Right now i'm 18, going to college workking 2 jobs, a great b/f, life is going good. My mom, i love her to death, is stressing me out and give me her personal problems, the type of problems my best friend and I confront and talk to eachother about (like b/f issues, finicial, etc). I'm probably the best teenager/adult that i know off. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, etc even though the temtation is there. Since I turned 18 a month ago, she has done nothing but give me 101 question when I say "i'm going to go out ________ i'll be back late (no later/earlier than 3am)." I have always been very respectful, etc. My mom right now, is telling me she is going to run away (in a nut shell) from everything here where i live currently to where her family lives in NY and ship me and my 16 yr old brother to live w/ my dad (out west). FYI i'm in NC. She keeps telling me about her and her b/fs issues, etc. I can't deal w/ it. I can't talk to her. I am expected to take my BROTHER places when I can't, for example I was invited over to my b/fs "father/brother figures" house for lunch and to hang out and watch football. They live where I used to work (i lifeguarded in the nieghborhood). I wasn'ting going over to the area where he wanted me to take him, but she (my mom could have made it on her way b/c she had to go to the Bi-Lo/Harris Teater. Well, I told my brother, hey i'll take you when I can, but I really can't today if you had asked me earlier or yesterday no problem, then he said it was my responsiblity to take him. I told him bro i'm your sister not your parent, its not my "responsibily" I'll help ya when I can but right now I can't, but i can next weekend if you'd like me to do that. But he just got all ****** then my mom got mad at me, etc. I can't talk to her. I want to be able to talk to her as a parent, yet as a friend. I understand that yes I am living at her house and i'm not paying rent...but i'm always doing what I can to help out around here (buying dinner/food, buying brother school supplies and cloths, etc.) I'm broke b/c of getting them stuff. My dad pays my mom childsupport and a butt load of it. I don't have insurance since I turned 18, I have to get some fillings done at the dentist i have to get my medication (for depression and allergies which is $60 w/ insurance). I just don't have the money to or will power to do everything for everybody. I was talking to my b/f and he was like you know your only one person you can't do everything and be everything for everybody. You ahve to worry about yourself and your health, etc first then others. I can't even tell my mom about my b/f, because then the accuasation come...your having sex, hes getting you drunk (hes 23, but he WONT let me drink and I don't drink period, and he barily does ever anyways), etc. My dad is cool, I told him and hes like just stay safe, and don't do anything stupid. His thing is, your living your life stuff happens you make mistakes an dyou learn from them. I'm sorry to be writting a book....my question basiclly is this...
(1) Is she just having a hard time letting go now that i'm 18?
(2) Am I being unreasonable by going out until 3am at the latest?
(3) Am I wrong for not doing everything (ie taking my brother where he wanted me to take him when I had plans and wasn't going that way)?
(4) Is it possible to have a frienship w/ a parent? I have seen it w/ my best fiend.
My mom and my best friend don't get along, b/c they don't see eye-to-eye on anything. I'm really not a bad teenager/adult. I just don't like being accused of things, and I do'nt like being a "parent" to her and my brother...when I don't have any kids. I"m just asking for a perpective from a parent how they would react or have been in this type of situation as a teen/adult and now a parent. I want to be a great mom, when I have kids. I know I want to be the mom, my kids can come to and be like "mom i messed up help me" or "mom i'm confused and I just need a sholder to cry on", etc. I do'nt t hink thats to much to ask. I'm sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong area of the forums, if so mods plz move it!! I'm not trying to cause problems or anything like that i'm just asking for a perpective....No debating!! hehe. Thanks guys!!
OK, I can give you a good perspective on all of this. I was much like you. My father died when I was only 11 which made me grow up pretty fast and my mom would always talk to me about her personal life, which I didn't even want to know about, and then she would turn into robomom. The problem is you can't be a child's best friend and parent and not have conflict. I am now a mother of 2 little girls and I said the same thing, things will be different when I am a parent. But they're not. I am so protective of my children. I don't want them outside without me, they are 9 and 6, I worry about them all the time and I know what you are going through.
Your mom loves you, and yes, she is scared of being left alone to raise your brother. And yes, I think 3:AM is way too late to be out. Midnight is a much more reasonable hour. You seem like a very responsible girl, as I was also. I never did drugs, the first person I slept with was my husband, and I never drank irresponsibly. But the problem with me was I hung out with people who did do drugs, I slept with my husband before we were ever married, and drinking under age is not responsible. You do need someone to talk to but maybe it isn't going to be found here or in your mom, friends, or boyfriend. Who you need to talk to is Jesus. I know I am sounding religious but he can answer your prayers.
God does answer prayers, and sometimes the answer is not what we want it to be, but it is best for us. In this rough time in your life, turn to God.
Last edited by Moderator BAC; 09-27-2004 at 01:03 PM.
Reason: Stay on topic. This poster deserves this thread to remain on the topic that she posted.
Dear Fallen...I too am a mother of two girls who so happen to be teenagers. The oldest is not too far behind you. While reading your post one thing that came to mind is that your mom is raising 2 teenagers pretty much all by herself!!! My two girls, although great kids who stay out of trouble, are quite a handful. There is lots to do and many concerns....as the previous poster so lovingly says, our job as mothers is to love you and part of that involves keeping you safe & out of harms way. If she is saying that she wants to pack up & leave...she's probably at her wits end and needs a little support. So if she asks you to help out with your brother try to understand that she must have alot on her plate to ask you to do so. I really beleive that it is still her job to set curfews...you shouldn't be announcing when you are going to be home, as long as you live under her roof you should be asking her what time you should be home. I understand you are nearly an adult but until you are actually out on your own, supporting yourself and working a job you are not an adult. Granted from what I read you are mature and really seem to be on the right path making great decisions. And if you're really honest with yourself your mom probably had alot to do with that and having to do it pretty much on her own. Give her the love & respect she truly deserves by helping out not just because you are asked to but because you truly want to.
Most of the time mothers of teenagers cannot be their friends when they truly do care. It is important to set guidelines which often makes them your enemy....that's what I am many days to my girls, but I do have the confidence that when my job is finally done that we will finally be friends and they will be the confident, thoughtful, caring & loving beings that I always dreamed them to be. Good Luck....Goody
Ps...Speisfamily...thank you for sharing your beautiful story which does show us that truly we do have a loving God that loves us and is there to help us through our most difficult times. I beleive, as you do, in the power of prayer and think it would be wise if FAllen prays for strength & wisdom at this time in her life.
Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-27-2004 at 01:22 PM.
Believe me I rely on God 100% of the time. That put alot of things into perspective. I did talk to her tonight. and we are at a "truce." I agree 3 am is late...i normally don't stay out that late. Only once, when I lost track of time at my b/fs. Normally if I go out, i'll be back between midnight and 1 am, if I go out after work (at around 10pm). So going out to get something to eat and movie or what not is around midnight. But yeah. I understand and try to help out when I can, my dad packed up from here in nc to nm, so! I'm trying not to be the evil daughter now, because I know when i'm a parent it will come and bit me in my butt!!! I guess i'm mostly stress about b/c i'm the oldest granddaugher, child, niece, cousin, etc on both sides of my family, so whatever I do is what the limit for everybody else is. I'm rambling...All i want is her to trust my decisions most of all I wish I could tell her about my b/f but I really am happy with him, and I know one day as one of my fav songs says "i'm going to marry that boy one day" but i know the accusations will come I don't want to deal with that, any suggestions? I just want to be able to talk to her, maybe not as a friend but as a parent. Thank you guys for your responces. I really appreshiate it, jeez I can't spell LOL! But thank you
Fallen....A big part of any relationship is trust. Hiding your relationship with your B/F from your mom is not alright...what is your plan to tell her about him the day before you get married? Seems to me that if he is as great as you are saying then he should be worthy of being introduced to your mom. What does your B/F feel about this? By not introducing him to your mom you are giving him one of two messages...that you are ashamed/embaressed by him or ashamed/embaressed by her. Men measure how you will be in the long run by your interactions with those you have had a relationship with the longest....your family. They see how you treat your family and know that's how they'll be treated if & when you decide on a long time relationship with them. That is if he truly does care about you....when they use you it really doesn't even matter.
I believe that honesty & trust are what's most important in any loving relationship. It comes with maturity. You really are a smart young lady and I know it must put alot of pressure on you to keep your B/F a secret from mom. Mom's are not here to ruin your life...they really want what's best for you and to see you happy. If your boyfriend treats you with respect and makes you happy...she shouldn't have a problem with it.
What are you studying at college & what job do you have now? Hope you think seriously about being honest with your mom. It is the right thing to do & I have a strong feeling that you already know it!!....Goody
ok- i'm mad i just typed a nice wonderful replya nd it deleted it **urg** My b/f has met my mom when I was lifeguarding, before we started going out. My mom knows I have a "really good guy friend" i've been hangin' out with alot. I keep trying to hint it to her, but I just don't want the accusations, and he doesn't like ppl all up in his bussiness like my mom is, lol. His parents are the same way. My mom just thinks, oh your having sex, your drinking, etc etc. When i'm not and it really upsets me.
I'm a pre-education major, special education. I love it!!! I work at petsmart, and wet seal. Although I have alot of ankle problems that affect my ablity to walk around like required at wet seal. I know I need to tell my mom about my b/f, and I want to, just I wish it were easier. My dad is cool, hes like "just make sure if you are going to have to get on birth control, and stay safe." His philosophy is, your going to do wahtever you want to do, you have to learn by making mistakes and if you don't have the opertunity, then our screewed basiclly. Although I dn't think thats the BEST parentling method but it is true. My mom and I are at a truce right now, so if it continues then maybe. thankx goody
Yeah, Fallen....I've deleted many great replies in the past & there's nothing I hate more......
I say hang tough....you're doing just fine and your parents should be proud of you. It's hard staying away from drugs, drinking, sex etc. and it seems that both of your parents have their own way of supporting you & the main thing is that it's actually doing you good. Just remember...it's easy for your dad to be the good guy because he's not there as much having to deal with it all on a day to day basis.
Seems you are certainly motivated & go after what you want in life. Glad to see you're pursuing education....and working at the same time too!! Your mom must be proud of you....when she's not busy gettting involved with your stuff. Remember...she loves you and what you may see as getting too mixed up in your stuff is only her way of trying to be involved in your life...it's hard for us mom's to let go...we sometimes tend to measure our importance on our job as a mother. Suddenly your all grown up and wanting to make all the decisions and where does that leave us???? Try to tell your mom that you still need her & ask for her opinion once in a while...you teens seem to think you know it all and asking us once in a while for advice makes us feel important!!!
Glad to see you called a truce!! It's important to treat the people in our lives with love...for we never know when they will no longer be around and shouldn't take one day for granted that we ae blessed with them
I'm here to listen anytime you'd like....Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-28-2004 at 08:02 AM.
Yeah, I don't know if other people my age are like this as well, but I just want to hear and truely know that my parents are proud of me and support me and my decisions in life. but yeah. tahnk you so much for your imput is has given me another perspective so i'm not totally out in the blue about how my mom may be feeling or whatever...LOL.
Wow, some of this sounds familiar. My daughter is 18 1/2 and a Freshman at our local university. She lives at home for financial reasons. We agreed to pay for college, but not living expenses. She could have saved and paid for that, but she chose to spend it on other things. Oh, well, we only live 2 miles from college! But anyway, she had always been such a homebody, kind of shy and not very outgoing. Sweet, obedient, (still is). But her senior year she befriended some people that I didn't really agree with. Their behavior was borderline with me and I just didn't see it as a good thing to hang out with them. We went round and round last year and she would say that her first year of college was going to be miserable because I was still treating her like a high schooler. Well, I didn't like the late hours, coming in at 2 and 3 a.m. (Like you mentioned). What do you possible do at that hour? She says "hang out at Denny's or IHop and talk" Oh, well, maybe I'm just being unreasonable, but I like to go to bed at night ( 11:00 p.m.), lock up and not be anticipating anyone coming or going too much after that! But anyway we came to a compromise. She is usually in at 12:00, except for some special occasions. I don't say too much anymore. I'm trying to leave God in control. But I do pray a lot. The friend situation is still not good. She came in late the other night. Had been to a concert at a girl's house (which I thought was strange), a boy she had driven there got drunk and beat up his brother. Oh, it was a mess! Well, my daughter doesn't drink and she went on and on how disgusting the whole thing was. I said , don't you think it's time to start hanging out with people that have the same values as you? She is a good girl, doesn't smoke, do drugs, drink or have sex. She gets real frustrated because she says she is the ONLY one of her friends NOT doing these things. Why does she continue to hang out with them? She has been going to the university's student union which is sponsored by our church affiliation. I said, I know you are going to meet a lot of new and good kids there. I just wish she would before she gets in trouble... Thanks for letting me vent and anyone can offer advice. Thanks
Thanks Cindy!! I wish i only lived 2 miles from my college!!! Its more like a 45-hour drive. My mom has said the same thing, about waht can you be doing at such a late hour, with work and school, late a night/early morning seems like the only time to just chill. I to am the only one of my friends that doesn't have sex and drink (none smoke or do drugs but have tried in the past), but they are good people and have been though and are go though alot of similar issues...my best freind is like my sister in many ways. My b/f does on occastion (but legally he can though, so ya know, and he wont let me drink or anything to that nature) to help relax (he works with alot of crazy people!).Have you and your daughter come to a truce about friend, even though you don't agree with them? Researchers say the most sleep deprived individuals in American society is college students. I'm rambleing when I need to go to sleep myself. Your daughter does sound like myself, i've always been quite not much of a homebody, but like to just chill and hang out. Is it just going a matter of letting go since you reach the border of teen/adult awarwardness? I'm just bothered, becuase if I say i'm going to go hang out w/ my best friend or whatever I know it bothers my mom, because she doesn't like her. I just want to find the balance mostly. Alot is running though my mind right now and i'm just really confused. I wish I could swap places with her and understand how and what is going though her head so I could understand I just don't. I know being a parent you want the best for your kids (I don't have kids yet but I know I want the best for my future children), but sometimes isn't the best alowing them to make their own decisions (to a certain extent). My mom said my best friend isn't alowed in her house, and I respect her for that rule. It is rational, altough I don't agree I accept it, its not my house. i'm rambling in my confusion. I know not being a parent its hurt to put my feet some a parents shoes, unless a dog or turtles count, which I don't think they are the same at all as humans. My b/f said its hard for him and he works full time, etc to live on his own. He said to me tonight, do you really want to live on your own, have bills to pay, rent due, a car payment, and no extra money to go shoping (he know si'm a shopaholic). Which makes sense i'm only working part time going to school. I make in one pay check (2 weeks, about a 200 car payment). I don't think i'd be alb eto manage rent although gas is quite expesnive a week ($40 in a week for my car, 1 1/2 fill ups). I just i'm confused and rambleing like i said again...i'm offf to bed thank you cindiy and evybody else for the input!!!
Fallen....it's good of you to want to know what parent's think...in the long run we are only thinking about how much we love you and what we can do to best guide you so that you will have a great life. At the time you may think we're doing the complete opposite...ruining your life as my 16 year old often says. A friend of mine says that all she thinks is, "I just have to keep them alive until they're 21!!!" Can you imagine the pressure a parent has when they're thinking that way????
We gave birth to you & promised to keep you safe and to give you the best in life. It's really not an easy job....and the teenage years are really the hardest. And the world is full of really dangerous things....drugs, violence, date rape, some things that we never encountered when we were teens but that we have the job to protect you from. These days you could be at a party & someone slips a drug in your drink & takes you off only to rape you. So when you're out late....your mom wants to be sure you get home safe which means she waits up and won't go to sleep until she hears you come in and knows you are safe. That's the mind of a mom.
When I was a teen...I hung out with others smoking pot, drinking etc. but for some reason I didn't. I don't know the reason why....I guess if I were to guess it would have to do with the way my mom raised me. She was stricter than other mothers always wanting to know where I was, who I was with and wanted me home much earlier than some of my friends. I didn't like it at the time....but was thankful for it when I didn't end up pregnant like some of my friends, didn't end up missing out on college like some did because they chose to party in high school rather than keeping their grades up.
So Fallen....it may seem like your mom is messing with your life way more than you'd like her too...but she does so only because she cares. These are the impressionable years....if she weren't on the sidelines pulling you in and guiding you onto the right path of life....you might be there smoking, having sex, doing drugs like the others only because you didn't have a mother bold enough to mess with your life when it needed messin' with
I'll leave you with one final thought...you asked if it's possible for a mom & daughter to be friends. The answer is yes...a friend gives you advice and tells you like it is and sets boundaries when needed...you may not like it at the time but as you mature and time goes by and you eventually have your own family, you will come to realize (as I did) that she is the best friend you ever had!!! That's what gets me through these teenage years....knowing that my girls will feel the same way one day......Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-29-2004 at 08:41 AM.
I don't think I said before, but my mom is an alcoholic, although she doesn't say so. A 18 pack a day is what she drinks alone. My mom or dad, has never told me not to smoke, drink have sex etc. Thats my values. The only thing my mom had ever been strict about was making straight As and being grounded if I didn't. NOrmally 99.9% of the time she is passed out drunk when I get home if I go out, the only way she knows what time I get home is I wake her up and tell her i'm home. She accually kicked me out at 15, and I havn't lived with her for 4 years of my life. Its been my dad or my best friends parents (b/c I lived with them). I guess thats why I feel the way I do, becuase my mom hasn't been there or cared, or appeared to i'm sure she did and does care. And she is being stricter than just grades. I remeber getting beat for not making straight As (which was always never have gotten straight As, but maintained a GREAT GPA) I've got to run off to work in a bit and by the back first thank hyou Goody. I think I did read the post you had posted about your daughter (w/ work and not willing to get off for family functions?), she does seem ALOT worse than myself. She sounds ike a couple of people I know. most employer I know, wo uld rather deal w/ the employee than the parent, because parent has control of the kid, but if they just deal w/ the kid then they can talk them into work more than they want to or parents say, and use the "oh, well she/he didnt say mom/dad didn't want them tow ork so many hrs or this day that day, etc" Welp, off to work I go!!! Laterz, Fallen thank you girls and ugys. Although I think this all moms!!!
Hey Fallen, sounds like you have the stamina to 'pick yourself up!' lol
You have overcome a lot, parents divorcing and your mom being an alcoholic, to pursue an education and hold down jobs too. You have great character from what I've read. Unfortunately, when someone in the household drinks and they don't think it's a problem - there isn't much you can do about it. You're left to deal with the aftermath day after day. You and your brother should come up with a schedule of when you can take him places. Your mother doesn't sound like she is very organized.
Keep up the good work and know that where you are right now is where you should be and even though things look crazy, you have the maturity to recognize what needs to be done.
If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.
Hey...Fallen Goody's soooooo sorry for not reading between the lines here I'm so sorry....really I am, the advice I had been giving you would not exactly be the same if I had known that mom was a drinker.
Hats off to you, girl, for the wonderful person that you are despite how mom is handling her life. My mom came from an alcoholic home in which her dad died leaving her pretty much in charge of her little sister while her mom was passed out or in hospitals. It was a nightmare of a life in which she had virtually no childhood. She turned out to be a wonderful mom...and claims she never touched a drink because of all the pain it caused her family. She does wish that she had someone she could have talked to about it....but her fear was always that they would split her & her sister up so she never did. Perhap you should line up some counseling sessions or at least attned alanon meetings so that you never feel that way.
Please accept my apologies....Goody has never been in your 2 shoes before but I'd like to be here in anyway to help if you should need it. As far as my post about my 16 year old....what you said is right on the money...the boss is on her back constantly about more hours etc. and we've talked & told her if he gives her a problem to have him speak to us. After that post....I ended up laughing about alot of it....at the time I was at my wits end but I'm coming to realize that it's a struggle between my learning to let go a little more so she can be more independent and keeping her safe at the same time.
Fallen...you're a terrific kid & should really be proud of yourself!!! I am of you and say so just in case your mom has missed the opportunity to tell you so. And you have taught me to say those very words more often to my girls......Goody
Goody, no problem. I have looked in the alanon meeting(s) but none are when I can go I always have class or work. My mom refused to go to counsuling, we were supposed to a couple years ago, while I was living w/ my dad that my grandma (her mom) had arranged. But I was all ready to go and she "didn't" feel like it. :/ oh well. Thanks goody and everybody else!!