to. On the contrary, I think you can even expect resistance from her if you try to make a change. If that happens, or if your mother doesn't let you follow through on the changes you do make, maybe you could ask your mother to think ahead into the future, to the day when she will be gone. If something were to happen to her tomorrow, where would that leave you? It may sound drastic, but maybe it will help her realize that she's not doing you a favour by not letting you assume responsibility for your life.

Good luck!

 
Old 06-23-2004, 08:04 AM   #13
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Re: Teen needs advice...

EXACTLY!!! What do you think is going to happen when your mother passes away? Who's going to cook, clean, do the laundry, pay your bills, live life for you? You need to learn and understand how to do these things for yourself in order to survive. Without these basic skills, you're never going to make it in the real world.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crowgirl
I agree with the other posters that you have to be the one to initiate a change, since your mother isn't likely to. On the contrary, I think you can even expect resistance from her if you try to make a change. If that happens, or if your mother doesn't let you follow through on the changes you do make, maybe you could ask your mother to think ahead into the future, to the day when she will be gone. If something were to happen to her tomorrow, where would that leave you? It may sound drastic, but maybe it will help her realize that she's not doing you a favour by not letting you assume responsibility for your life.

Good luck!

 
Old 07-04-2004, 09:36 AM   #14
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heatherrl74 HB User
Re: Teen needs advice...

My husband's cousin moved out of his parents house when he graduated from college. Over the summer, he worked at a job that had to do with his major, so that he was prepared in that field, but he didn't work before that and he didn't have to pay for anything. Growing up, he didn't have to lift a finger or do anything. I think that it frustrated him a little, but in the end it worked out for him. When he graduated, he moved up in his job, bought a home and his parents gave him a car. He is very independant now and very responsible.

 
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