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Old 02-24-2005, 03:38 PM   #1
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need advice, new marriage crazy 13 year old

my oldest girl will be 13 in june and she's really grown up for her age minus being naieve. but she's driving me and my new husband insane and we've tried everything we can think of and nothing is working. I didn't see anything on the board that was similiar so I thought i'd post this...

in the last six months she's started this whole anger issue thing, being violent towards everyone and destructive. The cops have been at our place on several occasion because of her. She hates her seven year old brother and her moods change from one minute to the next expeciall when the other kids come home from daycare.

I've been trying to get her to talk to me about things but she gives me this same copout, that it's normal for he to talk to other people and not talk to her family, because an officer had told her that. She has NO respect for anyone and HATES adults and adult authority. We've tried taking things away from her, grounding,my husband even lets her play his xbox and when she misbehaves he takes that away too.

She wears guy clothes, dresses like a guy, shaved her hair super short and when i tried to get her to talk about it, she says she hates being a woman and men have it easier, that mens clothes fit better, cause thier looser. right now she's also got a weight problem. she's been kicked out of school for her violent behavior, she's been to several doctors, they even put her on seroquel.

nothing works....i'm thinking when she's fourteen since she thinks her life is so bad, giving her permission for emancipation.

she causes so much drama in our family it's not even funny, my new husbad ad i are really at our wit's end with her.....her latest thing is she wants to be a professional wrestler...and asked my husband to borrow his video camera so her and her friends could tape thier backyard wrestling...which i've only heard of them doing but not actually seen them doing...

she thinks she's got it so bad, cause she's lived in apartments her whole life.

i just don't know what to do with her anymore....

 
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Old 02-26-2005, 10:27 AM   #2
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Re: need advice, new marriage crazy 13 year old

I'm sorry you and she are having such a hard time.

13 year old girls can be such a trial! {If you haven't already, you might want to read the thread "Is it normal to hate your kid?" You'll find that you're not alone} And then in your daughter's case, she's got a new step-dad to deal with in addition to the whole hormone thing. It's somewhat understandable that she is being so difficult.

Is she in counseling? If not, I would get her there pretty quick. She sounds like she is wrestling with a lot of issues and could use some outside help.

Good luck to you!

Oh, and 14 seems awfully young for the emancipation thing. I'm hoping you'll reconsider that....

 
Old 02-26-2005, 03:40 PM   #3
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Re: need advice, new marriage crazy 13 year old

Emancipation would be the worst thing you could do to your daughter. At this time she needs love and understanding. She needs help and she is crying out for it desperately in negative ways. Please get counseling for her and all family memebers, NOW. Wish I had done that with my oldest child many, many years ago.

Your daughter at almost age 14 is not mature enough to tackle the world, the world will attack her in many different ways and no mother would want that to happen.

I feel for you and your family, been there and it is no fun but everyone will survive in time with lots of love and help.

 
Old 03-02-2005, 07:31 AM   #4
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Re: need advice, new marriage crazy 13 year old

thanks for the replies, they did some blood tests and some others as well, including a cat scan and found everything was normal including her hormone levels. We're starting counseling with Mental Health in a week or so and then gonna take it from there.

I had briefly considered the emancipation thing, but have thrown it out now, because she couldn't even work at 14 and will never be able to handle things. I'm hoping things will get better over the next few years. The roughest part is her absolutel hatred for being a girl, and covering it up every way she can, she says she doesn't't want to be a girl. with her absolute hatred for her "cycle" those time are the absolute worst. Another thing i was considering was some kind of military schooling like devil pups or something like it, or even some kind of camp where she's be taught about teamwork, and respect and various other things and end up with bonds to other children her age, but with the way she dresses, and the shaved head i think she would just be ridiculed and badgered and insulted by the other kids. I can't even go into detail about how bad things are some times. about how nothing gets through to her, how she lacks common sense and th ability to handle her frustration and anger. I really don't know if counseling would even help. She lacks the ability to control her temper and the simplest things set her off into a massive rage. my husband and i have talked to her over and over and over again and even had friends and relatives talk with her and give her advice but it all goes in one ear and out the other. It got so bad for awhile she was saying she was seeing an imaginary man that was talking to her called "urban", writing wierd symbols on our wall in crayon, saying she was in some kind of trance.
We had her checked for Schizophrenia and Bi Polar disorder and they put her on something called Seroquel, which she doesn't take all the time but since she's been taking it, "urban" has vanished.... it's gonna be a long hard road ahead for me and my husband and i really appreciate the posts on this subject, thank you.

 
Old 03-03-2005, 04:27 AM   #5
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Re: need advice, new marriage crazy 13 year old

I still REALLY think that counseling is the way to go. Even if she is resistant at first (most teenagers are), keep making her go. This is one area that I think you would be right to fight her on.

I would try my best to ignore the whole thing about not wanting to be a women, how she dresses, what she does with her hair. You've got enough else to clash over, let that one go.

It seems to me that if there is any way you can, you should keep her at home. Obviously if she's a real threat to herself or the family, that may not be practical. But, if your safety isn't in jeopardy, I think sending her somewhere would only reinforce her belief - mistaken, I'm sure - that you've replaced her with your new husband.

Oh, and one last thing. Seroquel is normally taken on a regular basis. Taking it occasionally means that she never gets used to the side effects which might worsen her irritability. Was it really prescribed that way?

Last edited by index.html; 03-03-2005 at 04:28 AM.

 
Old 03-03-2005, 06:46 AM   #6
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Re: need advice, new marriage crazy 13 year old

I just wanted to mention this as some of the things you have stated immediately made me think of when i did crisis and advocacy for sexual assault victims many years ago.what really got me was the way she is almost obsessing about not wanting to be a woman.Alot of times when a female has been raped or sexually abused for a long period of time(and espescially at a young age) the victims will go to very long lengths to make themselves not look like the woman they are.subconciously, the feel that if they had not actually looked like a female, they would not have been abused/raped.I am not saying that this is what has happened along the way to your step daughter, but wow, the total hatred of her womanhood, combined with the anger and rage that she is exhibiting really sent up the red flags in my mind when I read it.I really feel that getting her into see a really good therepist who is familiar with sexual assault issues would be her best bet right now.She does not have to know just what your suspicians are but hopefully over time, the therepist(who knows how to bring this out)will be able to get her to open up about things that may have happened in her past.Also, it would not hurt for you to call your county sexual assault services program.Almost all countys in the US have some sort of SA services availiable.Just call them and ask what they think of this situation and the likelyhood that a SA at some point in her life could be what is behind her behavior.they too offer many different types of counciling servces and also referral numbers for good therepists who specialize in treating victims of past sexual assault or abuse,Please keep us posted.Remember, i am only suggesting this as a very strong possibility and nothing else,K?hang in there,Marcia

 
Old 03-03-2005, 10:23 AM   #7
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Re: need advice, new marriage crazy 13 year old

Wow, this reminds me a lot of my teen years. I'm probably the youngest one posting here (I'm 22), so hopefully I can give you some insight. I had a lot of problems when I was young, problems that nobody understood. I was suffering from OCD, anxiety and depression. I didn't realize that I had all of these at the time, I just knew something was "off", I wasn't a normal kid. I tried talking to people about it, but nobody understood, so I started acting out. I dressed like a boy, wearing pants and shirts five sizes too big and not wanting to be a girl. I now know why I was doing this, nobody else dressed like I did or acted the way I did, therefore I stuck out and people noticed me and payed attention to me. I finally grew out of it, once I established a good group of friends (and realized that it was unattractive to boys). I hated life, I hated my family, I hated school and there were MANY times, I wanted to end it all. I was very hateful to everybody and was always angry. I think your daughter would greatly benefit from counseling, however at first she will hate it as well. I know that I definitely would have fought my mom on this, however being older now (and wiser, I hope ) I think that I could have really used it. I know that when I started taking medications for my problems, I noticed a huge difference. And when I don't take it, I end up hating everything and everybody. I'm not saying that you should take this route, I'm just saying that it is the only thing that has helped me (I did try counseling when I was older, around 20). Good luck and keep me posted. Let me know if you want to talk!

Shauna

 
Old 03-04-2005, 09:17 AM   #8
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Re: need advice, new marriage crazy 13 year old

Quote:
Originally Posted by feelbad
.... but wow, the total hatred of her womanhood, combined with the anger and rage that she is exhibiting really sent up the red flags in my mind when I read it...
Yes, I think you might be right. Especially since all of this is of sudden onset. I think it's something you really need to consider, Saphireteers.

 
Old 03-04-2005, 09:24 AM   #9
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Re: need advice, new marriage crazy 13 year old

Do you think she is starting to struggle with her sexuality? From your description of her and what she's doing, this is the first thing I thought of.

 
Old 03-06-2005, 02:14 AM   #10
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Re: need advice, new marriage crazy 13 year old

well from as long as i can remember she once wore girl clothes, but she never played with dolls, or girl stuff, she's always been into boy stuff, the first time my new husband met her, she wanted to arm wrestle him lol Some of the things in your replies have been thought of and there's nothing there that i've ever been aware of. she's never had a father her real dad wants nothing to do with her, and never did, talked to her once or twice made a bunch of promises that of course he never kept, the only thing her real dad does do, is pay child support. She's got her first appointment for counseling in a few days, so we'll see what happens. She can be so smart in some ways and so dumb in others, like today one of the other kids in the complex was harassing her and we've had problems with that kid before and his sister and her friends. I left for a few to drop my other kids off at thier dads, and when the other kid threatened her , she grabbed a bat from my house and stood by our window, in a threatening manner like a weapon. the cops showed up and dismissed it, but it was still wrong of her to have the bat, using it like a weapon. I'm lucky she didn't use it on someone. She won't actually be 13 till June. i think a lot of her problems are associated with how she feels about herself, and my mother told me she was jealous of how everyone says i'm beautiful, but if she wants to be beautiful, then why dress like a boy ? She's definetely struggling with the whole girl/woman thing and having periods and hormones, and getting boobs and the whole nine yards. she has issues with so many things it's hard to even think of them all. she absolutely hates and resents adults and the things they can do, that she can't. tell her off and she gives you this scary look like, if she could get away with it, she would hurt you badly or kill you and not even feel bad about it, she's ALL about her, and even gets jealous when my husband and i leave her with a babysitter for a few hours to go to a movie. I'm keeping my fingers crosses and i'll let the professionals handle it. thank you all very much for your replies.

 
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