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Old 05-19-2005, 09:30 AM   #1
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What is the duties and roles of a step-mom??

My husband has custody of his 8 year old daughter and I am kinda stuck in the middle. She has constant contact with her bio mom, they go places together, she calls her everynight, etc, which is good for the daughter but my question is what do I do as the step-mom. I am there to give her the baths and tuck her in, but I want to be a big part of this child's life and do things as well. I don't want to sound selfish, but I guess I want to be "more" than the step mom. I would never keep the bio mom out of her life, but I want to be included in all the activites as well. The daughter is in soccer and we all go to watch her play. I want to run to her and give her praises for a job well done, but whoops - the bio mom beat me to her. I feel like I can't express my excitement because of the bio mom. Does that make sense?? I need advice!!

 
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Old 05-19-2005, 01:12 PM   #2
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Re: What is the duties and roles of a step-mom??

Quote:
Originally Posted by littlegal
My husband has custody of his 8 year old daughter and I am kinda stuck in the middle. She has constant contact with her bio mom, they go places together, she calls her everynight, etc, which is good for the daughter but my question is what do I do as the step-mom. I am there to give her the baths and tuck her in, but I want to be a big part of this child's life and do things as well. I don't want to sound selfish, but I guess I want to be "more" than the step mom. I would never keep the bio mom out of her life, but I want to be included in all the activites as well. The daughter is in soccer and we all go to watch her play. I want to run to her and give her praises for a job well done, but whoops - the bio mom beat me to her. I feel like I can't express my excitement because of the bio mom. Does that make sense?? I need advice!!
You are a big part of her life, and you should run and say job well done right along with her mom and dad. Why not make some activities you and she can do together? Example: Invent a special Thursday night Icecream Sunday Movie night just for girls......or maybe or something else you think she might denjoy. Even without these things, you AARE a part of her life, but you won't EVER be more than her stepmother. Well, I mean, you will be her friend as well, becuase you can be but that is as far as it goes. Stepmom is a heck of a title girl! Right up there with hero, and superwoman lol! We are a very important part of these childrens lives and there isn't much reward in it except knowing that you are doing the best by the child.
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Old 05-20-2005, 04:44 AM   #3
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Re: What is the duties and roles of a step-mom??

Continue to do what you are doing. A GREAT JOB. You can't replace the BIO mother nor should you feel that. There is nothing wrong about also approaching the child and phrases her about her soccer game.

The BIO mother will always come frist regardless of what you do, it's learning to step back when needed. But you don't have to step back from the child just allow room for the Bio mother to be first in the child's life. It's not easy when you have developed strong feelings for the child, she lives with you and you have taken the role of mother to her - She is still very young, but she can also see how very loved she is by YOU, her Bio mother, and her Bio father and that is the most important thing. When she becomes an adult she will tell people she has TWO moms. She will be proud that she was raised by two good woman (regardless of how the bio-mother is or what your thoughts are on her).

If this still bothers you, think of your step daughter as your niece? Would you not run over to your niece and give her a big HUG after a winning game, a school accomplishment, or dry her tears when she's hurt? I love my neices as if they were my own daughters - of course they are my sisters girls but I am a very speical person in each of their lives, when they do well in College they call me, when they have boyfriend issues they call me, when they need something they call me - I feel like I have 8 daughters instead of 8 nieces.

As I have mentioned before, being a step parent is so hard, not knowing your boundries or how to cope when you fall in love with your step children and really want to be their Real Mom....SO to keep your sanity or my approach as I have said is I treat my step children as I would treat my own but think of myself as their Aunt.

(BTW, because of the jealousy of my step-daughter's mother and the relationship I HAD with my step daughter that tooked 4 years to develope and two years going great, she has sabotaged our relationship and it's been 4 weeks since I have seen or heard from my step daughter!) It hurts, I miss her terribly and I'm trying to deal with it one day at a time.

 
Old 05-20-2005, 07:13 AM   #4
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littlegal HB User
Re: What is the duties and roles of a step-mom??

Thanks for advice!! I really need to hear comforting words. I really try hard not to cross the bio mom boundaries, but then I feel I get hurt by doing that. I guess I'm really concerned in making the bio mom mad if I would run to the daughter too. I feel like I am on walking on egg shells with this situation. I agree about making special days for us and I do that. We have girls night on Thursday while the daddy is gone on his meeting that he has every Thursday night. We mostly dance around and then sip hot tea and cuddle on the couch. I do love doing that. I guess I am being greedy and what every waking minute with her. I'll have to try ot think of myself as an Aunt. She has once told me she thought of me as a big sister, she said I do the fun things than her mommy does. I take that as a complement - I always looked up to my own big sister. Thanks for everyone's help!!

 
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