How long will the bio mom continue to call and make sure we are doing our job right? She calls everynight and sometimes in the monring before school to make sure she's wearing proper clothes, is she packing her lunch, did she get her homework done, etc. We have raised her for a year- I think we know what we are doing.
Is there a problem with her calling? After all, she is her mother, and it's natural to be concerned about your child, especially if they don't live with you. There are many parents who wouldn't even care enough to call.
There is no problem with her calling but 3 times everynight is a bit much!!!! I'm sorry - yes she is the bio mom, but we can't live our life or enjoy an evening without having to stop so she can talk on the phone. I agree - she should know what her daughter is doing and call to check on her but once an evening would be better. After all, we have plans in the evening and not sit by the phone waiting on her to call. I think we are capable of getting her off to school too without her calling in the morning wondering what she is wearing!!
I have read and responded to your posts in the past but I forget why is it that the Bio mother lost custody of your step daughter?
I'm sure it's frustrating for you but it is the Girls mother, even though she is living with her bio dad and you (her step mom). Maybe she made mistakes in the past and is working on her issues and trying hard to make up for lost times with her daughter, trying to become the mother her daughter deserves to have. I understand it hard on you, you are now raising someone else's child and you have fallen in love with this wonderful lucky girl...
You have to think of the child more then yourself, more about what is right for the child, it's hard on you, it's confusing for you to know where you stand in this girls life, it's not that You or the girls father don't know what you're doing, it has nothing to do with you, it's about the Mother being (or trying) to be a mother to her girl...
Whatever mistakes the mother may have made in the past, she is still this young girls daughter, Nothing you say or do will change that, it's "trying" to cope with this for the next 10 - 15 years. The girl no matter what will always have her mother and see her as that and love her for that...
NOTE: it has nothing to do with the girl not loving you, respecting you or thinking you are not her mom either. It's just a tough sitatution to understand but you can do it if you put all your feelings aside and think about the Young Girl and how lucky she is to have wonderful people in her life, giving her the right direction in life, lots of love, attention, and guidence.
I hope this makes sense, I do understand how you feel but - as I have mentioned before - You wanna keep your sanity...Love the Girl enough to allow her to also love her mother and allow the mother to call daughter.
It will show how much character you have, what a great woman you are capable of being.
Thank you GirlHarley!! Yes, you have responded to my posts before - I guess I need a lot of support to get through this!!!! She lost custody of the daughter because of her and her husband was not treating her well. Anyway... I do know you are true about dealing with the situation. I know she will always be the bio mom - I honestly know that. I am trying hard to do the right thing for that girl, but I cna't help the way I feel towards her mother. I'm afraid she will draw a wedge between my husband and I. We love each other and I hope NO ONE will come between us, but at times I feel like throwing my hands up and saying forget it!!! She does not try to get along with us at all. She still wants to be in control and its frustrating!!! Sorry... I'm still venting!!! I will try harder!!!
Been there done that…LOL
I know too well of your frustrations and doubts. It takes a SPEICAL woman to love another man’s child while there is a bio mother involved.
I too understand when you say, you’re afraid bio-mom will put a wedge into your marriage/husband….Trust Me, if you DON’T allow it, it won’t happen.
It’s part of our own insecurities (step-moms) because we are married to a man who has a child with another woman. (Also his ex-wife)
It’s a big issue with US second wives – BUT….you can overcome it by believing in yourself. Knowing that you are a Special Woman to put up with all this crap,
Loving a man with children that are not your own together.
From my own experience, I will never love my husband’s children like I have before.
Too much DRAMA with the bio-mother, HER insecurities, HER melodramatic antics, her lies, and so forth…I too loved those children as if they are were mine and they loved and respected me back, the bio mother manipulated those children and now they no longer call and I have not seen them in a month – this all just happened recently and there is so much more to the story but this is your post so I don’t want to get into more.
But again, I do know, I do understand, and now I offer some wisdom that may help some other woman like yourself – regarding Step Mom’s and Bio Mom. It shouldn’t be a competition, it shouldn’t be a rivalry and it shouldn’t intimidate you to love someone else’s child and get grief over it or to think it will put a wedge in your marriage.
If you allow it – It will happen. Love the girl as much as you feel you can but always remember she has a mother.
Thanks again GirlHarley!! You really do know your stuff!!! I wish we can talk everyday by e-mail - I think we both need to vent!! I read alot of your replies from other posts - you are such a positive person!! You need to think positive for you and your husband too. Things will work out too!! I wish you luck on your stepchildren - that would be hard not see them in a month. I wouldn't know what to feel if I didn't see his daughter for that long. How old is your stepchildren? Are they old enough to drive and come see you? Have you read any books about stepparenting? I would love to find a book about step-mom and ex-wives!!!! I wish I could offer you more advice but right now I don't know if I'm coming or going!!!
Thank You Too for the nice words Littlegal,
Well we can vent on this site how about that?
AND - I’ll tell you what – I will write a book on step parenting – LOL
Yes, I have read some books. Barnes and Noble has a section of books on parenting and step parenting – but let’s face it nothing is real till you Hear it and Experience it from Real People.
I’m a parent too. I have a son who’s 16.
My step children are 23, 15, and 11.
The 23 wants nothing to do with her dad, so of course that would include me.
The 11 year old I have known since he was 4 – there has never been the an issue when he came to him. ( I think? Anyways)
It’s the 15 year old – she was 8 when I met her and became involved with her dad.
The EX-wife was already remarried with a new husband and a NEW daddy for the kids.
I swear, I think when she divorced my fiancé she figured that meant the children were getting divorced from their father too. I had nothing to do with the divorce; I met him 3 years after the fact so I’m not a problem, or threat or evil….
Just a woman who fell in love with a man who has three children. I didn’t ask for all the baggage – I was doing fine being a single mother on my own raising my son and living a decent life. But I did fall in love with these wonderful children (they really are) it’s the ex-wife who just doesn’t want to share – she pretends too though. I did have a good relationship with her from a distant but I knew deep down she resented me.
I can’t go into detail right now with the issues but I can tell you, I gave it my all and got sucker pumiced in the end. That is how I can explain it for now. I still love those kids and hope to see them but I don’t feel any guilt or lost at the moment because I know I gave it my all, they know how much I love them I have no more to prove, or the strength to fight a battle that I can not win.
I’ve got to go for now….See my other thread on the Relationship Site I just started it will explain alittle more.
Well I don't know anything about step-parenting, but I do know a lot about getting unwanted phone calls. The simple solution is to leave the ringer off. I have found that when people keep calling and getting the voicemail, they get frustrated and start calling less, which is exactly what you want.
Important is not to hurt her feelings, you can call her at specific time every evening and give her an full update. Then turn the ringer off before you go to bed. Telemarketing calls are a good excuse.
I am a mom to three including one step-son. (yes, he too calls me mom, I never asked him to)
The bio-mom may not have her daughter's best interests at heart when dealing with her. She may feel guilty for not being there and tries to make it up with phone calls, but she needs to realize that is very disruptive to the daily routine. The daughter needs to feel that she is in a safe, secure, loving place and that does not include having her bio-mom call endlessly checking up.
Kids catch on more than you think and that is not healthy for her. We have a policy at our house that my step-son can call anytime he wants and that we make sure he calls every Sunday. He has never been restricted from calling his mom, but disrupting his schedule is not allowed, just because his mom is having separation anxiety.
Good luck, rest assured you are not alone.
All parents including step-parents have to have the child's best interests at heart , but unforunately there is usually too much emotion involved to let them put their own needs aside and see those of the kids.
Again, I need to speak up for the bio mom's here. I have phsyical custody of my daughter. Her father married very quickly after our breakup. He has not been consistant in his visiting (he lives in another state) and never calls to check in on her in any way.
On one ocassion my daughter went to visit him for a week in the state that he lives in. I called every night. Here is the reason .. it had nothing to do with him at all .. I'm glad he has married .. I hope he is happy .. but for her .. she needs to know that every night before bed I thought of her .. every night she knew mommy loves her and told her to have good dreams.
Calling often may have nothing to do with you at all .. and everything to do with letting the child know that the bio mom is thinking of them and loves them and is still their mom even if they arent in the same house.
I'm not saying that bio mom isn't trying to fish in your lives .. she very well may be .. but try and see it from her eyes. That child is her special person .. regardless of where they live. I say talk to the mom. Make a routine out of it .. say everyday before bed and once before school to say have a good day or something she can call.
Make it a routine so that BOTH of you (step and bio mom) are involved .. and the child is getting the attention from all the parents. It is hard to make it work on your end ... and trust me it is hard from her end too. You have 18 years of this .... try and come up with a plan that works for everyone, most of all the child.
Last edited by dewdrop333; 06-03-2005 at 12:40 PM.