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Old 06-20-2004, 07:33 PM   #1
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steeletugboat HB User
Unhappy Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

well, first of all, Happy father's day to all you dads out there!!!!! I am a first time father, and my baby is comming in aug. exactly two months from today. well, my fiance and I split up for a few months, well more like nine. She was seeing this guy, and durring witch, me and her slept together a few times. when she found out she was pregnant, she went to the doctors, and they told her the day it was concieved. that day just so happened to be a day we slept together. And no, protection was not used. I guess we sorta in the back of our heads wanted a child together....well, now we have one. any way, we are back together, and My family knows that she is pregnant, and that it could be mine. However, none of them are in the least bit happy for me. My fiance's family is exstatic, but my family thinks that me being with her, and raising a child that might not be mine. I talked to them today, and none of them wished me a happy father's day, non...well, my mom did, but she is the only one happy for me. She knows that i don't care if it isn't mine, and that i would raise it like mine. anyway, even if the child isn't YOURS, and you are the one who raise's him, as a father figure, shouldn't that still qualify as being a "Father"? Is there any one who can give me some advice on what I should do about my family, and there resentment towards(what very well could be) my son?
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Old 06-20-2004, 08:24 PM   #2
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usedtobefrosty HB User
Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

The man any child will call father is the father who is there. For all the bumps, drool, diapers, school, dates, etc....

As for your family, I think that they will come around. It may just take them time. As long as you are not concerned about paternity, and you raise the child as your own regardless, then they will come around. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.
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Old 06-20-2004, 11:12 PM   #3
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

Well, me and her have tossed the idea of a paternity around, and we still are. However, regardless of paternity or not, I will raise him the way I would raise my own. It just seems that no one on my side of the family understands that, or the love I have for this woman. I just wish there was a way for me to just tell them all to "shove off" to say it nicely. The only problem with that, is I have a hard time confronting people, especially if they are my own flesh and blood. I just always was told by my father that he would support me in anything I decided to do, but now he doesn't think that I have made the "correct" choice, so he tells me every chance he gets. I don't think thats what a father should do.

Thank you very much for your advice, and I pray you are right, with the whole coming around thing.
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Old 06-20-2004, 11:37 PM   #4
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

Baby, I think you will be the BEST father in the history of the world. You mean everything to me, and I couldn't be happier with anyone else. Please stop worrying about what your family thinks. They will change their minds when they see our creation in the flesh, and are holding him in their arms. I love you, and I care about you more than anything. Thank you for loving me, and thank you for taking on this huge responsibilty of being a father to Caleb. You don't have to. But you do it because you WANT to, and that makes me soooooo proud to be your woman. Thank you, and please, never stop being you, the man that I love.
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Old 06-21-2004, 05:59 AM   #5
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

You have to step outside of the situation to really see it. I read a story in Guidepost magazine where a Grandfather wrote his Granddaughter a love letter. For 3 years, they had watched her while her parents worked. They had seen her grow and change from a baby to a little girl. 3 years into all of it, the mother announced that the baby did not belong to her dad and abruptly left taking the child with her. This baby that the family had come to love and cherish was simply gone. As a mother, I would be cautious about this happening to my son if he were in your position.

Another issue is that pregnancy is usually exclusive to the mother. I am not saying it should be that way but you can't deny that it is. The only person to wish my DH Happy Father's Day while I was pregnant was me. Once the baby is born, it will be easier to give you both the credit

I do wish you luck in this situation. I can see both sides. I can see where you already love this baby and accept it as your own. I can see where they might be afraid that there is no binding commitment in this situation. Good luck
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Old 06-22-2004, 02:11 AM   #6
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

Thanks for trying to help him, but I would NEVER take Caleb away from him. You are probably only worrying him more when you tell him things like that. He is the father, and he will be the father forever. I would never have any reason to just "up and leave". AND, I would never do something like that to my son. He wouldn't deserve it.
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Old 06-22-2004, 04:01 AM   #7
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

the only thing i would suggest is to be very cautious...i don't know what kind of woman this is but how do you know that she will let you be in this childs life forever? What's to stop this other guy from demanding a paternity test and wanting to be a father? And please don't say he doesn't know the baby could be his...becuase if he doesn't than he needs to know.
I think that this could work out if she's willing, but i'm just curious to know if there is any way for you to legaly assert yourself as the father (get a dna test!) if your are biologicly shown not to be? what's to stop her from letting you be around for now than dropping you if you guys break up or watever, if your are not the biological father you have very little legal rights (if i am mistaken someone who knows more than that stuff can correct me).
Also, get the DNA test done, the child needs to know who his/her bioligical father is reguardless of who raises her, and her bioligical father needs to know that this is his child so he has the option to step up and be a father. You may not care if the tests are done now, but get them done as soon as the baby is born and then you'll never have to worry about losing the baby if it's shown the baby is yours, if the baby is not than maybe you can get the biological father to sign over rights and you can adopt or something like that so you have some claim to the child (sorry again, not sure if the law works that way).
Either way whats to stop her from demanding a test down the road and kicking you to the curb if your not the father?
You sound like you'd be a great father, your willing to stick it out in a tough situation...i wish you good luck and a healthy baby.

 
Old 06-22-2004, 12:44 PM   #8
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

My goal is not to worry anyone. My goal is to look at things from all sides. He came here for advice and that is what was given. You have said that you would never leave him and that he is the father. You are also the person who gave him reason to doubt his paternity and also the one causing issues with his family. Who is actually making him worry???

Right now there is no comittment other than a verbal agreement. This is a house built on sand if you will so there is reason to worry without anyone saying a word. It seems to me that you are afraid that people are going to tell him things here that may make him stop and think about the situation. I wish you both luck in this situation
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Old 06-22-2004, 03:06 PM   #9
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

sorry jellybean, i did not read all of the posts before i posted my message, i hope what i wrote didn't offend you in any way, like i said i hadn't read through everything. I think that what the rest of us are concerned about is that if there is no established paternity than what is to stop you from taking the child away if you two ever part ways? or if god forbid something happen to you, who's to say you family wouldn't keep him from the baby.
I think that if you are serious about him always being caleb's father than you both need to see a lawyer to establish something legal that says he is the father. When the baby is born get a paternity test, that way you know that legaly he is the father and nothing can change that. If it's shown that he is not the father than the other guy needs to know, if he's not interested in being a father than see if you can have him sign over his rights and have your bf assume those rights. I'm sure there are many cases where a father steped up with good intentions and things didn't work out and relationships (father/child relationship) were ruined, you don't know what the future holds so there needs to be more than a verbal agreement that this man is going to be the father...i do think everything should be done as legal as possible so this little boy and his father don't ever get seperated.
The future is so uncertin and having an established paternity is an easy thing to get done, once it's established you can go from there, if he's not the father find some way to make it legal so he does have rights over caleb.

Last edited by MandyAnne26; 06-22-2004 at 03:10 PM.

 
Old 06-22-2004, 03:06 PM   #10
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

sorry it got posted twice,

Last edited by MandyAnne26; 06-22-2004 at 03:07 PM.

 
Old 06-23-2004, 12:45 PM   #11
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

MandyAnne26, Thank you for apologizing. I was slightly offended. We both appreciate the advice from everyone, but it is harder for anyone to know what is going on just by looking in from outside. Yes, a paternity test would seem like the best way to go in any normal situation, but not in this one. The other man was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made in my life, and my wonderful man agrees with this. The other guy is a drug-abusing, alcoholic, abusive man, and the BEST thing for Caleb is to keep him away from him. I don't trust him, and the way he has been known to act around me, and past girlfriends he has had. I don't want him to know even if he WAS the father. He already has a daughter, and he's not even there for her. This is the safest way for me to raise my son. I need to eliminate any possible threat to him, and that man is a threat. As for me and Steeletugboat, we are meant for each other. We have been through everything together and have only made it out stronger as a team. If it is possible to be designed for another, me and him are it. I love him with all my heart. Sometimes I find myself crying just out of my love for him. I trust him with my life, my heart, and my soul. He is the ideal description of the perfect man. Leaving him would be crazy, and stupid, and I am neither. Thank you for your help. Maybe now you can understand a little bit more about how serious we are to spend the rest of our lives together. We can do it, because we are the air each other breathes. Once again, thanks for your concern.
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Old 06-24-2004, 04:21 AM   #12
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

Like i said before i am sorry i offended you, my first message was in very general terms and a worst case senerio kind of thing.

You don't need a paternity test if the "alleged" father doesn't deny paternity (atleast not here, i'm sure there may be places where they are pretty routine). I understand all about the bio father not being a good influence. My 9 year old son has a father who has been a drug dealer, theif and in and out of jail, he has not seen him since he was a baby (and only because we happened to run into him) and i have no desire to have him in his life...the only difference is i don't have a man to step up and be a father.
I don't think it's right that the other man isn't going to know that possibly this baby is his, but i get your reasons behind it. The only thing i would be concerned with would be if for whatever reason your child needs family members to donate something (bone marrow, kidney, etc) it's not likely i know, but it happens and then he'll end up finding out when he's older than the man he thought was his father is possibly not it could really hurt him.
Why not have him sign the birth certificate and do something through the court system that will have him established as the father (i don't believe the father needs to be tested for this, someone can correct me if i'm wrong) so he has all the legal rights. Then at a later date have a test done to see if he is infact the father (sometimes blood types can help determine that also, when a mother and father have certin blood types then the baby can only be certin blood types), if not then he's already legaly the father so it doesn't matter....i dunno...
it sounds as if you guys are good together, I really hope everything works out for you two and caleb..

 
Old 06-25-2004, 07:54 AM   #13
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jellybean000 HB User
Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

I know what you mean about the whole maybe he should know scenario, but the man scares me. I know that he would do something stupid if he knew. He is in jail right now, and when he gets out I already have a feeling he will be popping up again, but I don't want that to be for my son. Everyday I think about the what if's and I am still confused as to what could possibly happen, anything could I guess. I will just have to take it as it comes. I pray everyday that nothing happens to make Caleb need to know if my ex was his father. I wish that he never needs an organ of any kind or anything else for that matter.

Thank you for wishing us well. Everything will work out in the end.
Good luck in everything that you do.
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He is so beautiful!

 
Old 06-28-2004, 07:36 AM   #14
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

Well...Jellybean and Steel,

I am in a similiar situation. I am right now pregnant due close to you, Aug 21. I am married to a wonder man (I am now realizing how wonderful his is), we separate last year in about Sept. We have been married a long long time, it was 10 yrs in January. Anyways...We separated, I was seeing this guy I dated back in high school, we slept together several times, we used condoms everytime. Well just before Xmas last year, I found out I was pregnant. I am not 100% sure whos child it is, I am pretty sure about 95% to 98% sure it is the other guys. Orginally the guy told me that whatever I decided he would support, well I talked to my DH and did alot of thinking, Getting rid of this child was not an opinion, I couldnt have handled it, DH and I have had a heck of a time having and keeping kids. I told the other guy I wanted to keep the baby, he told me "No, abort it!, I dont want it and dont want the responsiblity, I cant handle that". I was completely and utterly devistated, There was no way I could handle doing that to a healthly baby. I told my ex hubby what the guy said " he told me to keep it and that everything would be ok". My ex hubby then called my DH at work and told him what the guy told me. My dh then called me and told me to "calm down and that everything was going to be fine", he said "F*** that guy, this is OUR child!, if his doesnt want this child then so be it, he doesnt have to have anything to do with OUR child!". I talked to the guy an told him that if he doesnt want this child then so be it my DH will take the child on as his own. The guy said "fine". I also told the guy that "if my dh take this child on then his will have nothing to do with this child ever" and again the guy said "fine, cuz he doesnt want that responsiblity!".

Now I didnt tell my family and DH didnt let his family and the other guy hasnt told anyone. So we are going to leave it as this is DH's and my child. I have talked to DH about getting a paternity test done, he says "there is no need, I AM THE FATHER!". I know get scared the other guy may one day came back and want a relationship with my child, and I am also scared that my DH one day will say "you know what this isnt my kid, have a nice life". My dh keeps reassuring me that, that will not happen, I have talked to the other guy and he reassures my that he doesnt want this child and will not come back later and change his mind.

I was talking to my best friend and she and I are going to sit down and make up some sort of legal agreemnt for the other guy to sign stating that he doesnt want this child and that he will never come back to attemp to have a relationship with this child and I am going to have him sign the paper and have it noterized. I know it is not completely legal but at least its something, it is a bit of peace of mind.

Jellybean...I know what a wonderful relief it is to know that you have this great and wonderful guy willing to take on this child no matter what. Steel really loves you alot to do this. NEVER forget that you have such a great and wonderful man there standing beside you.

Steel...you are a great man to take on this child knowing that it may not be your. You must really love Jellybean, or you wouldnt be willing to do this. I give you alot of credit as I do my own DH, for being such an up standing man.

Question.....Why did either of you tell your family that there was a possiblity of Steel not being the father?

The state I live in, if the fathers name is on the birth certifiate he is the father end of story. You could go online and get one of the paternity test kit for a couple hundred dollar or so and test Steel some point after the baby is born to see if he is the biological father or not, you dont have to get a legal test done, no one has to know. If the test comes back with Steel as the biological father, then you will know for sure and then you can show it to your families if you wanted. If the test comes back with Steel not being the biological father, shred the paper, and you never need to tell anyone any different. Just a thought.

As for Steel family having a problem with the fact that Steel may not be the biological father, tell them that it doesnt matter, as father is a person who assumes responsiblity, financial care, love, physical, mental and emotional support for a child, all of which Steel is planning on doing. If Steels family still cant except this, 1) as time goes on they may change there minds... 2) it is there lose. They will be losing out on a chance to spend time with there grandchild, neice or nephew ect...

My biggest concern would be Steels family may someday telling your child that Steel may not be his biological father. Then you will have a whole new set of problems on your hands.

Would Steels family believe he had a paternity test done with out ever showing them proof on paper? Steel would know his family better then anyone, if he thinks they would believe it, then at some point after the baby is born tell them that you got a paternity test done and Steel is the biological father, reguardless of weather you had the test done or not.

I have a spiteful family and if they knew my dh maynot be the biological father, they would someday tell my child, not all my family is like that just a select few.

Good luck I hope everything turns out for the both of you.

Last edited by bren7; 06-28-2004 at 08:03 AM.

 
Old 06-28-2004, 08:14 AM   #15
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Re: Not feeling like "The Worlds Best Dad"

Jellybean one thing you could do is to do a paternity test and if your bf is the father then great but if not see about having the other guys rights temenated and have your bf adopt him. The reason I say this is my husband is not the biological father of my oldest child but he is her daddy and always has been. When she was 2 years old me and hubby got married and he adopted he so she is now and will always be his. However when she is old enough to understand everything we will tell her the whole story and if she wants to find he biological father then fine if not thats fine too
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