My daughter is going to be 14 this month. She has had 2 best friends since Kindergarten. A couple of months ago one of her best friends went on a school trip but my daughter and the other friend did not go with her.
When this friend returned, she was paying more attention to the girls that went with her on this trip than to my daughter. My daughter told her best friend that she was hurt by this and now the "best friend" won't speak to her. She has called my daughter a "baby" and a "b...." and she tells my daughter that she isn't allowed to sit at the same table as the rest of the girls at lunch.
This so called best friend says that she now knows that my daughter was "holding" her back and that she has new friends now. She also said that she was tired of my daughter "following them around". I'm sorry, but isn't that what best friend do? Everytime my daughter is around the "best friend" talks behind her back.
This has really hurt my daughter. She is so upset. The other "best friend" also treated her this way but has since started talking to her. This friend has told her that they have all changed and everyone is different now. This friend won't talk to my daughter when the other friend is around because she doesn't want that friend to get mad. These girls are really into boys (they are 13) and even though my daughter loves boys also, she loves her horse more! They say that she is immature because she doesn't want to go to the mall and find boys. She would rather go to the barn and find her horse!!
My question is this: How do I help her cope with this. She has 2 great friends that also own horses and understands what she is going through. They are so supportive. Just because you have different interests, is that a reason to push the other person away??? Can't you still be friends and still have different interests? Should she try to be friends with them again? All of her other friends are also so supportive of her.
Well, I'm not a teen anymore, but I'm not that far away, and I remember those days clearly. I had friends "dump me" too. I was also sensitive, but I had to learn to get over it, and make new friends who wouldn't treat me that way. Your daughter needs to realize that she is a sweet special girl who needs friends who realize that. Those that don't aren't worth it.
Girls are so mean in highschool, and that is the worst age. Everyone will chill and loosen up a bit in a few years. But girls are just mean. Encourage your daughter to forget all about them and move on. Try to build her self esteem, because no matter how good it was before and how good a job you have been doing up til now, junior high and early highschool can absolutely destroy it. I remember it well.
Tell her that not everyone will be nice to her and like her, and she shouldn't care if they don't if she hasn't done anything wrong. Tell her she's getting a little taste of how some people in the world are, and it's just something she's going to have to learn to deal with and not let it get to her.
Stress strength. Every girl needs it at this age!
DS born 07/05/2003
DD born 3/24/2005
Last edited by Administrator; 01-10-2005 at 10:29 PM.
Its up to her to decide if she still wants to be friends with them. I know that u want to help her but I'm the same age as her and I cant stand it when my mom tries to give me advice, trust me, things like this happen all the time in middle school and highschool and no more than a few months everyone is friends again, I get in fights with some of my best friends all the time but we make up in the end. If ur daughter is really friends with 2 girls who have been ditching her she'll figure out a way to still be friends with them. No just because they have different intrests doesnt mean they have to push each other away but sometimes that happens.
Just let ur daughter try to figure her own problems out, I know thats hard but u need to let her make her own mistakes, and for all u know ur daughter could be a compltely different person when shes at school. Good luck
Last edited by Administrator; 01-10-2005 at 10:30 PM.
Middle school is that time when hormones are all over the place and kids start to develop their sense of self. They get really self-conscious and just want to fit in. I'm only 20 but I can remember it well and I see it all the time because I teach a religious education class for 10 6th grade (11 & 12 year olds) girls. They are really immature and only want to fit in and belong.
It sounds like right now your daughter is a little more mature than they are. She realizes that boys aren't everything. Friendships are constantly being broken and bonded at this time because the kids get older and realize their differences. When we're young, we all enjoy the same things, like dolls and just having fun playing outside. But, as girls mature, they start to get into things like fashion, dating boys, makeup, etc; Hopefully your daughter will be able to stay true to her hobbies and herself!
These old "best friends" sound like they're just trying to identify themselves with other people and trying to fit in. As your daughter gets older I'm sure she'll meet other girls (or guys) that share a common interest with her and these friendships will be the best ones! Just try and think back, did you hang out with all the same kids from elementary school through high school? Probably not, because you had differing interests.
Last edited by Administrator; 01-10-2005 at 10:30 PM.
Your daughter needs to toughen up, and you need to show her how. Things like this happen throughout life, why? Because thats life. Face it, you are not going to be able to be by her side through everything, this will be hard to do, but the sooner she learns the better off she will be. Teach her to be a leader and not a follower.
Actually, my daughter is a leader, not a follower and I know that life can be tough. But my daughter was a very good friend to these girls and it was a very big blow to her. She has a ton of friends outside of school and yes she does have good friends inside of school. It has just been very hard on her and I just needed some good advice which I got from some posters. The advice that was given to me was the advice I had given her and I appreciate the information.
My daughter is very active in clubs, some of which she is an officer and such and she is mature for her age. She is in different horsebackriding competions and she is a very good student. But even with all of that you can still hurt when your friends do this to you.
And to the teenager that offered the advice to me about helping my daughter(icantbeperfect): Even though you are a teenager please don't assume that just because you don't want advice from your mom doesn't mean that my daughter doesn't want advice from her mom. How do you think I found out about this in the first place? My daughter and I are very close. Yes, I'm definately sure that she talks to her friends about things that she doesn't want me to know about. That's fine with me. I don't need her to tell me everything. I really trust her. But when she comes to me with a problem I will always be here for her. That is my job. I am her mother. Hopefully, we will always have this relationship. I leave her alone when she wants to be left alone (trust me, I am quite older than you, but I still remember being a teen) and I'm here when she needs me. We do a ton of things together and so far she hasn't treated me like I'm the scum of the earth. Whenever she needs me, I will always be here for her. Not to baby her but just to listen and yes, give advice when she needs it.
Thanks to everyone for your advice.
Last edited by brittsmom8; 01-09-2005 at 06:35 AM.
brittsmom, I think your an awesome mother. Sounds like you really care about your daughter, love her more than anything on the face of this planet, and you want her to grow. I can see where it was a huge blow to your daughter. I mean really these are two girls she's grown up with since kindergarden. It sounds like she's really mature for her age, how many girls would go up to their friends and say something to them if they were hurt or upset at them?! At this age most girls just get their friends to tell them or their friends tell someone else and so one. Its a very tough age, but im sure its easier on her knowing your there for her no matter what! Try and let her know that you completely understand how hurt she is, but those girls arnt worth it. Maybe in a couple of months when they realize those other girls arn't really their friends, they will see how much they hurt your daughter.
"Without a struggle, there can by no progres."- Fredick Douglas
Last edited by Administrator; 01-10-2005 at 10:28 PM.
teenage girls can be b!tch3$. trust me, i know, i am one. i've noticed that around that age, friends start to split or get tighter. in a couple years that same girl's "new" friends may "dump" her and she'll come running back to your daughter. that didnt even take a couple of years for one fo my friends to come running back to me. maybe it was best that they split if they're interests started separating and they are finding out about themselves. everything will work out in the end. and remember...everything will be okay in the end; if it's not okay, it's not the end.
ThE bEsT tHiNgS iN lIfE aRe UnSeEn; ThAt'S wHy We ClOsE oUr EyEs WhEn We KiSs, CrY & dReAm
I think it is really great that you and daughter have such an open relationship and she was able to share with you her feelings about her friends.. As many others have posted that friendships come and go at that age.. after all it is an age (teenage years) of experiementation where kids try to figure out who they are and how they fit in this world... As we all get older our interests change and sometimes our peer groups do as well.. I know when I was your daughters age I was had several very close friends.. but by the time we hit high school most of us went our separate ways because of our interests.. one that especially hurt me was a friend of mine who was actually a distanct cousin.. she started hanging out with the wrong crowd and got into drugs.. I didnt want to be a part of that but it hurt me that our friendship had changed..I had another friend who was into sports and althetics.. I wasnt very athethic so that relationship fizzled too.... just think dont we usually pick our life's mates based on common interests, values, beliefs etc??
I think the best thing you can do is to encourage your daughter to spend time with her friends from the horse stables.. encourage other activities that she enjoys to make new friends there.. unfortunately other than that there is not much more you can do.... just continue being open and there for your daughter in her times of need.. sounds like you are doing a great job already.. best wishes!!
Married DH - February 10, 2004 DD Avery Born - November 23, 2004