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Old 07-26-2004, 12:49 PM   #1
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Question Daughter, Stepdaughter and friends

I have a dilemma I don't quite know how to handle. I have a daughter,12 and also a stepdaughter, 12. Problem is this: are they supposed to share friends, or should they be allowed to have their own friends??I spoke to my therapist about this and he said they should be allowed to have seperate friends as they are 2 very different girls. Now it gets tricky, when my biodaughter is at dads house the stepdaughter contacts the biodaughters friend and finagles her way into getting an invite to her house. Then SD screams at me when I tell her not to do stuff like that, I told her to take BD friends name off her instant message list and she screamed at me that she hates this house and stormed away before I could even finish talking. SD has a best friend I am constantly telling her to invite over, she doesn't. She just sits at the computer all day or in front of the television. This friend of BD has told me she has been friends with BD before SD and BD and the friend are 2 peas in a pod, they are more like boys than girls, SD is very girlie, likes to do her nails, and talk about boys while BD likes 4 wheelers, playing ball, that sort of thing. I make sure when they have a friend over they are nice and polite to the other sibling but I am being made to feel I should have my daughter give up her friend to her stepsister. My husband cannot get his head out of the sand long enough to deal with his daughter and I just do not know what to do. Thank you so much for all your help on these boards, its like a home away from home to me

 
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Old 07-26-2004, 01:04 PM   #2
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Re: Daughter, Stepdaughter and friends

Unfortunately- you need to stay out of this one and let them work it out. Why can't they have their own friends and share friends- that is what my BD and SD do- they have their own friends yet also have friends that they both like to "hang out" with. I think the "mutual" friend in question should be able to have a friend in both girls, and as long as no one is a bad influence on the other then let them work it out.


Quote:
Originally Posted by tooolgrl
I have a dilemma I don't quite know how to handle. I have a daughter,12 and also a stepdaughter, 12. Problem is this: are they supposed to share friends, or should they be allowed to have their own friends??I spoke to my therapist about this and he said they should be allowed to have seperate friends as they are 2 very different girls. Now it gets tricky, when my biodaughter is at dads house the stepdaughter contacts the biodaughters friend and finagles her way into getting an invite to her house. Then SD screams at me when I tell her not to do stuff like that, I told her to take BD friends name off her instant message list and she screamed at me that she hates this house and stormed away before I could even finish talking. SD has a best friend I am constantly telling her to invite over, she doesn't. She just sits at the computer all day or in front of the television. This friend of BD has told me she has been friends with BD before SD and BD and the friend are 2 peas in a pod, they are more like boys than girls, SD is very girlie, likes to do her nails, and talk about boys while BD likes 4 wheelers, playing ball, that sort of thing. I make sure when they have a friend over they are nice and polite to the other sibling but I am being made to feel I should have my daughter give up her friend to her stepsister. My husband cannot get his head out of the sand long enough to deal with his daughter and I just do not know what to do. Thank you so much for all your help on these boards, its like a home away from home to me

 
Old 07-26-2004, 01:22 PM   #3
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Re: Daughter, Stepdaughter and friends

I have tried to stay out of it, however the problem comes when the girl(the friend) is at her dads on wednesdays and every other weekend and is only allowed to have one friend over, she calls my BD. And on top of that the friends brother is best friends with my SS. So they both usually go there together. I feel bad for SD so I usually take her out to lunch or do something together so she feels ok. But on the other hand SD has had trips to disney with her grandparents, 2 weeks at a rich uncles house being doted on, my daughter gets none of that. The only thing my daughter got out of the deal was a brother and sister to share mom with. And she is harboring some anger now towards stepsister, I just don;t know how to handle this one. If the friend has to choose she will choose my daughter, she has told me that. They are so different that they have different friends, but when BD friend is here I make sure they are not rude or unfeeling towards her, but she usually is on the computer all the time anyway. But that is the rule if they are going to have friends over, they have to be kind to the sibling who doesn't have a guest over. I just want to be fair to everybody.

 
Old 07-26-2004, 01:30 PM   #4
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Re: Daughter, Stepdaughter and friends

Sounds like to me then that you are experiencing some sibling rivalry- and that is normal, why not encourage SD to make other friends? Get her involved in a sport or a club that interests here where she can meet new people and make new friends. I know where you are with this b/c I have experienced it myself. They will also play on your emotions for your affection- there comes a time where you just kind of have to back away from it all and let them hammer it out. Maybe you should make time for your daughter and take her to lunch by herself every now and then too- this will alleviate some of the animosity.

 
Old 07-26-2004, 01:55 PM   #5
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Re: Daughter, Stepdaughter and friends

most definitely there is a jealousy factor, I had a bad habit of putting BD on the back burner so to speak when I first became step mom as these kids needed a mother more than my own daughter or so I thought. It took my oldest daughter to open my eyes to what I was doing to my girl. I still do it to some degree, make my BD do more chores, the harder chores like 3 bathrooms, kind of like a reverse cinderella, but I have gotten better with that issue. SD will do chores wrong way so I will take them away from her, but I don't do that anymore, I make sure I show her how to get it right, that way it doesn't get delegated to BD, as it used to. SD has a ton of friends, she just would rather sit in front of computer than be proactive, I tell her all the time to call a friend, have a friend over, I am more than willing to drive back and forth, I see it as she won't be happy til she gets her way on this one and takes BD friend from her, the temper tantrum she threw was way more than was necessary, especially for a 12 year old. And if hubby doesn't get involved here with her soon I am going to be the one with the temper tantrum-LOL

 
Old 07-27-2004, 05:51 AM   #6
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Re: Daughter, Stepdaughter and friends

I did this same thing for a while- then I realized what I was doing and corrected it before it got out of hand. I had to get DH involved and we had a "family meeting" to get it corrected- everyone is expected to pull their own weight with chores and SD had to realize that the world did not revolve around her social life and we were not putting everyone else on the backburner to accomodate her. The girls get along great now but SD is 2 years older than BD- so that helps a little- now SS and BS are the same age- and they have more of a rivalry for attention. We put a stomp on that too a few weeks ago- it has gotten much better. Sounds like maybe you need to have a family meeting too, before it gets too out of hand, cause it will start causing problems between you and DH if you don't.

 
Old 07-27-2004, 10:33 AM   #7
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Re: Daughter, Stepdaughter and friends

Well I am backing right out of the girls and their friends situation, I feel if this friend of BD wants to see SD when BD is at her dads then let it happen, the only thing is that when BD is home this "friend" will call for BD and not SD. You see somebody is always going to get hurt here, and it puts the friend in an awkward position as my daughter doesn't like her stepsister anymore. I cannot force them to be friends but if they have mutual friends some kind of compromise must be made. I am at the point where I am not going to allow them to bring friends here when they are both home because it causes friction. As far as chores go, all kids have set chores they have to do, SD has the least because she manages to mess the job up and I end up taking it away from her, she is no dummy this girl. My husband and I are in for trouble with this one and he really doesn't seem to want to deal with her at all. He tells me "thats why I married you". That is the most frustrating thing in the world to me. But thanks for your insight.

 
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