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Old 08-02-2004, 02:36 PM   #1
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Spanking-good or bad?

Hi everyone. I am not going to be spanking my son anytime soon (he is only 6 months old) but I was wondering what you do for discipline when the time comes. My parents used to spank me and whip me with the belt. I believe the whipping part is child abuse especially cuz it left whelts on my legs. But it did work as far as me behaving. I don't have the heart to whip with the belt but anyways what about spanking? Does this method work for anyone? I have some inlaws that do the time-out thing but it doesn't work. Their kids just disobey all the time and I wonder if it is because they have never recieved a good lickin lol. I think spanking mostly scares the kid but not really hurts them so is that ok? Hitting to hard where you leave red skin or bruises is extreme and not what I agree with. Since I am a new parent tell me what you do in your house for behavior issues.

 
Old 08-02-2004, 11:17 PM   #2
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

This is a totally individual decision. I believe in spanking and I believe in spankings that hurt. I do not leave bruises and have many reasons why I believe in spanking but any of them will only lead to further debate.

Spankings do not work for every child just like groundings don't work for every child. Being a parent in one long experiment. You learn what works with your child and use it as often as needed.

As a spanker, my point is NEVER to scare them. It is to give them a negative consequence to a serious infraction. Time outs work for little things as does going to their rooms to think about it. Good luck with whatever you decide
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Old 08-03-2004, 04:17 AM   #3
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

This subject has caused heated dispute in the past so I'll try to tread lightly. I do not spank but I do think that it ends undersirable behavior quickly in most kids. If it doesn't, then you need to bring the child to a child psychologist rather than increase the spanking.

I personally feel that spanking models hitting and I am also concerned about pairing love and physical pain. The second point is that I never want my girls to stick with abuse as adults because they "love someone."

We use time-out, natural consequences, positive reinforcement (praise, treasure box). Sometimes just telling a child that you are very disappointed in them will hit home at certain ages when the desire to please the parent is strong.

This is just my humble opinion and not a challenge to those that chose spanking.

Terry

Last edited by TerryB; 08-03-2004 at 03:49 PM.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 02:22 PM   #4
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

I am not a parent so maybe my opinion is not as valid. However, as a child both my sister and I were spanked. We are both in our 20's now and my sister is married and I am in a long relationship. Neither of us grew up thinking abuse is ok out of love at all. I would never abuse anyone and I know my sister wouldn't stand for it either. Making the comment that spanking leads to the belief that abuse is ok is wrong. I think it makes one believe that when you do something wrong, there are consequences. These days more and more parents do not believe in spanking and children have gotten much more violent, even since I was in school. Thus the facts don't really support your statement. In my opinion spanking is fine, only with your hand on their bum, not on the head or anything like that. Certainly not with any objects.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 04:02 PM   #5
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

As I said, I am not attacking any individual, yourself and sister included. This is my decision and the reasons based on my own personal research. I too was spanked as a child and I am not warped. Everyone is an individual and is affected differently by environmental experiences. There was a similar thread regarding this spanking issue and some links to research (not individual testimonials) regarding populations as a whole. It wasn't my post but it might be interesting to try to find that thread if it wasn't purged. Personally, I am beyond having my mind changed and I respect those that chose to spank after doing their own careful research. I am obviously not trying to ruffle any feathers so please don't continue to read anything personally insulting into my post. [removed] Respectfully,
Terry

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 08-04-2004 at 05:50 AM. Reason: Do not discuss moderators actions on this board. Thank you.

 
Old 08-03-2004, 04:15 PM   #6
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

I have 3 children and I tried the "time out" thing with all of them it didnt work so yes I spank my children I do not leave bruises on them and I never spank them if I am mad it is to easy to get out of control if you are mad in my opinion anyways.
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Old 08-03-2004, 06:57 PM   #7
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

Well I have 3 boys 2 are babies and one is 8 my oldest got spanking when he was younger and I found it did NO good with him. It just made him worse. now I take things away from him or wont let him play outside. its eaiser when they are older. as for my 1 & 2 year olds. Every now and then my 2 yr old gets a tap on the butt lightly just enough to let him know to stop it usually works.I agree about leaving marks Its wrong in my opinion and easy to get carried away that way. congrats. on your new little one !

 
Old 08-03-2004, 11:21 PM   #8
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

I think it depends on the child... It also depends on what each person defines as a spanking... If the spanking is to teach a child and not hurt the child and it in no way is out of your own anger, but to stop an unwanted act then I say it is alright...
Most CPS will say that an open hand across the covered bottom no more than 3 times is an acceptable spanking...
When my children would misbehave beyond time outs then I would offer a spanking. If the child is in a situation that could harm them, I think a spanking is okay. It can teach them fast not to go near or do again...
I also think that time outs ( for minor issues) should be used... A spanking should only be last resort, not out of anger and only if child is in danger...
Also, it is believed that if a child doesn't know "certain" right from wrongs (maybe knows but doesn't follow) by the age of 6, you may need to find a plan that works for that child and possibably seek help (and I am not refering to normal child behavior or mistakes)
My daughter is now 6... She knows right from wrong, the rules of the house etc. She no longer gets a spanking. She gets grounded.
My son is 10 and has not had a spanking for several years...
I spanked them both when they were little, they love me and respect me and do NOT fear me...
Now if either of them brake a rule ( and I know they know them) then grounding or priveledges taking away always work...

One thing I did for my son (at the time 9) is I took ALL toys OUT of his room and he earned one thing back each week... Now THAT taught a 9 year old his lesson that a spanking would not have for the situation we were in...(new phase, testing waters, talking rude and talking back) His attiude lasted all of 1 week... A year later, NO problems...
Like I said though... Depends on the child... There are some child that don't respond to a spanking but will to time outs (even at a young age) and some children who won't respond to anything.

Most of all remember, show lots of love and phrase when they do GOOD and when you have to get onto them for the BAD they will automaticly KNOW and LISTEN...
If you are always on a child and they never hear the positive then that is when parents have a problem...

 
Old 08-04-2004, 01:53 AM   #9
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

Hey there
I am not a parent yet, but my parents did believe in spanking, on the odd time they have actually had to do it. But my mother never did it when she was angry or disappionted (by our actions that cased it), she always waited to cool off and always explained why she did it afterwards. As a little kid, I didnt appreciate it, but looking back I realize that even in punishment she was showing me repect. And the actual act itself, never hurt, it was more a humiliation tactic in front of the other siblings I think. I think that as long as you dont do it out of anger and always explain why you did it, there is nothing wrong with it.

and just on the time out issue, if it works for you children great, but my neighbours son, Pj, thats how they raised him and well, he just started grade 9 this year and he has already had two court appearants, he hits his mother and I can hear the swearing matches from my bedroom.

But I think that love, explanation and appropriate punishments for the crime be factored in to what parents use. I mean my parents did use time outs as well it was not strictly spanking.

ciao
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Old 08-04-2004, 06:11 PM   #10
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

All i know,back when i was a kid in school,when they let the teachers paddle the kids,back then,you hardly seen kids disrespect others as much as you do now a days.Did you know,if you were in say the supermarket,and your kid got out of line,and you gave him a swat on the butt,someone can turn you in for child abuse! Its rediculous! The way laws are now a days

 
Old 08-05-2004, 04:50 AM   #11
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

Many of you make me think of something important. If your aren't going to spank you really need to do your homework so that you are not giving up discipline all together. Most of us learn a great deal about parenting from our own parents and if they used spanking then you might not know any alternative. Even though I do not spank, I'd rather see a child spanked occasionally than have no discipline at all. I'm fortunate to be associated with many teachers, psychologists and physicians so I have gathered a lot of information. I also read Parent magazine when my kids were under 5 and it is great for discipline and young children. Two books that I have heard of are: "123 Magic" and "Back Talk" I'll probably buy them myself. It's really important to be a firm but fair disciplinarian. There is a lot to parenting but here are some of my "pearls of parenting": Be consistent (don't let a bad behavior slip by one time and not the next.) Don't bother with warnings generally (they learn to use up their warnings before stopping a behavior.) Be a good role model. Expose them to good role models. Severely limit commercial TV, give SPECIFIC praise every day (like "I like the way you remembered your manners.") Teach them manners and respect and people will love them. Work on one tough behavior at a time with a positive-reinforcement system (we've used sticker charts and earning ticket to purchase something like a new video, playdate, treasure box toy, special bath, hike in the woods etc...) Give them exposure to multiple peer groups so they are always having some success somewhere. Start reading with them as soon as possible starting with chunky picture books. Find out what they really enjoy and let them pursue it and become good at it (self-respect.) Give frequent hugs. A child that has no self-confidence or self-respect will more likely get into trouble throughout life.

So, I guess you can say that parenting goes beyond time-out and loss of priviledges. And, parenting is not innate. It is learned. It should be taught in school. in your research never believe everything that you read. Check multiple sources and see what makes the most sense.
Terry

Last edited by TerryB; 08-05-2004 at 04:50 AM.

 
Old 08-05-2004, 07:22 AM   #12
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

I am a mother of 2 that are now ages 10 & 12. I personally don't believe spanking provides anything constructive. However, both of my siblings spank their children. I can't possibly tell you how many times I have seen a parent or heard of a parent spanking a child for hitting someone. How can you teach a child not to hit when you yourself hit. I use to put my children in time out, but never in a corner. I have been very fortunate with my kids and have always talked to them. They know what is acceptable behavior in our home and in society. Some of things that a child does when they are small isn't really anything that requires punishment, yes, it might upset you, but think before you react. Some of things that upset a parent of young children really aren't that big of an issue. Listen to how many times you hear a parent relay stories when that child is older. The same things that made the parent want to spank then they are laughing about now. I truly believe that some of the reasons children won't talk to there parents when they get older is because they are afraid of the reaction of the parent. I know that's exactly how I was. After I got older I had no problem telling my parents exactly how I felt when I was a child and got spanked. In fact, there are still problems between my father and myself.
Lastly, I agree that everyone has the right to disagree on this issue but it's more important to just love, respect, and talk to your child. These are things that will make them grow into a healthy adult.

 
Old 08-05-2004, 07:44 AM   #13
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letfayhol HB User
Re: Spanking-good or bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CDASH
I am a mother of 2 that are now ages 10 & 12. I personally don't believe spanking provides anything constructive. However, both of my siblings spank their children. I can't possibly tell you how many times I have seen a parent or heard of a parent spanking a child for hitting someone. How can you teach a child not to hit when you yourself hit.
I agree that everyone has the right to disagree on this issue but it's more important to just love, respect, and talk to your child. These are things that will make them grow into a healthy adult.
I'm glad that you agree that everyone will (can) disagree on this subject...
I believe that it is personal choice and it depends on the child...
If you read my previous post... I spanked when mine were little, but now I don't have to... The most IMPORTANT thing (we agree on this) is love and respect your children NO MATTER what form of disipline you use...
If you love them and respect them then nothing you do will be ABUSIVE.
My children (even when I did spank) knew they were loved and respected, the are praised daily for their good deeds and they are disiplined for their errors...
I have had NO, NONE, ZIP problems with sassing, hitting, rebellion etc.
Wherever they go I get good reports from teachers, sunday school, friends parents etc...
HOWEVER, people can make the mistake of NOT doing enough too...
My sister doesn't spank or do much of anything else... Her kids are divided (2 older and 2 younger) She will say "stop that" "DO you want time out" etc but never follows through...
Well, she has 2 high school drop outs, one with a MAJOR jail record, and they lack respect for her (call her B**** etc)
The 2 younger ones are messed up too... The 9 year old rips heads off Barbies, brakes all other toys, run wild etc. The 13 yr old lies and bossy to everyone and can't keep friends...

So I guess what I am saying is... Yes, I did spank when mine where younger, and if I could go back and do it over again...I would...
Whatever form of disipline, it must be done out of love and not anger... It should be to teach and not punish...

 
Old 08-05-2004, 08:06 PM   #14
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CDASH HB User
Re: Spanking-good or bad?

Hi again. I read the posting left in response to my earlier one. Let me add that I have never had a reason to spank my children. Everyone that has ever had the opportunity to be around them is absolutely amazed at what great children they are. I have never had a problem with them no matter where we have gone. My children receive lots of awards in their school, bases not only on their academics but on their citizenship. Both of my children are exeptional and I realize that I have been blessed. I have never had to worry about them striking another child or talking inappropriately to anyone, including both my husband and myself. All I want is for my children to be is happy, healthy and grow up knowing there are alternatives in life, you don't have to follow what some in our society feels is "Okay" in the name of love.

 
Old 08-07-2004, 07:34 AM   #15
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Re: Spanking-good or bad?

I didn't read any of the responses so please forgive me if this has already been said.

This is what works: Your kids must know their boundaries with you. Meaning, what you say, you mean. If your kids are truly misbehaving, you must stand your ground with them. If you don't, and you don't discipline them on a regular basis, then they are going to use this against as they grow, and you don't want to deal with an unruly teen because you messed up when they were younger.

Now, you may say...."I do discipline, but it doesn't work." Maybe you need to find a different solution. I don't support spankings as the primary punishment. I do believe a good swat (one) can be appropriate at the right time. But use that sparingly. For me, taking away toys or priviledges doesn't seem to phase my kids much. But my kids are 8 and 11. But the thing I've always done is stand my ground with them. Of course I've let in a bunch of times, but only if the lesson, or circumstances has been right.

Since my kids are alittle older than some of yours here on the board maybe, the disciplining has gotten easier for me as they have grown. Because they know I don't play around. See, they know that dad is the push over and believe me, when I'm not around they do whatever they want. Then hear it from me later.

My form of punishment now is grounding them. I do take priviledges away at the same time. Plus I have them do extra chores. That's what I do, and it goes along with their age group.

It's not always easy, but one thing you can't ever let your child forget is that you care and love them very much. Always ask them this question when you discipline: "Do you know why I'm disciplining you?" There are those few times that they may truly not know why, so gently explain to them why.

Always remember, kids are kids. They learn by example. We are their first teachers in life, teach them well.

Last edited by alltaken; 08-07-2004 at 07:41 AM.

 
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