The weight of the world is so heavy sometimes being a mom. Sometimes I feel like my shoulders can't carry it anymore. We all want the best for our children but knowing that whatever step I take effects their future. I know to do my best but I have never been a mother before so how do I know what "the best" is? I know I am supposed to take life day by day but I can't help but to think of the past and wonder why I took the steps I did to screw up their young lives, like marry their father or stayed married this long. How could I have stayed in this house even after ONE heavy arguement? Why did I let them get to know their father to only hurt them by eventually abandoning them down the road. What does their future hold? Does God hear MY prayers? Am I insignificant? Everyone has problems but to me mine is the biggest one in the world right now. I realized today I NEVER have time to think. I am so busy being a mother, housekeeper, filing for divorce, cleaning, doing laundry, wondering how I am going to keep health care on my kids, finding a place for us to live that I don't even know what day it is! Do mothers break? Are our hearts made out of steel? If I am human why can't I cry anymore? I am having the hardest time in my life right now but I have no emotions from my heart, besides hurting for my children. Not for myself. I am just going through the motions like a zombie trying to get by. As a mother is this normal to feel sometimes?
my oh my yes it is normal to feel this way....my heart goes out to you and your children i will pray for you.
i think God is the answer to this and all things. just pray and "give this situation over to God" tell him you can no longer carry the burden it is just to heavy. tell him to take it for you and handle it how he sees fit. if you are not already i encorage to start going to a church. the support and love you can recieve from there will astonish you.
read your Bible, the answer to everything is in there....no i mean it...everything is in there. Palms is one of the best books in the Bible and one of the most inspirational....
please at least read some of the verses in Psalms....i think you will feel better imediatly.
Yes, it's not just as a mother though- it's more of a human being thing. I think the easiest way to describe it (in my situation at least)...... "God is standing behind me with a 2 by 4, and everytime I try to stand- he cracks me in the back of the knees." Thats how it feels.
The burdens just keep piling up. The illnesses. The issues. Everything-life in general. Finally, we act like the beaten dog-and we roll over. Does it hurt- heck yah! But we just roll over and quietly live(.....either that, or we lash out in aggression/anger).
I have so little emotion anymore- If I had to compare myself to someone-It would be Eeyore.
myladyshyanne---it is not God standing behind you with a 2by4 knocking you down, it is Satan....
consider this Bible verse...
"For i know the plans i have for you", declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
believe me, the Lord wants to help you not knock you down, thats what Satan does, never EVER the Lord.
you just have to pray and believe, ask for protection from Satan and all the wicked he has in store...God will be there for you, you just have to pray and have faith.
here is another Bible verse to consider.
"So do not fear, for i am with you; Do not be dismayed...For i am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear ; i will help you."
Isaiah 41:10, 13
I would believe it was satan if I had led a bad life. However, I haven't. I have never drank or smoked or did drugs. I don't abuse anyone or anything. I've gave back to the world when I could, raising orphand wildlife. I've taken in sick animals to prevent them from enduring an uncertain future. We say our prayers and graces. But I've still been plagued- and it hasn't just been adulthood-but since birth. What could a newborn possibly do to invite satan into their life? Maybe I just don't understand what your saying.....But I really hope you don't think I'm a bad person (isn't that who satan goes after-bad people???). I'm not bad. I just keep getting bad news about everything in my life. And please- I beg you- do not use the phrase- "God never deals you more than you can handle." Because he has. And no matter how much I pray- he won't take any of it back. Sometimes I think god is just testing me. But at the same time, it seems like he would ease up when I said "enough". I'm worn down, I'm tired, and tommorrow I get to go back to the doctor to hear more bad news.
Please do not give up on God. He his ALLWAYS there for all of us. I know it does does seem like it at times, but He is there. And Satan will go after ANYONE...Especially when their trust in God week for what ever reason.
It sounds as if you are having a very hsrd time dealing with all of your problems right now and I wish I had a few words to make you feel some relief of all your worries. But I do know that you are going to have to take some time for YOURSELF! I am sorry, but I do not recall how old your children are, and if they are old enough to be left alone for about an hour, you need to get away and do something your really enjoy. Tak a walk, go visit w/a friend, go sit in your car a read a book.....You need to do something that will allow you to get your mind free of your worries for a while. I have even gone and rented a hotel room just for a QUIET relaxing BATH. I was at my whits end and needed some time just for ME and that was the only way I could get it. I know that probably sounds imposible at the moment, but it is not I promise. There has got to be some way to find the time for you. That is so important. You know the old saying that you have to take care of YOU 1st before you are able to take care of anyone else. I have found that to be true.
Please know that you are not alone and we are here for you. Keep venting and get it all off of your chest. You can scream and yell at us and we will not hold it against you.
I will add you to my prayers tonight and ask that God will bring you some relif and some good news at the Doctor.
Sending you a hug!
......and that's all I have to say about that.......
My kids are 9,5,2 (she'll be 3yrs in 1and 1/2 weeks!), and 5 1/2 months. My 9 yr old has ADHD and is legally blind. My 5 year old has disabling ADHD.
I dream of free time. That doesn't happen at my house though . I went to the store by myself a week and 2 days ago-for a quick grocery trip and to get meds, and came home to a son having an asthma attack- and husband not having the foggiest what to do (even though he's been told and shown). He said he'd been having it for 45 minutes.
Sunday, we all went to get groceries, but hubby forgot his checkbook. So I told him I had to grab a few things for lunch with what little cash I had- and to please stay at the costumes with the kids so they could get an idea for halloween. A couple minutes later, a loud speaker came on telling someone there lost child was at the courtesy desk. I didn't hear the name, but I knew. Sure enough, I went around the corner and there stood hubby with three of four kids. I ran to the courtesy desk and picked up my 5 year old. I found out later that hubby had also lost him at the store the friday before. And he lost him at walmart when he was 2 yrs old. They actually called a code adam and locked all the doors! Hubby just has a real hard time with the kids.
We don't have mothers day here. We have a day when hubby helps his friend at his farm so his friend can have the day off to pamper his wife. This isn't one year. This is every year. Valentines is the same way. Sweetest day- hubby and his friend are planning on going up north. This year I took my two middle childs to an easter egg hunt at the church. I was pregnant for baby 4 at the time- and because of my illness, and the fact that I was having contractions, and that the baby wasn't really doing good in the uterus, I really wanted hubbys help. But he left, and went to his parents to ride a motorcycle. They split the kids up into groups- and I had no way of being in both places at once. I had to ask my ex(he was there with my oldest son) to help me. Now my five year old keeps calling my ex dad Lance. While I'm battleing uncurable illness- he leaves me to fend for myself. I have no one but my kids- and its lonely. I know it sounds bad- but my husband is never there-for me or the kids. But he's there for everyone else. If I try to make any plans, for us or myself- they get cancelled because someone else needs his help. He has actually dropped what we were going to do- to drive 12 miles(each way) to shut his parents pole barn door-because it was cold and his dad didn't want to go outside. He's put our plans on hold to drive up and put a license plate on his parents vehicle. His parents are in there late forties,early fifties-and both are capable of doing these things themselves. But I'm tired of being sick, and everytime I turn around-its another illness too-and It's not fair! I just want a happy healthy life..... I'm so sorry that you had to hear all this. It does feel a little better getting it off my chest.
I will try not to babble on my post as it seems to many things have been touched on already. My kids are 12, 5, 4, and 2. As you can tell from my signature, I am also a type 1 diabetic meaning that I take insulin to live. My youngest son has Apraxia of Speech and Sensory Processing Disorder. Both conditions require weekly therapy. He has recently stopped eating which doesn't surprise me as he has issues with reflux and Failure To Thrive. My 4 year old son also has Sensory Processing Disorder and has weekly therapy. I am about to undergo testing for Lupus which my Dr thinks I have while my youngest son is about to undergo testing for his reflux. They are talking about doing a fundoplication on him which is a surgery to stop the reflux.
All of that being said, the only thing that gets me by is my faith in God. I tell myself that I will always have too much to handle alone. I don't believe that Satan targets bad people. Why would he? If someone is already bad, I don't believe Satan is going to waste the energy. I believe he targets people who are struggling. People who are stuggling to hold on to some sense of normalcy are easy targets. They want an answer quickly and Satan is all to ready to give it to them. The vast majority of people won't tell you about Satan as a force they have actually seen. Evil comes to them in their worries, their sadness, and their dispair.
I am constantly up and down with my emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat, feel like running away, and just feel angry at the hand I have been given on any given day. I also get by by telling myself that this life on earth is not set up for happiness. It is meant to test us and to strengthen our faith.
When my youngest son was in the hospital and we didn't know if we would ever bring him home, I searched the Bible for a scripture I could hold onto. I needed something to repeat to myself over and over to remind me that I needed to have faith. I found an entire chapter that summed up what I need to remember. I still repeat Psalms 103 to myself when I am down. Even when I am sad or angry I tell myself to "Bless the Lord O my soul"
Soulcatcher, hindsight is 20/20. One thing adults have that our children do not is the ‘what if’ mindset. Kids are resilient and adaptive. They will be okay as long as you present a stable, loving, home. Daily tasks can be overwhelming. Try to separate those meanial things from your other issues. Put a ‘file cabinet’ in your brain and access things as they are needed. If all the drawers are open, the cabinet is sure to fall down. Sometimes we get too tired to cry. Your break comes at times you least expect it – sharing a moment with one of your children, catching or sending a smile their way, quiet talks at bedtime. You also have to make your breaks. Get out with the kids and take a nature hike. You may not think you have time for it, but you really don’t have time NOT to do it. Keep refreshing yourselves.
If you saw me as a child and now, you would realize that your children will make it and have a bright future. Don’t let them see your hopelessness. That is one thing children need – hope. If all’s they see is trouble, that is not a very good life. They need to keep the excitement that they deserve being a child. Don’t make them grow up too fast or miss the simple pleasures of being a family. Their dad is not around but from your post it looks like it’s better that way. You can make a home for your family and make it hum. One thing we mothers have is a helluva backbone. We’ll do anything to make things right for our children.
If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.
Myladyshyanne---mommyof4 said it best....why would satan target the bad people...he already has them in him trap...he is after the good ones...the ones who have to stuggle....
the only way to get satan off your back is to ask God to get him off your back.
God wants you to acknowledge that you need him in your life. The more you turn from God the more controll the devil will have over your life (just as he is doing in yours) he wants you to think that God is the one knocking you down at every turn, so you will turn on him and when he has you where he wants you he will make your life as bad as he can for as long as you let him.
Go to church...for just a month and see if your life doesnt improve...read the Bible and pray.....but you have to be careful what you pray for....like praying for strength as i was b 4...i kept asking for strength and God sent that to me by placing obstacles in my life to overcome, as i overcame them i became a stronger person, but i was confused as you are because i kept having all this hard stuff to deal with it seemed...turns out it was God just simply answering my prayers....hence the phrase "careful what you wish for" in this case "pray for"
as another poster said...please dont give up on God because he will never give up on you. he loves you and he wants you to acknowledge him, and live for him.
i am always here to talk if anyone needs me....but so is God and he is way more powerful than I.
How are you doing today Soulcatcher? I have been thinking about you and was hoping to hear something from you. I hope your Doctor appointment was not as bad as you had expected.
Keep your chin up and get those kids of yours and go out and do something fun. I am having to escape my house on saturday to avoid my nasty MIL....wanna meet us at the park!
Have a good weekend and keep us posted OK!?
Big hugs to you!
......and that's all I have to say about that.......
Sorry Kim to get back to you so late. I am alright I guess. Things are chokingly tight right now. I found myself getting of the phone with my jerk husband and then took it out on my kids. I caught myself and corrected what I did. He's pulling the money card on my right now. He wants $800 a month to live in an apartment with a pool and pay the other woman he got pg $1200 and give me and the kids whatever is left. Meanwhile i am still here with trees down in my yard from the stupid hurricanes. Pieces of my gates are still on the ground. It's that time again when I feel overwhelmed. Do you ever see those scenes in the movies where the guy is in the desert and is crawling to find water? Well that's me needing help. My neighbor the only one who I let watch my kids has moved to TN. SO now there is NO one else. I love my babies but I want help. My house is clean and everything is in it's place but I need help for me. I want a best friend who comes over and talks, I miss being in love. I miss having butterfly's in my stomach. It's been five almost six years and have not had love. I mean for my children but I want to feel that for another man. I have no time to meet anyone either. I need physical help around here with the trees and such and dh hasn't left me enough money. I am the last priority on his list. I'm ok I am just having a really tired day today. I just killed half a pumpkin pie. I guess it'll be two hours at the gym tomorrow. Can someone carry me to my bed please or I'm just gonna sleep at the computer. Night you guys.