I apologize in advance for the length of this. I have done searches and have not come up with what I was looking for. My son is 18 has been seeing a girl who is from another town that is a year younger. She seems to be nice, but I have great reservations about her and her mother. She lives in a trailer with her mother, who is recently divorced. Initially we didn't think that was such a big deal until we started to hear stories about the condition of the trailer and our son asked if we could help fix their floor since we both work in the construction business, and can get materials for next to nothing. Red flags went up, and we drove by on our way home to see what sort of damage there was and how much material would be needed. We had the impression that the trailer was much bigger, and in better shape, so we were quite surprised to find out how bad it was. The floor was rotting in at least four places and there was only one bedroom, and it’s in such disrepair that it’s beyond saving. It is a camp-trailer, not something designed to live in for an extended period of time, also the girl is sleeping in what is supposed to be the living area which is about 8 feet square, on the floor. Worse yet, I have discovered that this girls mother has severely been lacking in guidance towards the girl, and I was very concerned about her over it. This girl appears to have some serious issues such as poor hygiene, very low self-esteem, (she is obese, and not for a medical reason) and no idea how to take care of herself. Our son brought her to our house dressed in a long black Hawaiian skirt, a double extra-large black t-shirt that had seen better days about four years ago, (and it barely fit over her barrel-like tummy), her hair looked like it had not been combed in days, and she has eyebrows that could be used as dust mops. There was no slip on under the skirt, and she knew we were going out to dinner that night. Well, I took pity on her and squeezed her into an old muumuu style dress that was absolutely huge on me, did her makeup and donated a slip so that she could look decent for dinner. The one thing that really got to me during this was that she smelled, and her underarms were unshaven-as if they had never been shaven. (Now, take in mind her mother does work – I don’t know the details as I haven’t talked with her much, she apparently is spending most of her free time chasing some man in the trailer court). I also tactfully suggested that she wear a light summer blazer over the dress because it was sleeveless, but she declined. We went to a nice restaurant, (which we don’t do very often), and we spent about $100 for dinner. Dinner was a fiasco, Brian was dressed nicely and was clean cut and shaved, (and the waitresses noticed, he is a cute guy). People were staring at her, and when we ate she belched out loud without covering her mouth, scarfed her food like a Marine, (and it was a lot of food!) and wanted dessert and a cocktail. Much to our dismay she also never thanked us for the meal or anything. She showed absolutely no appreciation for anything, and when we went back home I let her keep the dress and the slip – I was disgusted by the idea of wearing either of them after her. The bottom line is, Brian is spending so much time with this girl, he’s never home – either he’s at work, at his grandparents house, or with her. We are scared to death she will get pregnant, and we want B to date around a bit before he starts having a “relationship”. Unfortunately, he won’t listen to us, and insists that he has fun with her and that’s why he’s with her. I want to make it clear that I don’t dislike her because of her “status” or where she lives. I want my son to do some more shopping around before he decides what he really wants in a relationship, and I want him to be in a relationship that is at least half healthy and for the right reasons, not just because she’s the first girl to show him any real attention. Also, we have talked with him numerous times before this even happened about relationships and girls, and since then we’ve talked to him a great deal about this girl, voicing our concerns that we think he’s going too fast, that he needs to shop around some more and so on. Ok, I’m off my soapbox now, any suggestions? Any experiences similar?
You are wise to worry about the possibility of this girl getting pregnant. I can't see any other reason that your son would find her any "fun".
Girls with low self esteem (especially large ones) are HIGHLY promiscuous and an easy target. 18 year old boys/men usually think only of finding themselves a promiscuous female - background, manners and appearance don't really matter in such a case. Sounds like B found the "fun" he was looking for.
There's not much you can do other than what you've done. You can take the girl under your wing and teach her the things she never learnt (manners etc.,) but it would be alot of work. I would try introducing your son to other girls his age. He might meet someone who sparks his interest enough, to lesson his interest in the other.
Thank you. I know he's protecting himself at the very least.
We have thought about introducing him to other girls, and have encouraged him to spend more time with his friends, hoping he might meet someone while with them. Our hours don't always coincide with his, and unfortunately, our social life with him and with others, suffers - so we may end up "shopping" for someone to introduce to him amoungst our co-workers.
Maybe you could ask him what qualities she has that he finds interesting? If you make him feel like he has no control over his own life he just might stay with this girl out of spite (even if its unintentional) I grew up with a mom who was constantly trying to break up my relationships with boys in highschool ( and younger) and it only made me resent her.Granted ALL of the boys I dated in highschool were complete jerks or way too "involved" in the relationship. She thought I was too young and should date around. It just got me more angry because she wasn't allowing me to make my own decision about who I should date. Which brings me to my reason to be "interested" in his decision to be with this girl. Act interested. Make him feel like you accept her. Stand beside him on this.Please don't take offense to this, but, is he normally a "clean" boy? Is he over weight himself? How is his self esteem? Does he have alot of friends? And does he play any type of sports or is he in any clubs? If he can tell you honestly that he wants to be with a girl who is smelly and not very socially acceptable....because after all this is the year 2005. I personally don't think its ok to smell.Whether she is living in a below poverty level home or not. Soap and water are cheap and fragrance, deoderant and decent clothes can be bought for very little money at any walmart. As for her rude behavior about openly burping in public...It is just not normal. She can't be that ignorant? Does she live without TV or a place were she has no outside contacts at all? I'm not trying to criticize her....but there is no justification for her to be dirty and or rude. So, ask your son to make a list of her good qualities and her not so good qualities ( and he has to be honest!) Sit him down and read them together (with your husband if hes' in the picture???) Just make sure he becomes aware of the certain "issues" on his own. If he happens to not mention the obvious...gently tell him that these characteristics SHOULD be part of the reasons why he wants to be with someone. Hes still young and unexperienced
( although of course he won't think so...I didn't at that age) Maybe he will realize for himself that even though she might be great to have around as a friend...does he really want a stinky girlfriend? Or a girlfriend that belches in public? Its not very becoming.If he stays with her after that. Tell him he better use protection if he decides to have a sexual relationship with her ( and/or have her on birth control pills if possible) Try to get along with her and try to giver her some pointers. Take her out for a make over and get waxed or something. If she has a job and makes her own money take her out shopping and try to get her to pick up a better selection of clothing. By this time, your son might not want you spending that much time with her. She just might need a little womanly advice ( if her mother is non existant in the mental form). If it doesn't work out with your son and her...and most times its not, at least you can say you tried your best and your son will be grateful ( though he probably won't say.) Hope I could help out. Hang in there, he's assirting himself. Hes 18, probably graduated (or next year), Hes a man now. Let him know that you know he is a man. Good luck! Keep us posted!
My advice is to buy your son a huge supply of condoms. I agree with those who say he's in this relationship for the sex. Hopefully the novelty of sex will soon wear off for him and he'll find himself someone more appropriate to have a real relationship with. But in the meantime, you should make absolutely sure the girl is protected against an unwanted pregnancy.
Girls with low self esteem (especially large ones) are HIGHLY promiscuous and an easy target. 18 year old boys/men usually think only of finding themselves a promiscuous female - background, manners and appearance don't really matter in such a case. Sounds like B found the "fun" he was looking for.
My thoughts exactly. I apologize in advance to anyone this might offend, but in college I roomed with a girl three times my size who was raised in a trailor. Now I dont have anything against trailors because I have a cousin who owns one, but this paticular girl came from a very poor area. And you know what, she was very, very premiscuous. She took showers and managed to act like a lady, but she smoked pot everyday (which eventually turned me into a pothead...although I gave all that up when I got pregnant) and she got pregnant herself. Except she didnt quit doing drugs and lost the baby. I guess my advice would be to hope this passes He is 18 afterall...?
I think its sad that you all think that he is in the relationship for sex. Perhaps he, like I, feel bad for her.
Perhaps he likes big unshaven women .. you dont know ... all men like diffrent things .. I have met more than one man that prefered large women .. its a prefrence.
As far as her poor living conditions .. and poor hygeine ... Perhaps she has noplace to shower .. I think that rather than trying to convince your son not to date her .. since she is under age still .. perhaps you should contact Child Protective Services ..
If she doenst know how to take care of herself she needs help .. not judgements.
I do however sugest you purchase your son some condoms. Safe sex is always a good idea .. regardless of your economic backround.
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Mother is the word for God on the lips and hearts of children - The Crow
I have to agree with dewdrop on this one. I don't even know this girl and my heart is going out to her. Sounds like she has had a very hard life and poor upbringing. She obviously wasn't taught to take care of herself by her mother from the sound of it. As far as her being overweight maybe there is something beautiful inside of her that your son can see and if that is the case I'd be proud of him. In our image obsessed society there aren't many people willing to look beyond someone's physical appearance to see what's inside.
I wouldn't try and discourage your son from seeing this girl. In the end you'll only end up driving him even closer to her. MissTee made a good suggestion..perhaps you could take her under your wing and give her some advice on hygiene and manners. She might not know any better and if she has low self-esteem/depression that's going to explain her appearance more than anything.
Why not try helping her....? Obviously you are a caring lady and want the best for your son and we can't choose who our children date but we can help the situation in a positive way. Maybe this girl hasn't been taught proper hygeine or her mom never put effort into her for whatever reason but sounds like the family needs a little help. Talk to your son tell him your concerns
LEt us know how it goes!
Good luck
Hi All, When i read this thread i felt so compelled to reply. First let me say that i am a mother to an 18 year old boy and an 18 year old girl. I too want the best for my children, but i also realize that my children have to make their own choices and learn from their own mistakes. As a parent i feel that it is my responsibility to try and steer my children in the right direction. However, i do this by sitting them down and talking to them, i give them my honest opinion about how i feel but that i also realize that they have to make their own decisions and mistakes.
Now about this girl, children only know what they are or are not taught by their parent/parents. She may have not been taught proper mannors.
When i read this post i found it so very upsetting. It seems that the main focus was about how terribly dressed this girl was, how heavy she is, how hairy and smelly she is, what her mother does, but mostly that she lives in a TRAILER and the shape and condition of it. She is a poor little 17 year old girl, she didnt ask to be born into these conditions and surely didnt move herself and her mother into this small trailer. She most definately dont deserve to be judged on the clothes she wears or the home she lives in. Surely she has to make due with what is provided to her. Not everyone can be rich or even afford a decide place to live in this day and age, especially with the econony the way it is. ( and no, i dont live in a trailer and we have an upper class income) But i was always taught to never judge ANYONE for the close they wear, the home they live in or how they look.
I cant believe that people think that just because a young girl is heavy that she is automatically permiscuous. I cant really speak for your son, but i wouldnt automatically think that he is with her just for sex. With your son being 18 and a good looking boy i am sure he could have his pick out of alot of girls. I think that you must have done a phenominal job with raising him as he is able to see past how someone looks and lives and can see the inner beauty of a person. That is wonderful.
If your son is happy with her, then be happy for him! When he brings her around dont judge her.....HELP HER! Help to show her proper manors, if you have extra clothing that you are planning to get rid of that fit her, give them to her. Like one of the other posters said, maybe there is an issue with her shower and water at home, nicely let her know that when she comes to visit should she need to clean up that she is more than welcome to. About her armpit hair, she may not shave due to a certain culture or religion she may practice. If it is that bothersome to you, politely ask her if that may be the reason she doesnt shave.
This world would certainly be a much nicer place if people didnt judge one another on how they look, live, or how much money or material things one has. But to leave judgement to our higher power as the Bible says to do.
"This world would certainly be a much nicer place if people didnt judge one another on how they look, live, or how much money or material things one has."
Its interesting that you've painted your son in a very positive light while painting his girlfriend in a disgusting one. We all know that 99.9% of the time, this is not the way it works. Someone who is good looking & clean is not going to be attracted to someone who is that "ugly" and unhygenic. Either you're being too harsh on her, or too easy on your son. Frankly, it sounds as though you're looking for reasons to dislike her.
No disrespect meant, just my 2 cents from reading your story.
I posted earlier stating that I knew someone who seemed to resemble your son's girlfriend, and she does, except I also believe the previous posters were right, too. I didnt add this in my previous post, but I do feel sorry for the girl and I think there might be too much focus on what she doesn't have going for her, rather then what she does have
Blusilver- sounds like the movie psycho. Personally, I think you are exaggerating a bit, but if you really think she is that much of a beast then don't hold back, forbid your son to see her. What's wrong if your son likes her and has fun with her. You should be proud that you raised a boy who can see the beauty within instead of the fake garbage most girls put on. Although the belching at dinner is rather nasty, but that's how we italians say "damn that was a good meal"!
This world would certainly be a much nicer place if people didnt judge one another on how they look, live, or how much money or material things one has. But to leave judgement to our higher power as the Bible says to do.
I couldn't have said better myself. I have a good friend who this post reminded me of, she didn't shave a lot in high school and I never asked why or let it bother me. She had smelly feet. No big deal she is a great person. I am happy to say now she is very clean, and lives on her own. I believe too it is a matter of how a person is raised how they are going to behave, or how they live that is going to make it harder for them to know something isn't right. This particular girl may have had some issues as far as hygiene but because she had unbelievable self confidence she rose above all of that. She was very conservative never did any promiscuous (sp) things. She still had very decent relationships with very decent young men. Who enjoyed being with her because she was fun. I wouldn't immediately assume he only is with her to sleep with her. It may be true but unless you know for sure from him, I wouldn't try pushing him away because he is so young he will stay out of spite more than likely than because he continues to like her. I hope that things work out and that you can see past her hygiene and get to know her, and I can assume that if you offer to help her out in a polite way she will more than likely appreciate that you are trying to show an effort. good luck
Ok, I haven't posted in a while, and it looks like I really started a storm with this one! I apologize in advance for my long-windedness...
To reply to those of you who think that I'm being a bit judgmental: You may be right, we all tend to look at our children in a better light because we are naturally biased. All I could see when I found out more about her was "oh my gosh, he's going to leave home and live in a rotting trailer and become a newspaper delivery boy! All that work we did to encourage him to be successful failed." and: "neither one of them is mature enough to have a serious relationship - God help us if she gets pregnant!" So I was in panic mode.
As far as judging people - I could care less if she's rich or poor, black, white or purple, but since she doesn't know how to keep herself clean, if she gets pregnant, she better damn well know how to take care of that child, or she'll have hell to pay! My grandchildren could be raised poor, but they will at least know what soap and water is for! I know what it is like to go without, I've lived in a trailer myself - it sucks. My biggest concern with her trailer is the mold - we know first hand what mold can do to a human body, and it's not good. We went through a lot to get to where we are now, and we're not rich, (but we are frugal) we're not snobs, we have friends who live one shade above what one might call "red-neck trailer trash", they are good people, they just don't care that they have a yard full of junk cars and the house they live in looks like it should be condemned, it's their house, and they don't care what the neighbors think. We live in an apartment, work hard for a living and pay our bills, and pray that we'll have a house someday, but we struggled to get where we are, and circumstances sometimes work against you, and jobs are not always easy to come by, even with an education.
My point being, please don't be so quick to think that people are being snobby or "judging" others just because they don't like the idea of their kid dating someone in particular. That goes along the lines of those people who are too easily offended by everyday innocent behavior and make a big stink about it because they perceive that there was some evil intent involved. Not everyone is out to get you, most people could care less about you so why would they bother to waste their time intentionally offending you? That is the sort of thing that creates stupid laws that go overboard governing human behavior. Just because someone farts in the woods, lets not turn it into a "global environmental" issue here, I'm sure there are more bears farting out in the woods than there are campers, and it's our planet too, we didn't invade it, we were born here. Sorry, I was in the military, and you want to see a bunch of renegade whiners creating rules because they perceived everything as a personal attack - let me tell you some stories. If I went that way, I'd be spending all my time on it. I have more positive things to do with my life, like teaching my child how to do his own taxes, and how to make his own dinner. On to other, more positive things...
So now apparently the girl has been feeling smothered, and she wants to spend her time with her girlfriends and has suddenly developed an interest in the mall, so she's making excuses not to see B. Her mother thinks that she is too immature to have a "serious" relationship and she also mentioned to B's grandmother that she was feeling smothered. As a result, he's been spending more time with friends and work. So we really didn't have to do anything to discourage him after all.
As far as I'm concerned, I don't care if they remain friends, I don't care if he hooks back up with her later, but I fervently hope they both go out with a variety of other people and allow themselves to mature a bit before then, and even more, I hope she develops some cleaner habits. I would hope that they both want to have a better life and better living conditions than what she is living in now. Budget aside, I've taken apart trailers and replaced floors, toilets and walls as well as electrical stuff, and I think if her mom pulled her head out of whatever it's in, she could think of a way to fix her trailer so there would not be a mold problem. All it takes is a little motivation and a lot of elbow grease, and you can move mountains if you want. I think that her mother is struggling with her divorce and has lost sight of what is happening with her daughter, and I'm hoping that will change too, since her mother seems to now be aware of what is going on. We have talked to B. about seeing other people and becoming self-supporting and financially independent, and he seems to understand why we were so concerned, now that he's had a chance to cool off and think about it. Hopefully this means the worst is over for this situation. *WHEW* There may be light at the end of the tunnel yet. God takes care of those who take care of themselves, and blessed be those that care enough to do so, whatever their situation.
Blusiver- I've changed my mind, you're right. I just had to apologize on another thread so I might as well go all out! Anyway, When I thought about your situation with one of my 3 boys in it, I said "uh uh". I would be angry too if I watched all that I taught my boys about decency get flushed down the toilet. You might be a bit too critical, who knows, but the picture I got in my head of this girl aafter I read it again makes me think that there is no way my boy would have my blessing in this relationship. Not unless the girl is willing to tidy up a bit. I understand now, it's not about being judgemental, it's just that no woman will ever be good enough for your boy. With that your son should know how much you love him.
If any of you have 18-20 year old boys...you would understand where this mom is coming from. I know I do...Been there...and you don't want it to happen to your child. You want more for them. Being poor has nothing to do with being clean, and having a little class.........
All I'm saying is that someone who is attractive & clean wouldn't be interested in someone THAT gross & ugly. One of the young people involved is being distorted.
He is 18 afterall...?
