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Old 11-29-2004, 10:43 PM   #1
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Help

I am at my wits end with my 17 year old daughter. We had to make a major move and I understand what a crappy time in her life it was to do it, but there was no choice. We had a great relationship until this move and her meeting a boy right before didnt help either.

Shes an A student, has a part time job and has gone from being responsible and trustworthy to sneaking, lying and having no respect for me or anyone else in the house. She has turned into someone I do not know or like very much at all.

I tried everything in my power to not move and it just was not to be. I allowed her bf to even drive my car up here and to visit and her other friends have been here to visit also. We moved 21 hours away from where we were. I have bent over backward trying to make the best of this for her because I KNOW it sucks to move in your senior year of high school but she refuses to see what we have done and just tells me how much she hates me and cant wait to turn 18, move out and never have anything to do with me again.

Her bf was just up for a visit but did not stay in our house since when he did before they broke all the rules. He is 20. I found out they were sneaking around when he was here, not where they were supposed to be and she has been grounded from the computer and phone since he left. She has been sneaking the phone and I caught her tonight! She refused to make new friends here and only goes to school and work, then wants to spend all her time on the phone with him.

He is planning on moving up here which scares me to death, but I sure as hell cant stop him since he is of age, tho I can stop her. I cant believe my wonderful daughter turned into this person. I dont know what to do since she plays on my guilt from the move. I am afraid to really push the "control" card that that will drive her to do soemthing really stupid since she is acting so out of charactor! She used to be very open and we could talk about anything, I NEVER had reason NOT to trust her before. She was always where she was supposed to be, always home by curfew, always called when I told her to, etc. Not its like she enjoys being a sneaky, disrespectful little snot!

I know she is angry with me about the move and I feel she is entitled to these feeling. BUT, what she is not entitled to is treating me, her stepfather and brothers with such utter disrespect but I cant get that point across to her! I have tried being nice and understanding which didnt work, I have tried being a ***** which also is not working.

I KNOW I am the parent and she needs to follow my "stupid" rules but she is pushing and I dont know what else to take away! I also know my guilt over the move is MY problem and I have to stop allowing her to play on it. I also am very afraid she will leave at 18 and never talk to me again which breaks my heart.

Any advice is appreciated. HELP

 
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Old 11-30-2004, 05:01 AM   #2
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Help

Hey....Justme...welcome to the boards Goody has been in your 2 shoes for some time now and boy is it a tough place to be I'm going through these issues with my 16 year old big time and I must tell you consider yourself lucky that it's just started for you. Your daughter will be fine and you sound like a wonderful mother You have a wonderful history with your daughter which will soon come into play....she's understandibly upset about the move and doesn't quite know how to deal with it without getting into a rebellious way. Try to reassure her that you love her and that you acknowledge how difficult this has made her life. Perhaps even make a lunch date with her... and take her out to a special place just the two of you. Make it a time for you to treat her like the young adult that she has become...order an appetizer and talk with her as you would a friend sharing stories of what it was like when you were her age perhaps even daring to share one of your rebellious stories. Do you have a good relationship with your mom??? I bet you do because if you didn't you wouldn't place as much value on the relationship that seems strained with your daughter and the hurt that is between you right now. Remind your daughter how this time, although turbulent between the two of you is only temporary and that you look forward to the time the two of you will have a close relationship and be good friends but that this is a time that being her mother comes first. Tell her most of all how much you love her and understand how at 17 moving as you did was of great sacrifice to her. I give you this advice because I was given it by someone very wise here on the boards. I have yet to take it...and intend to in the near future.

There is a wonderful woman on this board named Kiera who I am sure will add to my advice and help you through as well. She has been of wonderful support to me. Your daughter sounds like a terrificl young lady and for the most part has given you no trouble....I say allow her to express her upsetment about the circumstances regarding the move...remain her mother realizing that she is more an adult now and may have to take the consequences of some bad decisions she is making in dealing with a major stress in her life. Let her know you are there and guide her gently in the right direction....letting her know that she's always made you proud and you have faith in her to make good decisions because she's a good person that you love. Hope this helps and keep your chin up and hold on to your sense of humor...for it's a gift God gives us in order to survive this time that I often refer to as....the meanager years. Good luck,....Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 11-30-2004 at 05:04 AM.

 
Old 11-30-2004, 02:46 PM   #3
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Re: Help

Thank you Goody for the nice welcome and the good advice. I have tried to take her to lunch, we used to do that all the time. She refuses to go! She wants nothing to do with me right now. She only talks to me when she has to. One of the worst things is she seems to really not feel any guilt over what her and her bf were caught doing! She sees nothing wrong with her behavior saying all she wants to do it talk to her bf, thats the only thing that keeps her sane!

I worry so much about him moving up here that things will only get worse and God forbid she makes a mistake that can not be corrected. I am definately making her an appt for birth control. I do NOT condone her having sex, but I am also not stupid and know that I cant stop it, but I can try to prevent a pregnancy that will affect her life whether she sees that or not! I have this gut feeling that when he was here he snuck into her bedroom after we thought he left. How they did this, I dont know since I slept on the sofa and didnt go to bed until 3 or 4 am. But come on, does this in itself show just how little she respects us and our house? I cant prove this went on so I have not confronted her with it, but my mothers gut and some broken shingles on the garage tell me it happened and it makes me sick!

I had a horrible relationship with my mother. She was crazy strict and very controlling. That is why I promised myself that when I had children I would not be like that. I always laid down the rules and they followed them. I know how lucky I am so this is new to me too. I really never had to be the strict mom until now! THe only things I can take away are the phone and computer. SHe doesnt go out anymore since she refuses to make new friends here.

I am at the point where I cant wait until she is 18 and moves out to make her own mistakes because I just dont know how to handle or get thru to her anymore and the tension in the house is awful. AND, I hate myself for feeling this way. AHHHHHHHHHHH.

It sure does help to vent and even tho I would not wish these problems on anyone, it helps to know others are there too or have been there and there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Thanks again.

 
Old 11-30-2004, 03:51 PM   #4
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Help

Justme....It isn't just you ..I was offered advice on my thread by some wonderful people who have helped me over the past few months with my teenager problems as well as other things. And I would like to share one piece of advice I received today...you must trust that you are a great parent and have done a wonderful job with your daughter....and now allow God to take over where He had begun in bringing her into this world. It's a scary place and there are so many more things to worry about in raising children today than there were when we were children. It is wise for you to bring your daughter to the doctor to discuss birth control...I know that it is wiser to perpare her so that she has a future and doesn't make the mistake of having a child before her own life has begun. As for you relatonship...it will return to something good when your daughter has learned to deal with the stress the new move has placed on her. It is tough for her to graduate high school with people she barely knows rather than those she has grown up with....I couldn't imagine doing that when I was that age and imagine that it must be so difficult for her to do so. Just a suggestion....do you have a family member that perhaps would keep her on in order to do so???? I don't know how long ago you've moved but I know of people who did this and it worked out....she's going to be off to college after that...is she a senior??? Do you see this as a possibility and is it too late??? The way I calculate things she only has this year to finish up and if there were anyway that she could finish up the year and graduate with her friends that she has known most of her life, it may be just what she needs at this point in time. After that her friends will go their own way & moving in with you to attend a community college will be an easier transition because that's the time you meet new people who become your friends. Or perhaps she'll go away to college...I'm just concerned that she will go downhill as far as her grades and her life in this year which is the final year of her childhood before adulthood. The boyfriend is going to be an issue whether he's there or here....either way there is not much we can do in terms of our teen's sexual activity. We can only keep the lines of communication open and increase their awareness of the consequences and preventon of such things as STD's and unwanted pregnancy. Is there anyone you can trust in the area you just moved from to assist in this transition in your daughter' life??? It's a big responsibility but if I had a family member that I was close enough to or a very close friend...I would consider this as a loving gesture in helping your daughter complete her last year of high school where she feels most at home. What do you think...is this even an option????

No matter what....you will get through this. Your daughter is unhappy and at this age normally self centered. Until she is an adult she views this move as "ruining her life". She sees it as "if I'm miserable then I'm going to make everyone else miserable too!!" And teens have a magical way of getting that accomplished...they have the dtermination as well as the energy that we lack I wish I could wave a magic wand for both of us in orde to make it all disappear but my daughter's pediatrician promised me the other day that things wil be better whn she's 21...5 years for me and 4 for you...we'll have to celebrate together for having survived what I call,...the meanager years Hope this helps & know that you're not alone...Goody



Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 11-30-2004 at 04:56 PM.

 
Old 11-30-2004, 06:11 PM   #5
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justme61 HB User
Re: Help

Just a suggestion....do you have a family member that perhaps would keep her on in order to do so???? I don't know how long ago you've moved but I know of people who did this and it worked out....she's going to be off to college after that...is she a senior??? Do you see this as a possibility and is it too late???


Hello again Goody, you are full of many comforting words that I am really in need of. Thanks again. This is the mind blowing part of this whole thing. Our family is all up HERE where we moved to. We had no family where we were. We had to make that move due to her dads job and she hated living there from day one! She was excited to move back up north until she met this boy, he changed everything. So, no, I do not have anyone who I could have let her stay with. Believe me, I tried. She did NOT have a whole lot of friends there and the ones she was closest to graduated last year and have gone off to college! Her dad lives about an hour and a half from where we did but he would not even consider moving closer for her to stay with him to finish school and if she would have gone to live with him, it still would have meant a move to a new school in senior year.

Her grades are still great. She just made Principals list so that is not a concern. She is just trying to make life decisions based on this boy she "thinks" she is in love with which I try to tell her is not the right thing to do, but of course she knows it all. She wants to go to college back where we lived which is ok with me, BUT it is NOT ok with me for her to live with the bf instead of in the dorm. We had a bit argument tonight cause she doesnt understand why I refuse to pay for college if she is shacking up with the bf! I feel IF she wants to be adult enough to live with a man, than it is then not my responsibility to pay her way. Maybe I am wrong, but I firmly believe this. Right now its her way or no way and I am tired of being manipulated. So, her last words were, dont worry once I am 18 and out you will never hear from me again. It killed me to hear that, but I siad, that will break my heart, but that is YOUR choice to make, not mine.

Thanks again for listening and helping. I know this too shall pass, but it sure is heart wrenching to deal with.

 
Old 11-30-2004, 06:43 PM   #6
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Help

Yes...a BF can really add fuel to a fire. You say you have family where you are...are they supportive and does your daughter have a good relationship with them??? I only ask in case she needs someone to go to for advice/support so long as she's taking everything out on you. You must remember....when we are hurting we always seem to take it out on those we love most. She sounds like she's just plain old angry and granted she's not treating you like you shoukd be treated...I have found that during those volitile times it's best to be calm (even though your insides are screaming) and come up with a statement that says short and sweet that you will not tolerate her behavior....something like, "I will be happy to continue this conversation when you treat me or speak to me in the manner I deserve to be spoken to," and then just walk away. Refrain from any frther conversation....I know it'll be difficult but I have labeled my daughter's outbursts as TTT's (teenage temper tantrums) and have said, "Oh I see you're having another one of your TTT's. I'll be in the kitchen when you're through." I know, Justme, that what these girls say can really cut like a knife & I have gone plenty a night to bed in tears over some of the things that my daughter has said to me. I even got to a point tht every time she said something hurtful to me I would say "OUCH" just to remind her how it hurt as much as her physically punching me. I use these tactics and they help but somehow teenagers are equipped with EMP (Extramanipulatoryperception) which wears you down and leaves yo emotionally exhausted. No....you are not alone....I am there too, and I count the days until it is over. Don't get me wrong....like the pain we went through pushing them out into the world..this will all be a blur before we know it....so I've been told So let's hold hands together and know that when we have the support of others....things like this are so much easier ......Hope you feel a little better...your daughter is spreading her wings and wanting to fly....it would be nicer if she would not knock you over in the process but when she finally takes flight with all that you have taught her you will be proud and see that in the end it was all worth it. And I will too.....Goody

 
Old 11-30-2004, 09:00 PM   #7
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Re: Help

Wow! Just me what a hand full!

Okay, im 21 and i too went through the stage of a "nasty teen girl" we are vicious things at the prime ages! My parents did not move me away, but my father and I had our arguements. And I had the same feelings of "rage" when I was her age. I remember wanting to get into my car and drive into a tree. Or just leave! I'd go somewhere quiet and just cry. I had tons of emotions!

As for birth control, you may not want to just jump into the convo. of "we are putting you on b/c!" I know when I was that age, i went down to the local planned parenthood and decided i would start it w/out my mother knowing! And then I came to my senses and confronted her about doing so and after much discussion we agreed. We decided it would be more so for my acne, harsh cramps and to give me a regular period. If she has any of those, that may be a good way to get her started.

And I agree w/you on not paying for her college if she's going to move in w/this boy. My parents have stressed to me how much they want me married b4 i move in with a guy. I have a fiance, and they are still not budging on allowing me to move in with him. I too am in college and the extra funds from parents is a great help. You may want to remind her of that.

And as for the troublesome boy. I too had a guy that i thought i was "in love" with. I thought I couldnt live w/out him. I thought I needed him, and he was so trustworthy and perfect. Then it turns out he's a cheater and a dog, and making excuses to leave...she has to learn on her own with that. Everyone has to get burned once to learn. I waited around on some dooshbag for about 3 years, I wasted 3 years on a loser!

I think you are doing all that you can do. As long as you are making the effort, you'll have to wait for her to come around. It'll take time for her to realize there was a REASON you had to move. You didnt do it to tick her off.

Also does she have a job since you've moved? I know i made friends by getting a job. If she doesnt you may want to remind her that living with someone isnt exactly cheap. You have bills, electric, water, phone, cable ect... And does this b/f have a job? a good job? does he go to school? And if she's planning on school she should start saving.

I really think you sound like you are giving it your all. Just telling her your there for her, and you care about her, and love her is reaching her, even if she doesnt show you in person, she may be having her own time to think.

Maybe tell her if she eliminates her sneeky ways you will pitch in on a spring break trip for her? As a bonus or something? She misses her friends and stuff from home right? I know senior year spring break is suppose to be a blast! Remind her of that?! Encourage her to take you up on that offer. If your willing? it's just a suggestion.

Also, if she doesnt have anyfriends there yet where is she sneeking off too?

Sorry this was so long, I hope i was at the least bit helpful, Good luck w/her! I honestly think she will come around!

 
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