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Old 07-14-2004, 07:59 AM   #1
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neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

I WAS pretty good friends with my neighbors, but lately the whole situation has become strained, although we are still friendly. These people seem very nice and high-functioning as a family. The have alot of money, are in their late-40s and the mom stays at home with the kids. The children are 13 and 3 1/2. My daughter just turned 2. The 3 1/2 year old (boy) has always been rough with my daughter, taking toys from her and stuff, but lately Ive been watching the kids even more closely as they play, and I am disturbed by what I have seen. His parents claim that he is roughhousing and my daughter being a girl just doesnt like to play like that. Well, that isnt what is going on AT ALL. When he gets angry, he hits her. Now that wasnt so bad and my response was to send him home. Yesterday I noticed that as he plays with her, he is PINCHING her!!!!! He isnt even fighting with her when he does this. He pinches her hard on the arms, and she eventually cries and since we hadnt seen this before, I was assuming she was fussy. He still hits and kicks, even when he isnt fighting with her, but the pinching literally creeps me out. He is intentionally hurting her for no reason. Needless to say he is a terror in all aspects anyway. He has always done things to torture his parents, totally on purpose. I have seen him rub poop into the carpet when he soiled helf, he throws his food all over the place at mealtimes, he has broken things including statues on my neighbors porch (he went up there and threw it several times until it broke) he has thrown rocks at my cat, he will get on his mini-wheel and take off right out of our neighborhood, he has darted in front of cars on busy streets (went shopping with them one time) he yells at his parents, me, anyone who attempts to discipline him. We live in a group of townhouses, and all the neighbors hate this kid. Im going to stop allowing my daughter to play with him. That wont be hard as he is the one over at my house, seeking her out. She doesnt seek him out. The parents will be mad. I overheard the dad a week ago in the house yelling about how I have 2 daughters and thier son is behaving fine, its just that my kids are dainty little girls who dont know how to roughhouse, and I am picking on their son. Talk about denial. They are going nuts over this kid and his behavior, but fiercely defend him at the same time. I am mad enough that I had to overhear this conversation (hello, close your windows, im outside watching the kids!!!) They are lost on how to deal with the kid, and my concern is now primarily for my 2 year old. She is a sweetie who wouldnt hurt a fly and he is physically abusing her. Lately the whole family has been fighting, with all of the neighbors getting to listen the the parents fight, then fight with the kids, etc. There is alot of yelling. The wife still talks to me, and complains about her son's behavior, but I dont feel like offering advice or sympathy at this point. They dont supervise him enough, provided his behavior. Sometimes they make the 13 year old daughter watch him, but shes a kid and ends up playing and not watching him, and the parents eventually come out and scream and yell at her for it. Its alot of drama, and the neighbors and I have talked about it alot. Mostly people have been pulling me aside to tell me that they are appalled by the way this boy is acting, especially with my daughter. I feel bad because our friendship is pretty much over. I used to be pretty close with them, but Im too angry about the conversation I overheard, as well as their crappy parenting, which is becoming EVERYONE'S problem who lives here. I guess that is what makes me the most angry, I have been dragged into their problems, and my name is being mentioned in fights. I have enough to deal with, I dont want to be a part of this. I have a feeling this will get ugly in the end. But Im doing what i Have to do for my little girl. This kid is a sociopath!!!!!!! Sorry so long, I really needed to vent. Also, the mom claims to me that when he is with other boys, he gets along GREAT with everyone (I doubt it) and vehemently defends him, and then will later complain about him. This is their fault. They never consisitently discipline him, and buy him whatever he wants any time they go out to avoid tantrums. At the age of 3, he has nights where he decides to stay up all night, to play or whatever, and mom will sit up with him. He runs the household. She complains about these things, but never does anything to stop this. He has gotten into their fridge and smashed all their eggs all over the kitchen, I could go on and on...I know what I have to do here, but I dread the drama that will ensue. ugh

 
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Old 07-14-2004, 08:41 AM   #2
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

There really is no reason for drama to ensue. You can say that you are busy and can't talk, you can say that you are busy and cant do things, you can say that you have plans with your daughter and she cant play, etc. There doesn't have to be direct confrontation. With enough time, they will get the hint.

It is awful that this boy is acting this way but I can assure you that he is NOT a sociopath!! He is a child with no limits and not enough maturity to set them himself. He is in the middle of high drama himself with no maturity to focus that frustration. Children have various ways of dealing with stress and it looks like his is to lash out. Children want limits. It lets them know that there is someone in charge of the chaos. When they don't have limits, anything goes. Nothing makes me madder than a parent griping about how their kids act but not being willing to do anything about it.

I agree that you should keep your daughter away from him. I do hope that this family gets some help as it isnt fair what they are doing to their kids. I would just avoid them and this includes gossiping with neighbors about the problem. It doesnt help the situation in any way for you all to discuss a problem you know exhists. I would go my own way and get on with life. Good luck
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Old 07-14-2004, 08:42 AM   #3
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

wow...i feel bad for you to be put in this postion...it is not an easy one to be in. I think for the safety of your daughter he cannot be alowed to play with her anymore. She needs to know it is not acceptable for her to be treated this way, which is what will happen if he is alowed to play with her and abuse her. I've heard about parents like your neighbours, but i have yet to experience them. They are probably afraid to decipline him and thefore have created a monster. Children need structures, rules and decipline along with love, understanding and the odd special treat or toy. What those parents are doing is setting this little boy up for failure, in school and in life. He is learning that rules do not apply to him and he can treat people however he feels like treating them. I wonder what will happen when he is old enough to go out with friends and to the store and things unsupervised....will he beat people up? steal? vandelise? i don't know what to tell you to do other than to buy this woman a parenting book and hope she reads it. If her sons behaviour isn't bad enough for her to want to change how she deals with him than i don't know what would be enough. Sadly you may have to lose your friendship with this woman, but if she shows that little reguard for your daughters safty and the safety of the other children and property in the neighbourhood than maybe your better off...maybe losing a friend will make her understand there is something wrong. Maybe someone needs to help her to realize she is doing her son a diservice by allowing him to do what he wants, in a few years he'll be in school, other children won't want to play with him, he'll constantly have to be deciplined by the teachers and other staff at the school..i feel bad for him, it's not his fault but he will pay the price in the end.

 
Old 07-14-2004, 08:55 AM   #4
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

It sounds like the parent's need to be spanked - not the child! Just as the other poster stated - This child needs rules and boundries and neither of his parent's are willing to set them. I see a road of all kinds of problems as this child comes into his teenage years.
Keep your daughter away from him at all costs. If the mother starts asking questions I would tell her the truth. No reason to lie, why would you want to? I would nicely say that their son plays too rough with your daughter and you don't want him playing with her anymore. Plain and simple. Who cares what the Dad is ranting and raving about when screaming at his wife? Maybe someday the idiot will get a clue and do something about his son's behavior. It sounds like the father makes the decisions and the mother just goes along with whatever he says. Big mistake, but that's they way they do things. Not your problem though. Sooner or later the rest of the neighbors will not allow their children to play with him either. That way he can torture his parent's 24/7 and maybe they will get sick of it!

 
Old 07-14-2004, 10:06 AM   #5
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Thumbs down Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

I don't think there's any reason to lie or make up a story to get away from them. simply tell the truth. they won't like it, and they'll probably get p.o.'d...but who cares? You should tell them that they are not good parents and they need to discipline their children...a lot of behavior like that i have seen is because of lack of love and attention. I do have a big problem with people telling you to lie....what does that fix?

 
Old 07-14-2004, 05:47 PM   #6
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

I take it that the comments on telling her to lie come from my post about saying that you are busy. I could be wrong but will explain my logic anyway.

I dont see it as lying. I see it as conflict aversion. This mother sounds exactly like another poster stated in that she does not do things on her own. The father seems wrapped in anger and the mother seems to just limp along in her dysfunctional family. She sees all of the problems so telling her about them will do no good IMHO. You can tell them that their son is too rough or whatever but they don't seem willing to do anything about it. Surely, someone has told them something like that by now yet the problem remains. Telling them that they are bad parents just starts a war as that is a sensitive area for anyone. Then the OP wouldnt just be dealing with the kid but irate parents. The problem would only grow 10 fold to tell them how awful they are.

By saying you are busy, you simply mean that you are too busy to deal with the woman or the little boy. I know there are times when I am too busy and stressed to deal with certain people. Seeing as the little boy seems to be the only one to play with, I would start trying to become her playmate until she gets into a daycare or simply around other children so saying that you want to spend time with her is not a lie either. Keep in mind that sometimes you don't need an explaination. "Now is not a good time" is sufficient

I simply believe that direct confrontation will do nothing in this situation but start a war. Anyone who has had an ongoing feud with someone you see daily like your neighbors can understand how sometimes being brutally honest is the worst thing you can do. Again, that is JMHO
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Old 07-14-2004, 08:41 PM   #7
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

We live on a dead end road. In the evenings, all of the little ones go outside to play. When my daughter is out there (with me watching close by) he sticks to her like glue. Its almost sad because my little girl likes everyone, and likes him despite all this. I cant say Im busy as we play outside, and I havent lied to them about this before, I wont lie now. They already know I wont let him in my house. He tears it up. I wont let him destroy my things either (ive had a few casualties). I told the mom today about how I noticed the pinching and her response was "yeah, he does it to me too. No big deal" I should have guess, because he hits his parents too. He is being raised to think there is no such thing as no, or consequences, and his concept of other people's needs, I guess you could say empathy, is nonexistant at this point. Oh, and the daughter is a mess too but I wont go too heavily into detail, as she isnt too much of a problem cause my 7 year old decided she is mean, and found other friends. The oldest gets into alot of trouble at school, is very immature, and screams, just like the rest of em. Its so fun to watch them scream at each other. I dont think Im gossiping too badly, but everyone has noticed the kid,and the loud family disputes, and I dont even really care anymore. I have great neighbors with great kids and its hard NOT to say something about the zoo over there. Its not anything I wouldnt say to them as well, so I dont feel TOO guilty about it. This isnt your usual trashy family either. they are military, make good money, educated, new cars, the wife is perfect on the surface, cooking and cleaning like a madwoman and at the very least showing lots of interest in the kids. Her relationship with the boy seems to be very immeshed. He sees his mom all the time, she gives him anything he wants, and dad doesnt contribute enough, so she is overwhelmed. She will discipline him, feel guilty and apologize, and make it up to him. very consistent.

 
Old 07-14-2004, 10:47 PM   #8
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

Then I would fine whatever way works best for you to keep your daughter safe. I would also use my energy to explore ways to help this little boy in any way you can. Obviously talking to either one of them is a waste of time so I wish you the best on this issue
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Old 07-15-2004, 05:28 AM   #9
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

Hilary are you decribing the kid next door to you or me? LOL I know its not funny but the kid next to you sound just like my neighbors kid. They just moved here in May and of course I thought "hey my daughter will have someone her own age to play with". Big mistake. He is horriable. He likes to take her toys. He like to hit, kick, and pinch my daughter. His mom does nothing to stop him. At first I thought OK he's an only kid and he's just not used to being around other kids. My daughter is 2 and he's 3 years old. She can handle her own because she has 2 older brothers who are 6 & 9. She doesn't take any crap from them. But I guess the problem is the little boy next door is shorter then her so she will not defend herself against him. Maybe to her she sees him as being smaller I have no idea. Anyway! At first I tried to see if he would change once he got used to being around her but it was like he was ok for about a week. Whenever his mom wasn't around he wasn't mean to her but as soon as his mom walked in he would start hitting her and taking toys from her. She would just cry. Then he started pinching her. So my husband said "he can not play with her if he can't be nice." I felt kinda bad because even though he's mean to her she still wants to play with him. A couple of days after he pinched her I got on to her for whatever it was she walked up to me and pinced my arm. I was like ok that's it no more. We went to my sisters for 2 weeks and since we've been back I haven't taken her over to play with him or invited him to play with her. He's only been here once because his mom had a meeting to go to and needed a babysitter. Like I said earlier he's usually nice to Lexi whenever his mom isn't around. They were sitting on opposite couches. I guess he thought I didn't see him. She was watching t.v. and the next thing I seen was him just smack her on legs. I will not let her play with him anymore. His mother doen't disipline him at all. She buys him whatever he wants. It doen't matter if she only has $20.00 left and another week before payday if he wants it she will spend the last bit of money to buy what he wants. But on the bright side we went and purchased our daughter a new swing set so she doesn't think about playing with him. Its hard having neighbors like that. I hope you have some good luck with your neighbor.

 
Old 07-15-2004, 07:28 AM   #10
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

Lol, I think alot of people have similiar problems. No shortage of bad parents out there, unfortunately. Since I have always voiced my concerns to them, making the decision to eliminate their playtime together wont be a big shock to them. I already told them I dont want my daughter doing the same things. I cant help the kid. Hes not mine and I would rather spend that time and energy on MY family. Plus, I dont particularly like him. He has screamed at me as well, and I wont tolerate that. His parents are very affectionate with him, and he gets tons of attention. Im not going to offer him the discipline he is missing, hes not neglected, just spoiled. The best "help" I can provide is not offering up my kids as punching bags, and if anything bad comes out of their fights, or they continue to let the kid get into situations that could harm him, I will call social services. That is the extent of my duties here. He was running around naked, all the time outdoors. My other neighbor told them it made her kids uncomfortable, and to put some clothes on the kid. I kept thinking that he would get older and they would put an end to the nakedness, but it didnt happen. The landlord was called and came out to tell them to knock it off and make the kid wear clothes while outside. Sometimes he will come out with a shirt and no pants, or take his clothes off, but for the most part, we finally dont have to look at his privates I have noticed that when he is in the house he is always totally naked. He will be in the windows (all the time) . Im not a confrontational person, but Im staying honest and firm in this situation. No sense in lying, they need a wake up call.

 
Old 07-15-2004, 09:26 AM   #11
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

What this little brat needs is another child around his age to "pop" him one! I know I will catch some hate over this as I too do not believe in fighting, but here's a story of what happened in my neighborhood when I was a kid: The neighborhood bully lived across the street (we also lived in a cul-de-sac) and he tortured all the other kids on the street. He was just awful. During snowball fights he would dip them in water to make them iceballs so they would hurt you when he threw them at you! He was just a monster, but no one stood up to him. Until one day: A new family moved into the house next to ours and they had three kids: 2 girls and a boy. One of the girls was the same age as the bully. Of course the bully had to show his nasty self to this little girl and she kicked his a*s! Right out in front of everyone! I mean she whooped him good - bloody nose and the whole bit. Sent him home crying. I tell you that kid never bothered any of us again. He even stayed in his house most of that summer and didn't play outside.
I know the kid in your neighbood is little, but someday someone is going to get fed up with him and let him have it. Maybe that will cool his jets for awhile. Now if someone could do something about his parents,,,,,,,

 
Old 07-15-2004, 09:29 AM   #12
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

P.S. You said they were Military? Hopefully the husband will get transfered and you won't have to deal with them anymore!

 
Old 07-15-2004, 12:42 PM   #13
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

Whats funny is this kid is very very small for his age. Both of the parents are short, so he is doomed if he continues to be like this. His mom kept him out of preschool this year because she fears this happening. Like putting a band-aid on the whole mess. Keep him home to terrorize babies so that kids his own age wont put him in his place.

 
Old 07-15-2004, 02:08 PM   #14
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

Hiliary I agree with you. You shouldn't have to teach the kid right from wrong. His parents should have been doing it from the start. Hopefully she will realize how horrible he is and staighten him up before he goes to school. Its bad enough for a kid to be picked on at school or something they shouldn't have to tolurate it at home too. He will probably get a rude awakening when he get to school. Like someone else said "they will put him in his place." His dad is in the military? My husband is in the military too and if my boys or daughter did that he would set them straight real quick. That's a big no-no. My kids get sent to bed for hitting each other. My oldest son is smaller then the average 9 year old. Everyone thinks he's 6 years old. A first grader is what everyone says. I thought them that its not ok to hit. But when he was in Kindergarden he looked like a 4 year old pre-school kid. A fourth grader kept picking on him. He would come home from school (he rode the bus) or from his friends house crying becuase this kid constantly was hitting him. One day I was just so tired of it I said "don't come home crying anymore just pop him one and he will leave you alone". So that's what he did. That is the first time and last time I told him to hit anyone but he's so small he's probably always going to be a target. He's little but he's very strong too. I guess that boy just needed to be popped. He didn't mess with Cameron again. Oh yeah the reason I ask if the boys father was military was because I see alot of boys who fathers in the military encourage their sons to be rough and tough. Like a control issue or something. I don't know what it is. Well like another person said since their military (maybe he won't retire there) and will be stationed somewhere else soon.

 
Old 07-16-2004, 02:53 PM   #15
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Re: neighbor child is abusing my daughter...

Oh, yeah, dad is military and totally encourages this behavior. Ive noticed lately dad has a bad temper. The daughter is a major tomboy and she is at the point where she wont even wear clothes from the girls department, and she wont play with girls at all either. Now I dont have a huge problem with tomboys, I was one too and my 7 year old is very athletic, but I wont shop in the boy's department, period. Her clothes dont have to be girly, but they have to fit her, and everything their daughter wears is about 4 sizes too big. She hit puberty last year in a major way and HATES it!!!!I sometimes wonder if the dad encouraged that with her. Because she hates girls, and the dad made all those disparaging remarks about me being the mother of girls. After I heard that, I thought he sounded downright sexist!!!! I am inferior as a woman because my body produced only girl children!

 
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