Hi Im in a bit of a tough situation and dont know wether I should be worried or not ? My partner says it was only a joke, but I feel differently...Anyway here is the situation ok...My father in law was here for a few hours with his daughter last weekend and we were sitting out the back enjoying the sunshine and having some lunch...Anyway he said he had to go inside and use the toilet...He then turned around and said to my 1 yr old baby girl DO YOU WANT TO COME AND HOLD IT I just about fell off my chair.....He then turned around and said oh maybe in about 25 yrs, and I will be dead then ! I just couldnt believe what I had heard him say...I know she doesnt understand what he is saying, but she wont always be 1 will she...I mentioned it to my partner that night and he said oh dad was only joking....I didnt find anything funny about it....Anyway this weekend he was here again and today he was holding her and she was playing with his ear and trying to put her finger in his ear hole....Anyway next thing he said to her was " well one thing your guaranteed is you will always have one hole more than us blokes " Obviously referring to her vagina.... I DO NOT LIKE THIS TYPE OF TALK......I was abused as a child myself by my grandfather so I know I am very sensitive about these things, but I dont think that type of talk is appropriate...Please give me some advice thanks.
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DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004
K...I was reading this and my eyes went literally!!! I would have had the same reaction as you, I find that kind of talk misappropriate too, I was abused when I was a child too, and I totally know where you are coming from about being sensitive to things and very protective. But I think I would still find it misappropriate even if I wasn't a molestation survivor. There is joking and there is going over the line. If it were me I would tell my DH either he sets things straight and tells his father that is unacceptable or I will put a stop to it myself and it won't be pretty ...which he and his father wouldn't like near as much. Goodluck.
Hi thanks for replying...I know in my heart Im not just over reacting because of what happened when I was a child...I have told my partner his father is NOT STAYING OVER EVER AGAIN ! He can come visit for a few hours, but then he GOES HOME ! It has been difficult as he lives about a 2 hour drive away and is 76 this year, so he always wants to stay over as he says doing the 4 hour drive in one day is too much..... I use to have it every other weekend till I put a stop to it....but now I dont want it AT ALL...Not just because of his comments, but also because I am having another baby in 2 weeks and its just not convenient...I will have my hands full as it is without babysitting him and I really dont have any room...He sleeps on my couch .....I already had said to my partner Im not having him stay over anymore when my baby boy is born, but after this kind of disgusting crap that has been coming out of his mouth recently, then IM DEFINATELY not having him stay over...My partner got very upset as I used the word pedophile and I said well what else am I supposed to think when he is speaking like that......Im not saying he IS a pedophile, but the fact he is even speaking like that makes me think well god only knows what is going through his mind....Anyway the bottom line is I WONT HAVE MY CHILDREN PUT AT RISK .........I know what its like to be abused and even the slightest hint of being around someone like that FAMILY OR NOT is just not going to happen....
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DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004
I would definately not put up with that sort of talk - not even around myself, let alone joking to a young girl. Make it clear to him that you don't appreciate it, and stick to your rule of him not spending the night.
You are the mother, you have the right to be concerned, and to take action against it, whether he is joking or not.
ok thats not even amusing!!!! i am EXTREMELY open and joke about sex with no thought what so ever BUT that isnt a joke thats just sick!! i wouldnt have this man in my house ever again!
OMG!!! I would DEFINITELY NOT tolerate that kind of talk, and I would keep my child away from that person, even if they are family. That should not be tolerated, and I would have a serious talk with my SO about this.
What would I think? I think I would have slapped this man right across the face! I would not wait for your partner to say something to his father. If he is like most men, he will wait until the two of you have a huge fight about it and then if & when he does aproach is father, he will blame it on YOU and act like it is not a big deal to HIM. & Then it will continue to happen. This is YOUR daughter also and you have every right to protect her at any and all cost. Does your daughter slep in your room or do your have a baby monitor in her room? If he does spend the night again I would do my best to have her in your sight at all times. I would even bring her to bed with me if at all possible. I am sure that this is just his way of showing his sense of humor and is more than likely harmless. BUT I do not know anyone who would take that chance. Since this is your partners father and I am assuming that it is his house as well, there is probably not at lot you can do about "banning" him from there. I have a lot of issues w/my MIL (we won't go there )and I would love to ban her from here forever, but that is just not possible.
Just watch him like a hawk and the next repulsive comment he makes, I would let him know right there and then that you will not have those type of things said to your daughter. And let it be known that it also goes with your baby boy as well. With this being your partner's father, he has mre than likely heard these types of comments his whole life and has just learned to live with it. Or probably does not see any harm in a "little comment". Be patient with him and try your hardest not to be angry because he is not offended. It has probably just been a way of life that only he knows.
Keep us posted on how things go.
Kim
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......and that's all I have to say about that.......
Hi and thanks again for the replies.......Dont worry my baby slept in bed with us this weekend just gone and I have no intention of having that man sleep in my home again......I do also plan on saying something to my FIL the next time I see him, which I presume will be after my son is born. You are right about not liking that type of talk around myself either...It made me feel VERY uncomfortable....I think your right about my partner being used to it, well not necesarily use to them particular type of comments, but just the way his father is in general...I can not even add up the amount of arguments we have had in the past yr since my baby girl was born about his father.....I think my partner feels obligated towards him as his mother passed away about 3.5 yrs ago......Well I always ended up backing down to a certain degree about him coming to stay....But I think my partner knows I mean business NOW .....I said to him last night how would you feel or react if it was MY father or one of my brothers who had made that comment to Haley???? I have never ever been rude to my FIL, but will have no qualms in telling him what I think now......Anyway thanks again for the replies
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DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004
Well thought I would add an update, I spoke to my partners sister on the phone this morning and also his niece popped in here today to drop off some baby clothes......The sister didnt really have a lot to say other than I have every right to not have him sleeping in my house...She was pretty non-committal about the whole thing, which I kind of expected considering he is HER father.Anyway my partners niece had a lot more to say...She said that my FIL had always been crude in the way he speaks, but she had never heard him direct it at children...She was so upset by it and totally stands behind me in this awful situation...Now my partner is a different kettle of fish. I told him I had told his niece the situation and he went completely berserk at me He said well thats *********** great, now the whole family is going to know about.....and how I had no right to say anything and that it should have been kept to ourselves...LIKE HELL ! I told my partner Im not covering his fathers ***......I wanted his niece to know as she has young children and so do other members of the family. I think they have a right to know. I am just so upset, I cant help but feel he is defending his father not only again me but against his own bloody daughter...I dont care how old and lonely his father is, I dont have to put up with that **** around my children......I really dont need this stress right now when I am only 2 weeks away from giving birth All my partner keeps saying to me over and over is " well I didnt hear him say it " I asked him are you calling me a liar, and he said NO, but what else am I supposed to think when he constantly says he didnt hear it....Does that mean to him that it didnt happen ? I really really HATE his father now, and not only NOT want him staying over here, but I dont want him here AT ALL EVER AGAIN ! He is just a rude, crude, disgusting domineering always right old man.....and I cant see why I should have to put up with it !!!!!!!! Man Im sorry for going on , but I just need to vent and the only way I can do that right now is by typing these words I honestly believe that old ******* has it in for me because he knows I dont like him coming here to stay and I know he is aware he wont be welcome to stay especially when I have 2 babies to look after...Its just so hard not having the support or back up of my partner in this...I know its difficult for him as this is his father, but it doesnt change the fact that he made them sick disgusting remarks to his 1 yr old baby daughter WETHER HE HEARD THEM OR NOT ! Anyway I really need to go and TRY and rest or I will send myself into premature labour Thanks in advance for anyone that replies and to those that already have.
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DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004
Is there a possibility that your husband may have been abused by his father?his reaction to this just does not seem right to me.This could be a case of a really big reality being thrust into the forefront.i just don't think that your husbands reaction to all of this is the right way,do you know what i mean?i would never ever let your children be alone with your FIL,what an absolute pig.i would try and find out from other relatives about his past behavior.There is a really HUGE possibility that this man has actually molested children at some point in time.his comments to a one year old girl were just soooo beyond the norm.No normal man 'jokes" like that.i wish you luck with this whole nightmare you are dealing with.i think at some point,you need to find out just how the relationship between your partner and his father was way back when.I will say a prayer for you.try and take it easy (if you can).Marcia
I agree with what Marcia wrote. Your partner's reaction to what his father said, doesn't seem right. I even asked my husband about it, and my husband said that if his father, or anyone else ever said something like that to me, or our children, he would NEVER allow them near us, etc. It's just sick and wrong for an old man to say something like that to a child. My step sister was molested by her grandfather when she was a child, and her and her mother never said anything about it to her dad (my stepdad) and 20 years later when she's all grown up and found out about it, he felt really horrible. (they had been living with the grandparents when that happened.) I really think this is more common than people think, and I would REALLY be talking to my partner seriously about this, and questioning why he doesn't seem concerned or doesn't seem to believe you.
I'm sorry you're so stressed out. Take it easy and relax,
God Bless.
It does seem weird that your DH is more concerned about everyone knowing about it, than doing something about it in the first place. Goodluck with it all, I do think your FIL needs to be told his behavior will NOT be tolerated and because of it you prefer that he no longer spends the nights, and also if he speaks this way again he will be banned from visiting alltogether. He may need to be reminded about what behaviour you mean, because from the sounds of it, this is normal behaviour for him. Explain to him that the things he has been saying to your 1 year old are inappropriate and I would quote him too. There is joking, and there is being inapropriate and his topics of discussion would NOT be considered funny in this situation. I think even if he doesn't ask for an explanation I would explain it just so there is no confusion. And try not to stress over this (as hard as that may be)you need to think about your health and the baby you are carrying. Goodluck. keep us posted on this situation and the new baby too.
Last edited by kierrasmommy; 10-18-2004 at 09:14 AM.
Hi again and thanks for the replies.....I think what some of you said about my partners reaction not being normal is absolutely right ! I dont think he was sexually abused by his father, but I think there has definately been some kind of physical abuse...Another comment my FIL made over the weekend to my baby was that if her nanna was still alive she would be getting a bloody good smacking this was because my baby was tipping her toast off of her plate mind you ! I thought to myself, yeah over my dead body mate that your bloody dead wife would lay a hand on my daughter if she was alive...I questioned my partner that night as to wether he had been smacked as a child ( we had never really talked about it ) and he said that his mother use to whip him with the cord off of the iron...He has also mentioned that his father was heavy handed with him, and that when he was 14 he fought back and beat his father up...So yes I think there is a lot of issues I dont know about...They are from a big family 7 kids in total and I know the parents werent there a lot of the time... so who knows what they all really went through ???? Im just so stressed about all of this Not so much about the FIL now because as far as I am concerned that is a closed case, he no longer has access to my home OR my children...I am more concerned about my partners reaction to this or should I say LACK OF REACTION ! Im expecting a phone call from his niece today, so maybe I may find out a bit more about everything....I really felt like ringing his father yesterday and letting rip into him, but Im patient, I will wait till the next time the old coot wants to come stay and if my partner doesnt have the balls to say NO, then I will get on the phone and tell him...I am also ready for the next time he just visits, one word out of place and I will be showing him the door immediately...Anyway thanks for the replies, must go give my baby her brekkie Will keep you all posted....
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DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004
Hi I think That you are right. This is no way to talk to you or any of your kids. Yuck!! I want you to know that I will be thinking of you, and wishing you well. Cindy
Haley's Mom - I was curious as to what you meant by problems in the pregnancy forum so I thought I would stop by. I cannot believe that your FIL would make those comments. I agree with all the other posters that no normal man makes those comments and your DH's reaction to it is disturbing quite frankly; you would expect him to be more protective of his daughter.. You have every right do to what is necessary to protect both of your children from that man and so what if other family members knows about it.. It sounds that your DH may have been abused in some form by his parents..As you have already said, just lay the ground rules down with FIL, keep your eyes on FIL, his hands and your children at all times, and when Haley and Adam get old enough street proof them regarding strangers and family members. As for your DH...you need to be clear with him as well.. and I would talk with him about his lack of concern for the well being of your daughter... and he would wonder why you have trust issues with him watching Haley..
I know this has to be extremely difficult for you as you only have a couple weeks before Adam is born. You shouldnt have to deal with something like this now and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. However, I do think it is far better that these inappropriate comments and reactions (or lack of) happened now before someone got hurt. You can now make decisions on how to best protect your children before it is too late. I think you are a great mom and really you are doing everything you need to, to protect you kids from harm. Please keep me posted!!
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Shannon
Married DH - February 10, 2004 DD Avery Born - November 23, 2004
Hi, You have every right to think and feel the way you do about this. Frankly I am a little suprized that your partner isn't equally as appalled by his father's behavior. Sometimes, and I am not saying always, but sometimes it is because the child of a parent that acts and talks like this is so use to this behavior that they see nothing wrong with it. My children were molested by a man that I lived with. I would have never thought in my wildest dreams that he could even think of doing this. He stood up for other children when they were being hurt. After we put him in prision for 20 years (he just got out this year) my children and I went to theripy. I was told that men that molest children often are the ones that are the most addimitely against this kind of behavior. Also that sometime when children grow up in a home with a molestor or pidophile (even if they were never touched) still see nothing wrong with the actions of the ofender.
An example of this was in my life on a different plain. My first husband's father cheated on his mother. My husband saw nothing wrong with this. That should have been my first clue. But I thought that we had the same ideas about marriage. He had many affairs starting soon after we were married. I was married for 7 years before I found out. Our sex was great and nearly every night. So my thinking was, he couldn't be cheating, where would he find the time or energy. When I caught him he told me that he was just good at covering his track...hahahaha. I found nothing funny in that statement. But the point is, keep the his father away from your children and watch your partner.
Any time an adult thinks that it is ok to touch a child or even talk to a child in this manor is not a good thing. You have every right to be worried and mad. I was stupid and didn't know the warning sign of a child molester and my three children suffered because of my lack of knowledge. There were signs, I just didn't see them, because I didn't know what they were. This indifferance to his father's behavior is a sign for you. You do what you need to to do. The father is out right sick, I don't know about your partner, but he should see the sickness that his father is talking. If I can be of any help what so ever let me know.
I am sorry if I have said too much. But the things that were done to my 9 year old daughter took her childhood from her. Today she has two children of her own. She knows that she did nothing wrong, but it changed her life forever. She is still 20 years later dealing with the mental problems long after the phyical part healed.
When I found out what he was doing I took my kids and ran to another state. While we went through the legal channels of getting him arrested and put in jail, he moved another women with a baby girl and little boy. It the two months that it took before the state where he lived arrested him, he had already started molesting both of her children. She wouldn't prosecute because she was afraid that her ex would take her kids from her. Sorry again for the length and strength of this letter. I just feel very passionate about this subject. good luck to you and stick to your guns. Vicki
Haley's Mom, I only read the first page of your BB tread when I wrote my first post a couple of minutes ago. You have been getting good advice from all. You ARE doing a good job. Again I am sorry if I came on a little strong. This is just a subject that hit way to close to my heart. Keep us posted...vicki
Hi Vicki, no need to apologise I also feel very strongly about this....BOTH of my grandfathers were pedophiles, but lucky for me only one of them got to me.....I definately think the lack of reaction of my partners part is that he and his siblings are just use to his foul mouth....I hope and pray that they werent touched up and its being covered up...I would go completely off of my face....they have been allowing that man to stay in their homes where this is children around...There has definately been abuse I think, but more physical, my partner told me both his parents were a little heavy handed.....Anyway like I already said I WILL NOT be having that man stay over in my home again......I even told my mother on the phone the other day I dont want to see him AT ALL ! My mum said well on the day he is going to come for a visit pack the kids up in the car and come up here...I think I will probably do that as I dont totally trust myself not to go off my face at him...Im so sorry for what you have had to go through.....My ex also touched up my 18 yr old son when he was younger from about 13 and also my little brother, he is now 20.....The ******* was never proscecuted as when it all came out the boys were 16 and 18 and didnt want to charge him ( they were scared ) and I was told by the police that I couldnt do it myself without them having the statements from the boys...So that animal is still walking the streets.......I hope that my son will one day change his mind, the police told me that it has been noted on file and that my son has 5 yrs from then to press charges, which I do still talk to him about, so hopefully he will change his mind......Anyway thanks for being so open with me...Will keep everyone updated on the situation
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DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004
ASTW thanks a lot for replying...Now you know what I meant that it wasnt appropriate to mention this situation on the pregnancy board...Your right at least I have had warning signs BEFORE anything could happen....But because of my past I am constantly ON GUARD anyway.....I really dont trust anyone, which is an issue I have to deal with I guess......I never ever realised how prevalent child abuse is...I mean I knew it happened, but it seems that every second family has been touched by it in some form....What a dispicable (sp ) world we live in really I just feel like I have the weight of the world on me right now I know a big part of it is being sooooo pregnant and huge LOL but I really dont need all this added stress.....It seems my partner lives in a world of his own half the time....I really dont know how to deal with him at the moment, and am not going to even try YET ! But in the future when I have recovered from pregnancy and hopefully get into a routine with my babies, I will be demanding councelling I think.....( for both of us ) Anyway thanks again for replying and Im so glad your hubby started on the basement
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DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004
literally!!! I would have had the same reaction as you, I find that kind of talk misappropriate too, I was abused when I was a child too, and I totally know where you are coming from about being sensitive to things and very protective. But I think I would still find it misappropriate even if I wasn't a molestation survivor. There is joking and there is going over the line. If it were me I would tell my DH either he sets things straight and tells his father that is unacceptable 
or I will put a stop to it myself and it won't be pretty 
...which he and his father wouldn't like near as much. Goodluck.
)and I would love to ban her from here forever, but that is just not possible.
He said well thats *********** great, now the whole family is going to know about.....and how I had no right to say anything and that it should have been kept to ourselves...LIKE HELL ! I told my partner Im not covering his fathers ***......I wanted his niece to know as she has young children and so do other members of the family. I think they have a right to know. I am just so upset, I cant help but feel he is defending his father not only again me but against his own bloody daughter...I dont care how old and lonely his father is, I dont have to put up with that **** around my children......I really dont need this stress right now when I am only 2 weeks away from giving birth 
All my partner keeps saying to me over and over is " well I didnt hear him say it " I asked him are you calling me a liar, and he said NO, but what else am I supposed to think when he constantly says he didnt hear it....Does that mean to him that it didnt happen ? I really really HATE his father now, and not only NOT want him staying over here, but I dont want him here AT ALL EVER AGAIN ! He is just a rude, crude, disgusting domineering always right old man.....and I cant see why I should have to put up with it !!!!!!!! Man Im sorry for going on , but I just need to vent and the only way I can do that right now is by typing these words 
DD Avery Born - November 23, 2004
