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Old 07-16-2004, 08:59 AM   #1
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Jennyo HB User
Need advice

My husband has recently experienced the death of a very important family member, and is extremely depressed. He will not seek help, and is getting worse.

Two days ago, he caught our 15 year old son smoking marijuana in the house. We have suspected from time to time that he may be dabbling with pot, but for the most part he is a good kid. My husband was extremely angry and trew my son out of the house. When I came home from work, we discussed that this was not acceptable to throw him out and had to deal with this another way. My husband then stated that he would be moving out if our son continued to live there. He moved out two days ago.

My mind knows that my husband is behaving irrationaly, but I also do not want to minimize what my son has done. I guess I'm dealing with two very separate but equally tough issues.

I don't even know how to begin to punish my son in an appropirate way. I've never dealt with this before. Of course I do not condone this behavior, but I also believe that kids are going to do what they want no matter what you do, and want him to behave in a responsible way. Part of me thinks that at least he was not in a car with a friend, or out on the street doing it.

I don't even know where to begin with this, and nobody seems to understand?????

 
Old 07-16-2004, 09:34 AM   #2
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Re: Need advice

Tough spot to be in. First, I don't condone the fact that your son is smoking pot, but throwing him out of the house is a bit drastic. Where does your husband think your son will live? On the streets, or with other kids that also smoke? Was this the first instance in which your son has been caught? I believe you should sit down and calmly discuss this with your son. Find out how long he has been doing this and maybe ask him what he is getting out of it. You are correct in the fact that kids are kids and will find ways to do what ever they want, but if you lay down the laws, rules and boundaries of your house and your expectations, he will know where you stand. Explain to your son that with being 15 and getting older, a certain amount of responsibility and freedom has been given to him. If he continues to have this behavior, you will take away those freedoms and treat him like a 7 yr old. Is he in school? How are his grades? Does he get into any trouble there?
If indeed your son is a pretty good kid, your husband may need to lighten up a bit and not react so harshly if this is the first offense. You said your husband lost a family member recently and maybe is angry about it and took it out on your son. Does you son respect you and your husband? I feel bad for you in the respect that you were kinda left there alone to deal with all of this.

 
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Old 07-16-2004, 09:35 AM   #3
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Re: Need advice

I somewhat understand. When kids get to your sons age parenting becomes more about teaching rather than punishing. Talk to your son, find out how often he does it. It is a normal thing for teenagers to experiment, not that it's allowable, but there is a huge difference between a child who does it as much as they can and a child who does it once in a while. I knew many people in my high school who did it occasionaly and didn't turn into drug addicts or criminols. How you react is very important, let him know that it is not an ok thing to do. go online and show him the risks of doing it. Try to avoid giving him a lecture, i know when i was his age i would just tune my mother out and not listen, so try to talk to him and not to talk at him. How you approach it really depends on your views of it...like i said make sure he knows it's not an ok thing (such as drinking and smoking ciggerettes would not be ok), ask him why he feels the need to do it, is it peer pressure? he does it to relax? to fit in? Chances are he's going to find a way to do it even if you grounded him and too privlidges away...some may not agree with me, but nobody i knew growing up stoped smoking pot because they got grounded, they just got a lot sneekier with it, and of course most outgrew that phase before they left high school.
As far as your husband, i really don't know what to say there. I think he's just having an extremly hard time dealing with death. Does he generaly deal with stress well? He may just need some time to grieve by himself and is using your son as an excuse to leave? I would keep the lines of communication open. For the timebeing i would try to be understanding rather than taking it personaly. Let him know that you are there to help in whichever way you can. You can try to find a berevement support group for him, i don't know if he'd go, but even if you could go and get some advise on how to help him through this. It's a tough situation, it's hard to support someone who doesn't want supporting. Hopefully he'll realize soon that he needs his family and come back. Is there anybody in his family (parents, brothers, sisters?) who you can talk to and maybe can give you some advise on how to deal with him? I honestly don't know what to tell you, it's a tough situation, i hope things get better for you and your family.

 
Old 07-16-2004, 11:04 PM   #4
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Re: Need advice

Because of how old your son is I think you should sit down and talk to him about the other drugs out there. I mean get some real facts what it does to your body then and in the future. Pot is not that bad concidering the others drugs that are out there. Huffing, acid, coke, crystal and oh, exsticy is a really hot one right now and it is a very scary drug. One bad pill and it could paralize you or even worse kill you. See the thing is what my sister and I learned in high school is it tends to be the kids that smoke pot usually only drink, smoke pot and some mushrooms. Half of the kids that didn't smoke pot were into the harder drugs (x, crystal, coke). Now I'm not saying all cases but that is just the mojority when we went. It is very easy to get drugs nowadays and people don't care what happens to you as long as they get there money. I am scared to think of what will be out there when my little one gets older. Just educate him because the more he know the more it should steer him clear.
As for the husband....I don't know what to tell you. He sounds alot like my dad. Just give him time right now. My husband and I have very different opioins about the way we will raise her as a teenager. SHe is only 17 months and we are already arruing about it. For example she is drunk, 16 and calls us for a ride at 2 in the morning to pick her up. He would pick her up and yell at her for drinking underage. I would pick her up and thank her for thinking responiably and then drive home saying nothing more. Then it wouldn't scare her from calling us. Or if she is drinking underage and you can't stop it cause they will do what they want. I would rather her do it under my supervision. He would rather her drink in a park then at home. Anyways good luck.

 
Old 07-17-2004, 12:37 AM   #5
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hayley0610 HB User
Re: Need advice

i hope this helps you and im not giving advice so much as talking from someone whose been in ur sons shoes! when i was 15 im now 32 i started smoking pot, it never lead to harder drugs and i dont regret it even tho i could never imagine smoking it now. my parents basically threw me out because of that and the crowd i was with and i didnt want to listen to them. it was the worst thing they couldve done. i have lived on my own ever since and im now educated with my own family a great job husband and kids BUT i wouldve made different decisions for my self between 15 and 24 if my parents wouldve taken a different approach and supported me instead of treating me like a disposable asset. pot really isnt that bad at least in my opinion yes id be upset if my kids did it but i woulndt think it was the end of the world, its pot not heroin. saying that tho doesnt mean its right for him to do it but he is a kid and kicking him out does invite him to start being around other people that arent so great and maybe he will do things he wouldnt have to be accepted or things he may regret when he gets older that was of a result of him not living with you. if my parents wouldve dealt with it instead of treating me like im a lost cause i wouldve done things different im just lucky i turned out the way i have. imo your son should come first he is still a child and children make mistakes just like coloring on a wall with crayon. its going to teach him nothing except how to lie steal and cheat better if he doesnt have you as an influence in his life. my mom couldbt be bothered and i still cant understand it now having my own kids as they come first even before my husband and i would respect if he took that same attitude as well. your husband is a grown up and now needs to deal with his own situations in his own way and time. he knows right and wrong whereas your son may too but needs to not be "thrown away" like i was. he needs to be at home and all the talk in the world may or may not get him to stop smoking pot only time will tell but this "punishment" shows nothing to him as a parent and as your child. he will get out of this phase and he does need to know its wrong but grounding him or kicking him out isnt going to stop it. it is just a phase and its not the end of the world many people smoke pot, i think people assume its a horrendous thing when its not necasarily. i wish you luck with this and i hope you do what is right. your husband may or may not come around but at the end of the day your husbands future has been mapped out, your sons hasnt.

 
Old 07-17-2004, 04:41 AM   #6
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Re: Need advice

JennyO
Is it legal to throw a 15 year old out in your State?
Terry

 
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