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Old 10-12-2004, 08:10 AM   #1
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what should i do with her?!?!

We have 4 kids. my 12 yr old has been a problem since she was born! not trying to be mean but she has always been a problem child now its even worse! we have 2 kids younger and 1 kid older than her. The other kids have their days but she has every day! everytime we tell her to do something its followed with a sigh and an arguement like she is trying to cut a deal. the other kids just say ok. she ALWAYS has to have the last word. we try and do little things with each of the kids once in a while to make them feel special but when we do something with the others,even though she has had something, she thinks its unfair! for example my hubby and i went for lunch and took just her. this is after a night out with her grampa which the others didnt get and never complained about. so we took just her. then the next day 2 youngest asked for money to get a slurpee. when she found out she thought it was very unfair even though she just had those other things! they never complain when she gets stuff and they dont. Her fav words are so, i dont care and whatever. she feels that life owes her something. the other kids have had enough to say the least!! she plays cop and narks on them all the time, its like she gets pleasure from hurting others. she bosses them around constantly and never minds her own business but then also sees nothing wrong with her doing the things wrong that they did wrong! she is mean and will even be mean to the pets in the house!she backtalks and whines all the time. ive grounded her, sent her to her room, taken things away but nothing helps. the sad thing is i was just like her when i was a kid and i know how she feels but i dont know what to do because just like me, she doesnt get it! she is good in school and doesnt wear makeup and hang out with boys she isnt bad in those ways. any help would be great.

 
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Old 10-12-2004, 08:29 AM   #2
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SpeisFamily HB User
Re: what should i do with her?!?!

WOW, sounds like my daughter is living with you too, LOL. Well she used to act like that and sometimes has her bad days. We started going to church last year and was surprised that after children's church she would want to talk about all that she had learned. She didn't realize that it was a sin to be mean to others and that we should try to be kind to everyone, even those we are mad at. She has really started to evaluate her actions and is treating the whole family much different. And since she started acting different I have treated her different. I have noticed that the positive attention she is getting when making good decisions leads to a much better attitude for all of us. We have bought her her very own bible which we let her pick out and she reads it all the time. I have seen a complete change in her life and the whole family is changing because of her example.

 
Old 10-12-2004, 09:38 AM   #3
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Re: what should i do with her?!?!

i have tried sitting down and dicussing her behavior with her it doesnt change anything she is good for a couple hours then almost like its imbedded into her she acts out again. i also follow through with my punishments to no avail. my main odd thing is that the other kids dont behave like her so i dont think its anything to do with the way ive raised them or ud think they would all be acting this way. its like she was born this way! no punishments work it seems she can not control it or she forgets too! i feel bad for her cause iwas the same way and saw no harm if anything i thought i was making the world a better place, like everyone else around me was wrong for thinking they way they do and only i was right. i just dont want this to turn into much more as she gets older.

 
Old 10-12-2004, 10:15 AM   #4
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Re: what should i do with her?!?!

The thing is that every child is different and need to be dealt with differently. Your daughter is so much like mine, likeI mentioned above. They will either learn from their mistakes or they will come to change their attitude, but it has to be them that does the changing. I learned that with my daughter, telling her what to do didn't work. I had to let her realize that what she was doing was wrong with suttle hints instead of commands. My other daughter is the opposite, she just does what she is told, no back talk, nothing. But with Desiree I have to make her want to do what I am telling her to do. It is easier to give her an option such as "Do you want to clean your room or do the dishes first?" Or "Do you want to change your attitude or stay in your room so we don't have to deal with your attitude all day?" I have also learned that it is a control issue, if I give her control of how to do what I want her to do it is easier to get her to do what I want her to do such as "Where do you want to do your homework?" instead of "Sit down at the table and do your homework." Just changing a simple command to a question works wonders.

 
Old 10-12-2004, 10:19 AM   #5
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atibbert HB User
Re: what should i do with her?!?!

Perhaps your punishments are not meaningful enough to get through to her. It has to be something that really matters to her. Also the incentive for good behavior has to be something that really matters to her. The trick is discovering what those things are. Every child is different and some are just more good natured and easy going than others. My 3 little boys are very different even though I am raising each one the same. My middle guy is very serious,stubborn, independent and moody, but when he does smile, it will light up the room. He is generally the least cooperative when asked to do something he doesn't want to so I have to tailor my discipline to suit his personality. My oldest is easy going, cooperative, outgoing but very prone to dramatics. My baby is sweet, funny, cuddly and very whiny. So my approach with each one of them is different. What works with one does not always work with the other.
If she is behaving in school, then she has the ability to control herself when it suits her. I find my kids behave better around other people than they do around me. They just let it fly with me because they know I am going to love them no matter what.
Good luck
Amy

 
Old 10-12-2004, 01:06 PM   #6
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Re: what should i do with her?!?!

Hi - Just Read All Your Posts Asking Things Instead Of Telling Is A Great Idea Works Great With My Stubborn Daughter.. Also Remeber She Is A Preteen.. Omg Good Luck I Remeber What I Was Like And Try To Stay Ahead Of The Game With Mine.. It Doesnt Always Work Though.. I Seem To Have A Really Hard Time When She Comes Back From A Night With Her Friends Or Her Aunts.. I Get The Sighs And The Glares Ona Regular Basis .. It Makes Her So Mad But I Laugh And Tell Her I Love Her Too She Just Growls And Goes In Her Room After That.. I Know It Might Sound Mean To Irritate Her Like That But I Think Some Children Act Out For Attention And To Cause Situations And Me Doing That Tells Her She Isnt Getting Undermy Skin So Try Again Most Children Are Great (they Have Their Days) But Most Try To Make Their Parents Happy With Them.. They Dont On Purpose Try To Tick You Off Unless They Are Having A Bad Day.

Just Remember She Is 12 Going On 28 Fustrating Time For Her And Only Going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better. Hang In There.

 
Old 10-12-2004, 08:58 PM   #7
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Re: what should i do with her?!?!

i also wanted to add something about her. she is never happy with anything she always seems to want more or thinks about what more she couldve had. she complains over everything and doesnt see the positive she had.

 
Old 10-13-2004, 11:31 AM   #8
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ftlaudmom HB User
Re: what should i do with her?!?!

Hi - reading your posts make me thank god for the two kids that I have. I have a girl 13 and a boy 11. They're pretty good kids in general but recently my boy ( my baby) has been changing into someone I don't like very much. Nothing like what you have described, but he gets an attitude with me now when he can't have his own way. I just started noticing it and until now he has always been the easy one and my daughter was always the harder one to please. They're doing a complete flip on me and I'm really thrown by it because the tactics that have worked in the past for my girl is not working for my boy.
He's developing a big temper and a defiance that he never had before. I end up solving the problem by getting my husband involved but I know that's really not solving the problem at all. He seems to fear (or respect) my husband more than me since I've babied him until now. I'll keep on reading your ideas and maybe I'll get some tips that will help. Thanks.

 
Old 10-13-2004, 12:33 PM   #9
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Re: what should i do with her?!?!

Some of that sounds EXACTLY like me when I was a kid. I never was mean to the pats though. From the time I was about 5 I thought everything my mom said was stupid and I had a better idea. I was always trying to "cut deals" too. My mom evenutally began taking away priveleges for my arguing or attitude. Then, of course, when she did that, I'd argue more and tell her why she was wrong, then she'd take away another one for, say 1 week. I could "earn" them back by not talking back and doing everything with a good attitude. Now I was unbelievably stubborn, so for a while, I'd rather live with the consequences than give in to the rules. LOL. I was a smartass. But she was consistant, and eventually I got bored and decided I'd rather be able to talk on the phone (or whatever) than prove my points. It took a while, but it did work.

I don't know why I was like that, but I honestly thought I could talk, argue, and reason my way out of anything!!!! LOL. And I could at school or later at work, but it never worked with my parents. My mom always just took a really tough attitude with me whenever I whined about something that my brother got to do that I didn't. (reasoning with me about the treat I just had that he didn't never worked! I always had a better reason!) But she's just say "So. Get over it." Or "yeah, you have to learn life's not fair." OH!!! That used to make me SOOOO mad. But I learned the truth in that!

Just curious. Does your daughter seem to breeze through school and be more intellectually mature than her peers? Just wondering, because I was too, and I HONESTLY THOUGHT I was just as smart if not smarter than any adult I knew, especially my parents.
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Last edited by siren1024; 10-13-2004 at 12:38 PM.

 
Old 10-13-2004, 01:58 PM   #10
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Re: what should i do with her?!?!

HI,
My son is the oldest of 4. Your description of your daughter could be him to the "t". I don't know what the answer is. I feel like I am reprimanding him ALL THE TIME. I hate having to punish him so much, but what are we supposed to do. The only thing that I found that really works is to ask his opinion on things and make him think it is his idea. For instance if the trash needs to be taken out. I comment that the bags are heavy and I wish his dad was home. Next thing I know he is taking out the trash and telling me not to worry about it. Then of course I praise him infront of the other kids and my husband. His behavior is still hard to handle at times, but the praising him for good deeds seems to help.
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Old 10-15-2004, 10:15 AM   #11
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SpeisFamily HB User
Re: what should i do with her?!?!

I agree with the last poster, it needs to be their idea to do things their way, it seems to be a control issue. If you let them think they are in control then they want to do it and telling dad what a wonderful thing they did when he gets home is a huge plus and works wonders.

Last edited by SpeisFamily; 10-15-2004 at 10:16 AM.

 
Old 10-20-2004, 09:15 AM   #12
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Firefly426 HB User
Smile Re: what should i do with her?!?!

OH MY GOD!!! If you read your post over again it is EXACTLY LIKE me and my mom. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE is that I am 14 and I am the only child. They are my favorite words too. wow, that's wierd...Grounding don't help me either, I had my cell phone taken away, and everything, grounded from the phone, no computer, no nothing. My mom says that she thinks that I'm spoiled...maybe that would give you a clue...

 
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