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Old 08-06-2004, 03:16 PM   #1
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How stict are you willing to get with lying and stealing?

My 12 year old has a habit of suddenly finding any money that goes missing. She finds it in a matter of minutes which tells me she knows where it is the entire time. What leads me to think these things is situations like the latest.

She has been grounded from money until school starts because she was taking money off of the counter that was mine that I use for work. It wasnt much but it wasnt hers. Through the summer she has been mowing yards and babysitting. When she got grounded, she had $130. We told her that if we caught her with money before school started, the $130 would go to us. I was hoping it would be incentive to be honest and save. She was going to get to go to the mall the weekend before school and buy whatever she wanted with her money.

A few nights ago, she wanted to buy my nephew a birthday present so I gave her the money. She had been honest with us lately so I thought we would start back small. She comes out with a 50 cent glow light and tells me the cashier gave it to her. I saw the receipt and it didnt add up. She kept lying until I finally said I was going to aske the cashier myself. She then confessed. Now, I have to follow through with my word and keep that money. She lost $130 to have a 50 cent glow light for less than 5 minutes!!!

Now I wonder if we are being too strict, I really dont feel we are but am just sad that we even had to follow through with this. I also wonder what we can do to get this to stop. How far are you all willing to go with stealing even if its from you?
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Old 08-06-2004, 04:07 PM   #2
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Re: How stict are you willing to get with lying and stealing?

I had a huge stealing problem. It started when I was 12 and ended when I was 15. At first it wasn't too serious, I was just stealing candy, then I moved up to clothes and shoes, then cell phones, just anything I could steal. I did it because I liked the idea of getting free stuff. The most severe punishment I got was being sent to a sanitarum, I was there for 13 days but it felt like a lifetime. Even that didn't help me. I finally stopped not because I was scared to go back to the crazy house or be put in handcuffs. I didn't even stop for myself I stopped because I saw how sad I was making everybody. Maybe you just need to talk to her about it and make her ralize how much it is upsetting you.

Last edited by Kapera_X; 08-06-2004 at 04:08 PM.

 
Old 08-06-2004, 05:04 PM   #3
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Re: How stict are you willing to get with lying and stealing?

Thank you for your insight. It makes me very sad on so many fronts. That it seems like she has learned nothing about honesty, that she is willing to take something that someone else earned, that she isnt willing to go out and earn things herself. It was pulling teeth to get her to do the jobs to earn the money.

You want to be on top of things but you dont want to be cold and unloving either. It is a constant struggle
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Old 08-07-2004, 02:59 AM   #4
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Re: How stict are you willing to get with lying and stealing?

Does she know why she's taking it? Is it because there is something she wants that she can't have? Or is it more she has a compulsion to steal? I think the first step is to talk to her and see if you get he impression that it is something she feels she has no control over or something that she just needs to be deciplined out of. If you feel that it's more of a compulsion than i would suggest some sort of couciling just to be on the safe side to make sure it doesn't escalate into something more than stealing change of the counter.
When i was younger, about your daughters age i would take things from my grandmother, nothing big, small things, never money though. Untill one day she came over to my house and went into my room and saw all the stuff that was hers there, well, she embarrised me in front of my friends, made sure everybody knew what i had done, needless to say i never did it again.
I don't think you are being strict....stealing is a nasty and dangerous habit to get into, not only is it immortal to take what isn't yours, it's illegal. Talk to her about how wrong it is as much as you possibly can, talk to her about why you took the money, that it wasn't your doing it was hers, she had the power to gain back her money and she lost it. Try not to show feelings of guilt around her, she'l just feed off of that and use it against you. If you feel bad about it just hang on to it for a while and maybe if down the road she shows improvement you can surprise her with it. You need to do something sever so she will get the idea, she needs to realize just how serious this problem is.

 
Old 08-07-2004, 06:21 AM   #5
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Re: How stict are you willing to get with lying and stealing?

I know many friends and family members that quit after being caught. I have 2 cousins that still steal as adults (30 and 40.) No one will have them in their house. I'm not sure if it is obsessive/compulsive disorder in the case of one. Their parents now wish that they had them see a psychologist at the time because they have no control over them now.
Terry

 
Old 08-07-2004, 06:27 AM   #6
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Re: How stict are you willing to get with lying and stealing?

I used to babysitt my 3 cousins every summer and the oldest one summer started getting into stealing from her brother and sister. At first it was little things like candy they had put away.

Then one day, I had taken them to the park and we were gone to get ice cream, and the $10 I had put to the side of my purse for this was missing. I knew it was her, just by the look on her face. So I said to them it looks like no ice cream today. The younger two we're starting to whine, and she says look what I found you must have dropped it! I turned to the lady at the cash, and said did you see me drop that? She replied no but I did see a little girl pull it out of her pocket. The oldest turned so many shades of red and purple! I felt bad for her, but I bought ice cream for the other two, not for her, and we went to the park. She sat by herself the whole time and when we went home she went up to her room and didnt come down till her mother came home. I had told her mother and she went to talk to her. She came back down and apologized, and never had a problem with stealing again. She was 10 when this happened now she is 16 and laughs about it.

I felt so bad for her at the time, but I really think the embarrasment was what stopped her from doing it again.

I don't think your being too strict at all. I have a long way off till I have to deal with such things, for my DD is 6 months, but I know I will not tolorate stealing in anyway way, shape, or form. Maybe if you used the money to by school clothes or something for her. Then she is still getting the money just not aloud to spend it the way she wants? Or put it away for collage if you feel bad for taking it from her?

HTH

Last edited by worried_mommy; 08-07-2004 at 06:29 AM.

 
Old 08-08-2004, 03:57 PM   #7
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Re: How stict are you willing to get with lying and stealing?

By the way,
We are strict about lieing and stealing. My 5 year old is starting to lie. My 8 year old never has. I had a nice long talk with my 5 year old about a week about and she is earning "tickets" for not lieing. She wants to break the habit. She lies about dumb stuff rather than the big stuff. When she has accummulated enought tickets she will be able to purchase something or some privalege (we have a list.)

Stealing has not come up yet but if it does, I will march the child right back to the victim or store and make them take responsibility. Natural consequences.

Terry

Last edited by TerryB; 08-08-2004 at 03:59 PM.

 
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