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Old 07-26-2004, 08:20 AM   #1
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A'm i mean,or just that i care?

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 8 yrs. I've helped raise her duaghter since she was 6,now she'll be 14 in sep. I believe we give her way to much freedom,and her mother agrees. She does great in school,and is well liked by the other kids.She thinks its normal for her to spend the night at a friends every weekend!I told her that is comming to an end.So after a few weeks,we let her spend the night at a friends,and when she called last night,her mother was out,so i said,make sure you call back at 9:30! Well,she didn't,and when i talked to her this morning,she said she forgot! I told her this is the last straw! Everytime she goes to a friends[even to visit] i tell her to call,and quite a few times,she always says"i'm sorry,i forgot! I simply told her,thats not good enough anymore,your computer privliges are taking away for a while,she said very snotty,well i'm calling my father to see if i can spend the night! I said,"you know what,your grounded! Her father only lives 5 min. away,and she never wants to spend the night there,never! Everytime she does something thats wrong,its never her fault! I mean every single thing! I gave her a beutiful ring,i asked were it is,she said,i had it in my friends book bag and it got stolen,it wasn't my fault! She comes home from a friends 20 min. late,there clocks arn't the same,it wasn't my fault! The other day,it was thundering and lightning out,she wanted to go bike riding! Of coarse i said no,but the thing that gets me,is ,she actually expected us to say yes! and when we said no,she was suprised! She is NOT resposable at all! I don't know how many times during school,she would,at the last minute,say,i need $20 for a school project,i would say,when is it due,she says,tomarrow! I would say,why didn't you tell us a couple days ago? I FORGOT! I mean with everything,she keeps saying I FORGOT!

 
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Old 07-26-2004, 08:27 AM   #2
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

Hello, No, you're not too cruel. It sounds like you're talking about a teenager, but your talking about an 8 year old????? She needs to know those school assignments take top priority. She needs her notebook/assignment pad checked every night, since she can't remember. She's not 80 years old, so she has to be trained how to remember. You really can't let kids have too much freedom without any guidance, or they will get into trouble. To discipline is to love. The staying over at a friend's house would be ok, if there are no school projects. What's wrong with having the friends stay at her house occationally, so you can see what they are like?
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Old 07-26-2004, 09:28 AM   #3
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

Everytime she stays at a friends,the following night,the friend stays at our house,the girl is never happy![satisfied] I'll tell her,don't ask for a while to spend the night,well,it never fails! The very next night,she will ask,she even thinks if she has her friends mother call,that we'd give in! She doesn't appriecaite a thing![excuse my spelling]She's 13 now.She doesn't get into any trouble,or drugs,or anything like that,she thinks because she did good in school,she should be able to do anything she wants[so it seems]She has yet to say"your not my real father" Some very wise words my mother once said-
"anyone can be a father! It takes a lot to be a daddy"!

 
Old 07-26-2004, 09:37 AM   #4
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

Don't hate me for this, but shouldn't her mother be more involved? It sounds as if your doing all the talking. Maybe her real father also needs to be involved with all of this as well. I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but you're not even her step father. I wouldn't listen to my mother's boyfriend either.

 
Old 07-26-2004, 09:54 AM   #5
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

my stepson does the exact same thing plays dumb which i know he is not and he is about the same age. although he does listen to everything i say ive made sure he cant use lame excuses on me by standing in front of him looking in his eye and getting him to repeat anything that id know he could make excuses for ( ex: if i am 10 mins late i am grounded for 3 days or my chores are blanh blah) then that way i know he has heard me and there are no excuses. he thinks im dumb but when we do it this way it creates a lot less frustration on both our parts you may want to try it it cant hurt.

 
Old 07-26-2004, 12:53 PM   #6
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

Susie-Ive been there for her half her life! I've fed her clothed her,evrything her father should be doing,I go to all her activities at school,vollyball,baseball,band! Her father is lucky if he's been to two in the last 3 yrs. I help her with homework,give her advise like any father would,in my house,there are rules susie,that i very well expect to be followed! She even said that i'm more of a father to her than her biological father.But when it comes time to pay the price for disobeying the rules of our house,i'm also there! So for you to say she shouldn't listen to her mothers boyfriend,you sound like a spoiled brat!

 
Old 07-26-2004, 01:12 PM   #7
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

Dear Mad-
I don't think that Susie was insinuating that she not listen to you or your rules, I think what she meant was- does her mother back you up in these decisions and is she involved at any level of the disciplining that goes on with your daughter?

This is typical teenage behavior, unfortunately- I have 2 teenage girls who both think that they should be able to spend all of thier free time as they see fit- WRONG.

You just have to remain firm- take away the phone, the computer and the overnight priveleges until the attitude changes- once she has to sit in her room with nothing but a book for a few weeks her attitude will change- she is testing you- and its working. Just stay firm on your decisions and the next time she is unappreciative, take away something else- its all up to HER, she can either follow the RULES and be able to have a social life- or she can continue to be a brat and sit at home. It will sink in after a while.

Hang in there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by madhatter
Susie-Ive been there for her half her life! I've fed her clothed her,evrything her father should be doing,I go to all her activities at school,vollyball,baseball,band! Her father is lucky if he's been to two in the last 3 yrs. I help her with homework,give her advise like any father would,in my house,there are rules susie,that i very well expect to be followed! She even said that i'm more of a father to her than her biological father.But when it comes time to pay the price for disobeying the rules of our house,i'm also there! So for you to say she shouldn't listen to her mothers boyfriend,you sound like a spoiled brat!

 
Old 07-26-2004, 01:30 PM   #8
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

Your right! Her mother is very involved. But it is our fault we give in! For example,we take the computer away for a week,and let her on in 3 days.But i've told her,things are going to change around her!

 
Old 07-26-2004, 01:33 PM   #9
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

Clear out her room- leave the bed, dresser, and books- no TV, Radio, Etc- and dont put it back in there until she has proven her behavior will improve. Stick to your guns on this one- or you will be in a load of trouble down the road.

 
Old 07-26-2004, 03:36 PM   #10
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

maak my mom did that stuff to me and its not going to work!! i think its a bit silly really and when i was a teen it did nothing but make me think my mom was a moron and i defied her more! i make my kids accountable for all their actions something this guy needs to do by sticking to the punishment.

 
Old 07-26-2004, 10:55 PM   #11
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

My best advice is to take a step back and try to see where she is coming from. We live in a society where a persons word means very little. Years ago this girl went through the pain of being a child caught in the middle of a divorce. She doesnt sound very close to her dad so that is probably rejection to her. You may have been in her life for a long time but right now, it is only your word keeping you there. I know it is only someones word when you are married but the feelings and implications are much stronger. The idea of comittment to a child is much stronger. I can't see her showing much respect at her age given the situation.

Then you have to add that she is just at a horrible age. Teenagers are much harder to take care of than little kids because they are just one emotional battle after another.

If it were me, I would take a step back in the situation for two reasons. The girl may not see you as the father figure you believe yourself to be. Secondly, her mother is better able to understand where she is emotionally as she goes through puberty and such. I would try to be positive, supportive of her mother, etc but I would take a break for awhile and see if the situation calms down. Good luck
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Old 07-27-2004, 05:37 AM   #12
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

When she came home yesterday,she said,'i'm sorry for the way i've been acting,and i love you very much," i told her"i love you too! but your still not going on the computer!" She said "yes,i know" and proceeded to tell me how her day went. I've told her a while back[the talk] i said 'i'm not your biological father,but i love you like you were my own,i'm not trying to take your fathers place,or nothing like that,but i will be there for you,for what ever you need,through good and bad,you can talk to me about anything you want," then i told her,the reason why i get upset when you don't call,or your not home on time,is becuase i love you so much,and i worry! If i didn't love you,i said i wouldn't care what you did. We must be doing something right,she's not into drugs,or anything like that,her name was just in the paper for graduating on the honor roll in the 8th grade.We bring her up not to be predudest,she has many friends,black,white,chinese etc. There all welcome in our home,i just want the best for her,and i want her to treat peaple as how she would want to be treated.

 
Old 07-27-2004, 05:45 AM   #13
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

Very good! See, she knows- they all do deep down, its a difficult age, I am glad you had that conversation- Stick to your guns though- its the only thing that works!

 
Old 07-27-2004, 09:53 AM   #14
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Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

Quote:
Originally Posted by madhatter
Susie-Ive been there for her half her life! I've fed her clothed her,evrything her father should be doing,I go to all her activities at school,vollyball,baseball,band! Her father is lucky if he's been to two in the last 3 yrs. I help her with homework,give her advise like any father would,in my house,there are rules susie,that i very well expect to be followed! She even said that i'm more of a father to her than her biological father.But when it comes time to pay the price for disobeying the rules of our house,i'm also there! So for you to say she shouldn't listen to her mothers boyfriend,you sound like a spoiled brat!
Then marry her mother! What are you doing with a woman for 8 years that you can't make a commitment to, and yet you want to boss her daughter around? You're the one acting immature. Be a man and marry the woman. Besides, what kind of example are you setting for this child? Living with her mother, but yet you won't marry her! And I lived with a step-father, but at least he married my mother and you know what??? I LISTENED TO HIM!

 
Old 07-27-2004, 10:40 PM   #15
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Wink Re: A'm i mean,or just that i care?

First of all I would like to say that I don't believe that Madhatter needs to marry his significant other for this girl to listen to him. He stated that she has not yet said "you are not my father". And it was also mentioned in one of his replies that the girl said "that she was closer to him then her own father". My mom and step-dad got together when I was 6 years old. They got married when I was 10. They divorced when I was 15. When I was 15 1/2 they got back together and have been together since. I think sometimes when people are married it sometimes leads to more stress. But whenever they did split up my stap-dad was still always there for us kids. They weren't married and he had no obligations to us what so ever but because he was my dad he still was there to give us support (even when him and my mom weren't talking at one time). He bought all of my school clothes and supply because that's what he had always done. When I needed to go to the doctor he was right there paying for it. My mom got really sick and didn't have insurance. That's when he realized the reason for there divorce was stupid and he was there for my mom the whole time. He payed for all of her medical bills. (My mom & step-dad got a divorce because he found out that she was making more money then him for the first time since they were together and I guess it hurt his pride.) Because he was raised in a manner that the husband is suppose to take care of his family. My moms pay checks where pretty much just to pay a phone bill or go out to eat. Just measly little thing for the first 8 years they were together. But then when she started the other job she made more then him. She never told him what she made. He just happened to see one of her pay-stubs on the seat oneday when she picked him up from work. Anyway! My point is this man had not been a father to this girl but a dad. Any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy. Mad I'd like to make a few suggestions to you. I know where you are coming from when you say you worry about your girl. If you didn't worry about her then you wouldn't be human. Take a walk with you daughter one day to her friends house. Have a stop watch and see how long it takes to get there. Then sit down with her when she gets home and say" OK now I know how long it takes you to get to your friends house. I will give you that amount of time plus 5 minutes to call me and say "OK I've made it here safely". And if for some reason someone is already on the phone when she gets there then have her mother call me as soon as possible and explain that someone was on the phone at the time that's why she didn't call right away." If she doen't do this and tell you that she forgot then let her know that this time was her warning and the next time she forget then she won't be allowed to go to her friends house the next time she ask. Let her know that your not trying to baby her you love her and you just worry about her because the world we live in today isn't like it used to be.That should also go for whenever she is leaving her friends house too. Make sure she knows she has to call you. I do this with my son. He's only 9 but its important to set the rules dawn and stick to them. Make sure its a realistic rule. (He only goes right across the street to play. If he goes at 1 then he's to come home at 3. Sometimes I will let him go back but he has to check in with me.) He's told to make sure he tells his mothers friend that hes suppose to be home at a certain time. If he comes home 30 minutes late then I call and find out if he told her what time he was to be home. If she tells me no then I let her know that he will not be able to play the next day because he didn't follow the rules. He's getting really good at telling her now. When she gets busy and sometimes loses track of time she will call me and let me know yes Cameron told her what time to be home but she got busy making dinner and lost track of time. There is no punishment for this because he did what he was told to do.) When you tell her no computer for whatever reason like not doing chours say ok well you didn't do your chours so now you can't get on the computer for 3 days. Or when you ground her for whatever reason stick to it. I've had to learn the hard way. I would tell my son no t.v. for 3 days but he would be really good for the first day and a half so I was like OK well since you were good you can watch t.v. Wrong!!! Because I was always giving in he knew that I would and would act the way he was suppose to so that I would give in to him. Just like grown ups have concequences for there actions kids should too.There no more getting over on mom anymore. I think you are doing a very good job at being this girls dad. The world would probably be alot better if there where more guys like yourself. I have to 3 children. My husband is only biologically the father of our youngest who is 2 1/2. We have been together since my oldest was almost 4 and my middle son was 8 months. They love their dad very much. My oldest know that his daddy is his daddy but not his father. My husband tells everyone that he has 3 kids 2 boys and 1 girl. Of course she gets away with a little more because she's only 2. But when shes old enough to fully understand she would follow the same rules as the boys and I will be on her like I am on them. I just want to wish you the best of luck with your girl. And I hope I was of some assistances to you.

Last edited by edaisy80; 07-27-2004 at 10:57 PM. Reason: mis spelled words

 
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