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Old 01-20-2005, 02:48 PM   #1
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whatamess@35 HB User
raising teenagers and keepig my sanity..is it possible??

Oh my where do i start???
I guess the beginning would be a good place huh?
I have a 17 year old son that has always been a very good kid!!
He used to make good grades even..We moved to a better neighborhood and he hated it from the start..We dont have alot of money..So he didnt dress like the other kids,He was never outgoing.So he just stood out ,i guess..They began to pick on him and so his personal hell began.I tried to talk to him and tell him to stand up and talk back..Nobody was hitting him just the usual bantering..but it really took a toll on him.To the point his grades have never been the same!!Through the years me and his dad have stayed together but we are far from the perfect couple.THere isnt any drinking going on here or beatings .No screaming matches.Just an eerie silence and a feeling that everyone knows something isnt right ,i guess you could say!!We have basically just stayed together for the kids ...Right or wrong 18 years later here we are!!I always thought boys spent time with the dad girls with the mom..Un til i started seeing just the last few years what a mistake that was!!!My husband doesnt deal with feelings very well.H ewould rather pretend nothing is going on than deal with anything..Our kids included..He is smarter than our kids no matter what etc..Well my son has in the past year basically told me that he blames me for all his problems cause i left him with his dad while i worked in the evening.Also i have not been the best mom.I take full responsibility for my part.I had problems dealing with the life i chose and instead of staying home i would leave 4-5 nites a week to go visit my sister..Leaving my kids here.When i was home everyone would be on their puters anyway while i would sit alone in the livig room anyway..So thats what i did!I have tried talking with him..I have apologized.It just doesnt seem to matter to him!!!Skip frwd to this last year.My son got his first g/f dec of 2003.She became his world.We started going to counseling around the same time ..all of this was starting to come out as well...He began to just push us aside and put all of his energy into her..Well about 3 months after they began dating he tells me he wants to marry her.I lost my job ..We ended counseling!!.I said i want to see you finish school..Well this past october they got engaged.. rings and all without my knowing he just comes in saying they got them on her credit ..She is one year older than he is.He is 17 she is 18.Expecting me to jump up and down with excitement i guess??Her mom and grandpa were so happy they said that they were calling everyone!!!!I said if he were making good grades and i thought he would gradute this year i would feel differently...Well fast frwd to now..He is NOT going to gradute with his class..There is no way..He is making failing grades!!He wants to move outta here and in with her and her mom and sister!!
He is planning on getting his GED and they are suppose to get married next year i guess..OH hereis another kicker they have planned a 9 thousand dolar wedding..I havent been able to work for the past year because of a disabilty and we have been barely been able to pay our bills and he asks me if i am gonna help them??I ask him if he could help us around here and he says he thinks it is our job as his parents to take care of him ..not the other way around!!!!!So i have told my hubby he is getting NOTHING else from us!!!!We have never spoiled our kids We have 2 him and our daughter that is 13.She is NOT like him at all!!!We have always tried to give them a nice christmas and a nice birthday but otherwise there are no extras really..No nike tennis shoes..No south pole clothes..No name brand anything on my kids backs!!I go to second hand stores and get my clothes even!!!They wear the same coat until they grow out of them!!So i cant figure out why he is acting like this!!!
Whe n he turns 18 in july i truely believe he will move in with her and her family and i will just lose my son forever!!!
I am so tore up over all this!!!I have tried all i know to do with this kid!!!
Since he has been basically acting as if he doesnt care about any of us..I have not been driving him to work or picking him up either..I am letting him know what it feels like to be on his own if thats truely what he wants!!Yet i feel terrible about doing it at the same time!!
I guess i just needed to let some of this out somewhere but would love to hear what some of you other pparents think of all this ~

 
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Old 01-21-2005, 07:16 AM   #2
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Mica09 HB User
Re: raising teenagers and keepig my sanity..is it possible??

Hi whatamess, sorry to hear that things are not going to well. By what you are saying it seems that the family have a lot of issues to deal with. But it's not worth beating yourself over the past. You did what you thaught was best. You cannot change the past, what is done is done. What is important now is how you deal with your present so you have a chance for a happier future. How is therapy going? Is it helping? One book I would recommend for you to read is "Family First" by Dr. Phil. He has a lot of advice that is very common sense.

I think your son is very confused at the moment. By what you said, it seems that communication was practically non existent in your house, so your son was not equipped to deal with his feelings when things got really bad. I think that at the moment this girl is giving him the attention/affection that he felt he never had. I think he will marry this girl no matter what you say or do. The more you go against it, the more he'll want to do it and the more distant he will become. I think what I would do is tell him why I feel it's not the best thing to get married right now but that I would support him if that's what he really wanted (if it's a mistake, he'll learn the hard way) - but that I couldn't afford to help out financially for the wedding.

When you say you asked him to help out, in what way did you mean? If your son wants to be treated like an adult, he has to accept everthing that goes with being an adult. That means being fully responsible for himself and his family (wife) - emotionally, financially etc. Tell him he can't have it both ways - You can't be expected to be treated like an adult if you still depend on your parents for a lot of things. If he wants to continue staying at home I would give him certain conditions either 1) go to school 2) if not, find a job and earn his keep.

 
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