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Old 08-28-2004, 09:45 PM   #1
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Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

So this is my dilemna, I found a harcore xxx mag stashed in the dropdown ceiling in my 13 yr old son's room. (not snooping, running cable wire)

Here is my problem how do I address 3 things from this situation.

1) Do I allow him to have some form of pornography
2) Finding out how he came about getting the pornography
3) Discussing the reality of pornography

I've always had an open relationship with him, I know he masturbates (at his age which person doesn't). I don't want him growing up not feeling like I am there for him when he has sexuality questions or concerns.

Please no responses on why masturbation is wrong, and how pornography is wrong. I'm not lookin for "punishment" suggestions. Just some help (hopefully from people with personal experiences) on how to make these next few years as mentally painless as possible for him.

Thanks,

Concerned father (who had his own porn collection at 13)

 
Old 08-28-2004, 10:36 PM   #2
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

Well - I'm not a parent, so bare that in mind when reading my post. But, does it stand to reason that if YOU had porn mags at his age, that you should deprive your son of them? Hmm, maybe deprive is the wrong word here, but the point is the same.

Like you said, just about every kid at his age masturbates. I think I'd be kinda worried if my kid wasn't! All it is growing up, and interfering with normal growth patterns can change the man your sons gonna become, usually for the worse.

It doesn't matter where he got the mag from (Sibling got it for him maybe? Friends? Anything). You confronting him about it is only gonna get him off side, embarressed and in a position he's not gonna want to be in.....busted!

If you wanna have the good old "Birds and the Bees" talk with him, and use that as a cover to engage in the issue of masturbating, that could help get this out in the open for him to talk to you about it.

Like I said, I'm no parent. But I am - well, was - a kid, and I know I, my friends, and my siblings, always responded better to ppl who spoke to use in a friendly, same level, fashion. Not a condesending, judgmental, repercussive fashion.

So. Talk to him by all means. But I woulda advise against tellin him u found his "stash" (no amount of "I was laying cables" will smooth over the paranoya). And he will be more responsive if your a friend, not his dad.

GL
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Old 08-29-2004, 05:04 AM   #3
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

I'm not a parent either and I remember having my stash as well. However, I've got an adult stepson and have had a foster son of his age. So I suppose I qualify as a parent. I guess I would go with a question for you. Have you talked with him at all about sex? Masturbation? and what is your relationship with him...open and close or is it strained?

I'd say have the talk, it'll be a good chance to discuss masturbation and all the things that are going on with him in puberty. I'd let him know that you found the book...but stay away from where he got it as that puts him on the defensive. I think it would be appropriate to discuss porn or any concerns you have about it...a XXX at his age may be pretty intense. But you remember being 13 and having all those curious questions, thoughts and desires...its a crazy time. You've got to handle the porn in your house according to your values and what is OK or not. I would make sure he understands that masturbation is totally normal and ok and that there are some boundaries of what is acceptable (where, when etc) You really want to keep the communication open with him during his teen years about sex, so that as he has questions or needs anything (condoms) he can talk with you about it. I'm not sure though that I would provide porn for him. However, making assurances for his privacy and maybe some hand lotion would be a great idea!

 
Old 08-29-2004, 08:28 AM   #4
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

Hi
I'm not a parent either and am single, but I've worked with a lot of people who were parents to teenagers and I thought perhaps some of that info might be of some use to you.
I think you should chat with your son. If he already knows that you are easy to talk to when it comes to sex/growing up, or at least that it is your aim to be, I can't see why you as a parent should have a problem or consider it a point of uneasiness to talk to him in the first place.
One tip I learned from a mother with a teenage son is that with ANYTHING in life, BALANCE is the key. She told us that she always brought that message up now and then with her sons. One day she heard her son repeating it to someone else. She knew that somewhere along the line her input helped and he learned by her counsel.

Depending how you approach the issue with your son depends on how digestable the sex-talk will be. I think you should talk matter-of-factly and --if you have helpful advice--relate back to how things were when u were a kid -- if it's gonna help him. After that you can ask him some questions make the conversation turn into dialogue. Well, it's normal to masturbate (and you might want to re-affirm that), but what you DO with it and how FAR you go is another !! As a female, I suggest that you even mention to him how girls can feel second rate if their partner used porn-- but maybe that's where your wife might step in....she might even just accidentally fall onto the subject while watching a movie at an appropriate scene....?
Whatever your morals are, a kids will most likely be one step lower. If your moral threshold is higher, kids will go lower. Kids experiment. If he does experiment, tell him not to stay there but to make sure it's a passing phase. That kind of tolerance or mentality could prove destructive if he hasn't learnt to use his own discernment yet according to the circumstances at hand (for example what about drugs? It's okay to experiment but don't STAY there?). (By the way, no pun intended -''at hand''.)
Another thing I learnt from Dr Phil, is that you can't always be your son's best friend. Trying to achive the status of being best freinds can compromise your responsibilty of being a mentor and father in some situations. You can't always pat him on the back and laugh when he does something wrong, can you? Another thing I learnt from church -- sometimes love is tough. Sometimes it has a backbone and spine and needs to speak out in order to help or save someone. Not that I'm trying to sound hefty since this post is all about porn and masturbation.... but I thought I'd drop that in to go with the 'overall' thing.
Not sure if I helped, but the bottom line is, your kid knows you love him, so if you're confident of that, he'll grow up knowing he has an awesome father. --Not all kids have that. God knows I didn't !

Regards,

dreamchick

P.S - You'll see who your son turns out to be and what values he is most likely to adopt by the friends he hangs around. Kids need to know that THEY should PICK their friends, not the other way round. I am glad that I knew that when I was a teenager. It saved me from so much trouble - unfortunately my brother didn't 'pick' his crowd.

Last edited by dreamchick; 08-29-2004 at 08:29 AM.

 
Old 08-30-2004, 01:10 AM   #5
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

i think there's a really simple solution to all this.

you confront your son. tell him you found his porno stashed in the ceiling. and then inform him that you're confiscating it and he'll have to find a new one.

then tell him to find a better hiding place.

and be sure to be cool about it thru the whole conversation. you're aware there's nothing to worry about, and that it's normal. so i don't think there should be any real punishment. just confiscate it and joke around briefly, with the find a new dirty magazine and a new hiding place lines.

sound good? heh

 
Old 08-30-2004, 05:13 AM   #6
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

God, just give the kid a break and let him have his porno and be quiet about it.

I'd think the only cause for concern would be if you found he liked men or gay porno mags. Then you might think about talking to him about sexuality and guage what he says...but still do not tell him you found his porn stash.

You'll embarrass the kid for cryin' out loud; it happened to me back when I was in my teens and I never forgot that...and I'm very careful when I'm around my mother about anything sexual.

 
Old 08-30-2004, 05:39 AM   #7
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

You said hardcore. That means different things to different people. To me it means somethimg in the S&M or husler depravity range not a mag like Hugh H's daughter publishs. Some mags are just pictures of nude females, & some people call that hardcore porn, I do not.

If it is just normal nudes, forget it. If it is S&M or cruelity, or depraved then have a talk with him so that he understands that is not the normal way things are done.

Good luck,

 
Old 08-30-2004, 09:24 AM   #8
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

ummm phill he is 13!!! yah like im going to let him have that! give me a break! i do parent my kids and do not think that letting him have a porn mag at 13 is right! it was very detailed and im not talking hustler or playboy!! i was waiting to find and animal in it for Gods sake! i mean come on lets be real here! parenting like that is the reason a lot of kids are out of control these days!! also if a gay mag was found i dont think id need to speak to him any more or less than what i did find as potentially being gay is not a bad thing! its also not my problem if he is embarrassed. he had illegal material which he knows by house rules he is not suppose to have! anyways back to realty...my husband went and got him some maxim mags. hopefully thats better than nothing.also my son doesnt get embarrassed when we speak about sex he is very open and says whats on his mind. the only reason he kept quiet about this was because he knew he wasnt allowed to have it! we are very open about sex and are not prudish parents at all but when you have a kid who is looking at this kind of stuff it cant be ignored.

Last edited by hayley0610; 08-30-2004 at 09:27 AM.

 
Old 08-30-2004, 10:15 AM   #9
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

hello there concerned father!

i don't have a child as of yet, (i'm 24!) but i had 1 older brother, a twin brother (i am the only girl), and 1 younger brother. when my oldest brother was 13, i wasn't really interested in his life, i was 11 and i had my own problems....such as distinguishing myself from my twin. but when i was 17, and my younger brother was 13 - my dad had talked to him about pornography, masterbation - the whole 9 yards. the best way to start conversations like this is with the long-known and cheesy line 'you're growing up, and you're body is changing' talk to him about girls, sex, masterbation, protection, consequences, and don't tell him what to do...that only makes kids more curious and rebellious. my younger brother did come to me and my twin quite a few times, to ask about girls, and sex. i couldnt tell him much about sex and all - i was a virgin till marriage - but we told him that having these feelings is fine and normal, and its all because of hormones. we told him to thinka bout what he does before he does it - that doing something in the heat of the moment may not always seem so smart afterwards. and it is true - we all DID have porno at that age. its pleasurful, new and 'naughty' and thats why kids are attracted to it. just makes sure u dont cross any boundries by prying into his life, and make sure to keep the discussion open. tell him he can come to you for any problems. as for the porno mag - why take away his fun? its like a toy to a 2 year old.

 
Old 08-30-2004, 10:51 AM   #10
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

First off what you are loosing sleep over is normal, HE IS 13,HE IS A BOY,at 13 boys are learning about sex at 13 he is probably has also discovered masturbation.my opinion is leave him alone dont let him know you found the book, you wont stop him from getting another all you will do is cause him embarrisment he will be mad because you were snooping, and he will just have to find a better hiding place for his reading material. When I was 13 I hid my hustler magazine inside of a tree in the woods behind my house. Yes I did what a 13 year old curious boy does and turned out to be a decent guy with a great sex life, didnt turn out to be a perv, as some of the posters you think will happen to your son.If you stop him he will go get another one, those who say its a serious problem dont have a clue about how a 13 year old boys mind works and if you think yours doent work the same he must have a better hiding place for his!

Last edited by nitro_d; 08-30-2004 at 10:54 AM.

 
Old 08-30-2004, 01:13 PM   #11
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

apparently i guess im not really making it clear that the mag we found is VERY raunchy! had it have been a penthouse or whatever i wouldve just rolled my eyes!! i was a kid once that smoked dope, have sex at a young age and looked at porn too! im not an idiot i know about hiding places and such and i know this is normal and we arent losing any sleep at all over this lol what we wanted was input as to how to handle this the right way and not potentially screw up any trust and openness we have developed over the years! but all ive read is let him keep it! thats not really what we were asking! we wouldnt let him keep it if a million people said to..we have already decided that! if this were appropriate for a kid obviously they would sell it in a store! its like saying hey you found weed let him have it ater all its not crack! same thing...its soemthing he isnt suppose to have and we did try to settle this by buying him something more suitable for his age. i dont think people were getting the question that was being asked!!

 
Old 08-30-2004, 02:46 PM   #12
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

Quote:
Originally Posted by hayley0610
apparently i guess im not really making it clear that the mag we found is VERY raunchy! had it have been a penthouse or whatever i wouldve just rolled my eyes!! i was a kid once that smoked dope, have sex at a young age and looked at porn too! im not an idiot i know about hiding places and such and i know this is normal and we arent losing any sleep at all over this lol what we wanted was input as to how to handle this the right way and not potentially screw up any trust and openness we have developed over the years! but all ive read is let him keep it! thats not really what we were asking! we wouldnt let him keep it if a million people said to..we have already decided that! if this were appropriate for a kid obviously they would sell it in a store! its like saying hey you found weed let him have it ater all its not crack! same thing...its soemthing he isnt suppose to have and we did try to settle this by buying him something more suitable for his age. i dont think people were getting the question that was being asked!!
Ok if there is illegal stuff in there and it more than normal sex and nude women then confront him, ask him where he got it and tell him you forbid him to have this stuff in your house and if he gets caught again he will be grounded, as for explaining how you found it be honest after all if he gets mad at you , he is 13 he will get over it. Now that is what I would do.

Last edited by nitro_d; 08-30-2004 at 02:51 PM.

 
Old 08-30-2004, 03:06 PM   #13
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

thanks...no we really werent snooping we believe in giving all our kids privacy my hubby really was running speaker wire throught he ceiling and his son was not upset at all when he found it. he sad he found it in a park where some teens hang out, shoved under a bench...who knows if thats true or not!! but whatever whats done is done. its illegal as in you cant purchase it under 18 and too me thats illegal enough! he got him the new mags and explained to him that because he did something better for him by buying appropriate material he would hope he could get some respect by not bringing the other ones in the house until he is older.

 
Old 08-30-2004, 04:44 PM   #14
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

"Confront" is not such a good approach. You might buy and give him a really First Quality mag, which you can identify, to add to his collection thus letting him know that you are aware of his interests. Maybe this would open lines of communication which are necessary at his age.

 
Old 08-30-2004, 05:12 PM   #15
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Re: Found 13 yr. old son's porno mag...what should I do

Just leave it.

If you speak to your son you'll probably end up embarassing him. Most teenage boys will develop un-realistic expectations of sex and women through television, bill boards, magazines and in fact pretty much everything anyways so don't sweat it too much over the porn.
Plus if you had a porn collection at his age why are you so bothered? you turned out just fine right? It's just part of growing up and if you embarass him now he's more likley not to want to talk to you in the future about sex stuff e.c t so if you do confront him be cool, it's normal and when he realises tha you're not going to be upset if you discover the like of this again then he'll probably feel alot more comfortable around you and appreciate you that bit more.

Last edited by lil_hazel; 08-30-2004 at 05:14 PM.

 
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