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Platinum33 · 06-15-2004, 12:44 PM

I've just been feeling so uneasy about other people holding my baby, and taking care of her. My mom is the only one I've left her alone with, and that was just because I was about to lose it from losing so much sleep. Everyone keeps telling me of how they will babysit her for me, any time I wanted, but I don't want them to...ever! Now, that really bothers me, but what gets me the most is how everyone wants to wake her up when they see her!!! I HATE that!!!!!!!!!! I tell them, "Just let her sleep...She needs to sleep...Please, don't wake her up right now," and it's a pain in the butt! I won't even use this expensive breast pump that I just bought because I don't want anyone else to be able to care for her, but me.

Is there something wrong with me, or is this just a normal new parenting thing? It bothers me an awful lot, and I want to do something about it, I'm just not sure what.

bren7 · 06-15-2004, 01:29 PM

Dont feel bad, its not just a first time parenting thing. I am and have been that way with all my kids. I have a hard time letting my DH hold my kids when they are infants. It does get better with time though. After several months or so, you start calming down and it gets alot easier to let people hold them. Now watching them, like babysitting, Ummmmm...well I am still working on that one. My oldest is almost 13 yrs old and other then my parents which watch my kids rarely, and my ex hubby and his mom, I have had 1 babysitter, I met her when my son was less then a month old and I didnt allow her to sit for my kids alone until he was 11 or 12 months old. She was the only one I trusted, it took a very long time for me to trust her. When I finally did allow her to sit for my kids it was only for maybe an hour. Sad thing is...she was my neighbor, I saw her everyday during that time, she was great with my kids and my kids loved her dearly as did she did them. She is now 22 yrs old and moved and has her own life, so she no longer babysits for me, she hasnt sat for me in about 3 yrs, I miss her. LOL I still talk to her quite often though.

Trusting someone with your children is hard. You are literally trusting someone with your life (my opinion anyways).

It will get better as your infant gets older.

Teresa882003 · 06-15-2004, 01:42 PM

Don't feel bad, I know I will be the same way, I have said so since I found out I was pregnant. My SIL had a baby last Aug. and they just pass and pass and pass that baby around when he was first born. Well I know that will NOT be happening with my baby. I am sure I will probably offend someone, but you know what its my baby and I will be doing what is best for him so if they have a problem they will just have to deal with it. I also know that my Mom and Sister will be the only ones allowed to keep my child. My mom said she was the same way when we were babies. She said she didn't even like my Dad to hold us when we were newborns. Its just a protection instinct. I don't like the idea of them being passed around like rag dolls. I have heard that it will get better when they have a little age on them.

As far as people wanting to wake your baby, are they crazy!! Don't wake a sleeping baby!!! Especially when the Mom asks you not too.

I remember when my SIL's baby was like 4 months old at a family gathering her and our other SIL kept putting things in the baby's mouth and I was about to FREAK out. I told my husband that if they tried that we would have World War III. I don't believe in giving the baby anything without instructions to do so from its parents. Our SIL was feeding him icing from a birthday cake, and told his Mom after she did it. So I will be watching my baby like a hawk around them.

Don't worry about it, she is your baby!!! And you have to do what you are comfortable with. I myself have worried a bit about people wanting to hold my newborn, I am sure I am going to make some of them mad!!! I don't ask to hold a newborn, and I have even turned some people down because I don't think they should be handled so much. Good luck

bren7 · 06-15-2004, 01:51 PM

Teresa..I totally understand what you are saying. My mom did that with my kids always giving them something with out premission. Needless to say my mom gets cold sores on her mouth and after me telling her several times not to share food or drinks with my daughter she did it anyways, my daughter now thanks to my mother gets cold sores on her mouth.
Stand up for yourself and your baby, This is your baby!! do what you think is best no matter whos feelings you may hurt, they will have to get over it.

Teresa882003 · 06-15-2004, 01:55 PM

Thanks Bren, thats what I plan on doing. I am not a big fan of my husband's family so I am more concerned about how my DH will take it than I am them. That is horrible, but this is my baby and I have waited a really long time and I will not take any *****

from them. They can do what they like with their kids but this is my baby and I will do as I like. They will just have to deal!!! It is nice to know there are others that feel the same way.

Angela4 · 06-15-2004, 02:09 PM

She was born on June 4th? I don't think you're being selfish AT ALL!!!!!!!!! I don't plan on ANYONE watching my baby (except my dh if need be) until she is at least several months old, and even then I can't imagine I would leave her for very long. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to bond with your baby, and not only that she is still SO young, I would be worried about her getting sick if she is always going to all these peoples houses for them to watch her. AND, furthermore (LOL!), what is the point of even having a baby if you are just going to dump it off to someone else to watch all the time! I wouldn't even ask my friend who just had a baby to watch it, I think its rude of people to be bugging you this soon!!!!!!

Platinum33 · 06-15-2004, 02:25 PM

Okay, so I'm not alone. But could this have something to do with the vast amount of guilt that I feel about having her and not being able to provide for her as I would like to?

I mean, I have to return to school in the fall, and she'll only be three months then. My mom can't watch her because she'll be at work. I don't want one of those babysitters who only watches like two other kids because they are always the ones on tv caught beating the babies, and then the care centers...all of those germy little kids that are going to be coughing and sneezing around my baby???? I'm freaked!!!

Angela4 · 06-15-2004, 03:02 PM

Do you really HAVE to go back to school? I would put it off if I were you and you can. I just talked to someone here at work who told me she was able to stay at home until her son was 3 years old, but she has always regretted not waiting until he was in school before returning to work. I just think it would be so sad because your baby won't know you as well.

Platinum33 · 06-15-2004, 03:54 PM

Well, I have to finish my degree. I've seen too many examples of how people have took off from school "just for a while" and once they adjust to not being in school, it becomes harder to get back in. And it's not like I'm in school from 9 to 5. I'll only have classes on certain days at certain times. I really need to finish. If I don't go to school, or even if I do, I have to work to make some money. Dang, your making me depressed again. I have to figure out something. I mean, even if I have to suffer because my baby doesn't see me as much as she should, I have to get out there and make a living for the both of us. I can't live under my parents. I'm freakin' 19 going on 20 in a little more than a month, I don't get allowance. What??!! I need to get my degree and get a job for my daughter.

I guess I'm really going to have to bond with her while I can, and get used to leaving her with someone, that I trust of course, for a few hours a day. Hopefully, when I start working, it will be at night, and she will be sleeping through the night...hopefully.

Angela4 · 06-15-2004, 04:53 PM

Good luck, Platinum. I don't envy your position, it would be really hard. I'm sure it will all work out in the end.

bren7 · 06-16-2004, 04:42 AM

Platinum...Going to school and being a mom is hard. Dont get freaked out, you need the education so you can get a good job to support you little one. My cousin was young and in collage when she first got pregnant, she ended up having 3 kids during the time she was in collage. It took her long to finish collage with the kids then it would have if she didnt have them. So going to school and having kids can be done. My cousin stayed in school becuz she knew if she stopped she might not go back.

You are doing the right thing, and you know what is best for you and your child, so dont freak out or get depressed. Give yourself alot of credit for finishing school while having your baby. It will be hard, but you are a strong person and you can make this happen for you and your new family.

haleysmum · 06-16-2004, 04:56 AM

Hi I think you are totally normal for feeling selfish

My daughter is 8 and a half months old and I STILL dont trust anyone with her....I have only had her babysat once since she was born and that was 3 weeks ago by my sister.....She has a 14 month old so its not like I would ask her all the time anyway.....I think I may have insulted my FIL the other day as he was down for the night and I had to pop out for like 20 mins to go pick up hubby from work, he said I will stay here and look after her and I said NO....I told him she is not used to being away from me and I would hate her to start performing while I was gone, but the truth of the matter is I just dont want to leave her with anyone......I even hate it when people try to touch her when I am out shopping etc LOL Maybe Im not normal ???????? Anyway I really hope you can find someone you can trust to leave your baby with and yes it will be hard, but like you said you need to make a living to bring your baby up, I really feel for you

GOOD LUCK

Platinum33 · 06-16-2004, 05:37 AM

haleysmum, now that I've thought about it, I REALLY don't want to leave her with anyone. I don't want her to be attatched to anyone except for me. I really, really need to go back to school and work, but I really, really don't want to leave her...especially not this early. Man this hurts so bad. It's stressing me out more than I already am. I can't decide what I should do. I will be out of school in two years, but these first few years are the most important years of her life, as far as development goes, right? But if I hold off going to school, then both of us would be going to school at the same time, and that's too long for me to wait and then try to go back to school...not to mention I'd lose my loan and have to start paying it back, which means I'd have to get a job...which I have to do anyway. I seriously hate asking my parents for money, and it's no different with me having a baby now. How would she know me if I leave her during the day to go to classes, and then I leave her at night to go to work? Man, oh man. This is STRESSING ME OUT!!!! And it's really not helping out with me being mad with myself either.

How did you get to stay home with your daughter for 8 months? Not to intrude on your personal life or anything. I'm just open for suggestions of ways that I can stay home and take classes or work while taking care of and spending time with my daughter.

bren7 · 06-16-2004, 05:44 AM

I hated that!!!!!! When I was out in public and people touch my kids. GRRRRRRRR When my daughter was an infant, my ex hubby and I when to eat at mcdonalds, some old lady comes up to my daughter (doesnt ask) just starts touching my daughters face and hands, then she started coughing in her hand and went back to touch my daughter. Just one of the many incident this my kids in public. Now when strangers come up to touch my kids, I get very forceful and tell them "not to touch", I feel like riping their heads off.

When I had my daughter, I thought I was very protective (so I thought), but after I had my son and he died, I got even more protective with my daughter and my next son I was even more protective with. It is very normal to be protective of your child, never let anyone tell you different.

I was in a grociery store one day with my daughter, Dh and I were putting the food on the convayor belt, some black woman ( I am white) decides to get up to the front of my shopping cart and procedes to try and take my daughter (whose is sitting there minding her own business) out of the cart, I looked at the woman, and went to the front of the cart, she backed off, I made sure my daughter was still belted in the cart and walked back to the back of the cart to put the food on the convayor belt, this woman again tryied to take my daughter when my back was turned. This happened a total of 3 times when I finally stayed next to my daughter and told this woman off. Why is god's name would you do that to someone? That just made me even more protective of my daughter. I rarely ever had my eye off her for more then a couple seconds.

Be protective, its your right, its your child!!!!!! Dont think of your self as being selfish, think of it as protecting your child!!!!!!!

Platinum33 · 06-16-2004, 06:30 AM

LOL, Bren, I assure you it has nothing to do with race...I'm black, and I would never do something like that...I wouldn't even try to touch someone's toddler. That woman had something wrong with her, mentally....seriously.
But I've been lucky enough that people have not tried to touch my baby when I go out. It helps that I have this nice little carrier, where people can't tell that she's in there, and when they realize it, the whole thing just says "I don't want you touching my baby, so back off." I hate putting her in her stroller...I bought one of the cheaper ones you would put a toddler in...one, because it's too close to the floor, and two, because it puts her too far out in the open for touchy people.

I really need to do something about something though because it doesn't look like I can keep her away from people for too long.

Amy2003 · 06-16-2004, 06:35 AM

I am not sure if i agree with all of you. When my sisters had babies i was there all the time and now i have very good relationship with them. It would have hurt me a lot if my sisters would have not allowed me to take care of them. But basic cleaniness has to be maintained with infants and feeding them just anything too is not good. I would definately trust leaving my baby with my mom and my sisters. As far as others(friends/in -laws) are concerned if they can maintain a clean place for the baby and i feel they are taking good care then i dont think i would mind leaving him for a while. I think its important to let the baby interact with other people otherwise he/she will become very introvert. Strangers touching the baby without asking is a definate no no. Thats what i feel right now but who knows what happens once i have my baby in my hands!

Angela4 · 06-16-2004, 07:50 AM

OMG Bren, I would have freaked. How rude! What on earth was that lady doing?! It makes you think of the babies that get stolen, how scary.

I definitley don't think the babies should be kept only around the mom and dad and thats it, but as far as babysitting goes, I just can't see myself leaving my little one for very long with anyone, even my own mother. Once they get a little older then maybe, but not when they are under 6 months old. Who knows though, by the time I have the baby my views could change too, maybe I will want to get away for a couple of hours (never overnight though), though I'm sure my MIL would LOVE to have my baby stay for days on end, grrrrrrrr.
Platinum, did you say your mom could watch the baby? Or another relative? I would feel much safer personally with a relative watching my baby than someone outside the family.

Platinum33 · 06-16-2004, 08:58 AM

Amy, I think you took what I was saying the wrong way. It's not that I don't trust my mom with my baby. She is the one that raised me, so I know that she will take good care of my baby girl, no doubt about it. I'm just saying that I don't WANT to leave my baby with anyone, and that's where my concern comes in...why am I being so overprotective? As for the friends of the family who offered to watch the baby, I trust a good two of them well enough to leave her with them...when she gets some age on her though. But I just don't want to. Like I was saying, I think that it's merging in from the guilt that I feel for not being able to provide for her as I wish I could.

Angela, as I said, I trust my mom to watch my baby, and if I had my way, she'd be the only person to watch her. But I have to return to school in September...my baby will only be three months old. My mom has a full time job, so she can't watch her during the times of the day when I'm going to be in classes, but she can watch her at night while I'm at work...when I get a job of course. And I'm completely open to that. My thing is, I just don't like the idea of leaving her in a day care that early, with strangers and other little children. Now my cousin has a five month old baby girl, and I'm considering letting her watch my baby while I'm in classes. The only thing about her is that she isn't the best house keeper in the world, really not the best at all. And she also smokes, but I'm not sure whether she smokes in the house or not. I just don't want her to smoke around my baby. Not to mention, I don't know if she would be able to handle both little girls at the same time. I haven't talked to her yet, but I think I'm going to. I think that if I ask her not to smoke around my baby, she is most likely not going to do it, but there is always a slim chance, you know? But she's like my only relative, lol, well one that I know anyway.

Amy2003 · 06-16-2004, 09:07 AM

Platinum i do understand your problem. I think its more out of guilt that you are feeling this way but that is something you will have to live with if you want to be able to provide for your child being a single mom. Being overprotective is nothing wrong and i guess all parents are but sometimes the circimstances are such that you dont have any choice. I hope you are able to work through this as its only you who can!

You can always try and see if this cousin can look after your baby and if you dont like her way then look for other options. I am really sorry that i cant help in any other way but i am sure you will find a way out!

Angela4 · 06-16-2004, 09:10 AM

Will you be working and going to school at the same time? Or just working after you are done with school? School by itself wouldn't be that bad, at least the class part of it. The homework can be time consuming but at least you could be with the baby then. If you are only gone for a few hours during the weekdays I don't think that's too bad. I would try not to worry about it if I were you. How many classes are you taking? If your cousin doesn't smoke in the house, that may be a good bet. Plus then your baby can be around another baby during the day, that would be nice!

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