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Old 11-08-2004, 03:21 PM   #1
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Why hasnt my son reacted to us telling him he was adopted?!!?

as some of you know we told our son a month ago my dh was not his bio dad. he is 10 and took it fine but i am a little concerned at something that happened. When we told him he thought we were weird to think it would bother him and he has not been weird with dh at all since, if anything he seems to be more loving than ever. He looked over at his dad last night and said just out of the blue with a smile on his face "you're my dad" then hugged him for no reason!! my concern is this. a couple of weeks ago he was at my moms with his sister and she was going on about how her and nick were the only blood related kids in the family by both parents) i should add we didnt tell any of the kids about our son we told him thats up to him if he wants them to know.) and our son kind of looked away and tried to drop the subject. when my daughter left the room my mom asked him if his sister knew and he said no but i have told my brother (we have 4 kids in the house dh and i had 1 each when we met plus we got custody of his son andwe think of the child im typing about as our own ) anyways she asked what his brother had to say about it and he said his brother said he should be mad at us for not telling him before and he should ask questions. my mom then asked him if he had qeustions and he said no so she asked him again and he shrugged and she said you know if u ever want to ask anything to us and her he can he said he knew that and then dropped it! Now im not sure what to think about this. im thinking his bro made him feel like he should be feeling differently about how he has taken all this but i dont know. should we "force" info on him or him knowing he can ask us stuff anytime, just wait for him to ask?

 
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Old 11-09-2004, 08:13 AM   #2
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SouthernGlitter HB User
Re: Why hasnt my son reacted to us telling him he was adopted?!!?

I totally understand that... My husband and I just told our daughter he was not her biological father. After my hubby and I got married we almost divorced not 6 months later and both went on about our own lives.. I ended up getting pregnant and the woman he was with thought she was (but wasn't) and we decided to get back together.. NOT for the sake of the child but because we really wanted to be together.. My daughters biological father didn't want anything to do with us for a long time. Well we tired to find him for a long time so we could get him involved in her life.. (we moved out of the country for 4 years.. husband is military).. and we couldn't find him. Well a few months ago he found us and we decided that we wanted to tell her right away now that he found us. We had planned on waiting until she was a little bit older, but thought this would be a good time.

Well when we told her she was stunned at first.. cried a little bit.. asked for pictures.. looked at us and said "I am ok mom and dad... I should be grateful to "father" because without him you wouldn't be my parents and I love you both." She has talked to him once since we told her and he sent her an e-card for her birthday and she thanked him. My only problem is this.. when he says to call he isn't around and never calls back.. which upsets her.. but we are working on it..

Kids understand more than we give them credit for. We just let her know she can come to us at anytime she wants to talk and are very open about it with her now. She now says she has 2 daddies.. and her love for my husband has also gotten stronger.. I feel it has to do with the fact he has been the one there since I was 6 weeks pregnant and has raised her.. she loves him and that will never change. I think your son probably feels the same.. Just let him know you are both always going to be there to talk if he needs it and that his feelings (no matter what they are) are very important. We have told her that when she is ready she can meet him face to face but ONLY when she is ready..

Is your sons real father reachable?

Good Luck! keep me posted

Last edited by SouthernGlitter; 11-09-2004 at 08:14 AM.

 
Old 11-09-2004, 10:56 PM   #3
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Re: Why hasnt my son reacted to us telling him he was adopted?!!?

oh he is very reachable!! ive seen him a handful of times so has my mom and he has ignored me but my mom has spoken to him to see if he could sign custody to my dh he said he didnt know and took my moms # and said he cant sleep at night all he thinks of is his son!! well that was 5 yrs ago and he hasnt used the phone so he is all talk as usual!! thats the problem and i see signs urs is already doing it by not calling back its only going to get worse and im sure ur aware of that!! i do not believe kids should be kept away from their parents at all BUT when u are only protecting the child sometimes u have too!! and ive been in both situations with my 1st child but her dad has done almost everything he said he would!! and always will. whereas this guy saw my son for 1 month of his life then the calls tapered off and the help and his family stopped calling, the last time he called was 9 yrs ago when our son was 10!! and he def knows how to get a hold of me so if he wants to take part of my sons life ill have to say no because it wouldnt last!! see ur daughter had a reaction my son had NONE! like i mean none!i dont think the guy will be back but perhaps when my sons an adult only time will tell. good luck!!and protect her at the earliest warning signs!

 
Old 11-10-2004, 05:47 AM   #4
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Talking Re: Why hasnt my son reacted to us telling him he was adopted?!!?

Thanks for your warnings.. My situation is a bit different, but you are right the signs are there.. With mine HE knew alot of my family members and could have gotten in touch, but didn't.. It wasn't until earlier this year when he and a mutual friend got to talking and had her to tell me his chat name.. Which is fine.. I had no idea how to find him, and didn't know he was still in touch with some of my family members. He didn't know they were related to me but knew they knew me.. so yeah it is kinda his fault for not contacting sooner. I have no problems with him being a part of our lives now.. neither does my hubby ... He is trying to make some kinda contact.. and he does work 6 days a week, but I know he should call more and things.. The bad thing is that I have known him longer than I have known my husband and they have not liked each other for a very long time, so he is afraid of causing problems with my hubby and I. I told him to call anytime that it was ok with us both. I told them both tough they are going to have to have some kinda contact with one another. I don't mean be buddy buddy but at least be civil. AND that he will not meet her until SHE is ready and it will be on MY terms.. He understands.. In the last couple of weeks he has starting showing more interest.. Which is good.. I just hope it stays that way.

Your son just may not know how to react just yet.. When I found out I had a half sister at the age of 18 I was numb.. and then all the feelings came out.. anger for my parents not telling me and my siblings, happiness because now I have a sister, I felt so betrayed and hurt.. This took a little while for these feelings to come out and then it took even longer for me to find her.. BUT then again your son is having a reaction. He is showing his love for your husband more now.. That is how he is dealing.. The best and only advice I can give you is just reassure him of the love the two of you have for him, don't push him to talk about it, you can try bringing it up once in a while to see how he feels, and let him know that you will always be there for him.. no matter what.. also it may be a good idea for your husband to have a day where it is just the two of them.. he may open up then.. or a day with just you and him. That helps us out alot. Each of us take an hour a day with her alone..

I don't know if I have helped you or not, but please if you need to talk just let me know I will do what I can. It is nice to have someone to talk to about these things.. I know I felt so guilty for so long about it all.

Hang in there..

Last edited by SouthernGlitter; 11-10-2004 at 05:50 AM.

 
Old 11-10-2004, 08:10 AM   #5
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Re: Why hasnt my son reacted to us telling him he was adopted?!!?

thanks! ya sometimes it sucked thinking about how and when to tell him but only to be done with little to no reaction! its kind of weird. i really dont want my ex to be in his life and ironically i knew him longer than dh. i dated him when i was 13 and he moved away! leavingme at the time broken hearted then we met up 10 yrs later and bam! got pregnant first month and then i realized he wasnt all he was cracked up to be! in a lot of ways. He knows my m***** name and my dad and bros # is in the book but he still hasnt done anything and i LOVE it that way! i never want a dime from him and i only despise him so much for what he could do to my son and what he has done to him although i am over that part now. My son so does not deserve to be a part time son and i know this guy like the back of my hand. my mom was always up front with me about the fact my dad didnt make me but i did meet my "dad" when i was 16 and it was so undramtic and unemotional not like what u see on tv i couldve cared less really! and i had 2 siblings but it never felt like anything it thought it wouldve. i had contacted him a few times since then but he wouldnt make any effort with me so i dont bother anymore!

 
Old 11-10-2004, 03:10 PM   #6
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Re: Why hasnt my son reacted to us telling him he was adopted?!!?

I know this guy very very well.. He isn't a bad guy really. He had alot of issues back then and didn't believe that my daughter was his.. which is fine..so things worked out for the best.
I have never and will never want anything (money) from him.. my dh and I have talked about this alot before. We could have pushed the issue, but for one my dh's name is on the birth certificate not the guys, he has never even seen her so we feel it is unfair for him to have to pay anything, we are very capable of caring for her on our own. If he feels the need in the future after he meets her to give her money for clothes, toys, whatever then so be it.. that will be his decision to give and hers to receive if she chooses..
Sometimes I wish he still wasn't in the picture, but we felt that it was best to tell her now before she was older (teenager) and hated us for it.. She has a right to know. I am keeping a VERY close eye on it and if at anytime I think he should just stay away then that is how it is gonna work.

 
Old 11-11-2004, 12:18 AM   #7
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Gtonello HB User
Re: Why hasnt my son reacted to us telling him he was adopted?!!?

Hiya!

First of all, i just wanted to say that I know where you all are coming from in this. I am 25, and I was 14 when I found out that my "dad" adopted me. My mom was young (19) when she had me, and my real dad was even younger (17-18). My mom thought it was better if she lived with her parents, than to make a boy (basically) give up his youth for a baby. Now, I know that doesn't sound like making him own up to his responsibility, but the fact is, her parents took better care of us than he EVER could have, so, it worked out for the better. My dad adopted me when I was 2/3, I think, and I have thought of him as my Dad ever since. He has always been there for anything, and I KNEW that he loved me, even if he didn't always say it.

Now, I found out a little by accident - I was flipping thru a photo book, and noticed that there was a boy in there who had red hair and green eyes. My eyes were just beginning to turn green then (it's happened to 3 of my friends, too - color change later in life), so I pointed it out to my mom. She then told me that the photo was of my real dad. I was a little surprised, but she explained the circumstances, and told me that if I had questions, to ask them. Eventually, I did have a few, and things got cleared up for me. Now, I am married to a wonderful man, and we have 3 kids and 1 more on the way, and they know that their Grandpa loves them LOTS!

I think that your son realizes who his "real" dad is - the man who has been there for him thru everything - and doesn't really mind that. The brother may have just added some stress for him, made him feel guilty for NOT blaming you, you know? So then, he started to think that he was SUPPOSED to be mad at you for not telling him sooner or whatever. But all in all, I think he knows that you know what's best for him, that you love him, and that the dad he has now is his Dad. I hope that's not confusing But I don't think you should worry too much - if he is ever in need of answers, he WILL come to you.

Hope that helped a little! Thanks for letting me ramble!

G Tonello

 
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