Help. My son has always been a good kid, making good grades, good friends, outgoing personality, funny, etc.
I am a single mother and have been since my son was 5. We have a very close (or so I thought) relationship and are very open regarding sex, drugs, alcohol.
It all started with an incident a few months ago in which I found a note in my son's room .......Yes, I read it. In the note, it stated "I wish you wouldn't smoke before school" ......In my wildest dreams, I never would have thought the smoking referred to pot. I was angry when he came home, however, started the conversation as "Why are you smoking" ....(of course thinking ciggarettes), he looked at me and then said "I only did twice", the way he said it or the look on his face made me question "What are you smoking" ....it came out, he and his "good" friends BOUGHT pot and smoked it. There was enough for one "joint" and the three of them shared it.
Of course, I called each of the parents, as we have all known each other since our children were in 1st grade and have all been close. We all met with the kids set them down and had a "heart to heart" ....At the end of the conversation, I was convinced this was a "one time" offense. Peer pressure in school and my son, as were his friends, were aware of the dangers, consequences, etc.
Since that time, I have kept my eyes open, watching for signs, etc. Continuing to have talks with my "open, honest" son.
Yesterday, I receive a phone call from the school. My son is under the influence and needs to be picked up. EXCUSE ME.
Oh yes, another female student brought her prescription drugs to school for ADHD, (adderall???) and proceeded to pass them out. My son and his "good" friends took them. Of course, other students know and tell. The all get called up to the office, the police are there. And the police proceed to interview each child individually. ......Mind you, not that this matters, as this is more about my son doing drugs, however, I want to mention, that the police interviewed each child seperately and told each of them they had witnesses and if they did not tell the truth they were going to jail. My son is the only one that admitted taking the prescription and now my son is expelled from school.
I feel like such a failure as a parent. What can I do differant? What have I done wrong? What can I do in the future?
My son will now be going to a secondary school "abeyance" for the remainder of the school year with all the other "bad" kids.
I've sent him to my sisters for the next few days as I am so livid, I am afraid to see him right now.
We had a conversation yesterday, however, I do not think he realizes the seriousness of what he has done, considering "ALL THE KIDS IN SCHOOL DO IT"
Blue2U...Hi...it's Goody Welcome to the boards and to the years that as parents we are going on the ride of our lives during these teenage years. If you look at my thread which is only a few down from yours...you will see that I am going through some similar issues as you are with my 16 year old daughter....she hasn't been expelled but our situation is sooo similar.
I know pretty much how you must be feeling...when our kids are getting into trouble we can come down on ourselves so hard...I know you're a great parent as I am, but even though we know this, it is so easy to feel as if we failed our child when these things happen. But I can honestly say that I have taught my daughter well and I can only hope that what I have taught her will guide her through the next few years. We both know that even though we hate to admit it....they are pretty much on their own & it is time for us to let go & pray that they will take all that we have instilled in them to make good lives for themselves. A good friend of mine who has two sons older than my daughter once said..."it is my job to just keep them alive until they are 21!!!" And she is sooo right.
To answer your question...there is nothing you did wrong or could have done differently. Just continue to reassure your son that you love him but you do not like the things he is doing lately and fear hat all he has worked so hard for will be affected by the decisions he has made lately. Tell him that you realize that drugs/alcohol are out there & would hope that he would work on his abilities to withstand peer pressure when it comes to using drugs/alcohol. Most importantly assure him that there will be no punishment if he were ever to call you for a ride home when drugs/alcohol are used and he is questioning his or another's abilities to drive. He must act responsibly and put his safety & that of his friends ahead of the fear of getting in trouble.
Just know that you are not in this alone....I think these are the hardest years in terms of parenting but I am confident that we both will see the fruits of our labor in the future.Keep your chin up and know once again that you are not alone....Goody
Last edited by Administrator; 12-17-2004 at 11:15 AM.
Reason: Changed username
I remember in school the "good" kids were the one's tetering in the drugs and sex. The first time I tried pot I was soooooooooo high that it scared the heck out of me and I NEVER did it again. Sounds like your son needs some influencial people in his life. Are there any programs that take them to jails to see where he could wind up or to the cemetary's? You son needs a reality check to realize that life is short and when it's final it's final!!! I know you are mad at him but turning your back on him is NOT the answer, he needs you NOW more than ever. I also think you should not "label" him. Once he is labels "druggie" or "bad kid" it will be hard for him to what he will see as change. I would find out why is he bored in school? Start asking some out there questions. Main thing is do not give up....do WHATEVER it takes to help him turn around, find something that he can be proud of that doesn't include drugs. I say this because my mother never interferred with my brother and he has been on drugs his whole life....heroin...crack...cocaine..pot... drinking...meth...ect. By the grace of God he is alive for some reason. I'm not saying she was a bad mom but she did what she could...as a mother...unless it killed me NOTHING would stand in my way of helping my child. I think your son should have some bit of praise for confessing that he took the meds. Most real drug addicts will lie to no point of return. He was wrong but alot of kids get steared in the wrong direction. You are his biggest savior right now. I know being a single mom is hard but my mother was the best mother and father she could be. Don't be too hard on him....he's lost and just needs to find his way back. Good luck.
I am not that much older than your son. I am in college now but i've been in a similar situation before. You are not a failure as a parent! You sound like an excellent mother. I am so glad you care enough about your son to try and get him to stop these things. So many parents dont even care these days.
I think the problem is his friends and those around him. Your son may know what is right but he is at that age where he is easily influenced by others. He is also curious about these things he has never tried before. He needs to see how smoking pot and taking pills can hurt him. If he doesnt learn now, he is likely to keep doing these things whether you approve or not. He may try to hide it too. I know I always did from my parents. Also, if you search his room, do not let him know about it. If he was to find out he would simply hide stuff somewhere else.
Tell him you would like to know now about anything else he may have tried. Let him know that what he is doing is just not acceptable and you wont tolerate it. Try to be firm but dont scream and yell, or cry
Now, this school for the "bad" kids is the worst place for him. He is there all day long with others who also use drugs. I would bet a good percentage of those kids are going home and smoking pot even if they are in the "bad kids" school. I think you need to get your son out of this school and put him somewhere else. Find a good private or christian school. If you want your son back, that is what you will have to do.
He is not choosing his friends wisely. He is in a bad environment and things could get worse. He needs to be in a better school away from these potheads. Christmas is coming up soon and the semester will be over. Maybe you can transfer him or work something else out.
Good luck and let us know what happens!
Last edited by FrontierDriver2; 12-08-2004 at 08:57 PM.