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Old 11-03-2004, 01:11 PM   #1
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Having a big problem with son fighting at school

my son is 10 and i just got another call from the school but this time he is suspened for a half day. this is probably my 15th call this year! Let me say that my son is not a bad or violent kid at all, he just doesnt put up with crap! This time he was playing soccer at school and a kid elbowed him on purpose so my son threw the ball at his head! when the principle called me she said that the other kid is new and doesnt know school policy so he is just missing some recesses but common sense would tell me that this kid should know violence isnt any schools policy!! anyways the problem is my son NEVER starts fights, ever!! he just doesnt put up with other kids crap! If someone hits him or trips him or does other things to him he does it back but it seems he is the only one that gets the short end of the stick. We have told him he cant do this but he knows his only other options are telling and ignoring. He refuses to be a narc and ignoring is not in him so he deals with it this way. We have also taught him not to back down from other people harrassments, I did and all it got me was being teased more. He doesnt act out at home this way and is an A student. So am I wrong for thinking this punishment is severe as he was only defending hiself or am i wacko?? lol i also dont want to tell the school that i think they are being unreasonable and they should back off and maybe start teaching the other kids in their school that if they are going to treat other students this way they will get hit or pushed back. i dont know!! am i wrong?

 
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Old 11-03-2004, 01:46 PM   #2
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

Hi Haley!

I just have a few questions for you. Do you get the same story from the that you get from your don? Do they also say that it is allways him defending himself? If so.....then why in the world are they not doing anything to the other kids? I think that if mutiple children are invovled in breaking the rules then they should ALL be treated the same. They should not "go easy" just because they have not gone to the school as long as your son has. I would speak up and get to the bottm of this issue. I know it is not allways good to stir things up at your childs school. BUT...it is not it is not allways good to not stand up for you child when they are not being treated fairly.

If this is the 13th call you have gotten in just a few months then it sounds as if there may be an anger issue with your son. Is it possible that he has a hard time restraining himself when he gets mad? I know that kids are tough and very mean, but so is the world of an adult. He is going to have to learn somehow to controll himself. Maybe some of the kids know that a "little poke in his side" is going to push him oveer the edge and he is going to fight back so they do this to him out of some sort of sick enjoyment. I really do not know....I am just making guesses at this point.

And I do not want to step on your toes here but I have to ask this. Are you sure that your son is not a trouble maker at school and then very well behsved at home? I know that a lot of kids have the wool pulled over their parents eyes. And let's face it....it is not easy to see that your child is a bully or a trouble maker. BUT my 1st queston should answer that for you. If the school is backing him up that he is allways defending himself then I would throw a serious fit thatnothing is being done to stop the other kids. And for petes sake I would be a really mad Mom if my child were being punished for simply defending himself. Especially if it is done in a practical matter. (defending that is)

I would schedule a meeting with all of teachers together. And also the school counselor and the principle. Let them know that you are willing to work with them to get to the bottom of this. Whatever it is you have got to find out and get him some help. Rather it be counseling or finding out the main children that he is having problems with and meet with those parents as well.

I do not believe that it is allways a good idea for parents to solve all of their childrens problems. They learn how to do it better for themselves and at the age of 10 I think he should be learning how to responsibly handle situations w/out vioence, but it sounds like he really needs his moms help with this.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

Kim
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Old 11-03-2004, 02:21 PM   #3
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

hi kim, no i will not be upset or feel my toes are being stepped on by pos or neg comments i get from this post, im actually not sure im even right to be honest! no he isnt a trouble maker at all! he isnt a class clown and excells in school with very little effort. And im not just saying this cause im his mom its not that he cant control his anger ir anything he just reacts at that instant without thinking. we have told him this isnt good as a simple push could evolve into something much much worse. this one call i got was a girl saying he hit her but that she didnt see him doing it but he was the closest to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they were in the boot room for Gods sake it couldve been any kid around and he swears he didnt do it! so he got punished for that! maybe it hasnt been as many calls as i said lol but its been at least a half dozen. yes the stories have been the same from each kid. i do know he is no angel (trust me being the mom of 4 kids 2 of them are teens and being a naughty teen myself none of them are able to pull the wool over my eyes! i know ALL the tricks!)when it comes to him getting angry but he really isnt violent at all and doesnt act out unless he is provoked alot. like i said before i have yet for the school to call me and tell me he started anything, NOT 1 TIME!!! but they do know from his reactions to other things he is prone to just retaliate back. Im really not mad at him for doing what he did, sorry but i walk down the street and joe blow walks by and purposely elbows me and hurts me im going to do something back not just keep on walking!! my maint hing is the schools punishments with him. like i said this other kid really got nothing even though really he started it all but of course mine did! im not sure why this is happening as he isnt a mean bad kid and has good friends and doesnt fight with his siblings or me or his dad.

Last edited by hayley0610; 11-03-2004 at 02:26 PM.

 
Old 11-03-2004, 02:35 PM   #4
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

I may take alot of flack for this, BUT I think that boys will be boys will be boys. And when they are defending themselves physically against bullying, it's actually much more healthy to the male psyche than holding it in. That's how we end up with a Colombine situation on our hands IMO.

My DH fought all the time defending himself from bullies, and is no worse for the wear now. I know we live in different times with zero tolerance policies and he does need to be somewhat careful or he could get into serious trouble. I think you should allow the school to discipline him, but if you HONESTLY believe he is defending himself, I wouldn't be too concerned, unless it becomes clear he is getting too agressive, violent, or starting fights.

On the flip side, my little brother was also bullied all the time and just either held it in or cried to my mom who went to defend him, and now at 19 he is selfish and depends on other people to feel sorry for him and go to bat for him, regardless of the fact that the realy world isn't that way. He also has a very volotaile temper (always has) but won't stand up for himself to peers, so he takes in out on those he feels comfortable around, my parents, for example.

I think a certain ammount of roughness is healthy among boys. I have a 15 month old myself, and will teach him non violent ways to resolve conflict, but will also not get too terribly upset with him if they don't work and he ends up in a bit of a tiff.

I DO think the other children should've gotten punishment equal to your son's, though!!

Just my opinion!
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Old 11-03-2004, 02:39 PM   #5
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

Glad I did not upset you! I know a lot of parents are pretty blind to the "bad side" of their kids.

You are pretty honest about yourself and other mistakes your kids have made so it sounds as if you know what you are talking about.

I would sit down with your son and ask him what you would like for you to do. Give him choices and let him tell you. I do not blame him one bit for defending himself at all. I think it is great that he will defend himself. HE SHOULD NOT BE PUNISHED FOR THAT! o the teachers seem to treat him fairly in toher areas? Does it just seem that they are more harsh on him when it comes time for punishment? GEESH!

I let him know that you are will to go to the school and figure out what is going on. But if he would rather you not go then you have to make a deal with him and tell him that you will not go down there unless you get another phone call. This is going to mean that he is going to have to think about his actions before he reacts to something.

Try roll playing at home. Go into his room (or somewhere w/out other kids so he will take you serious) and push him on the shoulder as if you were another kid at school. Help him learn controll. I would do this several times just to help him figure out that sometimes it is better tocount to 10 instead of "jumping the gun".

Good luck and keep us posted on what he says!

Kim
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Last edited by Ksavage; 11-03-2004 at 02:43 PM.

 
Old 11-03-2004, 02:41 PM   #6
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

thanks siren i agree with the boys will be boys thing! our main concern is that you can end someones life with one punch you know just by accident. he isnt being bullied and isnt a bully himself and he doesnt get mistreated by othr students so much as kids just being kids.

 
Old 11-06-2004, 09:46 AM   #7
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ksavage
I do not blame him one bit for defending himself at all. I think it is great that he will defend himself. HE SHOULD NOT BE PUNISHED FOR THAT!
Um, I realize that this particular thread has been "overtaken by events," but I think this position needs a little more thought. The assumption has been that the retaliating boy has only three options: being a tattle-tale, being abused, or starting a brawl.

Is there any particular reason why a boy defending himself with his fists is preferable to defending himself with his voice? Do you really think that automatically hitting back is better than automatically yelling back?

Perhaps the mother would find it useful to teach him to yell, "HEY, STOP THAT!!!" instead of shoving.

No one ever got sent to the hospital for being yelled at.

 
Old 11-06-2004, 10:07 AM   #8
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

I hate to sound mean, but it sounds like your son dosnt know how to walk away or tell a teacher. As you said, hes ten. He should know that if you get a teacher you can resolve issues easily. Even if he is provoked, it dosnt mean you go and do something to them. You walk away, and ignore them. I'm fourteen , and yes i'am aswell having trouble with this but its the best thing to do. And Ksavage, if you think its great that he defends himself for every little pety thing that happens, then there can aswell be problems down the road. Say when hes 20 and some big buff guy comes along (lol) and nudges him, does that mean your son will go up and start fighting? You never know.

Just my two cents. If you can't walk away, you have no right of being there..
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Last edited by Euclid; 11-06-2004 at 10:09 AM.

 
Old 11-06-2004, 02:44 PM   #9
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

I said that I think it is great that he is able to defend himself. I did not say I thought it was great that he is getting into fights with other kids. There are many different ways in defending yourself. As a child I was not comfortable in defending myself, so I was bullied pretty bad.

Haley also stated that she is trying to get him to not "react" so promptly. I do not think she is sending him to school with a set of punching gloves in his backpack. But as parents they have chosen to let their son know, that he is able to defend himself without getting into trouble. Now it seems that they have realized that they are going to have to now set him down and put limits as to how far this can go. He is now going to have to learn self control. And the last time I checked, that was a LEARNED behaviour. At one point in everyone's life, we all have to teach ourselves that.

This boy is only 10 and it sounds as if his mom is doing the best she knows how, and the whole reason she started this topic was because she was asking for advice and was completely honest about the mistakes she feels she might have made. I am just here for support. I do not have any experience with any child other than my own 2 year old daughter, and I am sure I will make plenty mistakes and hopefully I will have the support and experience of other mom's here at the board.

And I will say it again....I don't blame him one bit for defending himself at all. I think it is great that he will defend himself.

FIGHTING is another story as is bullying but that is not even the issue in this topic.
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Old 11-06-2004, 04:39 PM   #10
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

thanks for the defence yes alot of what u said is true i do not tell my son that being physical is anyway to defend him self at all, its amazing how people can assume such things just from a paragraph!! of course he has tried talking, and every other thing in the world and im sure he uses that choice almost everyday at school but in the rare instances that he has no other choices he has pushed back. also im not sure where the assumption came from that he is fighting like a brawl or soemthing! he has not been in any "brawls" but he has hit when hit and pushed when pushed and i wont tell him to back down that way either its the parents of those kinds of kids that need to be taught right from wring not my son.

 
Old 11-06-2004, 05:12 PM   #11
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

Right on Hayley!
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Old 11-06-2004, 05:41 PM   #12
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whatamIdoing HB User
Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

Quote:
Originally Posted by hayley0610
he has hit when hit and pushed when pushed and i wont tell him to back down that way
Well, what you choose to teach your son is up to you, of course, but I disagree with your notion that if your son doesn't hit back or shove back, then he's "backing down."

I still think that a reasonable response to getting hit on the playground is to yell "HEY, STOP THAT!" loud enough for every adult in the vicinity to hear, BUT... If it's okay with you that he hits back or shoves back instead of "using his words," then I'm not the one who has to field the phone calls from the school principal, so it's none of my business.

Good luck to you.

 
Old 11-06-2004, 07:45 PM   #13
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

whatamidoing i dont think uve read this post properly and dont really feel like explaining this too anyone again as ive done it enough to make others undertsnad what i mean and they seem to have gotten it ok, not sure why others are having problems, oh well.

 
Old 11-06-2004, 09:32 PM   #14
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

Well, I don't know what the world is coming to when 10 year old boys are expected to behave like mature adults with no roughhousing, defensiveness, or an occasional kiddy brawl. I remember the days when boys who were the best of friends could have an altercation, get a little too worked up, and end up rolling around in the dirt and go back to being best friends 10 minutes later. This has been going on since the beginning of time, and none of the ones I know have ended up in the pen, getting themselves killed, or even particularly agressive as adults. Boys resolve conflict quite well in this manner. There are inherent biological differences in them that make them more prone to use physical measures, whereas females are more "talk it out." If you ask me, it's the over supression of these childish boyish urges that cause angry violent kids later in life.

Not that any boy should be taught that violence is the best way to solve conflict, as is NOT the case with Haley's son. Yes, there are better ways to sort things out or walk away, but sometimes it's much healthier for all parties involved to "get it out" than to keep all the tension bottled up inside to fester into the kid who brings a gun to school and shoots all the classmates he could never stand up against. I'm a firm believer in letting kids be kids. Our society is demanding that they grow up way too quickly in these respects. I just don't believe a 10 year old should always be expected to control his temper. He's a 10 year old for crying out loud!!! Should he be punished for fighting? Depends on the circumstances. I think he should get a talk about the better way to resolve the situation next time and told that they need to learn these methods because they can't go around throwing punches as adults when they get angry. They should definitely be TAUGHT! And he should have to live with the black eye that he got in the process. But it should be somewhat expected.

I could be accused of longing for a much more innocent world with times that are long past, in which children are allowed to behave like children, but that is exactly what I want for my son!
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Last edited by siren1024; 11-06-2004 at 09:36 PM.

 
Old 11-07-2004, 07:50 AM   #15
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Re: Having a big problem with son fighting at school

I am thinking when she replied here she had not read the UPDATED version of your post.

& then again, maybe she had....who knows.
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