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Old 07-21-2004, 07:45 PM   #1
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Mom's time to let go

I have a son who is almost 19. He just moved out into an apartment....which is fine. He has a job and makes enough to pay "his part" of the rent and utilities. The bad thing is, he moved in with a girl who is 21 almost 22.....who was kicked out of her house because she stole from her mom and anyone else she could. She has no problem looking right at you and lying. She has "flopped" at anyone's house she can, until they finally kicker out. She has been out of her house for over 6 months.....no job.....no will to get one. So, my sone decided since he loved her so much he would get an apartment and she would have a home. she has lied about getting job.....doesn't have a car to get to a job. I see the stress in my son's face every time I see him. He comes over on Saturdays and does his laundry. (not hers) I send him home with bread, milk and any little thing I might have that he needs. I do not buy groceries or shop for him. I do not pay his bills or loan him money to pay his bills. I know it's a matter of time before he comes back home...but I wonder what kind of shape he'll be in when he does. I have had a hard time letting go, and letting him explore the world...it's a hard world...I know he has to, in order to grow up. I just wish he had a guy roommate who could pay his share and they could have a good time and enjoy their freedom. He only lives 3-4 blocks away......but I miss him so much and hope he does not ruin his credit, get kicked out of the apartment for not paying rent........I need someone who knows what I am talking about to respond.....This is tough on moms.....

 
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Old 07-22-2004, 03:36 AM   #2
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Re: Mom's time to let go

It's tough to watch your kids fail. The only thing i would be concerned about is if her name is on the lease...you can ask your son to talk to the landlord to see if he will ruin his credit if he pays his half but she doesn't pay hers. Not much anybody can do about the utilities, he is resposible for whatever bills are in his name, so i would suggest no long distance on the phone, have it restricted so only toll free local calls can be made, that'll keep the bill down to a minimum. I think your son is probably convinced (atleast in the beginning) that he's doing the right thing and that all this girl needs is someone to be nice to her and give her a place to stay...he'll be proven wrong soon enough, if he hasn't figured it out yet he will soon, this girl is a user. She uses someone up for all they can give her than runs off to the next person. I'm sure she talks a good story, it was everybody else, they just don't like her, she probably tells the sob story well.
Unfortunitly your just going to have to wait around for your son to realize this on his own, he may come crawling back home, most likely if he can't afford to live 100% on his own. This is a life lesson for him, and make sure he knows it, you cannot help people who won't help themselves, it's not his job to fix people, and i think the most important one, don't let people walk all over him (which is what this girl is doing), and use him.
You should either find out from him or do your own research, i know where i am at if 2 people sign a lease and 1 of those people chooses to move out than they can have their name removed off of the lease (they forefiet their damage deposit) so they are no longer respsonsible for their portion and are free to move on. Does he have any guy friends who he could have take her portion of the rent if he kicks her out? You really should encourage him to do that, there are so many reasons why...he needs to have some self respect in this whole thing...it's fine to want to help people, it's a whole other thing to support a freeloader and a theif. Bottem line tell him to find out what his rights are as far as the rent and things (if she signed the lease also), and tell him that he needs to stand up for himself and stop letting himself be walked all over. He probably will end up being hurt in the end, she'll use him up then leave him, but it'll be a lesson learned, and hopefully he'll never make this mistake again.

 
Old 07-22-2004, 03:48 AM   #3
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Re: Mom's time to let go

Even though it is tough to talk to your son about sex I would take the time to remind him that many girls can not be trusted with the birth control responsibility. This girl could even be the type to want to get pregnant to snag tie a guy (with a wallet) closer to her.

 
Old 07-22-2004, 02:59 PM   #4
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Re: Mom's time to let go

HIS NAME IS ON THE LEASE...AS THE SOLE LEASEE...HE IS TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE. I AGREE WITH YOU 100% ON ALL ACCOUNTS. HIS DAD AND I HAVE EXPRESSED OUR COCNERNS ABOUT HER GETTING PREGNANT AND HE REASSURES US SHE IS ON THE PILL...HE WATCHES HER TAKE...YEAH RIGHT...THAT IS SCARY BECAUSE SHE IS THE TYPE TO GET PREGNANT AND WANT SUPPORT.....HE IS NOT MATURE AT ALL....HE'S SPOILED ROTTEN (MY FAULT) BUT I DO FEEL THIS IS A TRUE LEARNING EXPERIENCE FOR HIM. RENT IS DUE SOON AND WE'LL SEE IF HE COMES UP WITH MONEY FROM HER. SHE SAID (AND HE SAID) SHE STARTED A JOB THIS WEEK...WHICH HE SUPPOSEDLY TAKES HER TO. HAS THE SAME HOURS AS HIS...AND GETS PAID EVERY WEEK. WE'LL SEE.......IS PROBLEM NOT MINE. THEY HAVE A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT...AND PAY $465 A MONTH, PLUS ELECTRIC AND GAS. WE (HIS FATHER AND i) DON'T EXPECT HIM TO MAKE IT TOO LONG, ALTHOUGH WE WANT HIM TOO...JUST NOT WITH HER....SO, THANKS FOR YOUR REPLIES.....I NEED SOME ENCOURAGEMENT.......

 
Old 07-28-2004, 09:51 AM   #5
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Re: Mom's time to let go

Flintrock,
Sometimes some of the best lessons learned come from the biggest mistakes made. I know it's hard to let go and you want to protect your son from all the bad things in this world, but you won't do him any good if you "fix" things for him all the time.
I remember when I was growing up my mother didn't approve of alot of the things I did, but she always was there for me and sometimes there to pick up the pieces. She never once said "I told you so".
Let him know your feelings and let him go. Just believe in the fact that you raised him with good values and though mistakes will be made, hopefully he will learn from them.
I wish more mother's were like you. It sounds like you are a very caring and loving mom!

 
Old 08-01-2004, 06:05 PM   #6
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Re: Mom's time to let go

I know that this is crude to think about when talking about the child that you raised, but, I just heard that the Pill is only 98% effective. Teens think this is great but if you put it in perspective that 2 out of 100 women get pregnant even when using the pill properly, it is no small risk if you are totally unprepared to be a father. Also, and this is the gross part that you don't want to visualize, if these young adults are frequently having sex, their odds will probably be higher than the average Pill-user. Then there are the STDs... He better be using a condom even if it is limited protection.
Terry

 
Old 08-18-2004, 10:00 AM   #7
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Re: Mom's time to let go

Flintrock,
I know you don't want to hear this but I am sure you already know it in your heart. Nothing you say to your son is going to make him do what you know is best, or want him to do. He will learn from his own mistakes as we all do. Dont try and discourage him to much he will just want it more. Sounds to me like she is the type of girl who would just not take her pills on purpose to trap him or something. Your son must be a caring guy or he wouldn't be trying to take care of her in the first place. Also just remember how you raised him to be, and trust that though he might make mistakes he will live, learn, and grow into the man you want him to be. I am sure just from what you have said he will. Try and remember the values you have enstilled in him, and know that he like you will be at some point strong enough to let go.

I am 25, married for six years, and have a daughter that will be 2 in September. I have spent every moment with her. We were just recently able to let her stay the night with her aunt, and cousins. I just can't let go myself. She sleeps with me also. I have gotten grilled from everyone all about that too. The way I see it is she is safe, and feels comforted so why shouldn't it be okay. Maybe you can give me some advice on letting go.

 
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