I am not really sure where to post this. Almost 3 weeks ago my STBXW(soon to be ex wife) said she wanted to move out. Said she needed some time away, to think things over. I said ok. She then moved herself and the 2 daughters to another town, 20 miles away where she worked and put them in school there. 1 week after she started staying at her new place, she promptly moved in her new BF. A man she had met on the internet months ago and hadn't met in person until the day before she moved him in with them. My daughters are 6 and 8. They were already having problems with the idea of seperation, let alone divorce. So in the space of about 2 weeks, they loast there home, school, family, and have a strange man living with them. What is likely to be the effect on there mental and emotional well being? I really need help so I can decide what I should do. I DO NOT want to cause any more harm to their psyches than already has been done
I have not talked to a social work, but have talked to two therapists. I have also talked to a lawyer. Both therapist say that this is not a good thing for them, but I am unsure how to proceed. I DON'T want to start a big fight, but she INSISTS this is for the BEST interest of the girls
Last night while trying to get them into bed, the oldest was acting up. Finally I just asked her why she was doing that. Then the fireworks really started. She started crying and said she wanted to stay here all the time. That mom had the BF, and how she didn't like BF there, that it was wrong, but she couldnt tell here mom or take it out on her because then the BF might leave and not love her any more, and then if BF left mom wouldn't love her anymore. She said some stuff about how mom told them they had to treat the BF with respect, but she feels her mother isn't trating her that way. She said she does not wont the BF there. What to do?
Last edited by iridium_pegasus; 01-23-2005 at 10:04 AM.
Your situation is such a common one these days. Sure you could go for custody. Even if you got custody your daughters would miss their mother as much as they
miss you now. Worse case you dont get custody and your ex-wife takes it out on
you which your daughters could loose from as well. Such a sad situation. I wonder
if group counseling for you and your daughters would be of help. Maybe a counselor
would have some suggestions that could help you decide what's best. Good Luck
I aksed her today if there was anyone she wanted to talked to about this stuff, I was hoping she say her school counselar. She said just me and my mother, because she trusts us. I asked her why didn't want to tell her mom this too, she said she didn't trust her mother. I am so concerned right now. I don't want to alienate her from her mom. But I also don't want to let her stay in a situation she has no control over and doesnt want to be there. I just wish I knew what the right thing to do was.
Encouraging her to talk to the school counselor might be helpful. They certainly
have dealt with this situation many times. Plus if the counselor was to contact
her mother maybe she would be more considerate of your dauthers.
I'm not clear - are these girls your daughters, stepdaughters, adopted daughters?? How much legal right do you have? I don't think your ex has the right to say that she knows what's best for the kids and yank them away from you all of a sudden. I'm assuming you have not abused them. Please don't take offense at that, because I'm assuming that you have NOT.
When I was a little girl I wished my parents would divorce so I could go live with my father. They never got divorced. Later, my father said Oh no, I would never take you away from your mother - it would hurt her feelings. I was thinking, what about MY feelings?!
Your little girls' feelings are delicate as glass right now. Please tread carefully (you seem to be). I hope you can convince your ex that they're not her property, either.
they are MY daughters. And no, I have never abused them. I would kill myself first. I was physically abused by my father. I worried about that all the time. I had a hard time even spanking them, because I was always thinking about whether it was right or wrong and such. The ex says she knows what is best for them period. She has said where they will live, when they can be with me, what school they go to. I am so afraid of doing the wrong thing and making it worse for them. They already have so much against them now. Seeing a lawyer soon.
That is simply awful!!
Now, if you DO talk to your ex about what she told your oldest daughter it will be out that your daughter did tell you something that she's "not supposed to".
What it DOES tell me is that there are things going on out there that your ex doesn't want you to know about. Bad news either way.
I wouldn't call her Mom a liar to your oldest daughter's face, but I would laugh a little and tell her very reassuringly that you are her father and whatever she would talk to her mom about she can certainly talk to you about. Except what to get you for Christmas.
Like that kind of.
I'm really appalled at your ex. She sounds like a bully. If she knew what's best for her daughters, she would stay on friendly terms with you, be flexible about custody, and would definitely NOT have a boyfriend moving in with her that she barely knows. She would know that your little girls love you AND need you both. She would be gentle with their feelings and not use them as little pawns in her game. Do you have a good lawyer? You need to borrow money if necessary to get good legal counsel. You also need to stand your ground with your ex. It's really hard when you're afraid she's going to snatch your own children away from you, but it's what you need to do!! I'm rooting for you.
Got a lawyer, papers have been filed, going for primary physical custody of my daughters. As part of going to court I have been writing down everything I can rememeber about what she said and did. The day before she went to get her BF, she told me she was going to scar the children for life. The day before that, she had told me that it was time for her to be selfish. Of course I didn't know about the BF moving in then. I had asked her, when she told me she was moving out, if she was going to hook up with this guy and she said no. The oldest has told me that the new BF hurt her. And then her mom just told her he didn't mean too. Now I know kids don't always get things right, I wasn't there, I don't know what happened, but I have to believe my daughter, but also I can't just go over there and take them away. I had the girls this weekend. My STBXW was the one that told me when I could see them and not see them. Both of them told me they wanted to stay tonight, and have me take them to daycare in the morning. The STBXW said she needed to talk to the oldest, so I let her. I could tell she was saying something to to guilt her into going back tonight, because the oldest was saying stuff like I guess so and OK maybe that is fair. I don't know if this was the right thing to do but it is what I did. I took the phone back from my daughter, covered it so W couldn't hear and told my oldest, if you want to go back to your mom's thats fine, if you don't that's fine too. You decide and I will back you on your decision. I have told the W many times that if the girls don't feel like seeing or talking to me, they don't HAVE too. I feel, with all that's going on in their lives, they shouldn't be forced to be with one parent or the other if they don't want to be.
The W has also told people how she plans to go to Canada after tax season, she works in a cpa firm. She has talked about moving there before. She tells people about how much her daughter like the new BF, but she seems to forget to mention that she told them that they HAVE to respect him and treat him nice, no matter how they feel. She even made a deal with the oldest, that she would buy her some nice stuff, if she treats the BF nice. All I tell my oldest is that I love her, and to always be HONEST about what she feels with EVERYONE. Not to tell me something because she thinks thats what I want to hear. I am so turned around inside. I just want to be the best Dad I can be and do what is right for my girls.
The ex is planning to move to Canada? With the girls, I suppose? If you're all US citizens, that's going to be difficult because from what I know, both parents have to remain in the same country - even the same state - as each other to have joint custody of their children.
Divorces are usually so hard on children, but especially hard when one parent gets mean & manipulative. My stomach hurts just thinking about your situation; I can imagine how your little girls' stomachs feel. Poor things. I hope they end up with you.