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Old 01-12-2005, 07:15 PM   #1
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MarkH HB User
help, lazy 10 and 9 year olds

**Warning**, long winded blurb ahead...


I flipped my lid tonight. Daughter is 10, son is 9. They can't do anything for themselves and I finally blew up tonight. It's like talking to a doorknob.

It's the same battles every single night. Starts with do your home work, they totally doddle around and takes them forever to do it. Then we have to tell them repeatedly to get in the shower. Then we have to remind them each night to pick up their dirty laundry and put it in the hamper. Then we have to remind them to brush their teeth. They'll call for us repeatedly when they want something but hardly respond when we ask for something. I can be in the next room and call either name and I *might* get a response if I'm lucky.

Our children have gone as far as blaming us for bad test scores because we didn't make them study enough or we forgot to tell them that they needed to study. Her's just one example: Both kids have a spelling test every wednesday and vocabulary test every friday, they bring home word lists each week but if we don't sit with them and make them study it, or read it out loud to them then they'll never even look at it.


Son is the quiet type, doesn't argue back but won't do anything unless you ask him then does it without much of an argument.

Tonight, dd was being real sassy, talking back, fighting with us, etc. She started yelling at me when I aksed her for the fourth time to brush her teeth that she had a bad day. Well I had this strip of plastic in my hand and wapped her on the bottom with it. We never hit our kids and she was totally shocked but I had her attention so I went on a rant, made them look at their homework folders and told them it was their responsibility and that we would not be reminding them to do their homework anymore and they'd have to face the embarassment of getting a bad mark if it wasn't done. (Told them we would be happy to help if they needed it but would not be responsible to make sure it gets done anymore). Then I went into a rant about them picking up their clothes eveynight and that at 9 and 10 they should be able to remember to do this. Then I went into a rant about them not helping or cleaning up after themselves. I ranted about anything I could..

I know I'm right but still feel guilty about flipping out. I know both kids went to bed tonight hating me. Even with that in mind, I want to keep my momentum going without pushing too hard.

They pretty much do nothing to help us at all and without turning into a slave driver overnight I'm thinking of setting up a chore list of some type.
I want to make them understand that they need to help themselves and be responsible for their own actions instead of waiting for us to tell them to do everything.

They currently only have one chore which is to feed the dogs and we have to remind them each and every night and then they fight about who did it last. I want to expand the chore list to taking out the trash, feeding some of the other pets, helping shovel snow, helping clean the yard, etc..

I'm looking for help from those that have corrected or encountered this behavior before. How much can I push without pushing too much? Do you think that my actions/plan so far sound reasonable?

Thanks,

Mark

 
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Old 01-13-2005, 12:58 AM   #2
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Sherri-Lynne HB User
Re: help, lazy 10 and 9 year olds

Mark,
I was and still am lazy. And as bad as this sounds I blame this on my parents. But my father takes full resposibility for it. When I was really young we had to pick chores out of a bowl. I think it was 3 a day, and we did them. But then my father ended up being the one that was home at night and he let us pick what we wanted for supper (that's why I like no food, lived off grilled cheese) and then we watched TV. He felt bad for making us do anything, he thought we should enjoy ourselves. Now I am having to do everything and find it so hard to get motivated.

Do you give them an allowence? If not that could be incentive for them to do things. If you do than stop until they start doing chores. I like the chores in the jar rather than having a list. Or make them have a couple of things on a list and then pick a couple from the jar, that way they are always doing different things along with the regular stuff.

Good Luck---SL

 
Old 01-13-2005, 10:03 AM   #3
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Mica09 HB User
Re: help, lazy 10 and 9 year olds

Hi Mark,I'm not saying that I'm better !! We all do the same thing!!

But I'll try to say something that Dr. Phil would probably say to us:

Here are some of your quoteS:

" It's like TALKING to a doorknob - We have to TELL THEM repeatedly - Then we have to REMIND THEM each night - Then we have to REMIND THEM to brush their teeth - When I ASKED HER for the FOURTH TIME - Then I WENT INTO A RANTabout them picking up their clothes EVERYNIGHT - Then I WENT INTO A RANT about not helping or cleaning up after themselves. - We HAVE TO REMIND them EACH AND EVERY NIGHT" .

I see that you do a lot of talking but what is the consequence for them not listening to you. More ranting???? It is very clear that asking them to do something is not working because 1. you probably do not go through with your threats - or nothing happens 2. They still have everything they want. Parents send their kids to their bedroom as punishment nowadays when they are surounded by their toys, books, vcr, video games, computer etc. What kind of punishment is that?

I saw an episode of Dr. Phil were he recommended to parents who were experiencing similar problems that : they should start stripping their child's bedroom of all it's contents except for the bed and sheets, and all of their other stuff and that kids should EARN them back. He went as far as sometimes having to give away their stuff to charity.

I think our children are getting everything they want without lifting a finger so why should they try. I think we are not doing them a favor by doing this, because that's not how it works in the adult world.

Easier said than done

Last edited by Mica09; 01-13-2005 at 10:04 AM.

 
Old 01-13-2005, 10:46 AM   #4
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Soulcatcher HB User
Re: help, lazy 10 and 9 year olds

I have to agree! How will they like it if the clothes that were on the floor ended up in a trash bag and all they had to wear to school was whatever they had left and this would go on until they realize that they had to put their clothes in the hamper.
Put them in seperate areas to do their homework and if it is not done by dinner then they do NOT get dinner. It will NOT kill your kids but they will learn. You have to follow through, do NOT say something if you are not going to do it and do not cave in because you feel sorry for them, let them leave the house wearing one orange sock and one pink sock and pants that no longer fit with an old holy tie dyed shirt. This WILL get them to want their own clothes back. As far as feeding the dog let them know that the dog will be given away, find a friend to call and say "yes I am calling about the ad you have in the paper about the dog your giving away?' make sure they answer the phone!
They sound like they have you suckered, It also sounds like you have had enough and are wising up to them. You go mamma! Your on a roll and it's very much OK to yell at your children now and again in fustration. I do recommend looking for the Dr.Phil book on parenting he has GREAT tips.

 
Old 01-13-2005, 11:30 AM   #5
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Re: help, lazy 10 and 9 year olds

I agree with the two posts above. It sounds like you're making threats and not following through with them. How was I raised? Well, let's just say that my mother told me one time and if she had to tell me again? Let's just say I got more than "wapped". I'm not saying beat your kids or anything, but letting them know you mean business is a very good way to get their attention. See what happened when you wapped your daughter? My point exactly. Dr. Phil's advice is great. Strip their rooms. Or, like Soulcatcher said, let them see what happens when they don't pick up their clothes or other personal belongings off the floor. I left my stuff on the floor, and do you know where it wound up? I sure don't, but I know it was gone. Show 'em you mean business!!! YOU are the parent-THEY are the children. Not vice-versa.

 
Old 01-13-2005, 12:21 PM   #6
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susieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB User
Re: help, lazy 10 and 9 year olds

I am not lazy and never was. I helped out in my house growing up and I have to tell you that when I was punished, I was punished. I was never hit by either parent, but when I was grounded, I was grounded and didn't move from my house until the grounding period was over. If it was two weeks, it lasted two weeks. My mother ALWAYS followed through with everything she said. Good & bad. If I did something good, I was rewarded and if I did something bad, I was punished. In my house, both my brother and I knew my mom would go through with whatever she said so we thought twice about doing something we would get in trouble for. And she never had to ask us twice to do something.
I am 42 yrs old and kids are alot different now than when I was young. They get away with murder and because society is the way it is, they're lazy and mouthy.
I agree with the other posters - Make a chore list, make a homework rule and make up a punishment if these tasks are not completed. The most important thing is STICKING TO IT. No matter "how bad" you may feel, don't let them sucker you into it. If they know there are boundaries and repercussion for their actions, they will straighten up.

 
Old 01-13-2005, 01:37 PM   #7
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Ksavage HB User
Re: help, lazy 10 and 9 year olds

You have gotten some GREAT ADVICE! What ever you do....don't give in. Especially because they make you feel guilty. I commend you for try to make things better, but you need to realize, it was you that allowed things to get carried this way. Now, let it be you that fixes things. It is going to a long hard road, but when they get the idea that you mean business, they will stop pushing you.

And beleive it or not....you can do this without raising your voice. As long as you stick to what you say. If you tell them their clothes will not be washed if they are not put in the hamper.....just simply don't wash them. Just like what soulcatcher said. Let them go off to school looking quite silly. It will only happen once. & when it does come to that....make them go to school. Take them b the hand if you have to. Now....they might do a lot of yelling in the begining, but you will also have to decide what you are willing to put up with. As far as them disrespecting your rules.

I know this so well.......BECAUSE MY MOTHER DID IT TO ME!
I about died when she quite yelling at me to get stuff done. I thought it was great. I did not have to listen to her gripe at me anymore. That lasted about a week and the house was totally trashed. She would just come home from work and lock herself in her room. W/out a word. There were no clothes, no dishes, no bath towels......they were all dirty & all over the house. After about a week, my brothers and I finally realized that she was on strike. DUH! On top of the fact that I had to stay after school 2 or 3 days for not having my homework finished.

We got the picture pretty quick and things were much better around the house. It took us forever to get everything caught up that did not get done for that week. But, my mom never had to do all that stuff by herself anymore. We were'tn the happiest kids on the block, but she was sure the happiest Mom on the block.

Give it a try, and be tuogh. Don't cave whatever you do.

Keep us posted & hang around, I will be with the exact same problem before too long! I think a lot of kids go through stage.
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......and that's all I have to say about that.......

 
Old 01-14-2005, 01:25 PM   #8
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kierstyn_04 HB User
Re: help, lazy 10 and 9 year olds

When they leave something on the floor whether it be clothes toys , books, whatever, put it in a trash bag and hide it in your closet or something. It will wake them up. Then after a few months, pull some out nad let them reappear in the laundry. Also there isnt much else to do but homework when you have to sit at the dining room table with NOT TV and no talking till it is done, period. My kids come home, they get a snack and then they have homework at the dining room table, no tv, no music, no phone and no talking till it is done. Their grades are way way better. When they fight let them fight, nobody wants to feed the dog, give the dog away to a good home! Show them that you are in charge! Period.

 
Old 01-16-2005, 05:39 AM   #9
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MarkH HB User
Re: help, lazy 10 and 9 year olds

Thanks everyone for the advice, I'll discuss with my wife and let you know the results at some future date.

Mark

 
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