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Old 09-04-2004, 11:23 AM   #1
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Help coping with teen

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Last edited by thebigad; 05-08-2007 at 03:05 PM. Reason: Invalid syntax.

 
Old 09-04-2004, 11:29 AM   #2
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Re: Help coping with teen

I havent dealt with this stuff and I'm only a kid but I think you're looking at this from the wrong angle. He isn't doing this to get at you. If he has a bad home life imagine what spacing out on drugs would do for him. It would take him away from all that for a while. He's doing this to help him and its probably hurting him to know he's upsetting you. Chances are, the relationship between you two mean the world to him. Sit down and ask him why he does it then let him talk. don't tell him its hurting you first just ask why and leave it until he says something in reply. then talk through whatever he says and find an alternative. He probably needs your support more than anything at the moment.

 
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Old 09-04-2004, 11:51 AM   #3
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Re: Help coping with teen

Emily 1990, I really like your approach!

Many of us older folks have trouble dealing with these things. I have been reading up on mentoring. There are many suggestions in the books on that subject on how to deal with your own feeling while helping others. The big thing, I think, is to focus on the person you care about and are trying to help. As you work with him and his needs, your own feeling may turn into productive caring.

 
Old 09-04-2004, 12:37 PM   #4
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norat HB User
Re: Help coping with teen.

15 is a tough age. But you sound more like his mom then an older brother/mentor. I think it's going to be difficult to restore your relationship the way you want it because you became just one more authority figure in his life, and you judged/condemned him. Hey, you're only 25 so don't beat yourself up over this. When you found out he tried pot you should have laughed it off and said yea, "I tried it too - but you know what? I'd didn't really help me. etc."

15 year olds do stupid things and they need support not more guilt. He knew it was wrong, he knew it would hurt people, and yet he did it anyway - why? Because he's human and 15. Try to remember the stupid things you did and draw from that resource.

Good Luck.

 
Old 09-04-2004, 12:38 PM   #5
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Re: Help coping with teen

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Old 09-04-2004, 02:13 PM   #6
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Re: Help coping with teen.

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Last edited by thebigad; 05-08-2007 at 03:06 PM. Reason: Invalid syntax

 
Old 09-04-2004, 03:17 PM   #7
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Re: Help coping with teen

You might also try looking at the book, "Boy Talk," by Mary Polce-Lynch. It is helping boys with their motions.

All you can do his try to help. Be careful not to get co-dependent on him. If you get co-dependent, then you will not be able to help others and will do yourself harm as well. It can also prevent you from seeing him objectively.

I am praying for both of you!

 
Old 09-04-2004, 04:15 PM   #8
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Dan25 HB User
Re: Help coping with teen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thebigad
When I found out, I was just floored. It is a big deal for me to keep away from drugs and we had had several conversations on it to where he passionately said he hated drugs and would never try them. Well, when he told me it was a major deal. Got very emotional and we were on the verge of calling the relationship quits.
In a parental/mentoring relationship, you don't threaten to end the relationship (or do it) because the other person made a mistake. That only shows that your feelings are conditional on his doing exactly as you say and not disappointing you. You need to be there for him no matter how many times he messes up. Be his rock, not someone who runs away or freaks out. He is counting on you to be there for him, know what I mean?

 
Old 09-04-2004, 07:25 PM   #9
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Re: Help coping with teen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan25
In a parental/mentoring relationship, you don't threaten to end the relationship (or do it) because the other person made a mistake. That only shows that your feelings are conditional on his doing exactly as you say and not disappointing you. You need to be there for him no matter how many times he messes up. Be his rock, not someone who runs away or freaks out. He is counting on you to be there for him, know what I mean?
That probably came out to sound like I was making our relationship conditional on him quitting drugs. That came out wrong. What I was trying to say was that the incident just was the culmination of a lot of other stuff and he wanted me to stay away from him so that I don't have to deal with his problems. I repeatedly told him that I am ALWAYS there for him and that yeah, i might get upset at times, but I am never quitting the relationship. He wanted to end the relationship...

 
Old 09-05-2004, 06:54 AM   #10
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Mica09 HB User
Re: Help coping with teen

[removed]A book I HIGHLY recommend is "Life Strategies for Teens by Jay McGraw (Dr. Phil's son). The book is written for teenagers, written in a language they understand. Very easy to read. It's such "common sense" book.

[removed]

[Do not post any advice in a professional context! Also, do not copy and post others materials as there are copyright laws to be concerned about. Thank you! - Moderator BAC]

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 09-07-2004 at 09:37 AM. Reason: Read and follow our rules!

 
Old 09-07-2004, 08:16 AM   #11
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Re: Help coping with teen

To me this does not sound like pot. My sister was a heavy drug user and pot does not make you violent, it just makes you lazy. She also tried to OD on tylenol. Does he go through alot of mood swings? Crystal and exsticy make you violent you are happy and feel loved while on it but when you start to come down people get violent and mean. She did absolutely every drug except for needles. She was very mean and violent and didn't care about anything, except for going and doing drugs. We thought that she was going towards two paths in life. Jail or dead. I wish I could offer you adivce but there's not to much you can do unless you put him in boot camp. But we couldn't do a thing with my sister, she wasn't ready. One day she just woke up and stopped. She met a guy and had a baby, and now she is trying to raise a child and is going to college because she missed out the first time. I think what he was trying to do was see how you and his family reacted to him doing pot, and decided not to tell you about any other drugs. Have you ever considered doing a drug test? I know it's not easy and I wish you both the best.

 
Old 09-07-2004, 12:33 PM   #12
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Re: Help coping with teen

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Old 09-07-2004, 12:46 PM   #13
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Re: Help coping with teen

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Old 09-07-2004, 01:13 PM   #14
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Re: Help coping with teen

Good moves. Just do not get too detached, he need to know that you really are there for him, and have not dumped him.

 
Old 09-07-2004, 09:29 PM   #15
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Re: Help coping with teen

Another thing you may want to think about is this..............his drug use may have nothing at all to do with this. Smoking pot usually does not cause these types of reactions. It is usually the heavier drugs that do this. He may have an underlying problem going on here. He could be suffering from an undiagnosed depression of some sort. The teenage years are so hard. Some people sail through them with no problems at all...............I was one who did not! I did experiment with my fair share of drugs. I don't blame the problems I had on my drug use and I do not promote drug use. One thing that I can tell you though from my experience is that the drugs helped to mask all of my other issues. At the time, the drugs helped me to escape everything else........or at least that was what I thought. But, in the end.......it all came down to one thing............I was suffering from severe depression. There are some drugs out there that can mimic the symptoms of depression and other mental illnesses, but in my opinion.................pot is not going to do that. It is also my opinion that most teens turn to drugs for one reason.........to escape a life of sadness.

I would say before the pot is causing his problems............an underlying problem is doing it. Maybe you should talk to his parents and see about having him see a professional to see if there is something else going on here. Another thing..........this boy needs you to stay strong and be supportive. He needs you to be there. Many teens deal with these issues. Puberty, peer pressure can wreak havoc on the teenage years. Just stand by him and do not give up. Don't not let him see your weakness because he will feel that you are not strong enough to support his problems and then you face the risk of this boy not turning to you at all..............and he MAY begin turning to harsher drugs to get what he is missing from you. I am speaking from my experience. I am not by any means a professional.

I have a story about one of my cousins. His story is different, but the end result is my point in telling this story.........and the end result can be for any teen out there who does not have help and a good support system.

My cousin was born to a 16 year old mother and a 31 year old father. He lived with his father (my uncle) who lived with my grandparents. My uncle (his father) had a massive drug problem (heroine) and my cousin suffered because he saw his father doped up on many occasions. My grandparents mainly raised him because half the time my uncle was not capable of doing it. My cousins mother died of AIDS (as a result of many years of intravenous drug use) when he was only 12 years old and 4 years later when he was 16........my uncle died. He swore up and down that he would never touch drugs. His exact words were this..........."Drugs have destroyed my life...........and I never touched them". He was right. His life had been destroyed by drug use, but not because of his use. Shortly after, the depression sank in................and he began doing drugs.

You would think that my cousin had so many reasons out there to not touch drugs...............but he did because that was his comfort. He got his support from doing drugs. My grandparent were blind to the fact that my cousin needed help and support.........and he didn't get it from my grandparents like he needed. Sure, my grandparents provided him with everything under the sun........but only materialistic things and of course love. But inside my cousin was yearning for something more...............and no one was giving it to him. He didn't have the courage to seek the support that he needed and no one really recognized it. He did a good job of hiding his pain. Most of the family didn't know what he was feeling because he always appeared to be happy, but apparently behind closed doors was a different story. One day, he left my grandparents house and he never came back. He started staying with friends. Then my grandparents completely lost touch because no one had any idea where he was......no phone numbers or anything. Now we know where he is......because we read it in the newspaper. He is in jail.

My point is that if your friend doesn't get the help that he needs now........this could turn into a much worse problem. He needs you as his support. Don't give up on him. Talk to his parents. Seek some outside help for him..........or he could be living my cousins life............behind bars or worse.

 
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