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Old 10-07-2004, 06:02 AM   #1
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Should I Do Something or Just Leave it be?

Have myself in a dilemma here & woud appreciate any help

A few days ago my 16 year old daughter told me that she needed to talk to one of her best friends who so happens to live next door. It was late & a school night but I made the exception knowing that she wanted to assist her friend. When she returned I did my usual motherly thing of asking if all was okay (this girl is like a daughter to me too since they've grown up together over the past 14 years) Anyway....my daughter didn't give me any info and went to bed. I followed up the next day and she told me that her boyfriend broke up with her & that she needed to further talk to her friend. (Her friend's mother confirmed the breakup with me as well)

Well...yesterday the mother told me that her daughter came home early from school with menstrual cramps and that my daughter would be taking the bus rather than taking a ride home with her.

This morning my daughter's cell phone was left behind and my younger daughter grabbed it and wanted to know if my other daughter texted a Happy Birthday message to her boyfriend. Before I could stop her she was snickering why Danni (my older daughter's friend) would text my daughter that she got her period with two exclamation points as if it's something to be happy about (obviously this went way over my younger daughter's head...thank God for that) but what do I do with this???

It leads me to believe that my daughter's friend has been sexually active...it was her first boyfriend of 4 months & they did just breakup. Should I mention something to my friend's mother who is also my friend????? My motherly instincts are definitely to sit down with my daughter and discuss this all with her giving me the chance to further talk about sex now that she has her first boyfriend and has been going out with him for 2 months. Or should I just leave it all be??? Any advice would be appreciated....Goody

PS-I feel as if I should talk to my neighbor only so she can be sure she can address the issues of birthcontrol etc. with her daughter but I am afraid of how it will affect my daughter's friendship & possibly my relationship with my daughter as well for ratting her friend out....HELP

Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-07-2004 at 06:36 AM.

 
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Old 10-07-2004, 06:55 AM   #2
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Talking Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

Hi Goody!

I like talking to you. I really like your idea about talking it over with your daughter. Do you think she'll freak about you guys looking at her phone (even if it was innocently?) I say use the opportunity for a little talk with your daughter.

The other part of me says that if it were me, no matter what, I would tell the mom. I don't know how you would do this without causing problems between you and your daughter if she asked you not to tell. I mean I assume the mom would then talk to her daughter, who would talk to your daughter who would know that you told on her. Huh..that's a toughie!! But I think the mom has the right to know. I don't think she can (or that it's right) tell her daughter not to have sex, but she should know that she is, and more importantly, that she is probably having it unprotected. What do you think her mom would do? What do you think you'd do if you were in her shoes?

I cringe when I hear about teens having unprotected sex...I know I did, and when I look back I can't believe that I didn't catch anything or get preggers. The odds of them getting herpies alone is like 1 in 4! I can remember when my family found out that I was having sex. I came home one day and there were three packs of birth control pills lying on my bed. My dad is a doctor and had put them there. The only thing they said was just to let them know if I had any questions. Every three months three more packs showed up on my bed. I wanted to die...I was so humiliated, but at the same time, so thankful. And to this day I am still thankful that he knew and helped me to be more safe. Good luck to you!

 
Old 10-07-2004, 07:20 AM   #3
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

i wouldnt discuss it with her mom just because at this point ur assuming and you know what they say about that! i would discuss it within your own family but its up to your daughters friends parents to figure this out on your own and i dont think discussing it with them would make a diff. as this girl would prob. still have sex anyways. just worry about ur own for now and know where your daughter is as u dont want her around this influence if thats whats really going on.

 
Old 10-07-2004, 07:31 AM   #4
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

Wow...Kiera You really did have some great parents to be intuitive enouh to protect you That's what our job is all about.

I enjoy talking to you too. As for my daughter....she already believes I check her phone...which I have to admit I have done in the past but denied of course. But honestly this morning it was not me....and I did reprimand my daughter for going into her sister's messages which I believe is all in my favor right now. As I've had some more time to think....I tried to think what I would want if my friend had knowledge of this....and I'd want to know. I can explain things to my daughter in terms of what I have always taught her ...there are times to keep secrets and times not to and that my main concern is for her friend's safety...against STD's, teenage pregnancy etc.

As you already know, my home has become a battleground and I've been hiding in the trenches waiting for the next battle. For a few weeks it's been a cease war and as much as I'd like to keep it that way....sometimes being a mother doesn't make them your friend. But if I were to not address this...her friend could end up in trouble and I could have prevented it rather than staying on the sidelines hoping that it wouldn't happen

So....I know what I need to do....and reading your experience and your father's reaction only reinforces that it's the right thing to do. Knowledge is power....if her mother knew then she can do what is necessary to protect her. Thanks for your helping hand, Kierra....you're an angel ....Goody

 
Old 10-07-2004, 10:12 AM   #5
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

I think it's a good starting point to talk about birth control, when the right time to have sex is etc...don't do it in a preachy manor, have a discussion with her, see what her feelings are about it. I'm always amazed when i hear of polls taken of young kids and their believes about sex etc. Then i would let her friends mother know what is going on. Just think about how you would want to be told your daughter is having sex, so tell her to her like you would want it told to you. Then you can talk to her mother about how to approach it with her daughter. She doesn't necessarily need to say i know you've been having sex, she could ask her daughter about her opinions on sex, birth control, see whether or not her daughter will open up to her.
The key to it all is to tread lightly, just remember back when you were a teen and how you would have reacted to your mother talking to you about sex.

 
Old 10-07-2004, 02:54 PM   #6
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

I can't say to tell her or not. I can only say that, as a parent, I would want to know. Adults in todays society need to band together and start dealing with these tough issues. So many people want to pretend them away until something big happens and they get slapped with it.

I think the big word here is intention. You did not intend to violate your daughters trust and you only intend the best for her friend. You intend to be a good friend and give the woman a heads up as to what her daughter is dealing with. Just because the girl has the abillity to do these things doesn't mean that she has the maturity to handle the repercussions.

I would thank you for caring enough, for taking the trouble, and for risking the harmony in your own family to tell me. Good luck
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Old 10-07-2004, 04:35 PM   #7
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

THis would be my method, I would just be like *daughter* i know that your 16, etc. I know when I was a kid there was alot of temptation, and I just want to make sure you have the precaution in place in the event something gets carried away, etc. Because I love you and don't want anything bad to happen to you, etc. Your not saying you saw her phone, yet your not saying you didn't "hear" want happened. If ya'll ever sit down and watch a movie (About babys, or something like that, or bring up a magizine article you read, or newpaper, etc so it isn't so "random"). I would be glad, if my mom had said that ever, instead of on a rampage of anger towards me, LOL, accuse me of stuff not true. Like, my dad he said, Rach if your having sex tell me i'll make sure you get on BC. I don't want you to get PG, or anything. You should wait til your married BUT in the event something DOES happen I want you to be safe. That way your letting her know what you want is for her best intrest, but arn't accusing her of anything. Yeah know ya know.

 
Old 10-08-2004, 08:19 AM   #8
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

Goody just wanted to update you all here and also give a big thanks for your input.

I managed to sit down with my daughter and explain exactly what had happened and what information I had and if I were to put 2 and 2 together I'd easily figure that her best friend was sexually active. She confirmed it and I told her that I wasn't upset with her but just wanted to take the opportunity to talk with her. I shared with her how I was in her shoes at about the same age when my best friend thought she was pregnant and that it was a tough time for both of us....and thankfully it turned out that she sasn't pregmnant either. I went on to share with her how she felt after they broke up and how her friend was probably feeling as well. Then I went on to tell here how I felt an obligation to tell her mom because I felt her mom deserved the same opportunity to sit with her friend as I was given. My daughter became mortified and told me that she would never forgive me and that she & her firend had been taught a lesson...and that even when she (my daughter) advised her to use birth control she had promised to never have sex again. I calmed her down & reassured her that it was good advice she gave and that her friends decision was the best but that once someone is sexually active it's very hard to stop. I agreed to not tell her friend's mom for now. She said that she was certain that it would be a very long time before her friend would do it again!!!

I took our conversation one more step and shared with my daughter how sex is something not to be taken so lightly. I shared with her how I didn't have sex until I was 26 the frist being to a guy I was engaged to. I told her how things didn't work out...he was emotionally abusive & I ended up staying with him even longer because I had shared such a special thing with him. And then I told her that I didn't have sex again until I married her dad. I went on to tell her that after I gave birth to her my gyn detected HPV....that I had only 2 sexual partners and had gotten something that could cause uterine cancer and that they continue to monitor me for!!! She looked mortified....and after catching her breath asked if she could have it. I reassured her no....that it was a virus sexually transmitted but that it is something very private that I felt I needed to share with her.


Soooo....how did I do girls??? I think it really went well, don't you?
Thanks for listebnng....Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-08-2004 at 08:22 AM.

 
Old 10-08-2004, 08:37 AM   #9
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

Hi Goody!

I read this post too and think you did the right thing. Your main concern is YOUR daughter - Not the neighbor's daughter. I think your daughter will tell her friend that you know about what took place, and maybe she will talk to her own mother about her situation.
Communication is the key, and mother's and daughter's should talk about this kind of stuff.
I know it was a bad position for you to in - Afterall you did say that you and the other mother were friendly with each other, but I have never been a believer in the "Mrs. Cravitz" (remember her from Bewitched?) kind of gossipy neighbor. Just think how awful it would have been if this wasn't a pregnancy scare and you went to her mother and told her? YIKES. You would be crowned as the Neighbor Gossip Queen.

 
Old 10-08-2004, 09:20 AM   #10
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

Thanks Susie...I really like you a
As usual you have a gentle and reassuring way of saying things. Yes, I never would have went to the mother without checking the facts out with my daughter And as time has passed...it's probably for the best although part of me still feels "What if she gets pregnant or a STD and I didn't forwarn her mom?" You know that it takes a village to raise a child feeling??? But after speaking with my daughter 7 the advice she already gave her I think things are covered for now.

And so....my good witch (I left a little post for you on my other thread) I thank you again for the encouragement & hope you give Dorothy ...Goody

 
Old 10-08-2004, 09:34 AM   #11
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz
Thanks Susie...I really like you a
As usual you have a gentle and reassuring way of saying things. Yes, I never would have went to the mother without checking the facts out with my daughter And as time has passed...it's probably for the best although part of me still feels "What if she gets pregnant or a STD and I didn't forwarn her mom?" You know that it takes a village to raise a child feeling??? But after speaking with my daughter 7 the advice she already gave her I think things are covered for now.

And so....my good witch (I left a little post for you on my other thread) I thank you again for the encouragement & hope you give Dorothy ...Goody
You're so funny!
And how did you know about my mother-in-law? She hasn't been the same since the house fell on her sister!!!!!

 
Old 10-08-2004, 09:36 AM   #12
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

Goody-- can you be my mommy!!! lol.

 
Old 10-08-2004, 09:39 AM   #13
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fallen2love
Goody-- can you be my mommy!!! lol.


Ditto! I think Goody is an awesome mom!

 
Old 10-08-2004, 09:45 AM   #14
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

Thanks guys....Fallen I haven't forgotten about you I am going to go to your other post & tell you what this mommy thinks...so look for me there....Goody

 
Old 10-19-2004, 09:24 AM   #15
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Re: Should I Tell or Leave it be?

HI,
My mother let things be when I was a teenager. She knew my sister and I were up to stuff and just turned away from it. She was a single parent and did her best to provide for us. She tried to be my best friend and not a parent. I ended up pregnant at 15 and eventually having an abortion b/c it would have literally killed me to carry the pregnancy to term. I carry a lot of guilt from that. Please don't let it be. Confront your daughter. As far as the other mother goes, I would tell her that she might want to discuss birth control with her daughter and let her know you are doing the same. Your daughter will thank you when she is older for stepping in and helping her make the right decisions. I have 3 boys. We go to church, teach them morals and ethics, try to instill in them the importance of marriage, and when the time comes...we will probably have to give them condoms. I hate it that it will probably come to that, but it would be like building a pool in your backyard. Taunting your kids with it and then not teaching them to swim. Our kids face "sex" everyday on TV, on the street, in magazines. Of course they are curious and will dive in blind. Good luck!!
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