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Old 06-05-2005, 08:07 PM   #1
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aerdna HB User
My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.


Wow! I can't believe I'm posting this, oh, so scary news, but I always get such good (and bad) advice. I realize I will get mixed feelings on this subject, but, here it goes.

My 15 year old is having sex. I think.
Short version- I found a condom in her picture frame. (I'm a pretty good snoop) about 2 weaks ago.
O.k, here's where it gets ugly.... They're mine.
I didn't say anything to her. I started thinking my condom stash was getting kinda light. Not due to me.
So I decided to count them the other night, and counted 11.
O.k., she and her " friend" who's a very nice guy, went to the movies and dinner. I looked in the box, and counted 10. DID YOU HEAR ME ! 10!

I ran out of my room, to confront her, but stopped. What do I do? I don't want her to NOT, use them. I also dont't want to say it's o.k.

So she's out with him now. All I can think about is them...well you know.
I really am in a delima as to how to approch this. I need advice, right or wrong, everyones opinion will be taken. Thanks.

 
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Old 06-06-2005, 05:45 AM   #2
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

Well, here's what I would do. My kids are quite young right now, but I was once 15 and having sex...

I'd have a talk with her. Tell her just what you told us. About the condoms being low, you counting, (not about the snooping) and that you think that she's having sex. You are completely entitled to think that it is wrong for her to have sex right now and you should tell her that. But of course we know that won't stop it from happening. But let her know how you feel. See if she wants to talk about it.

And if it were me I'd tell my kid to take all of the condoms she wants!! Yes, you don't want her to have sex, but if she's going to, it's great that she's being safe. I'd tell her where to find them and that they would always be there for the taking. Or give her some money and tell her to buy a big box of them and let her know that if she needs more to ask for it.

A lot of people will probably disagree with me, but that's my opinion. It's time to have a talk with your daughter, as adults. If she's going to act like one and do this, she can handle a conversation about it. And you can't pretend that it's not happening.

I remember when my mom found out that I lost my virginity (at 14 ) The first thing she said was that she wouldn't punish me for having sex. But we had a LOOOONG talk. And she told me how disappointed she was. Then two days later I came home from school and there was a brown paper bag on my bed. I opened it and there were 3 packs of birth control pills. My dad is a doctor and had brought them home for me. He came in my room, told me he knew what was happening and to come to him whenever I needed more. I wanted to die of embarrassment...but was very grateful at the same time. And even though it may seem like an "enabling" move on their part, I didn't have sex again for a year and a half.

I wish you luck and I'm anxious to see what others say. I am dreading the day when I have to go through this with my children.
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Old 06-06-2005, 07:53 AM   #3
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

If you're daughter is having sex be thankful that she's practicing safe sex. A lot of kids don't these days. I'm sure it's always shocking for a parent to find out their teen is sexually active but the best thing to do is remain calm and ask her to sit down for an adult conversation about sex. Don't "confront" her...sit down as mother and daughter and have a frank heart-to-heart. DO NOT admit to snooping through her room. That will shake any trust she has in you.

Kiera1595 gave great advice and I can't really add a whole lot to it. Tell her that you will make condoms available to her and you should discuss getting her on some birth control as well. It may seem like you're condoning her actions but what you are really doing is protecting her from unwanted pregnancy and STDs. If she wants to have sex she is going to whether you like it or not. At least this way there will be some trust and openess between the two of you and she will more than likely come to you with any problems she may have in the future.

Last edited by tigger_girl76; 06-06-2005 at 11:36 AM.

 
Old 06-06-2005, 02:28 PM   #4
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

I think you should sit her down and have a heart to heart talk about sex! Tell her all the risks that come along with having sex (seems as though she does know some already)! I would not accuse her of having sex, but I would mention the condom pile lowering! No one knows for sure if she is definitely the one using the condoms...who's to say shes not takin them for a friend!? If she would tell you she's having sex I would really get her on birthcontrol! Don't let her forget to still use that condom too after shes on a birthcontrol...condoms do so much more then what birthcontrol does! I know you don't approve of the matter, but if she really wants to be having sex shes goin to do it with or without your permission! So I'd push everything hard into her head that could happen during sex (std's, pregnancy, etc..) so she knows the consequences! And of course don't forget the birthcontrol! Good Luck!

 
Old 06-06-2005, 03:15 PM   #5
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

Let me tell you from my experience. All of the previous posters are right. My experience with my mom were not as great as those who previously posted. I too took two of my parents condoms. My mom first "found" a letter I had wrote to my boyfrind talking about our first encounter with sex. She snooped my entire room read my diary, found another condom, beat my butt & grounded me from looking at a single boy for a long time. Never once was I told "at least you were smart enough to use protection". All that did was make me want to have more sex, be with boys, go behind my parents backs & be scared of confiding in them. What I wish my parents would have done was not snoop & respect my privacy, be confident of the information they had given me about sex & know that I used their advice about staying protected. I know that sex before marriage is a no no, but these days it is rare for people to be a virgin until marriage. I don't say people are ready for sex at 15, but neither are some 25 & 30 year olds. If you are confident as a mother that you have given all the information that your daughter needs about sex, then a confrontation is not necessary. A heart to heart may be all you need to change her mind about what she is doing & just review everything you have already taught her about sex. Maybe your daughter will rethink things. If she doesn't just let her know that she can come to you. There are other things that my mother has done that has made me uncomfortable about going to her, but when it came to sex, nothing made me want to go to her for anything because of the way it was handled. My mothers threats didn't even phase me, boy did I ever sneak around. So, no matter what you do, she may keep doing it. That's why you need to keep that communication open. She'll shut down if you confront her negatively, I sure did. Maybe if my mother would have done things differently, I would maybe be able to confide in her today. The mother daughter bond is so important. 2 years after I got married, my husband & I got pregnant. I was 22 years old & scared to tell my mom. Remember to think before you speak, that would have to be my best advice in handling this. Good luck
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Old 06-06-2005, 09:06 PM   #6
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

I agree with the others.Most definetly have a good long talk with her. I don't know what your relationship is like prior to the information you found. You want to make sure she can trust you.Keep the snooping to yourself.Thats a mommas tool that we don't want to give away ! But you want her to be able to talk to you.No Matter What! I'll tell you a quick story. My mom and I have a HORRIBLE relationship We never had "The Talk" She never made it comfortable for me to be open with her.I was always and still am in some way embarrassed about my body(when I talk to her only)I still can't discuss things with her.All she told me was that I would be a **** if I did.and if I came home pregnant, she would kick me out. I was 15-16 at the time. Well, I lost my virginity at 17 yrs old with an older guy, I don't regret it...but I am very lucky I didn't wind up pregnant because we NEVER used a condom. To be quite honest, I still don't ever use them. Granted I've only been with 3 guys. But, third time was my charm. I ended up pregnant with my third boyfriend of 2 months! (@ 22 yrs old). Thankfully, he is a remarkable man...we just had our second baby and are getting married in 3 weeks.BUT, I am 26 now, hopefully more mature. We have a great life. And I'm sure you are aware that life isn't always milk and cookies! I guess what I'm trying to say in all this is, make sure she knows you will be there for her no matter what. Girls these days really need that assurance. ( well, I suppose we always did.) Sex is certainly not what it used to be. Education is most important. No sugar coating either. She needs to know the truth about it all. In a very adult way! STDs' Babies ooh theyre cute alright! Show her photos if you have to about what certain stds' really look like up close and personal. If shes going to be doing the deed she needs to know what the full package includes and to read the small fine print of the side effects..not even just physically, but emotionally as well. Think back to when you were a kid and think about how your relationship was with your parents...anything they did that you would like to change?Or tweek a bit to keep up with the times? Good luck.
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Old 06-08-2005, 11:28 AM   #7
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What about YOUR modeling behavior?

Do you have a live-in boyfriend? or are the condoms for use with your husband. I personally think it is NOT a good idea to have a live-in lover. It throws your OWN sexuality right in your children's faces and gives them a mixed message: "It's OK for ME to have sex without benefit of marriage, but not OK for YOU!" Of course, I don't know your situation.

The important thing is to start the channels of communication EARLY, like I have with my daughter. She's only nine and has already been warned that boys will want to use her JUST FOR SEX and will claim to "love her" just for the sheer purpose of five minutes of pleasure. Still, her using condoms is better than using no condoms at all.

Most young teenage girls aren't REALLY all that sexually turned-on. They want APPROVAL AND LOVE. A woman doesn't reach her peak sexually until her late twenties. I myself am guilty of sleeping with far too many men, beginning at the age of 18, because of low self-esteem and poor communication with my mother. However, she was always "cool" about birth control, and I was always VERY CAREFUL.

Good luck with your daughter. MOST IMPORTANTLY: NO MATTER WHAT SHE HAS DONE, MAKE IT CLEAR TO YOU THAT YOU LOVE HER AND WILL STAND BY HER, AND THAT YOU WANT TO WORK WITH HER TO MAKE SMARTER CHOICES. ALSO, YOU ARE HER STRONGEST ROLE MODEL. WHAT SHE SEES YOU DOING SEXUALLY, SHE WILL COPY.

 
Old 06-08-2005, 12:53 PM   #8
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

Kiera1595
tigger_girl76
beanie_1122
jadontusmommy
missTee

Thanks to all of you. Man you guys, really have helped. I agree with all of you, but really didnt know if I was right in my thoughts.
I dont want to say "Sure, go ahead, have sex."
But I sure am glad that she is safe about it. I will talk to her today. I will let all of you know. I also think sometime I will let her read some of the posts that you guys have sent. I have copied and pasted what I think she should read. Cause I know she will be embarrased. Maybe some of what you guys said will help.Thanks again.

 
Old 06-08-2005, 01:03 PM   #9
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

thebinkle
Hi. I excluded you from my last post cause you asked questions so I thought I would answer them to you.
No, I do not have a live in. I do have a boyfriend.
Yes, I do sleep with him when he stays over. I dont feel at fault because of this. The way I feel about it is I am the adult and when she is 35 she can make her own
desicions.
I thankyou for your opinion on this.
Goodluck to you and yours aswell.

 
Old 06-08-2005, 06:25 PM   #10
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

I feel your pain!!!!! My step daughter did it at 14!!! She did it before we left to move across the United States.....last summer. Out of anger and who knows why else???? I found out through snooping too. She has been through alot....we got custody of her 2 years ago...so, we got her at the most challenging and frusterating years!!!! Half the time im a stress case worrying!!!! Her and i are very close and we talk all the time. When we first moved here, her freshman year...she decided to tell EVERYONE, well she has a bad rep at school now. I told her it doesnt make her a **** to have had sex 1 time............it's what she does NOW that matter's. It's sad how guys are stud's and girls are sluts...when they chose to have sex! Anywayz, i know she has "made out" with boys here.....whatever that means. She says it's just kissing!!!! When i was her age, it meant more than that! I had a child when i was 16, who is her age, i put up for adoption.... so i am soooooo paranoid this will happen to her. Recently we put her on the pill.................HUGE DECISION to make....but, this was for her period!!!!!!!!!! She actually has them bad, and her doc suggested it! Part of me thinks this is a free ticket to have sex.....BUT...at least she will be protected!!!! All i know is that it is so hard being a parent, and especially with teens now adays!

 
Old 06-08-2005, 07:06 PM   #11
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

dont freak her out by telling her not to have sex and dont yell at her and tell her that ur proud that she chose to use protection and suggest the pill and kepp in mind many 15yr olds have sex im 15 and iim a virgin but most of my friends arent and their parents dont know that they have sex so they arent on the pill and dont use condoms i know somegirls that already have herpes at 15!!! i would not try to convince her not to have sex cuz she will rebel and tell her to think about birth control and buy her some of her own condoms and tell her to be careful and not rush that will usually work!

 
Old 06-08-2005, 09:14 PM   #12
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

"All i know is that it is so hard being a parent, and especially with teens now adays! "
No kidding!
Wow thanks for posting. They (teens) are nothing like I was.It is so different.
You said you gave youre child up for adoption at 16? That musta been hard, strange. Do you ever want to find out about her/him? If this is non of my business, I am so sorry. I dont mean to pry.
Thanks for your words. I can use all the help out there. Good luck.

 
Old 06-08-2005, 09:20 PM   #13
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

Quote:
Originally Posted by msdancecheer
dont freak her out by telling her not to have sex and dont yell at her and tell her that ur proud that she chose to use protection and suggest the pill and kepp in mind many 15yr olds have sex im 15 and iim a virgin but most of my friends arent and their parents dont know that they have sex so they arent on the pill and dont use condoms i know somegirls that already have herpes at 15!!! i would not try to convince her not to have sex cuz she will rebel and tell her to think about birth control and buy her some of her own condoms and tell her to be careful and not rush that will usually work!
I have chosen to let her read your post as well. I think coming from another teen, is just what she needs. Thankyou!

 
Old 06-09-2005, 08:18 PM   #14
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

Hey Aerdna.....

Just wanted to respond to your question. YES....hardest thing i've ever done in my life!!! I am also adopted, so you can imagine the devestation i would have if i was never to have another child. So at 20, i tried to get pregnant, and had my son. I truly was on of those "jerry springer" shows......I want to have a baby, so i have something to love.....only i actually just wanted something that was a PART of me! I had a hell of a time being adopted! Not knowing my background------i cant find anyone. Unlike with my daughter, whom is an open adoption and i send her letter's and gifts.....UNTIL....my nightmare came true and the family got divorced and CUT ME OFF. That was 2 years ago, since i've heard from them and i only had 2 more years left to meet her face to face. This is absdolutely devestating to me. K, well i dont want to get too rambling, but i tend to go off on this subject......alot of pain in my life. I do not regret my decision with her, because having my son so young as well, made me relize how hard it is to be a parent.....settle down, get married, be a wife, a mom, and end up divorced!!!!! One more thing, my birth mom was a heroin addict..........born addicted, made me an addict.....but i am in recovery......i think i've summed my life up in a nutshell.
I dont wish this upon any teenager.....especially my step daughter who i think is going down the WRONG ROAD!!!! Then again she has time to turn herself around....i am talking she has alot more issues than just having sex.......but this one is bad enough. Good luck to you.....we all feel your pain......

 
Old 06-11-2005, 10:54 PM   #15
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Re: My Teenage daughter is....Having S.E.X.

Hi Aerdna,

I was a bit taken back when you said you are "a good snoop". I think it is wrong to snoop through your childrens' personal things. I hope you didn't mention that you found condoms in her picture frame. I know I would feel violated, and would find it hard to trust you. Trust is so important. I hope that you have raised your girl with a lot of love and acceptance, and with a whole lot of respect. I don't agree that teen's are so hard to raise these days, I think the way your teen behaves is a reflection of your parenting. (im not saying YOU, as Aerdna, i mean you in the general sense). Parents have different parenting styles now-a-days. Anyways im getting a little off topic. I just hope you can respect your 15 year old girl. No mom wants her 15 year old daughter to be having sex, but you really can't stop her so the best you can do is accept it and help her make the right decisions regarding being sexually active. (as hard as that is... u just have to be strong about it, for her sake, and not yours)

 
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