princess72

This is kinda long....I need people's opinion????? We have a blended family. Both our 2nd marriage. I have an 11 yr old son, he had 15yr old daughter. Married 2 1/2 yrs (together for 6). My step daughter moved in with us 2 yrs ago. She wanted to "try" to live with her dad. Her and i have always had a great relationship. Her mom was pretty much unstable most of her life growing up! Her dad would drive 5 hours to see her for 1 day (total 10 hour drive) for many years, when she was growing up......her mom moved, she actually moved 12 different times, (most in same area) different appartments. Her mom had a disabled son, who is 4 years younger than my step daughter------he required alot of attention, so she craves attention. Her mom never worked and lived off the state and food banks. Her dad sent double the amount child supprt, so his daughter didnt have to live that way! So, at age 12 (almost 13) she wanted to live with us......at this time we only lived an hour away from her! Her mom said she couldnt "control" her. So, she came to live with us, and it has been "hell" ever since. Her expectations of how it would be----were set way too high! Her dad had been "disneyland" dad for 12 years! Now he was the disiplinary and she resented that! My role, got lost somewhere..............First i was just her friend/sister, then i HAD TO become her authority figure and start being a parent!!! She resented that too! I know these teen years are challenging......BUT.....we had more of a challenge. Her mom had fed her lies about her dad.....and programed her to "hate her dad". She is old enough, to not believe this about her dad! Everything went downhill the minute she moved in with us! We made some mistakes and spoiled her, gave her things she never had, rarely disiplined her, and we were never consistent! Things got out of control! She wanted her dad to be her mom and her dad! Her dad souldnt be her mom and i couldnt be her mom! We got her into the same catholic school as my son, she was going into 8th grade.....alot of these kid's had been together for 9+ years. She made 20 friends, her first day! She started hanging with the disfunctional, bad influence type kid's that we didnt approve of! She became DISRESPECTFUL and never held herself accountable for anything! Her dad didnt know how to deal, and there were alot of screaming matches! So, her dad was offered a high posision at work (this was the 2nd offer) to move across the US and relocate! He had been with the company 16yrs and wanted this opportunity-----we discussed it, and there were many positives to the move! The kid's did fine...........Im the one that had the hardest time. It's now been a year! She dad a choice to move back with her mom, or come with us! She wanted to be with us. It's been a year! Before we moved..............she had sex, with her boyfriend!!!!!!! We had no clue!!!! We found this out, after we moved here! Of course we were devestated...........she was only 14! That really messed her up emotionally! She goes into freshman year, and again makes 20 friends the 1st day! These friends were pretty good. She became an emotional wreck, depressed, never stayed involved in anything, grades horrible, disrespectful, etc etc! She WAS a 4.0 student! We did not have normal behavior on our hands. We sent her to 3 different counselor, she got worse after each one! Then the lies came!!!! Everything from eating disorder, cutting, popping pills, and molestation! Believe me i know they are lies, if i explain this will be 10 pages long! After the move, we became more consistent, and started disipling her, but nothing worked!!!!! She would not allow us to parent her, and she hated and dispiced her dad! She loved her dad, before she moved in with us! Everything became constant chaos and tension in the house. My marriage was starting to fail, and we were all falling apart! My son was getting "swept under the carpet" and his grades were slipping! We had an awful year! Well, icing on the cake happened, and we recently sent her back to live with her mom! I have to say-----her mom has turned her life around a bit.....(she still hates her X) really for no apparent reason, except he pulled his boot straps up, moved on, and made good decisions in his life! She is working now, and lives in a house. Seems she has grown up a bit! Now his daughter even hates him more!!!! My husband is feeling guilty, and the loss is unberable for him! We did not know what else to do! We figured she needs her mom, at thes crutial years! Do you think we made the right decision? Im afraid to read the posts. Basically, she wanted her dad to be how he was before she moved in with us......she was spiralling downward living with us. Truly her mom, can control her.........now i mean (not when she was 12) because her mom has turned her life around! We are hoping that some day, they will be closer and she will love her dad again! We hope she will realize we did this, not as a punishment, but for her to get her life strait again and she needs her mom. What do you think?????? I probably left out some important key things.......but, i have soooo much to say.......i dont want it to be choppy!