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Old 02-11-2005, 09:19 AM   #1
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Did my parents make the right choice?

i'm 15... and Me and my mom and my step dad... have went though a lot of problems latly... and i wanted to know if you all would have handled these problems the same way as my parents did or would you have handled them to this extent.... ok i have been a pretty good teen... and well i was on internet one night... and my parents were in the bed... and this guy i liked came on and was like you wanna sneak out with me and i was like no ..and he keep it up ..and then finally i was like you can sneak in .. so he was like ok i will be there in a min .. well before i could even think about it he was here... and i kinda wanted to tell him to leave but it was to late... well i brought him in .. and we went up stairs... and then my dog started going off so i went down stairs and my parents were up ..and i was tring not to frick out... and tried to stay cool... and then they went back to bed or at least i though so i want back up stairs and i locked my door ...and then me and him were talking ...and then we just kissed and then some one knocked on my door... and it was my mom... and she found him in my room ..well she dragged him down the stairs ..and my step dad about beat the crap out of him... and he got his gun out and laid it on the table to scare him.. and then called the police and the guys parents... and they ? him ..and then the boys mom came and they waited untill the cops came .. and the cops really couldn't do much cause he was under 18 and i invited him in... so the cops just warned me and him both.. and sent them home... well after every oen was gone my parents went off on me... and said that i was off the cheerleading team.. i had lost the phone ..and my cell phone... and that i couldn't go to my dads unless they explained the situation to my dad.. and that was one of the last things i wanted ... cause he don't care that much for me already... and they told me that i was home bound till they trusted me again... well i was ok with that ... but my parents already treated me like crap ..and now its ever worse... and i made one miss take... and i would do anything to take it back.. and they told me that what i did was worst then getting pregant.. and i didn't think that was worse than that .. but what i think is they were thinking about there rep... and thats it..about it getting around town... well it has been over a month sence this has happened..and they have just now let me have the phone..back... i still cant go any were and i can only talk on the phone if i am in front of them... and they will every now and then let 1 friend come over.. but it has to be someone they trust... and they let me go to one ball game a few days ago but i had to sit with them well i was ok with that ... i just brought all my friends up with them...and then thay started juging my friends saying they smoked pot and everthing.. and i know they didn't .. and they wouldn't even let me go to the bathroom... so all my friends had left to go run around..and i was sitting in front of my parents alone..and i was watching the cheerleaders... and i had been a cheerleader for about4 years... and before i became a cheerleader i would have doen anything to be on the team..well when i got on the team my parents didn't much likeme being on the team... and wouldn't come to my ballgames or anything... and i would have done anything for them just to come watch me... well finally this year they came to 2 or 3 of my ballgames ..and i was so happy...and then they took that away from me..... and at the game all the souden started crign my eyes out... and i ran out of the gym.. and my parents about died.. well when i cam back .. my parents had seen i had been crying and well they were like were leaving... just because i wen tout of the gym... and i'm not allowed to go to anymore ballgames... and they still dont trust me... and the other day the told me that they would never forgive me.... and i hurt so bad inside... i just want to know if all of you parents would have done the same thing.. it would help alot.. to know what you all think... i'm really sorry that... this is so long..
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Old 02-13-2005, 04:42 AM   #2
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rfj120 HB User
Re: Did my parents make the right choice?

Your story is sad and just a little confusing, Roxy. Inviting a guy into your parents home late at night and without their knowing is definitely uncool and maybe a bit risky unless you really know the guy (and are sure he ain't a rapist, thief or serial graffiti artist). But it's no worse than stuff many of us did as teens. Of course, when we become parents we don't exactly forget what it was like to be a teen but we somehow develop a burning need to protect our kids from every mistake and bad decision we made ourselves. Of course it never quite works out that way.

Now you say you were kissing this guy who was there at your invitation. (I'm assuming, since you didn't say different, that you were fully clothed and barely touching anything but your lips. ) You're both under 18 and it was perfectly legal, but your step dad beat him up, pulled a gun then called the cops and the cops gave your friend a hard time? Seems to me it was your step dad who needed the talking to.

They say that trust is something that takes a lifetime to build and about a minute to lose. I think your parents overreacted based on what you're telling us but it's you who need to work to regain their trust. You might start with your Mom if you can find a time when you're alone and getting along and just talk to her: why it happened, how you're sorry, what you plan to do in the future and why her reaction hurt you. I hope you both have enough good will to communicate about it rationally or the years until you're able to move out on your own could be pretty tense and unpleasant.

Last edited by rfj120; 02-13-2005 at 11:38 AM.

 
Old 02-13-2005, 06:01 AM   #3
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Momx2in04 HB User
Re: Did my parents make the right choice?

I agree...your story is sad...it sounds to me like you are getting pretty harshly reprimanded. I remember being 15 and thinking my parents weren't fond of me, but I can assure you that isn't likely to be the case. I am a mom of a 3 month old girl now and I dread the teenage years just because I know she will do things wrong and even though I understand the feelings teens have, I'll have to discipline her and give her limitations to keep her safe and teach her to be a good person. That said, I think it's also important for your parents to set a good example for you about forgiveness and love. It is wrong of them to say they'll never forgive you...there is nothing a child can do that should ever make a parent feel that way...parental love should be unconditional. Obviously, what you did was wrong...but there are certainly better ways to handle it. I understand a loss of trust happened...if they didn't "punish" you somehow then maybe you'd have done more and worse things...or at least that would be their fear. But, they have to give you some means of earning back the things you love to do, like cheerleading (which I think I a great healthy way for a teenage girl to spend spare time!), and a way to earn back their trust. They will have to let you slowly start doing more things on your own again, and as they see that you are following their curfews and rules, etc, they can see that what you did was a one-time mistake that you feel bad about and they can begin to trust you. You are only 15; it's unreasonable for them to expect you never to mess up, or for you to never be trusted out again or be able to do things you enjoy. You were in the wrong in the situation with the boy, but they are not handling this very well. They really need to be setting a good example for you, and this isn't how to do it. Hang in there....I hope that things get better. Try talking to your parents calmly and asking them if there are things you can do to begin earning back your priveleges and their trust. And they should absolotely let you see your father...to keep you from a parent is not right...so fight for it. These are the hardest years...but I PROMISE...things will get easier! Let us know how you are doing, okay?

 
Old 02-13-2005, 06:59 PM   #4
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kazy HB User
Re: Did my parents make the right choice?

Thanks for you replys i didn't think i was going to get any and sry that it was so confusing. Yes i knew the guy and i went to school with him for about a year...when i got caught with this boy i was fully clothed...and when my mom knocked on the door our first thing i though was for him to hide so he steped in my closet... which she looked in..well the hole cop thing my stepdad is a x cop... and he knows all the cops ...and he knew that they couldn't do anything...so he asked some of his buddys to come and speck to him..or scare him as i would put it... but it has been about 2 months sence this happened... and they let me talk on the phone.. and thats about it.

After this happened i was nice ..and i pretty well kissed their butts...for about a month... and then once i seen that this didn't help i stoped.. and i do get pretty mad at them at times... but now i find anyway to get out of the house... like the other day i got a job... just to have some time away from them .... but tonight we got into a arguement which i know didn't help me any... we got into it cause i was getting short with them.... and i know i was ... but they treat me like crap ..and i don't know if they notice it or not.

But.... me and my mom .. get along most of the time but its me and my step-dad that don't... like my mom has forgiven me for what i did... but my stepdad on the other hand is the one ... that said that he will never forgive me ... and my life as i know it will never be the same....And me step-dad is the boss of the house and what he says goes... But im not a only child i have a stepbrother...and if this would have happen to him ..it would be a hole diffrent story ... he would have probably grounded him for a week or two then ... he could do what ever he wanted...But yea i know i deserve punishment ... and i accept that but i don't think i deserve this much punishment..... i mean... i feel like i live in hell....

But you all were saying in your replys that you had done worse... can you kinda give me some examples .... cause i think my mom needs to hear some ...cause she thinks ... that there is nothing worse then what i did...

But thank you all lots for the replys they have helped me alot...on the inside.... i just have to try to work with my parents... thanks...kazy
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Old 02-16-2005, 02:11 AM   #5
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Re: Did my parents make the right choice?

I know it's hard -- sometimes damn near impossible -- but your best choice is always to keep your cool. If you're going to have any peace at home you'll have to work to keep a civil relationship with your Mom. If she truly is going to choose your step-dad over you (unfortunately it does happen) she's going to drive a wedge between you and make sure you engage in risky behaviour when you have the chance, if not out of spite then just to relieve the boredom of being controlled 24/7.

For me I think it's always bad parenting to punish your kid by taking away things that matter, like sports and creative activities: take away the tv or the vid games or some party. But to make your kid vegetate at home instead of being fit and active is like shooting yourself in the foot.

As for examples of bad behaviour, I could give you a few (gulp) but I don't know they'd matter to your mom. My situation was quite a bit different. For one thing I was never caught. But basically my parents never talked to me, certainly not about sex or relationships. The closest my dad ever came to talking to me about sex was when he told me I was getting big enough to wear a jockstrap! And once my mom asked if I was having sex with my gf and I said I didnt think it was any of her business. To my surprise she agreed and it was never mentioned again. I hope for your sake you can find a way to communicate a lot better with your mom, or even your natural dad. The only way I know to do that is to be super patient, keep your cool, and pray they respond in kind.

Good luck!

 
Old 02-16-2005, 03:11 AM   #6
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layla= HB User
Re: Did my parents make the right choice?

ok I am 24 and a mum, i made lots of mistakes but not as many as my mum did as a parent, she DIDNT care. Your parents do, perhaps because you are not so bad when you do something so irresponsible it shocks them. I know if my daughter invited someone i never knew into my house then i would react in the same way, there are alot of bad people out there and you put your families life in danger, what if he had been a mad man? Find a time to sit with your mum undisturbed explain to her what you did and why you did it, then explain why you understand their anger and you feel you have learnt alot, say sorry for scaring her and tell her you love her, and the way things have been lately have made you see that all you want is to make them happy, ask what you can do to make them proud, not necessarily to do as they want to show that you are trying to understand them aswell. Good luck and remember your mum will love you no matter what you do or what she says motherly love can't be broken xx

Last edited by layla=; 02-16-2005 at 03:13 AM.

 
Old 02-24-2005, 10:39 AM   #7
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Re: Did my parents make the right choice?

I was pretty much a horrible teenager... I smarted off and snuck out (got taken in by the police once and my parents were called in at 2am to pick me up), stayed out until all hours of the night with undesireable kids, drank and smoked, skipped school, had boys over when my parents were not home, lied about who I was with AND had sex at 15. Needless to say, that lead to me being pregnant at 17. My parents battled with me a lot and I fought back at every chance. One day, they put me in a 30 day inpatient program at a local hospital. I HATED it for the first few days... until I realized I did have a problem and it needed to be fixed.

But in all of that turmoil, my parents NEVER took away my sports and school related activities. I think these are very important in a child's life and need to be encouraged not used as a tool for punishment. I had my phone priviledges removed and added back gradually (I didn't have a cell then, no kids did and hardly any parents yet) and I was not allowed to have friends over or go to their house. I thought that was a fair punishment considering the things I did. However, I did make sure to keep my grades high and keep out of trouble in school so what I had left was not taken away, too. So I think that yes, your punishment is probably a little unfair in regards to your Cheerleading and school activities. Now I can see the games being an issue because it is a social event if you're not participating. I agree that you need to try and work with your Mom first and talk to her about what happened. Little things like this will help build that trust back up and hopefully, she will be able to sway your stepdad, too. You might try to approach him as well and talk to him about it. Tell him that you're sorry and that you want to have a good relationship with him where trust is both earned and given. You never know, sometimes people just need an outreached hand...

BTW, please tell whomever said kissing a boy that snuck in late at night is worse than being pregnant or doing drugs that they are so very, very wrong. I could write a list of things I'd rather my daughter not do than kiss a boy, because I've done them....

Good luck and keep us posted.

 
Old 02-25-2005, 09:26 PM   #8
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arock HB User
Re: Did my parents make the right choice?

kazy, it needs to be said that being a parent is an enormous challenge and that parents are just people, they don't always know what to do, so they can sometimes just do whatever they first think of, esp when it comes to teens and sex. so, try to forgive them, if you haven't already, they were raised by people who were just as clueless, kids do not come with instructions!

as for you, you're a good kid, sounds like, quit letting boys in your room! *lol* seriously. and don't sneak out either. being a teenager is so hard, so confusing and so demanding. it sucks, i remember it well! good news though, it doesn't last forever, and if you go away to college then you can do what you like and keep in touch w/ m&d via phone calls. so work hard, get good grades, try to talk m&d into letting you back on the cheer squad, that really is a positive atmosphere and helps to build a good work ethic, maybe you could get a coach to intercede on your behalf? and make sure you get into a good college right after high school, because that's when your life will really begin. all the rest of this stuff you just have to get through to get to the good stuff. and stay away from the boys! as much as you can anyway ;-).

just be careful, okay? you don't want to end up a college dropout housewife crying over her kid on the internet do you?! major in business and get yourself a slammin career, girl!

 
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