Was not sure if this was the place to post this - but here it goes. Sorry it is a bit long.
I am 39, divorced over 2 years, no children. The issue of not having children was complicated (I won't go into everything) but mainly it came down to the fact that my ex-wife did not really want them, and I loved her enough to go along with that, plus careers and all that stuff. Now I am bit sorry I did not meet and marry someone else who did want them. But I have a pretty good life, friends, money - and I am generally pretty happy.
Anyway - I am now very much in love with a woman (38). She has a nine year old daughter - whom I also love very much. The daughter loves me too and there is lots of hugs and laughing. I (and her mom) have caught her referring to us as her parents and me as her dad. The biological father is on the other side of the country and has remarried and has his own children. He only sees her about 2-3 times a year. I consider myself very lucky to have such a great relationship with the girl (and her mom!) - with some of the horror stories I read on the Internet about kids not getting along with their parent's new partners.
We have been seriously involved for a year now. We all spend much time together doing things and we are all pretty happy - the three of us. My gal and I have talked much about marriage, child rearing, money, religion, domestic duties, sex (LOL!), and all the stuff you should - and things look great - so I am close to proposing.
Besides just natural nervousness about getting married again after a bad divorce - I am nervous about being a dad. I do like kids (I have many nieces and nephews), and when I was young I saw myself having a family, but I am older and this is going be a life change. Heck - it already is to some extent! We are spending much time together - so I am getting used to having barbies on my coffee table and food crumbs and spills all over my living room, and occassional emotional breakdowns by the little girl.
Besides being a stepdad, I am seriously thinking about being a biological dad too. She has told me she would love to have one with me - but it is okay if I don't - since she has a child already. We know there are biological issues at her age - so I need to decide soon. I think I would be a great dad -it would be nice to have a little part of me running around - but I am no spring chicken anymore.
On the plus side I am more mature, successful, and good financially. If we have a baby - I can support her being a full time mommy for the first couple of years - which she said she would love to do. She loves being a mom and taking care of children. So that would help things.
Anyone out there had any experience with having children late in life? Whether step children or biological children?
I'm young so of course i have never experienced that. But i just want to say that it's an experience that if you want kids you should have. Just watch a few episodes of a baby story on tlc to see the fathers reactions. I don't think there is anything quite like seeing your child come into the world. Holding and caring for a brand new little life.
Just make sure it's something you both really want (obviously it isn't something you can take back), disscuss it with her daughter she has been an only child so long that it may be a big adjustment for her (that really depends on her though...some kids react good some don't), think about your age when the child will be graduating hs etc (not really a big concern if you and your girlfriend are both in good health and take care of yourselvs).
Just consider everything, and keep in mind that obviously the older she gets the harder it will be for her to get pregnant and the harder the pregnancy will be on her phsycialy, so disscuss and decide what you two want to do. Don't think of all the challeges you will face so much as the joy a baby will bring and just going through the experience of watching a part of you grow and learn and all the fun stuff that comes with parenting. Lots of things in life are a challenge, raising children is certinly one of them....but i think most parents would agree that it is worth it.
I know sooo many couples who are having children later in life...it seems to be a growing trend these days. Many of the positives are some of the things that you have mentioned...being more mature, financially stable. Yes, You will do the math about how old you will be when the child turns 18...but if you think that you can do it...go for it. There really is nothing like having your own child!! And wouldn't it be bad if you spent the rest of your life playing the "what if" game. I know 1 dad who was 38 with his 1st and 40 with his 2nd. And another dad who was 42 with his first. I belong to a babysitting co-op and my hubby and I were babies being 28 with our 1st. The next youngest dad was 36. Three more were just shy of 40! It doesn't seem to be a big deal these days.
If you do want a baby, you should get working on it pretty soon...as your honey is getting older. She will face some more risks being over 35...and that is something that you both will need to think about, but we all face risks...that's life. Good luck with what you decide!!
"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh
Hi maxwell, well I had my 3 children earlier in life and very glad I did. But my brother had his first child when he was 45 (his wife was 37) and she's the love of his life. It was a big change in their lifestyle (both being first time parents), but they wouldn't want to change it for the world. I don't know if your "stepdaughter" has a relationship with her half brothers, but when I look at my sons (17, 14, 12) have fun together, I thank God I gave them each other so that later in life they won't be alone to carry the pains of life (ex: taking care of sick old mother and father, our deaths etc). If you feel that you want a child and that your gilfriend wants one too, go for it!!! If we had all listen to our if's and but's most of us wouldn't have had children.
As for your stepdaughter, it's nice that you love her and have a great relationship with her. Having a good father figure (one that treats her with love and respect) is very important in a little girl's life. It's this relationship that is the basis of how well she will let herself be treated by boys/men.
We waited until we were comfortable financially and emotionally to have kids. I was 37 when DS was born and DH was 39. Sure it would've been nice to have kids at an early age and have them be self reliant by the time I reached this age, but I'm not so sure I'd have been as patient and I KNOW I'd have been worried about money all the time.
Hi. My husband had his first when he was 19. He then had our son when he was 40. He tells me all the time how much better it is this time (not to take away from the first son). He has the time, patience, maturity, financial ability,and is still plenty young enough for all the fun. The only scary thing to him is how old he will be when he is paying for college. Good luck and congratulations!
YOUR NOT TOO OLD
I am 36 , DH 46 and we have had 2 babies in the last 2 years...Our daughter will be 15 months on the 27th of this month and our son is 6 weeks old
Also my step brother also 46, his wife 38 are expecting there 3rd child ( a little girl ) , they already have 2 boys aged 2 and 3.....
Plenty of people wait till later in life when they are more stable and secure before they have children....
DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004
You should also think about how this will change your stepdaughter's life, for nine years she has been an only child, having a sibling could be either positive or negative, so I definently think you should talk it over with her, if you are serious. Not only will she have to share your attention, but she will have to share the responsibility, babysitting and so forth. I hope all turns out well!
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My girls (10 & 11) attend a private school where the majority of their friends parents are a bit older. In fact, when we meet parents who are, say in their late 20's or early 30's, we think "wow, they started young". Late 30's, 40's and early to mid 50's is the norm for the parents of our girls. That makes many of them about your age or older when their kids were born. I say go for it. It sounds like you will be a wonderful stepdaddy AND a wonder daddy to a new baby. Best wishes for you -- what are you waiting for PROPOSE to the lady already!
"Older" parents are NOT all that uncommon these days. We had children later than I would have liked my husband and I were 42 and 38 when our first came into our live via the miracle of adoption and our bio surprise was born just a few weeks before my 40th b-day. I always expected to be "the oldest" Mom at school functions, etc ... but I'm NOT!!!
A little late replying to this thread but oh well.....
Anyway my husband is a daddy for the first time at the age of 47. I am 30. I was married before and have a 9 year old son. We now have a daughter that is 13 months old. He was married before too but his wife already had a daughter and couldn't have anymore. Well their marriage ended. When we got together I asked him if he wanted kids and he said if he did it was fine and if he didn't that was fine too. He knew I wanted at least one more. Well after 2 months of trying he was going to be a daddy. And let me tell you, that little girl has her daddy wrapped around that little finger. He is a great step dad and daddy.