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Old 10-20-2004, 03:34 PM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma-USA
Posts: 561
Ksavage HB User
Wink Just Venting!

History:
married 8 years (very happy)
22 month old daughter- bor 8 weeks early spent 6 weeks in thr NICU
I am a stay at home mom
My Mother lives in Florida, we are in Oklahoma
My Dad lives 45 minutes away & an alcoholic,as is his wife
Mother in law is 20 minutes away & she is annoying & dirty

OK...Now that you know all of that I just have to get some things off of my chest before DH gets home and gets blasted.

My Dad loves my daughter very much. He shows an interest in everything she does. His wife is about the same. BUT the only time they see her is if we drive to their house to visit. And it has to be during the week after my husband gets off of work at 6:00 PM. They have a place at the lake wich is 2.5 hours away from our house and they spend every weekend there. NO MATTER WHAT! They have been to my house 2 times since December of last year. They have spent a total of about 40 minutes here and that is combining both visits.

I call and invite them to our house once a week and they allways say they have too many things to do. I have given them a weeks notice and have also called at the last minute. On Sunday we were going to go feed the ducks at a park that is about 1/2 way between our houses. I called 2 hours in advance and said " Hey what are you guys doing?" he said "we are just looking for a movie to watch" I said "well, we are going to take Riley to the park to feed the ducks, wanna meet us there & then maybe grab some lunch" he said "no...we have too many things to do today" I said "OK...I just wanted to call & see, talk to you later" then I hung up.

I called again a minute ago to see if they wanted to come out tonight to have steaks and once again they are too busy. My Dad is a retired fireman and he literally does NOTHING during the day. I have called to see if just he wanted to do something with us & he never wants to.

This is not new to me, as he has never been involved with me since birth. He and my Mom were married until I was 22 years old. She was basically a mother and father to me. And not a very nice one because she was allways so angry with my dad because he was never home to help out. He allways went to work, but as a fireman he only worked 8-10 days a month. On his days off he spent either fishing, or at the bar. Why she stayed married to him is beyond me.

My mom is also remarried to a really good guy and they have moved to Florida. She seem to finally be happy and she truely deserves that. Even though we really do not have a very good realationship. SHe is still my Mom & I love her.

I am just upset that my daughter is missing out when it comes to having a good grandparent she can spend time with. I never had that & I really wish I would have had that chance.

As a family, we do lots of fun stuff together and spend time together and she could not ask for a better Daddy. I know that she is very lucky, as there are a lot of children that do not have that stability in their lives. So I feel a bit silly about being so angry about the grandparent thing.

My Mom has a best friend that lives by my Father and we meet with her about once a week and have lunch and then she allways wants to go back to her house because she has bought something for Riley, or she just wants to get in the floor and play with her. This woman has 6 grandchildren of her own and treats Riley just like she does the others. I sooooo love her for that.

But it is MY family that I want to have that same kind of feeling for her. They did not come to her 1st birthday and I am still hurt over that. & I know that it is them that are missing out on her life, but that does not make me feel any better.

I just want to understand what their problem is. & YEP....I have sat them down to talk about my feelings and they tell me that I am being silly. I should just understand that they have a life to and they just can't drop everything when I call & ask them to do something.

I continue to call, because someone has to make an effort & if I did not do it then NOBODY would do it. Like today when I called to see if they wanted to come over and cook out steaks......It is a darn good thing he said no (I knew he would) because WE HAVE NO STEAKS THAWD OUT FOR DINNER! I AM NOT EVEN COOKING DINNER! But if he would have said yes I would have gladly gone to the place I hate the most....WALMART....and bought stuff for dinner.

And about him being an alcoholic (his wife too), he is a "functioning alcoholic", but drinks beer on a daily basis. He does not leave the house without an ice chest in the back of his truck stocked and ready for a party. I have wondered of they do not come out here because of the whole drinking and driving issue, but that is not an issue for them. The do it almost everyday! VERY SCARY! I think they my have had their feelings hurt because there was an incident where I had to have surgery and I had a friend keep my daughter for the day until my husband could go pick her up. Well, my Dad wanted to keep her, but I said no, that I had already made other arangements. I WILL NOT leave my daughter alone with them. They do not watch her when she IS around them. We were at the lake and I went to take a shower & when I came into the living room, Riley was sitting in the floor and had gotten into some cigerettes and was EATING THEM. His wife was sitting right in front of her & I had to get the cigerettes out of my daughter's mouth. His wife just laughed and said "that caould'nt taste very good". I just looked at her and said "way to go GRANDMA"!

OK....I think I am better now that some of this is off my chest & I won't have to put my husband through the agony of hearing me gripe about this for the millionth time!

Thanks for being here guys!
Big hugs to ya!
Kim
__________________
......and that's all I have to say about that.......

 
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Old 10-20-2004, 03:53 PM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,006
Ratatosk HB UserRatatosk HB User
Re: Just Venting!

Because they are alcoholics they probably don't want to come to you because they're afraid they'll get picked up. DH has an aunt who lives in a small community and won't consider moving to live close to her grandkids or sisters 'cuz she says she knows all the cops in town and knows the best route to get home.

By coming to visit you, they run the risk of driving under the influence, getting caught and not being able to talk their way out of it. Aren't families fun! All you can do is keep trying. Coworkers FIL is the same -- but is a mean drunk and has ruined many a family gathering and rarely participated in family gatherings. She was absolutely shocked last Xmas eve when FIL and wife stopped by with presents and to visit. Thinks he had a change of heart and realized what he was missing out on

 
Old 10-20-2004, 05:54 PM   #3
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Chrissi HB User
Re: Just Venting!

hi Kim-- that is so unfortunate about your family...they will regret it someday.
my step dad (who raised me, if can call it that) drank all the while i was growing up but now he doesnt as much, since him and my mom divorced that is...and i think he just got remarried (he lives 10 mins away and i have no idea if he is married or not, that should say something) he comes over sometimes, stay a few mins, drops a gift off for my DD and leaves.
he is about to move my 17 year old brother about an hour and a half away from me, my mother and all the rest of the family...it is sad. me and my brother have always been pretty close.
i guess other than that though my DD does have alot of grandparents who love her and spend a good deal of time with her...my mother ecpessially and even my MIL but she (mil) drinks sometimes too and seems to be developing a gambling problem...so that is touch and go most of the time.
then my real dad seems to show alot of intrest, he just threw a 1st b day party for Autumn (DD)
but we have to have seprate parties because all the ex's involved (the wedding was really intresting) with the one party my mom threw for Autumn my step dad dropped off his gift the night before and didnt bother to show up to the party...that hurt me a little because i knew he was just off spending time with his "new family"
i guess everyone has some hard feelings when it comes to family...
i have to say, it does feel good to get that all out
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Married:7-18-2004
DD Born:10-13-2003
DS Born: 5-04-2005

Last edited by Chrissi; 10-20-2004 at 05:55 PM.

 
Old 10-20-2004, 07:44 PM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,538
kierrasmommy HB User
Re: Just Venting!

I know what you mean. My DH has 2 brothers that live within a 1/2 hour from us that we see once or twice a year if we are lucky. My parents live about 4 1/2 hours away so we don't get to see them as often as I would like but my daughter likes to talk on the phone, so she still gets some time to bond with them, they love talking to her too. Before we started TTC I was sad because both my parents were alcoholics and I knew they wouldn't be much of grandparents...all they wanted to do was drink, not do grandparently bonding things. Shortly after that the Dr's told my Dad if he continued drinking he would be dead within 6 months, he quit cold turkey. My Mom is still a closet drinker (she hides it thinking we don't know) and goes through stages where she won't drink for a bit then binges until she gets bronchitus from her weakened immune sytem...apparently alcohol does nothing for your immune system...go figure! My DH's Mom and stepdad live about 8 hours away so we see them once every couple years, and talk to them a few times a year...we just went to visit them recently and it was nice, my MIL actually took our daughter for a walk and watched her so I could have a rest one night while my husband helped build a garden shed, and she was playing with her and seemed to have fun with her. My husbands father and stepmother live about 13 hours from here and isn't close with my husband...my husbands choice...His Dad didn't want to spend time with them growing up, same idea like you mentioned, if he wasn't at work he was out with the guys at a bar. The last few years I see his Dad making efforts, like calling on his birthday, and coming to my husbands brothers house, but my husband wants nothing to do with it. I was kinda peed off too, they came right before I had our daughter and came to see me in the hospital (I was in for 6 days with preterm labor) Then the following year they came because his stepmother had to fly out to see her sick mother but my DH's Dad was supposed to wait to see us before going home, the next day I called to set up meeting with him so he could meet his granddaughter for the first time and he left! They actually were just here last month an they both finally got to meet her for the first time...she turned 2 in August!
Sometimes I regret not having the gradparents more involved and close enough to BE involved. But other times I am glad to have the space...my Mom and I can't be together for more than a weekend at a time, I love her dearly, but she is high strung and tends to cause a lot more stress than what it's worth. She just recently went on antidepressants for menopause so hopefully that will solve the problem.
What I would say is stop inviting them...a friend of mine does this every now and then and has good results...she lives 2 hours away and found after she moved people stopped calling her and visiting her due to the distance...she was always calling everyone and going out of her way to visit them...she stopped calling and visiting and eventually everyone got the point. Or tell them straight out, you want grandparents who want to be a part of your daughters life, they need to look at their priorities and if being a grandparent from time to time on a regular basis is not on thier list then they need to reevaluate just how much they value thier granddaughter. Because it's not them that are missing out, it's the poor little girl who doesn't know any better. Your daughter will only be young once, and they don't have forever, eventually age will no longer be on thier side.
Goodluck, but keep in mind, and be prepared...sometimes the most important thing to an alcoholic is their bottle...I know.. it almost came down to me dis-owning them because of the stress their drinking was causing me...I put up with it growing up and had had enough of it. All I need are my kids, my husband and my friends, the family that wants to be a part of our lives is icing on the cake.

 
Old 10-24-2004, 04:11 PM   #5
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma-USA
Posts: 561
Ksavage HB User
Re: Just Venting!

My husband went hunting with my dad yesterday. They left at 4 AM and my husband dropped my dad off at his house at 8:45 last night. Then my husband was home by about 9:30. Well, today they did the same thing. Husband left around 4 AM and my dads wife called me about 10 AM to see if Riley & I wanted to come over to their house and ear dinner with them tonight when the guys got back from hunting, and then we could spend the night over there since my husband took off of work tomorrow to go hunting. SHe said it would be easier for us if we just spent the night over there tonight & that way Mark would not have to get up and leave as early. He would be closer to the hunting lease.? WHATEVER! It sure would be closer for him and if that is what he wants to do, that is OK with me. But why would Riley & I want to sit at their house all day tomorrow BY OURSELVES? SHe will be at work and the guys will be hunting all day? & On top of that, the earliest they will even be at my Dad's house for dinner tonight is 8:45 PM. I have a 2 year old that has dinner everynight no later than 6:30 and then a snack a little later, then bath & bed. When I explained this to her she said, welP....just tell her that for this 1 night she will have to wait a little loger for dinner. (she thinks you can reason w/a 2 year old)

YES.....I could feed Riley something else at her normal dinner time and could make provissions, BUT WHY? All this woman is going to do is sit out in the front yard in her lawn chair with her dog with her feet proped up on the ice chest, waiting for the guys to get home.

It just annoys me to know end. All they have to do is sit around and drink. The only thing my dad does is hunt, fish, go to the lake house, and sit in his chair all day. His wife goes to work everyday, and then she follows him around when she is at home. If he goes hunting, she just sits in the front yard as if the world revolves around him. She just wants us to come over so she will have someone to "mope" with her. NOT ME SISTER! I'm goin' to the mall!

Needless to say, we are not going over there, but at least she can say....."she made her effort".

OhhhhhWELLL!
Thanks guys!
__________________
......and that's all I have to say about that.......

 
Old 10-25-2004, 09:45 PM   #6
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myladyshyanne HB User
Re: Just Venting!

I feel for you. We have people like that in our family also. It's sad, but I know in my heart it's for the better. My parents live 1/4 mile away (I wish it was 1/4 of a country). My mom see's my kids once in a while, dad-he see's them once every few months. Which is fine. I had to throw him out of my house one time when he stopped by-he started verbally abusing my 5 year old-telling him he was stupid. I flat out told my dad he could apologize and shut up, or he could get out of my house. He said he wasn't apologizing-because he wasn't sorry. I told him he was an A double s and to leave. And he left. He's not going to hurt my kids, like he hurt me. It's just not going to happen.

Also, I have a sister that lives about 3 miles away. She visits about 3 times a year. I think part of that is because she smokes so much- and I won't allow any one to smoke in my house. She likes visiting with us, but she always wants us to come to her house.

I grew up not really knowing my grandparents to much. I think I've seen my dads mom about 8 or less times in my whole life (27 yrs). I remember, when I was a kid, my dad took me and two of my brothers over to her house. Grandma started yelling and calling filthy names-saying I dyed my hair. When I tried telling her I didn't-that it was from hard country water- she called me a liar, and made me sit and watch my dad and brothers eat cake. I wasn't allowed any. Thats okay though-the joke was on them! Grandma ALWAYS forgets ingredients (you wouldn't believe the stories I've heard!!! One time she took the gut stuff from a pumpkin,slapped it in a pie shell and cooked it.....walah-pumpkin pie...LOL). I never met my dads dad. My moms parents, I didn't really know either. My dad never really let us go around them. But, I remember how hurt I was one time when we did go see them. My second cousin-who lived next door to g-ma&g-pa came over, and my g-pa went back to the pond fishing with him. Didn't pay any attention to us at all. No matter how much I tried to get him to talk to me, or spend time with me-he just didn't want to. He just would rather have been fishing. And I think that rejection-the face to face- hurt more than any that could have been hidden. Grandma just sat in the house talking about how wonderful my second cousins were. We got to look through photo albums filled with their pictures. Ours pictures were "put up" in a manilla envelope on a shelf. Kids aren't dumb-they sense the rejection. Gosh- what a crappy depressing life! I tell ya, the more I think of my childhood, the more I realize that us kids really had NO one stable to lean on.

Sometimes, it's better to not push the issue. Forcing the issue will hurt more than letting daughter go without g-parents attention (my opinion only ) . The best grandparents- are the one's who want to be grandparents. And just like any fertile dope can be a mother or father, any one with fertile kids can be a grandparent. It takes a special person to be a meemaw or a pawpaw though. And those special people don't have to be related by blood .

Thanks,
ladyshy

 
Old 10-26-2004, 08:34 PM   #7
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Ksavage HB User
Re: Just Venting!

Good point Lady! The best friends we have are not blood and I would not trade them for the world. I can't say that about most of my family. I guess that is why I cherish them so very much. I think I need to tell them how much I appreciate them & what they mean to us.

How in the you know what are we not in some backwoods mental institution & locked up for life? I guess God has made strong women for a reason HUH!

I have read over some of the threads I have been on lately & it sure does seem like I am having one heck of a pitty party for myself! I really hate that too. It is just that I let things build and build and then I have to explode. & I just decided to explode at you guys! Thanks so much for being here for me and for being so open yourself. It really helps to work out your problems with other friends that don't look down at you for your situation. & It really helps for your friends to understand what I am going through if they are also able to let me listen to their situations. Let's face it.....we all have them, some of us are just more willing than others to admit we are a bit nutzo!

Thanks again!

Kim
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......and that's all I have to say about that.......

 
Old 10-27-2004, 06:33 AM   #8
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Kimianne HB User
Re: Just Venting!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ksavage
I have read over some of the threads I have been on lately & it sure does seem like I am having one heck of a pitty party for myself!
Kim
Hi Kim:

Don't ever feel like that- venting and opening up is what the boards are for.
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Kimi
Life is a gift. Your loved ones are the benefits.
Respect them both and you will reap the rewards.

 
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