sfgirl2005

Hi there,

I'm 40 years old and I understand what you're going through.

My mother and your mother sounds like the same woman. Unavailable, distant, rejectful, emotionally unavailable to her children, etc, etc. I wish someone told me the words I'm about to tell you when I was your age. I was also hurt, confused, angry at the world, emotionally unavailable, problem with men, unaccepting, etc, etc. But please note that this is coming from a stranger who understands what you're going through and doesn't want you to be in therapy for the next 15 years trying to understand why this is and has happened to you. Please take my advice as a gift of love and to help you lessen the pain and confusion on what you're going through and to love yourself more than you do now. I might sound harsh and to the point, but if someone told me these words at your age, I'd saved a lot of money and traveled the world instead!

First, your mother will never change. Her fundamental character of unavailabilty, distant and uncaring ways to her children will never change. She will change some as she gets older.... she'll calm down, wanting to be close to you & your siblings, etc, etc... but her fundamental characteristics will never change. She will never be the mother that you want her to be... like Mrs Clever or Mrs Brady or Mrs Coleman (The O.C.) .... the caring mother who will have dinner for you at the table when you come home or milk & cookies. Or the kind of mom that you can call up and ask for advice about anything. One thing I've learned is acceptance. You need to learn to accept your life, your mother, yourself, your siblings, your boss, your cat or dog, etc, etc. Stop wanting to change your Mom and mold her to the way you want her to be. She will never be the mother you want her to be. My mother picked her men over us since I can remember. She'd always shooed us out of the house, she left me alone for several days caring for my younger siblings when I was 14 years old.... she went to Mazatlan with her boyfriend at that time and left us with Top Ramen and for a 14 year old to fend for the whole house. I've learned to accept my mother as a "provider", meaning, she'll pay the bills, kept the roof over our heads, etc, etc, but she'll never be the doting mother I wanted her to be like Mrs. Brady. My mother resented for having us and she used to yell at us telling us that "we stole her youth!" LOL Looking back, I now laugh at her for who she is... because Me just like You never asked to be born and be treated this way. Sounds like your mother is selfish & self-centered. She doesn't want to recognize that she has a problem. But remember, she's the one with the problem, not you. Stop trying to "get" her approval by wanting her to listen to you. She will never want to listen to you or whatever she has to say... unless you "teach" her of how "you" want to be treated. Love yourself more by knowing this is "her" problem and this is not you. I know you care as a matter of fact, you care too much.... but divert your loving and caring ways to the ones who deserves it... your children, your loving husband and all of the caring & loving people in your life who truly deserves it, ESPECIALLY You my dear.

Read some self-help books about acceptance. Learn to love and treat yourself better. Stop putting yourself in a situation where you can be vulnerable to her unloving ways. When she starts her tantrums or whatever, walk away until she calms down. You are an adult now and you need to "train" her how to "treat" you. When she starts the blaming game or whatever she does to hurt you, tell her calmly that You don't like being treated this way and you will return to discuss the subject when she calms down. It will take a very long time, sometimes years to train her to treat you this way, but she will start getting the message that You refuse to be treated like the way she treated you when you were little. When you do this for the first few times, it will feel foreign to you because you my dear, are going thru some changes too.... learning to teach people to treat you with love and respect.

Then find a good therapist who specializes in family dysfunctionalities. The only way to continue going forward is to face your past, don't be afraid. Start your healing by accepting yourself... all the good and the different and start treating yourself better. Love yourself more and understand yourself more by accepting you more. And one more thing, don't continue this dysfunctional behaviour to your children. Remember, you were/are the recipient of this behaviour and you know what it feels like. Instead, smother them with hugs and kisses and give them good memories....not like the ones we have to live with. But remember, the therapist is for YOU so you would stop feeling the way you felt when you posted your problem on this site. It's for you to start your healing. You will have to go through it alone, by yourself and it can be a lonely journey. But the journey is worth it for the peace of mind, the self-acceptance and the happiness I'm experiencing now.


Good luck and really work with your therapist. Then cut your ties with him or her and travel the world. You'll see that we don't have it as bad as we think.

SFGirl