well another night of misery!! my friend came over and gave our girls some easter ornaments and toys which she didnt want anymore. so thinking it was ok as my youngest was home, she is 9 i let her split them up. although she seemed to get the prettier things she still gave her sister the same amount and what she got were very nice too. well my 12 yr old ranted and raved and yelled about how she ( her sister) is spoiled and greedy and why did she get all the nice things, i told her that she is 12 and i really didnt think it was going to be a big deal and that she should be happy she got anything, as her brothers didnt. she balled and balled over this stupid thing!! if it were my 9 yr old and roles were reversed she would have said she was happy for her sister!! so this turned into a huge discussion with my 12 yr old and life and she told me that instead of grounding her when she is naughty i should ignore her and not say anything and let her learn from her lessons! i explained that how was she to know what she has done wrong to learn from if no one tells her!!!!!!! seems logical to me! but she said she knows when she is doing them and that me responding to her makes her more angry and makes her say things to make me made which in turn gets her grounded even longer!! she thinks she is very hard done by and is VERY spoiled but believes she has nothing. i cant wait till she gets older and sees just how lucky she is.
I also have a 12 year old daughter that sounds a little like yours. Actually I just got through crying over her - again. It happens alot lately. She's just mean sometimes. She will be so nice to me and then all of a sudden she has a horribly rude mouth. Her attitude is so negative. She thinks nothing of screaming at me. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I thought I had been raising her right. She was always polite, friendly and loving. I know I have spoiled her with attention, because she's my only one. Now I sometimes don't even recognize her. She gets grounded quite a bit, but that doesn't seem to work. I ask her why she's so mean and she just tells me I make her angry. I would appreciate any advice...I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I dread having to wake her up in the morning and to go home after work. It just amazes me that this is the beautiful angel I used to rock to sleep at night.
My younger sister was like that up until a little while ago. She said she could relate to Emimem and I used to get death threats on a regular basis under my door. She would threaten to run away and was mean to everyone. She has no chores, we live in a nice older italian neighbourhood with lots of kids. She has spending money at her leisure. I repeatedly told her she was lucky to have it so good. Her parents are together and love her very much and would support her through anything. That she has no hardships and has her way most of the time. It only seemed to make it worse when I did this. Her actions at the time seemed to break my step-mother's heart. (She is a half sister, but we dont use that term in my family) Well, I tried to find more things in common that we could do together. There is almost ten years between us so....first me and her jsut started to watch this show, it was strictly time for her and I, no other siblings. Its evolved to helping with school work, her class trips, video games and I even get to help her with her web pages. Sometimes kids can feel lost in the family, I think thats what caused it with her. She grew out of it. I know its different for parents than siblings, but maybe your daughter feels lost. It doesnt have to be a big family to feel lost or isolated. Good luck. I hope your daughter(s) grow out of it soon. It just part of realizing your place.
Good luck
Francesca
Last edited by franstranges; 04-12-2005 at 07:57 PM.
Thank you so much for writing. It's nice to hear other people have the same problems. Not that it's nice they have problems, but it's a little comforting to talk with someone who has experienced the same sort of things. In my case, my daughter is a little like your sister. Except she's an only child and of course I pretty much have always given her what she wants. But, now I'm thinking it's not material things she's looking for. I think she really wants to be polite & good, but doesn't know how. She used to know how. Does that make sense?
What do either of you use for punishment for your daughter/sister? What I've decided to do right now is tell my daughter she can't stay home alone after school. When she turned 12 in January we started to let her come home alone for 2 hours. Yesterday I told her because of her rude, disrespectful attitude to me she was unable to stay home alone. She asked why I was doing that and not taking away her computer time or phone time. I told her it wasn't working anymore and that if she was too immature to control her mouth then she was too immature to stay home alone. I'm running out of ideas. I just want my sweet little angel back.
Maybe you're right about the lost part. I do work 2 jobs and we live with my boyfriend (we've been together since she was 3 so he's like her dad). She's disrespectful to him, but not as much as she is to me. I'm only away from her 2 nights a week. The rest of the time, I get home with her every day by 5:30 and every weekend. I've tried to ask her why she's like that and she said she can't help it. Good luck to both of you also!!
I also read somewhere that girls fight more often with their parents as a part of maturing. I dont know how accurate it is, but the article was in Readers Digest or Time, a few months back.
I really dont want to tell you how to punish. That all depends on how your family has dealt with it. Some families are much more strict then others. My family is pretty liberal and Joanna was just told every time to smarten up and stop breaking everyones hearts (since her actions did so for my mother)
She will grow out of it though, Joanna did. Your daughter is just going through changes. She is going to be your daughter, then your enemy and then when its over your best friend and not your little girl anymore. My dad didnt do anything much about it since he says thats the way it goes. For some the enemy stage last longer than others.
Good Luck with your daughter. Let your daughter know the way she is fighting is breaking your heart. No one ever wants to break their parents heart. She may just re-evaluate the way she picks her fights.
And I just want to point out, that your daughter was the one to tell you that she didnt think the punishments you used to instill are not working. Thats very mature on her part.
I have a 14yr old sister who was alot like this. She has grown out of the tantrums (a bit) and doesnt let petty stuff bother her as much. But she still doesnt do anything around this house, my mom still wakes her up for school and makes sure she doesnt miss the buss. shes a freshman in highschool (my brother and i were bother getting ourselves up and out w/out our mom at that age.
She is far more spoiled then i believe i ever was. She has no curfew, unlike myself when i was that age. And she can be a real drama queen, im sure I use to be as well but I think girls are just ment to be this way. I know it sucks but b4 you know it she will be driving and ready to move out. Good luck
I would like to suggest a book I recently got, The Explosive Child by Ross Greene pHD. It talks about how conventional consequences, punishment don't work for some children. I don't want to go into details, but you can get a pretty good description of it if you do a search on the book. good luck!
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