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Old 01-09-2005, 06:15 PM   #1
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Ksavage HB User
Angry Venting about RUDE people!

We are a family of 3 & for some reason, people feel the need to tell us that it is time for us to have another baby! I have a medical condition that keeps me from being able to carry a baby to full term. I was lucky enough to carry my daughter up to 32 weeks before I delivered her at 3 pounds. I have been told that I have a 22% chance of being able to carry another baby that far.
We have decided against risking that. I do not think that we could handle having a baby so early that it will not be able to survive. Since we know the odds and we went through so much with my daughter we just do not feel like we should attempt to have another. Even though we would love to have several more.
I feel very blessed that my 2 year old is healthy and happy & we are very happy with our family the way it is. But, I do get sad and it does in fact bother me, that we will not be having anymore.

How do people have the nerve to make such comments? They my not know the reason for us stopping at 1 child, but why is it any of their concern? I am on the verge of writting to Dear Abby to find out the best way to handle these people. This is just such a personal and private matter for a couple that I would never think of giving my opinion in the matter.

I have even gone as far as to lie to people when they do ask about more children just to avoid the dirty & confused looks. I just say that one of these days........& then try to leave it at that.

Then I have family & even a few friends that try to convince me that Doctors allways make mistakes and they are just wrong about the strength of my cervix! Then there are others who try to tell us that we could allways adopt another. Not that I am agaonst adoption.....BUT WHO SAYS WE HAVE TO HAVE MORE THAN 1 CHILD?????? I mean GEEESH! The last time I checked, being an only child was in no way, shape, or form some sort of child abuse!

I sorry for venting, but thanks for letting me. I just ran into 4 different people in town today and I had to have to same "visits" 4 different times. & the funny thin that each and everytime I walked away feeling a bit sad for my sweet little daughter. They just make you feel like she is ALL ALONE & has nobody to play with.

How should I handle these people? I thought a short medical explination would suffice, but they do not even except that. I am just on the verge of being flat out rude! WHY NOT? They are being rude!

Uuuuuuuuuuugh!
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Old 01-10-2005, 03:31 AM   #2
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Kiera1595 HB User
Re: Venting about RUDE people!

First of all screw what everyone else thinks! They're being rude, be rude back. Just say that you are not going to have anymore due to personal reasons. If they keep pressing say it's none of their business. And mention that if they are so baby gung-ho maybe THEY should have a baby.

Everyone loves to ask that question to anyone who has kids or who is of that age. Unfortunately for you, it is a sensitive subject. For those who don't know your situation, try to let it roll off your back. But for those who do know you, I say it's time to stop feeling bad and tell them how you really feel.

Second of all. Don't feel bad for your daughter being "all alone". I was an only child and I LOVED IT. Never having to share my parents, toys, room! Having all of the attntion to myself! It was great. I also have tons of friends who were all only children and they all feel the same way. Yes, there were a few times when I wished I had a sibling to play with, but it was more of I just wanted SOMEBODY to play with at the time. I think that we as parents sometimes put emotions on our young children that they aren't really feeling. Just make sure she has a play group or a few friends to keep her company until she gets into school.

Hang in there mom! I hate feeling like you have to answer to people about personal issues in your life. There are just some people out there who like to get into everyone's business. These also tend to be the same people who will tell you there whole life's story the 1st time you meet them. Some people just don't know how to keep their big mouths shut!!!

 
Old 01-10-2005, 07:00 AM   #3
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MandyAnne26 HB User
Re: Venting about RUDE people!

I would either stick with what your saying...that maybe someday or tell people that it isn't safe for you to have another child. And leave it at that, it really isn't any of their business. Even if you didn't want anymore even though you could safely have anymore it isn't any of their business.....
Family and close friends can be told politely that you don't want to risk having another child prematurly and that you would be happy if they just left the issue alone.

 
Old 01-10-2005, 08:23 AM   #4
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Ratatosk HB UserRatatosk HB User
Re: Venting about RUDE people!

DS has a genetic disease -- he looks fine, but it takes a lot of work and medication to keep him relatively healthy and because DH and I are both carriers of this disease there's a 25% chance that any other children we have would have the same disease -- most of the people we know of who have this same disease have more than one child with it.

Now while wed love to have another child, were not so sure we want to risk it. If we were younger we might consider pgd, but I hear IVF can take a lot out of a person, plus the costs involved. Wed rather put our money to better use, such as planning for DSs future medical expenses & care. But back to the topic at hand. I usually just keep my mouth shut when I get these types of inquiries. DH on the other hand gives a long speech about how our day starts at 6 and we spend two hours on treatments, etc. before work and again after work at 5 and then again before we go to bed at night and then he describes the genetic mutation. Sometimes throws in that the average life expectancy of a person with this disease is mid-30s. He figures if someone is nosy enough or rude enough to make such comments, then hes going to make them feel really embarrassed about their comments.

Last edited by Ratatosk; 01-10-2005 at 08:23 AM.

 
Old 01-10-2005, 10:49 AM   #5
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siren1024 HB User
Re: Venting about RUDE people!

You are lucky to have your daughter. And I don't blame you ONE bit for not being willing to risk another pregnancy. I had a friend who lost 3 babies in a row between 20-24 weeks due to an incompetent cervix. She even had a circlage with the last one and it didn't hold. There is no way I would ever chance that type of pain. People are always asking her "Why don't you try one more time? It could be okay." Her response is that she wouldn't survive the pain of losing another baby. She even recently had a tubal ligation to prevent future pregnancies, and everyone gave her a really hard time about it. She and her husband have no children. They love kids so much.

But I would just tell people you're done having children and their comments aren't appreciated. I'm sure they all have the best of intentions, but you have to gently but firmly tell them the matter is not open for discussion and leave it at that. If they keep up, like Ratatosk said, go into detail and embarrass them. They asked for it.
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Married 09/28/2002
DS born 07/05/2003
DD born 3/24/2005

 
Old 01-10-2005, 03:12 PM   #6
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Ksavage HB User
Re: Venting about RUDE people!

I am usually a very caring and loveing person, but this has got me to the point of being down right mean. I just can't get over the fact that people are so rude and think they are important enough for us to "consider THEIR feelings" on expanding our family.

We have so much fun with Riley, that even if we were going to have another baby, it would not be for quite a while. I would not want to miss out on the fun we have together. I want all my time for her right now. I am sure I will allways feel that way. Not that we would not be the same with another, but we are as happy as could be with our family just the way it is.

The only friends and family that do not give us a hard time are the ones that took care of us when Riley was in the NICU for such a long time. They saw 1st hand what we went through and it was just as hard on them as it was on us. They know exactly how we feel.

Ratatosk, I have a friend that has a son with CF and we are becoming closer by the day. Her baby was recently diagnosed and you gave me some advice on how to talk with her. I was afraid of saying something stupid, or hurting her feelings. I guess I had those fears because mine had been hurt so many times. And I am sure people never intented to do that. I did not want to be that way. She is now starting to run into the same problems with people that I am having. They were give the same stats that you were about having another baby with CF. & she is like you DH. She goes into the long drawn-out story and details to them and I can actually see them slowly back away and dart theiir eyes aroung looking for a "way out" of the conversation. It is quite funny.

Well, I feel much better about this issue and will share these posts with DH & maybe that will help him as well. Thank you for the understand and support. It is well needed.

I guess I better go play with Riley.......she is an ONLY CHILD ya know!

Thanks again ladies!

Kim
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Old 01-10-2005, 08:20 PM   #7
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kerry1 HB User
Re: Venting about RUDE people!

You're right. That's extremely rude of people to tell you how many children to have, and what kind of shape your cervix is in. I wouldn't argue with them - just say "That's not an open topic for discussion."

There are advantages to being an only child, and disadvantages. Big deal. I don't have any children at all and I'm too old to start. You are lucky to have one healthy little cutie-pie - don't let them rain on your parade.

 
Old 01-10-2005, 08:26 PM   #8
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Soulcatcher HB User
Re: Venting about RUDE people!

People do say rude things. I have three little ones and people come up to me and say "haven't you heard of birth control" or the typical "as long as you can support them and we don't" Who do they think they are? God blessed you with one which a bunch of these people would give up half their own lives to hold just one child of their own. You do NOT have to explain or have a come back. So I get the other end of the spectrum. Congrats on the one you have.

 
Old 01-19-2005, 09:24 AM   #9
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littlegreek25 HB User
Re: Venting about RUDE people!

Soulcatcher,
I cannot believe people actually come up to you and say things like that. That is SO rude! It is no one's business how many children you have. Where do they get off saying anything to you!! What do you say back to them? That makes me so mad! I know I don't know you, but I would love to be there when someone came up to you and said something like that. I'd tell them where to go and how to get there. I'd also say a few other choice words that I can't say here on Health Boards, but I'm sure you can imagine. I wish you the best of luck, and hugs to you and your beautiful children.

Amy

 
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