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Children being treated different by inlaws...

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Old 06-19-2004, 08:30 AM   #1
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York State
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daystar91 HB User
Children being treated different by inlaws...

Wondering if anyone else has ever dealt with this type of situation....I married my husband eight years ago, my oldest son is from a previous relationship but father wanted nothing to do with him so i left it as that....My husband took him in as his own and treats no different from his son[ our youngest]....My inlaws were very loving at first but as time went on they have outcast him....We live in the same town as them but really have nothing to do with them because of the way they treat us....My sister in law has caused so much trouble for us and my oldest son....Now her daughter is doing the same, for example she would speard rumuors that weren't true about my son through the family[stuff he supposely he did in school]...THey now even treat my youngest son the same but do sometimes treat him just a little bit better not by much though....My niece has it all, they treat her as if she was their own...The only time we have any type of contact with these people is at Christmas, which i dread....Last year i booked a vacation on Christmas so i wouldn't have to see my children be treated like dirt....It sounds mean but i just can't deal with it any more now here comes the holiday not to far off again....These people are not the type of people you can have a heart to heart talk to....The only time they talk to my husband is if they need some kind of work done to their car or house and which he always does for them....Now today he is putting up a garage for them, they have decided that they would invite us over for dinner since he is doing work for them....My oldest son 12 is begging me, he doesn't want to go...Everyone in his family will be there....My brother in law and his family go there for dinner every sunday but for some reason i guess they have to come to...That's why my son doesn't want to come is because of my niece who is just so nasty to him and my sister in law...It's like i'm put on the spot....
It hurts to see my children without grandparents....I always had my grandparents in my life up until they passed....My parents live far away so all they have is really us and my husbands family...

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Old 06-19-2004, 09:36 AM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,048
Mommyof4 HB User
Re: Children being treated different by inlaws...

Honestly, as long as the person is being hurtful, it isnt good for them to be around your children. This includes anyone in the family. I would not be around them the way things are now.

Has DH ever gone over and had a talk with them about the way you all feel? I would let them know how you feel. If the behavior goes on, I would cut ties with the relationship knowing I did all I could to understand the problem. I wish you luck
Mindy (Type 1 Dx'd 11/94..Insulin Pump)

Old 06-19-2004, 10:34 AM   #3
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York State
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daystar91 HB User
Re: Children being treated different by inlaws...

My husband has mention things they have done over the years but when you say anything they act like they do no wrong....They tell everyone on the outside of the family how they treat all the children the same but the don't....It's so noticable i don't know how they don't realize what they are doing...Especially my father in law her doesn't even talk to my oldest son, if he does it's to put him down....My son has been playing little loop football for four years now, his dream is to be a football player....My father in law told him he had a chance in a milliion to one to become a football player, so other words never....I let my children believe whatever they want and i always tell them if they put there minds to it they can become anything....Since then he really doesn't talk about becoming a football player anymore, it's depressing to me....He just crushed his dream, i think that was so wrong....
The hard part of all this is that the only reason we go at the holiday really is for my husbands grandmother....She is a sweet person and there might a time she might not be here....So the question is do i bite and grin and go to the family funcutions so we have that time with grandma???Holidays are special to grandma that she has her family all there with her at meal time....Or do i not except this years invitation due to the way they treat my children???My children are first on my list....But at the same time i don't want them to miss out on seeing their great grandma and miss out on anything....She is the only thing that keeps this family together on Christmas....She is 82 years old and not doing really well...

Old 06-22-2004, 07:58 AM   #4
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Ratatosk HB UserRatatosk HB User
Re: Children being treated different by inlaws...

Maybe you could just arrange to meet with grandma before christmas. Or any other time -- take the kids over to visit, take her out for coffee, have her over for dinner. I'm sure she gets lonely and would love to have company.

Went thru similar experience over 15 years ago. DH kept telling his folks that his SIL was a troublemaker -- even went so far as to say “someone is lying and it’s not me”. Inlaws chose the SIL over their own flesh and blood for the sake of the other grandchildren. We stayed away from family events ‘cuz I’d been accused of so many horrible things that we figured if we stayed away, I wouldn’t be blamed for their problem, wouldn’t be accused of anything even more horrendous.

Those events that we HAD to attend... I refused to speak to SIL. Just walked out of the room when she entered. She didn’t exist as far as I was concerned. Yes, my heart would pound and I was terrified she’d corner me and accuse me of wronging her, but I tried to surround myself with people who liked me for who I was and tried to laugh, visit and have a good time.

About 7 years later, BIL moved out and turns out there were TONS of relatives who’d been through similar experience. Was amazing how many people also avoided family events -- had used the excuse they had other family obligations -- because of run-ins with this woman. Was amazing! We were vindicated and DH took great joy in saying “I told you so”. Still, there are still some hard feelings. The new SIL was accepted into the family with open arms, I was pretty much shunned and had to fight and claw my way for acceptance. I’ve never received so much as an apology from BIL or my inlaws. They knew full well what was going on, but were afraid if they upset this woman, that they’d never get to see their grandchildren. So my advice is to stay away from them because I’m a firm believer in what goes around comes around and eventually people will see the light.

Last edited by Ratatosk; 06-22-2004 at 08:02 AM.

Old 06-22-2004, 10:05 PM   #5
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*SoccerMom* HB User
Post Re: Children being treated different by inlaws...

Hi Daystar

I can totally relate to what you are dealing with. I had a son when my husband and I married (he was 6 at the time). My inlaws treated him wonderfully........until my daughter was born. There was a HUGE difference in how they treated him. I dealt with it for a long time and made excuses ("babies are fun", "things will get better") Then, I started getting angry....How could they love him and do all those nice things and then just throw him to the curb just because he is not "biologically" their grandson.
You know what? I had another daughter (BIOLOGIALLY theirs too) and they treat her differently too! My youngest is now almost 5 and my son is 13 and unfortuately, things do not get easier. In fact, the children are not the only ones to realize that my middle child is their favorite. It is very noticeable to anyone who is around them. Last year at Disney World, I finally had enough. My son made constant remarks ("we have to do what SHE wants because SHE is their favorite!"), my youngest cried and other relatives were questioning me about it. I finally blew my top and told them off! Now, I don't recommend that....but I will tell you to talk to them (gently and lovingly) about it. Make sure to let them know that your main concern is your children. Things like that can build a wall of resentment with siblings. If they aren't at least willing to help fix some of the problems, then I suggest you staying away for a while. In my case, there is still some tension between me and my inlaws but they try very hard to keep it equal. No more coming over with a gift for one, asking only one to sleepover, or spending all of the time with just one. It is difficult by I know that with some work it can happen. Just try not to blow too much is precious gems that sometimes just need a little polishing!

Old 06-23-2004, 09:11 AM   #6
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Ratatosk HB UserRatatosk HB User
Re: Children being treated different by inlaws...

A friend of mine's gone through a similar situation. Her kids started asking her why grandma treats them differently. Why doesn't grandma like us? Visit us? Take us places like she does with their cousins... Finally she told them (they're now in their early teens) to ask Grandma. Just breaks her heart to see them treated this way, but she's gotten tired of trying to make excuses.

Old 07-09-2004, 02:10 PM   #7
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rosyposy HB User
Re: Children being treated different by inlaws...

yes i know what this feels like. i used to feel so badly for my children when this happened. At first I used to try to make up for it and i'd remind my sons how lovable and wanted they were. but at the end of the day the kids work it out. My daughter who received gifts ended up sharing them with her brothers - and announcing to her grandma that she had done so 'because you forgot them'. And one day she even offered to return a gift so her brothers wouldn't feel left out. Her brothers decided she should just take the stuff and they were happy for her. What went around eventually came around, the kids became more concerned for each other than for my inlaws. The inlaws may have felt more attached to my daughter than my sons, but by overlooking the attachment the kids had for each other they failed to recognise what was in my daughters best interests and what would make her happy. It is a shame the inlaws did not think ahead.

Last edited by rosyposy; 07-09-2004 at 02:48 PM.

Old 07-15-2004, 06:37 PM   #8
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edaisy80 HB User
Re: Children being treated different by inlaws...

If I were you then I would just invite the great-grandmother over for dinner on Christmas Eve. I would explain why to her before hand. That way your son will not feel uncomfortable and neither will you. You can have a nice dinner or even lunch, exchange gifts, and maybe grandma could even spend a couple of hours watching movies or watching the kids play. I'm very lucky that my in laws accept my kids. I have 2 kids from previous relationships. Their fathers have nothing to do with them. My husband raises them as his own. I was scared at first because I thought when we had our daughter that she would get special treatment being biologically theirs but she didn't. And she still doesn't and she almost 3. They all get the same amount for their birthdays and actually my oldest son gets a little more because he's the oldest and the other 2 don't understand yet that a gameboy doen't cost as much as a Spider-man action figure or baby doll. My oldest son's biological grandparents don't want anything to do with him. His father is a complete loser. My next to the oldest dad was there with him until he was 8 months old but as soon as I left it was like he left my son too. Not complaining to much because I was young but at least I was smart enough to get away from that family. His mother only saw him 3 times before he was a year old. She would be right down the street and wouldn't even stop in to say hi but as soon as she wanted to borrow money she was knocking on the door or calling. His mom acts like she wants something to do with him now but Caleb has PDD -NOS and I don't think he would completely understand that she is his biological grandmother. He went to her house a couple of months ago with my brother-in-law and she didn't even know who he was. I'm not about to bend over backwards after all this time because they decide they want to see him twice a year when its convient for them. My children's real grandparents are my mom and step-dad and my husband parents. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Old 08-28-2004, 11:47 AM   #9
Join Date: Aug 2004
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davep1 HB User
Re: Children being treated different by inlaws...

do what my mom did sit them all down tell tehm you are no longer welcome around us ever no more christmas move out of town if need be taht will make you boys happier my sister and i were treated simalar if probably not worse the last straw was a trip to florida were at 12 years old i spent 6 weeks sleeping a crib and fed from a high chair dragged around florida diapered and even endured the humiliation of being changed in a disney bathroom while my sister started her first monthly and was dragg about in ruined white shorts end it now before tehy do any more damage

Old 08-29-2004, 03:31 PM   #10
Join Date: Jul 2004
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craftlady HB User
Re: Children being treated different by inlaws...

My children were told that they are not worth anything because they were not BLOOD, they couldnt do this, that, or the other because they are not BLOOD. I finaly told the 'family' I was glad my kids are not their blood because what they are passing on is not what I would want for my children.
We have stayed away from them as much as possable. Forturnatly my kids know that you dont need to be BLOOD to be a loving caring person who respects others.

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