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Old 12-29-2004, 11:02 PM   #1
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puzzled1 HB User
Unhappy Post Partum

I have a question, I need help with.

I and my wife are new parents we have a wonderfull 4 mos old that we both are so happy to have. However I have noticed a serious change in my wifes behavior, a serious one! I cant give every single detail here I would be here all day, so I have to abbreviate when I can here and give the important details. In a nut shell I have noticed a serious lack of interest in our relationship on her part, she has been putting alot of distance between myself and the baby, she makes every excuse in the world to my parents so they cant see the baby, she does the same to my grandmother as well as other family members of mine.

That being said she makes every effort and goes above and beyond to allow her family to see the baby. I have expressed how I feel like shes shoving me out of the babys life including shoving my family away as well. She claims I'm full of you know what. Such is not the case, she works 4 days a week her mother watches the baby during the day ( mind you she wont let my mother watch the baby).
She cant stand to be away from the baby for one minute NOT 1. Also evertime I have the baby shes always trying to tell me what to do ( I grew up with babys in my house I'm the oldest of 5) so I feel I have a better handle on how to handle a baby than her, but she insists (even to the ponit of cuasing arguments over it) on giving me crap over how I handle the baby.

It feels like she hording the baby for herself and the only ones capable or allowed outside of her to handle the baby is someone from her family.Its very very fustraiting to deal with and its killing our marriage.

I'm not the only one noticing these newly aquired traits she has. Others including my mother,grandmother,father also notice how shes being.

Could this be post partum? or something more deep rooted. I'm going nuts trying to figure out how to handle this and I'm not making any progress talking to her its like she see me as the enemy and it hurts.

I should point out we dont live together at the momentI live in a new house we just aquired and she lives with her mother due to my lovely new neighbor dumping chemicals in his back yard and the vapors permiate into our basement, which makes for an unsafe enviroment for the baby,so hence she ls living with her mother until this issue gets resolved (hopefully soon).

Any advice would be well appreciated.

Thanks
JACK

Last edited by puzzled1; 12-29-2004 at 11:08 PM.

 
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Old 12-30-2004, 01:20 AM   #2
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crisma HB User
Re: Post Partum

I really haven't heard of that with post-partum, but it very well could be. Has she ever had any issues with your family? Maybe it could be from that? I have to say that when my oldest son was born I was the same way with my husband. He had more experience than I did because he already had another son, but for some reason I had it in my head that only I could take care of the baby the way it should be done. I learned pretty quick that I knew nothing and he came to the rescue, lol ! Does your wife have other control issues? Maybe that is some of it. I would just keep talking to her about your feelings without sounding accusing(sp?). Also, remember this is your baby too! Good luck to you.

 
Old 12-30-2004, 03:32 AM   #3
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Re: Post Partum

Someone needs to (gentily) explain to your wife that everyone does things differently when it comes to a baby. My midwife stressed this point before we had our first. Then once he was born I felt like your wife, like my way was the best, even though I had no real experience. But I had to take faith and keep repeating in my head that my husband was going to care for and treat my son differently. It was hard at first, but I always bit my tongue when I saw him do something that I wouldn't do. None of it bad or dangerous, just different. After a few weeks I began to relax. And it has also helped with all of the grandparents too. They do some wacky things with their grandson, but he's always just fine! I think she may find that she actually likes all of the extra help once she calms down a bit. I know I did. A lot of women go through some trust issues and a "supermom" complex once they have a baby. They feel like they need to do it all themselves.

Keep talking to her. Like the other poster said, this is your baby too. And if she still wont budge after a few months, perhaps you should talk to a counselor. YOur wife may be so stuck in her way of thinking that she really needs a trained professional to help her see her ways and that they are hurting your relationship. Many many women out there would kill to have a husband who wants to help out more with the baby, she should feel blessed. Hang in there poppa...don't just let this one go
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Old 12-30-2004, 04:17 AM   #4
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Re: Post Partum

Hi, after reading your post it actually sent a chill down my spine, I could have been reading about myself I have a 15 month old daughter and a 8 week old son and also find myself VERY protective and as much as I hate to admit it, domineering when it comes to my babies. The difference being my partner is quite happy to leave me with the caring of our children, but we have issues with his family. I have to ask is there any abuse in your wifes past ? The reason I ask is because I KNOW that is what my problem is. I have abuse in my past and therefore find it VERY difficult to trust ANYONE ! I feel like I am always on red alert and this is very stressful Recently I actually banned my father inlaw from coming here AT ALL ! Cutting a long story short he was constantly harrassing us and wanting to come and stay every other weekend for the WHOLE weekend, so I already had issues with him, but then recently he made a couple of very inappropriate remarks to my 15 months old, so I have banned him from ever coming near us again. I know this is probably off topic, but I can only relate to how I feel ( similar to your wife ) and WHY I feel this way. Of course all new mothers are VERY protective of their babies, but when it is as out of control like I am and like your wife seems to be then it sounds like there is some underlying issues with your wife. Its a bit hard to advise you really without knowing why she is acting this way? If there isnt abuse issues with your wife, how did she get along with your family before the baby was born ? Has she always had a problem with them or is this a new thing ? In how to deal with the situation I really dont know, I would like the answer to that question myself Anyway I hope you can get to the bottom of this and get some help for you wife as I can tell you first hand it is very stressful to have feelings like you cant trust anyone.
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Old 12-30-2004, 06:50 AM   #5
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Re: Post Partum

I'm kind of funny about my inlaws, too. I had issues about them before because of the way I was treated by them early on in my relationship with DH. But I have to constantly watch my FIL 'cuz he's always shoving food (choking sized bites) into DS's mouth. I just about flipped out when he was going to give him malted milk balls. And he has a nasty hanky that he pulls out of his pocket all the time to wipe off DS's face. Total gross out! MIL is so concerned about germs and cleanliness (which is a good thing) that she doesn't stay focused on keeping DS safe -- like preventing him from falling down.

I don't ban my inlaws from seeing them, but I feel I have to be vigilant around them 'cuz I'm not comfortable with the way they sometimes do things. And it is stressful when they watch him because they don't keep him on schedule. I'm not that strict about a schedule, but they're so busy playing with him that he doesn't get a nap, eat his lunch or get to sleep at a reasonable time that he's unconsolable by the time we get him home.

I know they raised DH and his brother, but sometimes I just wonder how they ever survived.

On another note, when my inlaws have volunteered to watch DS, or we've gone places together and they insist on watching him -- I find DS, who is 1 1/2 years old -- all by himself playing with stuff he shouldn't be playing with. It's as if they want to show him off, play with him and then they forget about him. I ran to the store the other night and left him at their house -- I got back 45 minutes later, they were watching their show and he was in the kitchen dumping sugar all over the floor and emptying their cupboards.

Last edited by Ratatosk; 12-30-2004 at 06:53 AM.

 
Old 12-30-2004, 08:23 AM   #6
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puzzled1 HB User
Re: Post Partum

I really appreciate your replys, thank you very much, its difficult to explain the every detail of the story without the post looking like a short novel,to everyone in order to get the most effective replies.

To the poster who asked is there any abuse in her history, my answer is I suppose one could say that. Although not physical abuse or sexual, I would say definitely emotional and verbal. Her mother is from Portugal and the father from Italy (so she is a lil spitfire,lovable, but definitly a spitfire). Her parnets have been in this country since they where in there teens and they are very kind family oriented hard working people. However that said, her mother prior to the baby being born was/can be difficult to get along with, Not that I experienced it personally but have done so thru my wife over the years. To make a long story short my has told me story of how her parents ruled there house with a heavy hand ( and not to stereotype but its sounds tpyical of a lot of older country ways, you know very old school) in doing this to there daughter her mother spoke and up to recently (i.e. since the birth of the baby) in a horrible manner in a very demeaning and condensending way.

Me and my wife have been together for 8 years going on 9 this May dating and married since last July. When we 1st told her mother my wife was pregnat she shunned my wife from her life and wouldnt talk to her for 4 months of the pregnancy ( this hurt my wife deeply). When this happened,and my wife turned to my mother and my mother was there for her and gave her support and was ready and willing to help out. My wife embraced this support and she cultimated a good relationship with my mother and father which is why this new attitude she has is mind blowing not to mention hurtful to myself and my parents.

Now over the years of dating my now wife I noticed a trend in my wifes behavior with regards to her mother. #1 I would hear the stories of how her mother treated/treats her then on the other hand my wife would go waaay out of her way to do anything to please this woman who treated her like crap,which I could never understand whay she tolerated it so much.

Well after a while you can probably imagine how I viewed it, I got tired of it and asked my wife "why do you continue to bother trying to make it right with a women who treats you like crap?" Her answer was always some excuse on her mothers behalf, well I took a back seat because it is her mother (although I didnt agree with what was going ) and I chose to let her deal with it,because when if I said anything she would get ****** off even though I was looking out for her.

Well along comes baby as beautiful as can be and boy I was and still on are a high from her having this baby. Anyway all the sudden her mother just cant get enough of this baby, you know the lady who wanted nothing to do with her daughter ya thats the one(hear the sarcasm in that last comment.Now dont get me wrong I'm very happy her mother is okay with things now for my babys sake I want her to be in the babys life and I'm all for lettting bygones be bygones so now and my wife has a great relationship with her mother and this is great I'm happy for her I truly am, however remember my 1 st post now shes alienating everyone else around her especially me and my family and that fact that shes living there isnt herlping matters either,but hopefuly that will be resolved soon.

Every word out of her mouth is I need to do this or that for the baby, for the baby,for the baby. OK I understand the baby takes presidence OK NO Problem I well aware of that and dont mind that,however she letting everything else aorund her fall apart and she seriously doesnt care. I know when my wife is serious and she is dead serious she doesnt care if I'm around or my family and shes made that abundantly clear on more that one occasion.

So this is why I sitting here thinking could this be post partum or what I'm completely drawing a blank as to how to approach this. The divorce word has been thrown around and I admit I'm guilty of saying it myself out of fustration because I cant seem to get my wife to hear me, she listens to me but doesnt hear me and does nothing about it anything when I try and talk to her, I'm at my wits end so I' said mentioned divorce. I might also note I have recanted that statement and apolagized to her and told I only said it out of complete fustration.

Now to me I see her as using this baby as a tool to better her realtionship with her mother, which I dont agree with but are helpless to stop it. She says it isnt so but I whole heartly believe that and in combination with possible post partum makes this situation worse.

My fear is I love my little girl so much I feel like I'm going to be shoved out and not get to know or be with her like I want to and bond with her. She's 4 months old I feel like she doenst know her daddy like she knows her uncle or grandfather, this whole thing is really hurting.

Is it possible any of this is from post partum and is so does post partum go away?ever?

Last edited by puzzled1; 12-30-2004 at 08:40 AM.

 
Old 01-04-2005, 06:58 AM   #7
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Re: Post Partum

How long have you been living in different houses? I think that's the big key here. If you are not living in the house, particularly at night when she has to get up in the middle of the night with the baby, whether or not she's so tired she can barely hold her wthout dropping her, your wife may be a little resentful that you're not there to help out, although she probably won't recognize or acknowledge this until years later. She is probably feeling like a married "single" mom is my guess. I was a married "single" mom with my first child, although my husband lived with us, just would never lift a finger to help out with the baby (that's another story). I didn't realize that I was resentful until quite a while later. Do you have to live in the other house until the problem with the neighbor is taken care of, or can you just spend some time over there dealing with the situation and live with your wife and baby?

 
Old 01-05-2005, 03:05 PM   #8
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Re: Post Partum

I can soooo relate to what you are saying, but from your wife's point of view. When our first son was born I had similar feelings to your wife, I had to do everything, I wouldn't leave the baby alone with my husband, even to run to the store, wouldn't leave him with ANYONE. You just feel like something horrible will happen as soon as the baby is out of your sight. She is more comfortable with her family because she KNOWS them, really knows them. I don't care how long you have been together, you never know anyone elses family as well as you know your own. I didn't feel comfortable leaving our kids with the inlaws, it still bugs me a little, but I have really been working at my anxiety. That is pretty much the root of it, anxiety, not depression. Also with my inlaws, they are older (my husband is older than me by 7 yrs) and my father in law has heart problems. He is pretty healthy, but he can suffer unexpected heart irregularities and has to go to emergency. What if our kids were there and my mother in law had to rush him to emergency? These kinds of things might not occur to you, but she will go over thousands of awful scinerios in her mind of things that could happen to the baby. The anxiety will decrease with time, as the baby becomes older and more independant she will have to let go a little, and it will be gradual. If she is willing you could have her see a doctor and maybe get some meds for her anxiety, but I assure you, it is pretty normal. The good news is it will be way better with any future children, the first one seems to be the hardest to let go of. Take care and I hope this helps. If you have any more questions I will do my best to answer, just post here and I will keep checking back

 
Old 01-06-2005, 12:42 PM   #9
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Ksavage HB User
Re: Post Partum

Honestly, this does not sound like post partum. It sounds like a 1st time Mommy. Even though she seems to be going a bit overboard with her parents. I was the exact same way 2 years ago when my daughter was born, but after some time I was able to back off. I now realize that my husband has his way of doing things for her and then there is my way....THE RIGHT WAY. All in all, she will survive, whoever happens to be taking care of her.

Is there anyway at all that you can spend a few nights a week with your family at you in-laws house? I really think that might help this situation out a bit. And even if you do know more about taking care of babies than your wife......go ahead and just aske her how she does certain things. Let her feel as if you need her help at times. I know it sounds silly, but it might help her relax at the thought of someone else doing things for her baby girl. Even though she is just as much your baby as she is your wifes. In your wife's head (& most 1st time Moms) nobody is as good as she is. That is just human nature I am afraid.

If she is OK with leaving the baby with her Mom, try getting her to go out to dinner with you and a nice quiet evening will do wonders. BUT......she just might want to drag the baby along with you. But either way, you need to do your best to spend some time alone as well as a family. That is what is missing right now.

I am sure your neighbor could care less, but is he aware that his actions have caused you and your family to be seperated? I would try really hard to have an adult conversation with this jerk.

I wish the answer to your question could be YES! It is post partum and will go away very soon. But I am afraid it is just natural. BUT......give her Mother a little time and she be back to her hatefull self and your wife will get sick of it. It will just take time for the "knew" to ware off of the baby.

Good luck and hang in there. I admire your strength and encourage you to hang on to it for as long as you can.

We will be here for you to vent anytime you need us. You have a lot of Mommy's here to help you understand. (if that is possible, but we will do our best)

Kim
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