My boyfriend and I will soon be moving in together and will eventually marry. He has a 6 year old son who he shares joint custody with his ex wife. There are several issues with the 6 year old son I question. Since I will be moving into their home, I don't want to feel unwelcome due to the son "having his way" 100% of the time. Can anyone address my concerns on what's acceptable in your opinion on raising a 6 year old boy?
When I stay the night, his son will come into our room at 6am and crawl into bed with us. Once in a while I don't mind, I think it's rather cute but not every other morning. He came into our room at 3 am lastnight and said he had a bad dream. My boyfriend left our bedroom to sleep in his son's room with him. I woke up at 8 am and my boyfriend was still sleeping in his son's bed with him. I don't know whether I'm being selfish or if I see this as a possible on-going problem. There have been times when his son is sick with a horrible cough, and I will wake up in the middle of the night to find my boyfriend sleeping in his son's bed with him. I do understand a parent's concern when their child is sick, but is it taking it too far? When I don't spend the night, his son usually sleeps in my boyfriend's bed, especially when it's the last night before he goes back to his mom's house.
My boyfriend constantly gives into his son. When his son is disrespectful he punishes him by taking a toy away from him, BUT he ends up giving the toy back, never sticking to the punishment. His son is a bit spoiled but I'm not sure if it's my place to get involved. My boyfriend encourages me to discipline his son, but what I think is acceptable in disciplining may not be acceptable to him. I don't want to over step my boundries.
The bottom line is, everything revolves around his son, from what's on tv, what's on the radio, what we are doing on a saturday night. I understand the importance of doing the right things for his son but should he get his way all the time? Maybe instead of watching cartoons on tv at night he could do other things like color or read a book and let the grown-ups have some time?
I don't have children, so it's hard for me to judge if my thoughts about the situation are reasonable. If we are living together, I'm concerned I will end up resenting his son because I can't get time for myself. I may have to shut the door to the bedroom and curl up with a book, but I don't want to offend them.
I do love his son and want so much for him to accept me. He told me he loved me last week and that made my heart melt. I just want the best for all of us.
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
Well, with regard to the discipline, how about watching a few episodes of those nanny shows? That will show your boyfriend how important consistency is.
Personally, I don't like "sleepovers" if you're the girlfriend. I think it just confuses the kid. Think of it from his point of view - Dad used to have mom in his bed. Now he has his girlfriend staying the night. What if you two break up? Then there's another girl in Dad's bed? What is that teaching a little boy about women?
With regard to him coming into your bed or your boyfriend going to his? That's the kid's way of showing you that the sleepovers bother him.
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
It sounds as though your b/f is going to great lengths to keep his son happy. It does sound like he really loves him alot too. Maybe he feels like if he doesnt do these things, his son will reject him and want to be with his mother all the time. Good luck!
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
Oh, Betty Bee, I can give you some advice, but I don't think you are going to like it!
I REALLY think that you and your boyfriend need to put your plans to live together/marry on hold until you get some counseling. Discipline for his son is a major issue that you and he need to agree on - not just in theory, but in practice - BEFORE you move in together. If you don't work this out, I can guarantee you that your relationship is doomed.
You've asked if how your BF interacts with his son is acceptable. Yes, it is. It is also acceptable to discipline more heavily like you want to do. The problem isn't with one parenting style or the other. The problem is that your styles are so different.
Again, I would strongly encourage you to work this out before you move in together!
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
I totally agree with the above posters. Agreeing on discipline is a major issue. If you are going to get married, and make it work, you need to agree, or come to a compromise on this issue. I also agree that it's not a very good message to send having your g/f spending the night (or vice versa, in any situation) if you have children.
Personally I think letting the boy crawl into bed, etc, is perfectly acceptable. But, for some people it's not. As far as other things, I don't know the details, but when you have children it IS about them, not about ourselves. Even since becoming pregnant I have seen ALOT of areas where I am very selfish. So, if you don't have children of your own, it can be hard to relate.
I hope things work out for you two.
Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel and about discipline? If your b/f is encouraging you to take part, I would sit down with him and see what's acceptable and what's not, and come to a decision together.
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Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
A wedge if she plans on marrying him than she becomes a mom to this kid so really she needs to find a balance fast with her boyfriend on how to discipline him.
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
Thanks for all your replies. I'm not a parent so it's difficult to understand at times. I realize that someday I will be a step parent and I only want to do what's best. I very much want to be a part of their lives. I care about their happiness and well being. I may be a bit selfish for no other reason than that I'm not a parent and haven't experienced the unconditional love a parent has for their child. This is all so new to me.
Yes, my b/f encourages me to become involved. He asks my opinion on certain parenting issues and discipline and I respect him so much for including me. My response to the issues is how would I handle it if he were my own child. I wish to form a special bond with this child, not just as a step parent, but an adult role model, mentor, and even someone he can turn to if he has any problems. Down the road, if my b/f and I ever have children together I want to treat them equally. I think it's important we come to an agreement on parenting issues now because in the future we will become a family.
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
Quote:
Originally Posted by FaithfulyWaiting
I totally agree with the above posters. Agreeing on discipline is a major issue. If you are going to get married, and make it work, you need to agree, or come to a compromise on this issue. I also agree that it's not a very good message to send having your g/f spending the night (or vice versa, in any situation) if you have children.
Personally I think letting the boy crawl into bed, etc, is perfectly acceptable. But, for some people it's not. As far as other things, I don't know the details, but when you have children it IS about them, not about ourselves. Even since becoming pregnant I have seen ALOT of areas where I am very selfish. So, if you don't have children of your own, it can be hard to relate.
I hope things work out for you two.
Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel and about discipline? If your b/f is encouraging you to take part, I would sit down with him and see what's acceptable and what's not, and come to a decision together.
Thank you for your honesty...Your words really hit home especially the part about being selfish. You have changed my perspective of the situation....Thank you again.
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
Well all I can say is that when I was a kid, the only reason I was allowed to sleep in my parent's room was when I was deathly sick. Otherwise, I slept in my own room. Neither one of my parent's EVER slept in my room with me. Sometimes my mom would sit, read to me and stay with me until I fell asleep, but she never slept in my room.
I personally think letting a habit like that start is not a good idea. My nephew slept in my brother & sister-in-law's room until he was almost 11 yrs old! YIKES! Thank God he finally grew out of it. (He's 18 now)
I realize it's your boyfriend's house, but it's also going to be your home too. Your boyfriend should be the primary disciplanarian (sp?) but the two of you should come to some kind of agreement.
It's hard in situations like these - Good Luck!
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
Quote:
Originally Posted by susieq0726
Well all I can say is that when I was a kid, the only reason I was allowed to sleep in my parent's room was when I was deathly sick. Otherwise, I slept in my own room. Neither one of my parent's EVER slept in my room with me. Sometimes my mom would sit, read to me and stay with me until I fell asleep, but she never slept in my room.
I personally think letting a habit like that start is not a good idea. My nephew slept in my brother & sister-in-law's room until he was almost 11 yrs old! YIKES! Thank God he finally grew out of it. (He's 18 now)
I realize it's your boyfriend's house, but it's also going to be your home too. Your boyfriend should be the primary disciplanarian (sp?) but the two of you should come to some kind of agreement.
It's hard in situations like these - Good Luck!
I was raised just as you were. I'm not used to the "coddling" for lack of a better term. I do agree with you...I guess parents just try their best, do what they know, and learn as they go along...just as I'm learning. BUT I certainly would have an enormous problem if he's still crawling into bed with us at age 11!!!! Can you imagine? There goes the sex life!!! ha ha
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
I swear we are about in the exact same situation. First of all, I moved in with my husband and stepson's home too. He is an only child who is completely spoiled. My husband bases any free time around his son. His son was sleeping with him right up until the day I moved in. Then he had to go to his son's room and stay there until he fell asleep. My husband will ground him or take something away.....only to unground him an hour later or give back whatever he took away. My stepson is 9 years old now. My husband and I got together when his son was 5. I moved in here last year, so my stepson was 8.
My advice is to let your soon to be husband take care of his son when he has a bad dream or is sick. If he spends the night in his son's room, so be it. But the child coming into your room must stop. Personally, what I did was I told my husband I wanted to sleep naked. Which is true. So he has "trained" his son to knock if he needs something and Dad goes to the door.
As far as the discipline goes. You both need to do alot of talking, seriously. You need to know what page your both on when it comes to that. I don't do any discliplining. My husband does it all. I am not saying one way is right, but as long as you agree thats the main thing. His Ex-Wife has requested that I not spank him....so, I don't. I do make comments like "if you think I am going to take you to Lazer Tag after the way you acted today, your highly mistaken....you have ruined it" I will make comments like that, but I also stick to it. I guess it is disclipline. But it's still not what I would do if I had a child of my own.
My stepson for the most part is a good kid. He is a bit forgetful and can be really mouthy. Other than that, he is great. It's that mouth that drives me crazy. His dad ignores it and it drives me up a wall.
But keep the communication open as possible and talk to your husband. The way I look at it is at least he is a great dad. We have enough dead beat dads in the world be glad your not dealing with one of them.
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
I am sorry to all of you who did not have the "coddling" when growing up - how sad that must have been.
I will have to say in regards to disipline you should be on the same page. It will be hard I think because before you have a child of your own, it's hard to know what you would do if it was your child. My views on disipline and childcare were so much different before I had a child. There is that unconditional love thing that makes it hard. I do believe in limits, routines, and consistancy but it's done with love. A good parneting book would be benificial. You two could read it together and discuss the issues and what each of you would do in these situations. Then you could try and come to a common ground.
I don't see anything wrong with a child coming into the parents bed or the parent sleeping in their bed. What kind of habit is that going to develop? A habit that shows the child that he is loved unconditionally? No child will be crawling into their parents bed when they are in college - cherish these days when they are young and need you. They will be gone before you know it.
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
I have the same situation. I moved in with my fiance and his 8 year old daughter before we were married. I did sleep in another room though, we would never sleep in the same room when she stayed with us. I was always angry about his way of correcting her. He always seemed to let her do whatever she wanted. The TV issue always bothers me and still does. When she is with her mother - she watches TV all day long. As soon as she walks in the door - she turns on the TV. I let her watch some but then I believe she can read a book or play with all those toys in her room. I am only the step mother but I do try to correct her. Sometimes the father is not there at that time - why let it go until he gets home. If it's something terrible than the bio father can handle it, but she is a great girl. I have no problem with her. I do believe that you and your spouse need to have understanding on discipline. You both need to agree with the rules and stick to it. We agreed to the rules even though sometimes the daddy bends them for his little girl. We get along better by agreeing to it all. The rules in our house of course are different than the mothers. That's when it gets hard!!! Good luck!!
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
Hi. I commend you for being so concerned about doing the right thing as a step parent. Good for you!
As one with a young child (6 year old girl) and having a boyfriend who is to be a life long partner live with me (moved in about 4 years ago), maybe I could offer you something from the viewpoint of the other side of the fence.
My daughter always wants to sleep with us, and though perhaps this behavior won't hurt *her* in the long run, it does hurt us. First off, forget about sex. Secondly, 3 is a crowd. And 3rd, we need our all too rare and sacred grown up time. I only let her stay in our room over night on very special ocassions--maybe if she's been exceptionally good, Christmas Eve, a sad day, etc. Otherwise, we compromise. She's allowed to cuddle with me until my boyfriend comes to bed, then she has to go to her own bed. On weekend mornings, the rule is that she can come in and be with us, but ONLY if she hears that we're awake first--there is to be no waking Mommy and "Daddy" up on the weekends! When she is sick, I will listen to see if she's crying or if she's calling me. If she doesn't do either, I go back to sleep. If I think she needs me, I will visit her in her room and ask if I can get her anything. If so, I get it. If not, I will stay with her for about 5 minutes and stroke her hair or talk with her until she goes back to sleep, then I go back to bed.
This routine keeps all 3 of us happy. She gets her cuddle time. I get my bonding time with her. And my boyfriend gets his alone time with me. I suppose my suggestion would be that you and your boyfriend try to find a way to make the same sort of compromise that works for all of you. I'm not sure if you both go to bed at the same time, or if he stays up later than you. Maybe the son could have cuddle time with both of you for 15-20 minutes if you go to bed at the same time, or special "stay up" time with Daddy, if you're typically first to bed. I think, if I were to be honest with myself, if I weren't living with my boyfriend, I'd probably actually encourage my daughter to sleep with me, as I get lonely. I wonder if your boyfriend has the same type of situation. I wouldn't be surprised if their sleeping habitat is always co-habitant when you're not there. I think, most importantly, you should find out what your boyfriend wants and make sure you see eye to eye on whatever it is you decide to do. Maybe the next time you spend the night with him, you can tell him how you feel. "I know you and 'child' have a very special bond and are used to sleeping in the same bed at night, but I think when I move it it might be a good opportunity for us to show 'child' ways to be a big boy. I feel it's important we preserve our alone time, especially in our bed at night. Here are some ways we might be able to make it so we're all happy...."
With the disciplining, I think that you should do what feels right to you, and if your boyfriend doesn't agree with how you discipline his son, then simply don't do it. This is pretty much how we have things arranged around here. If I feel my boyfriend has been too hard on my daughter (or not stern enough), and I let it be known, he'll step back and give me the responsibility of disciplining her, myself--and I think that's perfectly acceptable, as after all, she is my daughter.
Best wishes and good luck with everything.
-EoR
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~Even an Eeyore needs a hug.~ (Hug Me Eeyore)
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
Thank you for all your replies. It's been a rough few weeks though. Recently, my boyfriend's ex wife got remarried and it's really affecting his son. He cries a lot, he is very insecure and refused to play in his soccer game last week for fear of people cheering for him. He mentioned he doesn't want me to move in because he associates it with his daddy marrying me. We explained to him I'm just moving in and marriage will not happen right away. He felt badly for telling me he didn't want me to move in because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He told us the reason he doesn't want me to move in is because it will lead to marriage and he is scared to walk down the aisle. Whether or not this is true, we've been going through a lot lately.
After our talk, his son seemed like a completely different person. We assured him he wouldn't be walking down any aisles in the near future. My bf explained that he and his mom love eachother like friends, and there will be no more fighting between them. He also explained that his new step dad loves him very much and I told him I love him very much. We also said he is very lucky to have 2 loving homes and 4 loving parents. Well. today he didn't want to go to school, he cried and cried. My bf brought him in to see the counselor. She suggested we re-arrange the joint custody schedule to one week on, one week off. That way the transition will not be so difficult and so often. He is scheduled for counseling every week and will be visited by the guidance counselor weekly. It's really putting a strain on the relationship between my bf and I. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, but I feel like such an outsider. I feel helpless. Sometimes I need to get away from the siuation, but I feel so guilty for having those feelings.
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
Betty Bee,
I know you love your boyfriend but I would say this is going to be an issue for now until you decide to marry. If you don't think you are ready for this and feel helpless then I say..move on...find someone that doesn't have a child. It's much easier.
My best friend is in this situation. She and her boyfriend live together with their two year old daughter. He has two kids from previous relationships (8 yr. daughter, 14 son). Her advice is to stay out of the way he discipline HIS child. She and her boyfriend have had several argument about his daughter when she is staying with him---her attitude. Once because his daughter drank 8 cokes in one day and she told her for dinner she could either have milk or water. Of course, his daughter ran to her dad and told her and he was like she can drink a coke if she wants. Not knowing that while they were at the company picnic she'd had 8.
Her all time favorite is he comments that Jill feels neglected because my best friend spend time/pays attention to their daughter more than Jill when she is around. Hello!!
It becomes the small things like her cleaning her room before leaving their home after spending the weekend. Her picking up toys ect. --as for the mouth..oh yeah. His daughter is quite the smarty pants. He and she have different ways of discipline in which she is concerned that her daughter will be daddy let Jill do this? IN which she has to reply I am not Jill's mom.
Re: Soon to be step mom wants to know is this normal?
I could not imagine being this child and having to upheaval my life to live with my parents. When is he going to feel secure with a solid structure? I know a lot of people live this way, but it's not the right way. I'm frankly surprised you don't have more discipline problems with him. Now you've got him going to a counselor to fix what the people he loves have broken, his trust in a stable family life. It would be so beneficial for him to live with one parent and hopefully you all live close so the other parent can see him or go to his social/school events.
Children need solid parenting and a solid home life. We all think they can adapt so quickly to change. He is only six and his mom and dad do not live together anymore and he has to change homes every few weeks. He is supposed to be busy figuring out how to get along with his school friends and learning his abc's and having fun playing a sport. Sounds like he is overwhelmed with all this activity. The mom and dad may think it's best for the child to split custody. Hopefully they didn't ask him what he wanted to do. At least if he lived all the time with one parent he could have a normal life. Would you want to live in two different places?
The discipline issue is one I learned the hard way. I have a now 13yo son whom I let win at games to 'build his self confidence.' Well, what I was building was a poor loser. Now we play fairly and no more 'do overs.' Seems like everyone has their part in trying to 'make up' for what the boy has lost out on - his mom and dad. The father is building another life and should do so with his son in mind. He also needs to be consistent. Children thrive on routine, discipline, and consistency. Throw a wrench in any of those factors and you have mayhem. The son's actions of sleeping with his dad in either bed, is a cry out for security. Please think about his well-being, a lot of his problems would be solved if he could just have a stable home base.
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