Post Partum - Parenting Issues Message Board

puzzled1 · 12-30-2004, 12:02 AM

I have a question, I need help with.

I and my wife are new parents we have a wonderfull 4 mos old that we both are so happy to have. However I have noticed a serious change in my wifes behavior, a serious one! I cant give every single detail here I would be here all day, so I have to abbreviate when I can here and give the important details. In a nut shell I have noticed a serious lack of interest in our relationship on her part, she has been putting alot of distance between myself and the baby, she makes every excuse in the world to my parents so they cant see the baby, she does the same to my grandmother as well as other family members of mine.

That being said she makes every effort and goes above and beyond to allow her family to see the baby. I have expressed how I feel like shes shoving me out of the babys life including shoving my family away as well. She claims I'm full of you know what. Such is not the case, she works 4 days a week her mother watches the baby during the day ( mind you she wont let my mother watch the baby).
She cant stand to be away from the baby for one minute NOT 1. Also evertime I have the baby shes always trying to tell me what to do ( I grew up with babys in my house I'm the oldest of 5) so I feel I have a better handle on how to handle a baby than her, but she insists (even to the ponit of cuasing arguments over it) on giving me crap over how I handle the baby.

It feels like she hording the baby for herself and the only ones capable or allowed outside of her to handle the baby is someone from her family.Its very very fustraiting to deal with and its killing our marriage.

I'm not the only one noticing these newly aquired traits she has. Others including my mother,grandmother,father also notice how shes being.

Could this be post partum? or something more deep rooted. I'm going nuts trying to figure out how to handle this and I'm not making any progress talking to her its like she see me as the enemy and it hurts.

I should point out we dont live together at the momentI live in a new house we just aquired and she lives with her mother due to my lovely new neighbor dumping chemicals in his back yard and the vapors permiate into our basement, which makes for an unsafe enviroment for the baby,so hence she ls living with her mother until this issue gets resolved (hopefully soon).

Any advice would be well appreciated.

Thanks
JACK

crisma · 12-30-2004, 02:20 AM

I really haven't heard of that with post-partum, but it very well could be. Has she ever had any issues with your family? Maybe it could be from that? I have to say that when my oldest son was born I was the same way with my husband. He had more experience than I did because he already had another son, but for some reason I had it in my head that only I could take care of the baby the way it should be done. I learned pretty quick that I knew nothing and he came to the rescue, lol ! Does your wife have other control issues? Maybe that is some of it. I would just keep talking to her about your feelings without sounding accusing(sp?). Also, remember this is your baby too! Good luck to you.

Kiera1595 · 12-30-2004, 04:32 AM

Someone needs to (gentily) explain to your wife that everyone does things differently when it comes to a baby. My midwife stressed this point before we had our first. Then once he was born I felt like your wife, like my way was the best, even though I had no real experience. But I had to take faith and keep repeating in my head that my husband was going to care for and treat my son differently. It was hard at first, but I always bit my tongue when I saw him do something that I wouldn't do. None of it bad or dangerous, just different. After a few weeks I began to relax. And it has also helped with all of the grandparents too. They do some wacky things with their grandson, but he's always just fine! I think she may find that she actually likes all of the extra help once she calms down a bit. I know I did. A lot of women go through some trust issues and a "supermom" complex once they have a baby. They feel like they need to do it all themselves.

Keep talking to her. Like the other poster said, this is your baby too. And if she still wont budge after a few months, perhaps you should talk to a counselor. YOur wife may be so stuck in her way of thinking that she really needs a trained professional to help her see her ways and that they are hurting your relationship. Many many women out there would kill to have a husband who wants to help out more with the baby, she should feel blessed. Hang in there poppa...don't just let this one go

haleysmum · 12-30-2004, 05:17 AM

Hi, after reading your post it actually sent a chill down my spine, I could have been reading about myself

I have a 15 month old daughter and a 8 week old son and also find myself VERY protective and as much as I hate to admit it, domineering when it comes to my babies. The difference being my partner is quite happy to leave me with the caring of our children, but we have issues with his family. I have to ask is there any abuse in your wifes past ? The reason I ask is because I KNOW that is what my problem is. I have abuse in my past and therefore find it VERY difficult to trust ANYONE ! I feel like I am always on red alert and this is very stressful

Recently I actually banned my father inlaw from coming here AT ALL ! Cutting a long story short he was constantly harrassing us and wanting to come and stay every other weekend for the WHOLE weekend, so I already had issues with him, but then recently he made a couple of very inappropriate remarks to my 15 months old, so I have banned him from ever coming near us again. I know this is probably off topic, but I can only relate to how I feel ( similar to your wife ) and WHY I feel this way. Of course all new mothers are VERY protective of their babies, but when it is as out of control like I am and like your wife seems to be then it sounds like there is some underlying issues with your wife. Its a bit hard to advise you really without knowing why she is acting this way? If there isnt abuse issues with your wife, how did she get along with your family before the baby was born ? Has she always had a problem with them or is this a new thing ? In how to deal with the situation I really dont know, I would like the answer to that question myself

Anyway I hope you can get to the bottom of this and get some help for you wife as I can tell you first hand it is very stressful to have feelings like you cant trust anyone.

Ratatosk · 12-30-2004, 07:50 AM

I'm kind of funny about my inlaws, too. I had issues about them before because of the way I was treated by them early on in my relationship with DH. But I have to constantly watch my FIL 'cuz he's always shoving food (choking sized bites) into DS's mouth. I just about flipped out when he was going to give him malted milk balls. And he has a nasty hanky that he pulls out of his pocket all the time to wipe off DS's face. Total gross out! MIL is so concerned about germs and cleanliness (which is a good thing) that she doesn't stay focused on keeping DS safe -- like preventing him from falling down.

I don't ban my inlaws from seeing them, but I feel I have to be vigilant around them 'cuz I'm not comfortable with the way they sometimes do things. And it is stressful when they watch him because they don't keep him on schedule. I'm not that strict about a schedule, but they're so busy playing with him that he doesn't get a nap, eat his lunch or get to sleep at a reasonable time that he's unconsolable by the time we get him home.

I know they raised DH and his brother, but sometimes I just wonder how they ever survived.

On another note, when my inlaws have volunteered to watch DS, or we've gone places together and they insist on watching him -- I find DS, who is 1 1/2 years old -- all by himself playing with stuff he shouldn't be playing with. It's as if they want to show him off, play with him and then they forget about him. I ran to the store the other night and left him at their house -- I got back 45 minutes later, they were watching their show and he was in the kitchen dumping sugar all over the floor and emptying their cupboards.