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Old 10-29-2004, 06:33 PM   #1
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when your mother is your childs grandparent!

ok so here is the story....
my mother and i get along good...we see eachother alot and generally dont fight about anything, until yesterday.

we were trying to dress my 1 yr old daughter for "trick or treat" and we painted wiskers on her face (a bunny) and she was smearing them so we decided to take them off. well i got the rag and soap and was trying to hold her down and get them off before she rubbed the soap in her eyes, i got a little frustrated while trying to do this cause she was trying to get up and crying and trying to rub her face, so i did have to get a little forceful with her, well then all the sudden my mother rips the rag out of my hand and says "you dont have to be mean to her cause you are in a bad mood!!!"

i got mad, stood up and dropped the soap at her feet....i went through my house (VERY ANGRY) and went into my bedroom when mom cleaned her face off she said "come get her i am leaving" she was going to go treating with us.....so i just went alone instead...but she hasnt tried calling today or anything (not like us not to talk daily)

i dont feel i am the one who needs to apologize, i feel she shouldnt have "butted in" it really hurt me that she did that, and it made me feel like a terrible mother...after she left i just folded clothes in my room and cried till we went treating.
i also fear that when my daughter gets older (if this continues) that she will veiw me as a bad mother (like i am always doing things wrong) and see my mother (her grandma) as the hero.....

so anyway am i not seeing something, was this really my fault?
sorry so long, thanks for reading.
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Last edited by Chrissi; 10-29-2004 at 06:35 PM.

 
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Old 10-29-2004, 06:50 PM   #2
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

Here's my view....my does this EVERYTIME I see her! First of all a grandmother loves her grandchildren more than her own kids. It's ok if your mom wanted to come to the aid of your daughter. What's the harm. Maybe you were being a bit too much even though you didn't think you were. Dropping the soap at her feet was a bit childish on your part. Anyhoo.....two wrongs don't make a right. I don't think she was butting in and if you "feel" like she was making you look like a bad mom then YOU need to get over than. I seriously doubt she thinks your a bad mom. She probaby knows when you need a break and maybe...just maybe she was trying to help you at the same time. I think your jumping the gun on this one. Its not worth something so petty to make you and your mom feel bad. Who says you have to apoligize? Just call her and say "hey, whatcha doing?" and see how she handles it from there. Allow your mom to be a "hero" once in a while. I gaurentee you that your daughter will NEVER look at you like your a bad mother. Grandma's are supposed to be better then mommy's anyway. My children are 4,3,3 so I have lots of experience with the whole grandma thing. My kids still want their mommy even though grandma buys them chocolate milk and donuts instead of lunch. It'll be ok. Your mom won't be around forever. let her have her time while she can. Vent to us anytime. GOod luck

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:01 PM   #3
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

i realize droping the soap at ther feet was a bit childish but so was ripping (litterally) the rag from my hand on her part....

i definatly feel like she was butting in...and shouldnt have scolded (litterally she yelled at me) me and treated me like a child....i dont know, she did make me feel like a bad mom wether she meant to or not (that is hard to just get over) i spend alot of time with my DD and i love her dearly, i guess i take it very seriously when i am treated like that.

it just really hurt me.
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Old 10-29-2004, 07:20 PM   #4
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

I agree that ripping it out of your hand was not good. It would have ticked me off seriously too. Maybe she was in a crappy mood? I don't know but it's not worth it. She should just drop the whole thing and so should you. If anything, just let her know that you didn't like that she repremanded you in front of your child. She is STILL your mother.......that's how my mom looks at it. My mother thinks that gives her a right to rule me over my children. My mom has ticked me off so bad I have let her out of my van and told her that she could walk back if she didn't quit what she was doing. She is so negative and I hate that being around my kids. When she tries to degrade me in front of my kids I turn evil. She doesn't do that much anymore because I put my foot down. She will step in and say "don't yell at those babies" and I tell her "well.....when your with them 24/7 then you can tell me not to yell at them" end of discussion. Your mother raised you to be a great mother right? I don't know how old your daughter is but I'm sure many many many occasions are going to come up where people are going to make you feel like you don't know what your doing. It aggrevates me because I know I am an awesome mom and I just say blow it off. Example.....I don't let my kids play in dirt......My friend lets her kids so she tries to make me feel like I am a bad mom because of it.....Oh well...her kids can have ring worms and look like hoodlums hehehe Don't ruin your relationship with your mother. IF something were to happen to one of you then you'd realize how dumb all of this was. So go to her house and rip something out of her hand and tell her your even and hug her!

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:33 PM   #5
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

lol thank you for replying so fast...i think i will let her cool for a day or two, but i too just kinda want to "put my foot down" before this becomes an everyday event.
and i think i will let her call me or visit me, she lives with my uncle and he can be quite "cold" at times and he saw the whole scene and i am not in the mood for his "cold shoulder" crap frankly.

and about kids playing in the dirt...yuck, i dont blame you, on top of all the stuff you named dirt is also loaded with lead!!!! talk about at risk for lead poisoning! i know "a little dirt wont hurt" but yikes! not my DD either!

and by the way my DD is 1 yrs old.
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Last edited by Chrissi; 10-29-2004 at 07:34 PM.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 07:44 PM   #6
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

By letting your mom do her own thing for a few days she will realize that you are serious too. That's usually how my mom realizes that I'm serious about something. Then she will call me and act like nothings happend. She has NEVER in my whole life said she was sorry.....I teach my children that so they don't turn out like her. I went to my mom's house a few weeks ago and I bough stuff to make a big lasagna which I know she was looking forward to but then she started to get an attitude toward my kids and getting on their case...There isn't anything to play with at her house. So after about ten minutes I said "I'm going to leave" and she said "why?" I said "because you have an attitude and I don't like you yelling at my kids" so I went to the fridge to get the food and she was so irrate!!! She said "OMG, you need therapy" I said "why because I won't put up with you being nasty to my kids" So I left and of course the next day she called like nothing was the matter...but I can tell you this....if I ever go to her house she will watch her tone with my kids..haha I guess we have to put ourselves in their shoes...what will we do after years and years of raising our kids and then when they become mothers what will we do? You know it's going to be hard to not try to help or think we are. My twins are girls. Especially thinking that we are good mothers.

 
Old 10-29-2004, 08:27 PM   #7
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

Chrissi, this could've happened to me! My mom and I are the SAME way!!! Just letting you know it's common.

I still feel like my mother is nagging me and natural reaction is to be defensive, and yes, childish when they are treating you like a child.

I'm sure it will blow over in no time since you have a good relationship! My mom is the same way (won't call, etc) and it never lasts too long.
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Old 10-29-2004, 10:40 PM   #8
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

It could really go both ways. I know that my own mother can be very controlling and I am frustrated about it often. I also know that my mother has more patience than I do and can give me an honest view of things. I am smack in the middle of raising 4 kids so I have to admit that I have over reacted before. My mom will point out to me when I am going beyond a healthy reaction.

Apologies have really nothing to do with the person you are apologizing to. It releases you from anger and opens a way for the two of you to discuss what happened. She could benefit from hearing how you feel and vice versa.

I would call her up and ask her over to visit. I would let her know that you are sorry for anything that you might have done wrong, it's hard to judge what that might have been not being in the situation myself, and that you want to talk to her about how it made you feel. Then you can give her the same respect. Good luck
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Old 10-30-2004, 04:29 AM   #9
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

My mother does this also, i can't tell my kids what to do at all when she is around. Don't yell at them she says (when i'm not), she came home with bags of candy from a work picnic she took them too, so when they got home it was right before supper and knowing they had eaten nothing but junk that day i took it away and said no more untill you have your supper, her responce was stop yelling at them (i wasn't, i was talking nicely), they didn't eat much candy today etc (ya, you should have seen the wrappers i pulled out of their pockets), so when if she wasn't there they would have just given it to me without a word of complaint it started a huge fight, my son said that we were taking it because we wanted to eat it (We've never taken anything that belongs to them), and he started crying and throwing a fit. When she's around i can't say anything to them, i guess kids should be alowed to stuff their faces with junk food, yell, scream, fight, play loudy, make a mess etc, i must be doing everything wrong, lol.
I think the worst was the year my son wanted just money for his bday so that he could pick out exactly what he wanted, she accused me of doing that so i could take it from him, if she had been in the room with me i would have slapped her...not only have i never taken any money, candy etc that belongs to him, she used to do that when i was little, i remember one year at the end of the school year my dad sent all of us money (me and 2 brothers) and she let us pick out some treats at the store and took the rest, i think she just thinks i'm going to make all the mistakes she did when i was growing up.
I don't really know what advise to give you, if she's a good grandma to your daugter i'd try not to discourage that, but her putting you down in front of your daughter is not good. I can tell you from experience it will cause problems when your daughter is older, i go through it with my kids now, Nanny lets them do whatever they want and will buy them whatever they want and every time i tell them no i'm just being mean to them, like i said my mother thinks the kids should be alowed to run wild, growing up i was never really punished for anything, it's amazing me or my brothers never turned into criminols or anthing with all the freedom we were given...esp them, i had a bit more restrictions because i was a girl and the youngest.
Just hang in there and ask your mother to keep her comments to herself, she can think whatever she wants, but she is not to express those feelings when your daughter is around.

 
Old 10-30-2004, 12:52 PM   #10
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

thanks to everyone who replied...i guess in my case this is just the beggining of mother vs. grandmother....

i am pregnant right now (about 10 weeks) and i happen to be very sensitive at the time but i know it is the hormones....i do still feel like she should let me be the parent and she should be the grandparent...

i was frustrated with my DD that night but i was not hurting her, she was just mad that i had to hold her down, she is only a 1 yr old. what my mother should have done (IMO) is just ask me if i needed her to do it...or even said "okay i will get the rest off now...." but it is just terrible to me that she would rip the rag out of my hand and yell at me right in my own home.
i know i know mothers will be mothers forever, but now i am the one trying to be a mother and i dont feel like she should butt in like that (unless i was trully hurting my DD) which was not the case.

and it bothers me that she expects me to be so calm all the time...i am a stay at home mom, meaning i am with my DD 24/7 (which i like) but sometimes....well anyone who is with their child as much as i am with mine understands what i mean. my hubby is gone from 3pm till nearly 3am working 6 days a week 2x a month and 7 days a week the other 2 weeks of the month....i have no one who can take my daughter so i can have some free time, my mother works about 45 hrs a week and goes to college part time...when she is home she is busy with school work) my MIL has offered but then she will say she hasnt had any sleep (she works midnights) and on her nights off she goes out drinking and gambling...i have a younger brother (17) but i dont really trust his judgment yet with my DD...he is a true blue teenager right now.
my step dad is in the process of moving about an hour away and getting married (dont really trust his judgment either) then there is my real dad, great guy, trust him totally...but he works full time and is a volonteer fire fighter and has a unpredictable schedual...although he offers anyway to watch her...but i dont know when he will be home and it is hard to judge that.
my grandparents are good with my DD, but there house is a disaster area (not filthy) but just clutery and i am scared my DD will hurt herself there.
*sigh* so i am on my own obviously, and knowing this and realizing i have another baby on the way scares me a bit...so lately my emothins have run high.

thanks for letting my vent, i will heed all the advice i have gotten here...if you guys think of anything else let me know.
(by the way it is saturday evening and still no calls)
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Last edited by Chrissi; 10-30-2004 at 12:55 PM.

 
Old 10-30-2004, 02:39 PM   #11
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

I totally understand where you are coming from since I am a SAHM with my 4. Mine are 2, 4, 5, and 12. DH works 45 minutes away so I am on my own most of the time. I get offers for people to watch mine but I have so many that I don't want to burden them.

I would honestly put her to bed and use a night to think about what your boundaries for your home and for your children will be. Setting boundaries when children are little is far more productive than trying to start them later on. Come up with a plan on how much freedom different family memebers will get with your children, how much say they will have, and how you will react when the boundaries are crossed. The best thing to do is make the rules the same on both sides of the family so that no one feels that there are favorites.

You are about to have a lot on your hands. People are going to have to understand that sometimes you just have to make a judgement call but that no parent gets through it without making mistakes. I see that a mother is a mother all her life but that role changes as a child grows and becomes and adult. Now that you are an adult, your mother IMO needs to take more of a bystander role no matter how hard that might be.

I would call her up, tell her how you feel, and let her know that that can't happen again. I would let her know that you won't allow someone to undermine your authority in front of your children. I have a rule that my mother can tell me anything... She just can't say it in front of my kids.

I wish you the best
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Old 10-30-2004, 06:11 PM   #12
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

she still has not called, and i am sure she feels i am the one who should call and say sorry....i know she thinks i am at fault...but i in no way feel like that. and i think in this situation i need to let her realize that she crossed the line. and when she does come around again i will tell her that. i agree that setting boundaries now is a good idea. and i wouldnt have minded her coming to me later (alone) and saying that i needed to be a little more calm or offer to help me...just something understanding. but what she doesnt see is that she had a bit of a temperment too that day....i just feel like i am an adult i am on my own i have my own child and i need to be a mother i dont need my mother anymore to tell me what to do (or what not to do).

thank you mommyof4 glad to see someone knows what i mean about frustration of being a SAHM...

my hubby has taken a week off without pay which will be hard but he needed the time and so do i really...maybe that will help me out some.
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Old 10-30-2004, 06:40 PM   #13
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

Chrissi....I have been a SAHM for five years...started when I was pg with my son. I told you my children are 4,3,3. Which means I had a one year old and newborn twins!! When my girls were five months old I kicked my husband out because he was a raging alcoholic. I raised my babies alone. I still do. It is really hard to hear the same child day in and day out every day. Days turn into weeks...weeks into months....months into years. I love my children with all my heart and soul but OMG do I sometimes need a break! I am with them so much that I find it sooooo hard to be away from them. I'm so used to doing everything with them that I almost can't function when I go out because I am looking for them. So being with them so much it's hard when my mother or their Aunt comes in and tries to help. To me it's not helping it's messing with my routine or the way I do things. Your gonna have to learn to let some things roll off. How long are you going to let your mother stew? IF your used to talking to her everyday boy oh boy is your husband going to go nuts...hehehe You may talk his ear off this week. lol Hope things go well and you can get some rest.

 
Old 10-30-2004, 08:35 PM   #14
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

Hi if you definately feel that you werent over reacting or being a little too heavy handed with your daughter, then your mom is definately in the wrong....But if a small part of you thinks hey yeah I was being a little too rough out of frustration, then maybe you are both a little wrong and in the right if that makes sense LOL
Bottom line, if you think you may have both been over reacting a little to the situation give her a call and just hey mum I appreciate that I was maybe a little rough, but I didnt need you treating me that way in front of my daughter and please dont do it again....If you honestly think you were not being overly rough with your daughter etc then your mother owes you an apology and should call YOU ! So have a think about it all and then make a decision GOOD LUCK !
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Old 10-31-2004, 12:49 AM   #15
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Re: when your mother is your childs grandparent!

thanks again guys....i was frustrated but i was not hurting her, i was just hurring to get the soap off before it got in her eyes and burned, and i had to hold her down (with her hands at her sides) to keep her from rubbing her eyes, so i may have appeared to be rougher than i was, but my DD was mad cause i was trying to hold her down, not because i was hurting her face, the second i let her up she was fine.
i just think my mom (since she isnt with her alot like me) thought i was being mean when really i was just using the appropriate amount of force to get the job done without my DD rubbing soap all in her eyes.

i dont know...i just think that i am my daughters mother, not my mother.
and that unless i am a threat to my DD's health (phsically, mentally or emotionally) my mom needs to step back and let me parent my DD.

i guess i just feel that i dont want my daughter to think i am a bad mother, and if my mother keeps treating me like a child in front of my DD i am afraid that the respect my DD has for me will be about the same as she has for the kid down the street.
this situation, i am afraid, will just lead to other situations, forever...i just want her to let me handle things.

i guess it is like... i spend all my time with my DD i know her WELL then my mom steps in and tells me how to do my job...
it would be like going to work and training a new employee and then them telling you how yo do your job!

in angers me, more that this could happen a lot in the future, not so much the inncident itself.

i dont want my mother hanging over my shoulder while i am trying to raise my children...i realize that a lot of you have said your mothers do the same constantly, but i just flat refuse to live the next 20 years like that...i dont know what more to say, i guess you would have just had to been here that day to understand maybe.

i am going to do as mommyof 4 said and (when she does call or talk to me) and set bounderies, i would call her but she just wouldnt take me serious enough. by letting her see i am not letting up on it she will know i am serious, if i call her it will be a conversating that never turns into anything but "talk" i am afraid.

i am upset that we have not talked but i cant live the rest of my life with my mother making sure i am doing everything just the way she would with my DD.
i mean can any parent REALLY live up to there mothers expectations on how to raise their grandchild??

i guess maybe my mother did that because she had me when she was 16 and her mother and grandmother told her how to raise me all the time....
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