It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Parenting Issues Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-26-2005, 08:45 PM   #1
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Hi everyone I am concerned about my 14 year old daughter. She's a great kid, intelligent, very social and pretty well adjusted. Her grades are great in school after just starting high school in a new school in which she has made many friends. We moved full time into a summerhome and she had made many friends over the past two summers. Our older daughter is collegebound out of state and our younger daughter suggested this summer that she switch schools since it was really the only reason we were holding onto our primary residence, that she liked our summerhome area more and had more friends etc. and saw it as a god opportunity. She claimed that her other school had too many students and that socially she felt more at home where we had spent our summers which would only be 30 minutes from her 2 closest friends.

After checking out the school and it's overall rating we decided that the move would be good particularly since the new high school started at 9th grade which she was entering and would have other new students that would be starting from 3 other junior high schools in the area. The school is much smaller (a little over a hundred in her class versus over 800 in her old school) and has a smaller class size. She has adjusted well for the first quarter, her grades are even better than last year, she has made many friends in addition to those she had met over the summers and seems quite happy with the change in schools. She is focusing on music and is in two honors courses.....planning on trying out for the basketball team and the school play.

Yesterday she was on the computer IM'ing with some friends. I try to monitor things best as I could limiting her computer use to 1-2 hours a day. She got off the computer and was going up to bed and I noticed something she had printed out in her hand. I asked what it was and she was vague when I went to tuck her in I asked her what's up and she explained that her best girlfriend at school had a BF who was cheating on her & that she wanted to prove it and had set herself up to pretend to like him and got the proof to show her friend. I told her that as much as she had wanted to do that for her friend that setting the guy up wasn't exactly the right way of doing so and that she could end up putting herself in a bad situation even though she thought her intentions were good and to be careful. She placed the papers in her hamper and went to bed.

Today while doing laundry I came across the copy of her IM and couldn't resist a peek. I must say that I was quite shocked at the type of conversation that went on between my daughter & this guy. I was actually quite nauseated with the words used and my daughter almost appearing quite slutty (for lack of a better term) in luring this guy into meeting with her. Saying she was a virgin and quite proud of it.....but setting him up to see if he would cheat on his GF (her friend) to be with her. I cannot even go on to describe how the convo went....I know that my daughter was only setting up all that she knows (and has yet to experience) but threesomes were mentioned and graphic manuveurs by the guy.....my daughter was in for more than she even thought. I read the entire thing and there is no doubt in my mind that my daughter was playing out the scenario but in what I would describe as an x rated convo. I was completely shocked that she would go this far to set a friend's BF up

I spoke to my husband and couldn't even show him the IM (a mother's perogative ) but briefly described it to him & I asked him what he thought we should do....we decided that I should bring this up with my daughter and then we would talk to her together. I admitted to my daughter that I did something that I shouldn't have done and that was read the copy of the IM and went on to tell her how shocked I was at the entire thing. She remained quiet and I told her how disappointed I was in her for using some of the language and the way that she had portrayed herself to a boy in her school and how that may come back to hurt her especially if he were of poor character to begin with. She told me that she wanted to show her friend what a cheater he was and that was the only way to do so.....that people have been telling her friend this for a long time and that she didn't want this guy hurting her. She said the whole thing was a joke & her acting in the way that he would play into and that she is not that way at all. I told her that I know that but not everyone would and that this guy for all we knew could have copied the convo himself and spread it all around her school and she could really be hurt by it. Most of all I told her that what I was most concerned about was her total disrespect of herself to even pretend to be of the nature she portrayed in the IM. She told me that she decided not to show her friend the IM afterall....that another friend talked her out of it and that the guy even knew that she was joking after she told him today. I told her that may give him even more reason to do something to her & that I was extremely concerned about her. I asked her what she thought somebody who didn't know her like me or her real friends know her would think about her if they were to read that IM. She agreed that they wouldn't think much of her at all....that she were trampy or worse. I told her that I would be so sad for her if anyone ever thought of her that way and that she probably would be too.

We continued the conversation with her dad and we both agreed that she had not acted responsibly on the computer and until further notice she was not to use the computer for anything other than schoolwork. We told her that we loved her but were extremely concerned at how little respect she had towards herself in doing what she did joke or no joke. She asked to be excused to go to her room taking her backpack with her.

Five minutes later she came down from her room hysterically crying. I ran to her & hugged her. She told me she had something to tell me. I could barely understand she was sobbing so badly. After a few minutes of calmng her down she told me that she had taken 6-8 Aleve. We tried to induce vommitting & I called poison control. Thank God it was determined that she would have had to take 12-18 more for it to be considered toxic enough and wouldn't have to bring her to the ER. I was told to give her milk and food to prevent stomach irritation. I sat down with her and asked her why she did such a thing??? She was quiet and I hugged her & said that she could tell me anything and that she must have been in such pain to have wanted to hurt herself. She wouldn't talk but after a while said that she was upset about the whole IM thing and that one of her friends said almost the same thing as me and that she was really stupid for doing that. I hugged her saying that we all make mistakes but that there was nothing that couldn't be resolved, that she needed to talk to us or a friend and not go hurting herself, that something that looks so bad today can easily be fixed tomorrow but that hurting yourself couldn't be fixed and that she was awfully lucky that she was okay. She agreed. She told me she had called her friend after she took the pills who told her to tell me. Her friend came over and I took the opportunity to thank him and asked both of them to not mention this to others at school since it might be spread around and end up hurting my daughter...that she did something not too smart but would be okay and had a great friend who knew how to help her in her time of need. They agreed.

Later on I suggested to my daughter that perhaps we should have her talk to someone. She begged me not to make her....she didn't want to talk to a stranger about problems and that she did a stupid thing and wouldn't do it ever again. We talked about how difficult it was being a teenager and that I knew how hard it was and that she could talk to me about anything. We cried together and talked about how very precious she is to me and how sad it would be if anything ever happened to her. And I told her that I thought that she might need to work on her self esteem, that she needed to love herself enough to know that no matter what you should always love & respect yourself. I shared a little about some mistakes I had made in my life and how if you were to ask anybody including me what the hardest time in their life has ever been they would say being a teenager!! She laughed.

She cried about how much she missed her older sister and I cried along with her telling her how much I did too and how painful it was for me to not have her around and how happy I was that she was around to make up for it. I asked her what her greatest fear was and she said not ever getting married....I kidded with her becasue she was the one that always asked me if she could live with me forever even if she got married and we laughed. I asked her to promise me that she would always come visit me because it would leave me only with dad and she was sooo much like me so loving, sensitive, giving, caring and so feeling (almost to a fault) and we giggled through our tears. She just went off to bed and my heart aches that I could have lost my baby today and can't help but feel somehow it was my fault....perhaps for not doing something to make her love herself more.

I feel as if her actions were impulsive and that she really didn't want to hurt herself but wonder if I should have her checked out anyway. She came down immediately after taking the Alleve but I could use some other opinions on this. My heart is breaking....my husband feels that she is going to be okay, that she just did a stupid thing that she regrets and that we will watch her & keep the lines of communicaiton open. I just thought I would come here and see what others may think. Thanks for the time you have taken to read through my post.

~ Goody

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 10-26-2005, 09:10 PM   #2
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Coweta, Oklahoma
Posts: 439
crisma HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Goody, I have followed a post of yours about your older daughter going to live with your brother, and though I have never replied to any of your posts, I thought I would chime in here. It doesn't sound to me like your daughter is in any danger of harming herself. It sounds like it was an impulsive decision. I think her opening up to you was probably all she needed. The teenage years are such a roller coster! I remember mine well. Do you really think that she would really try to harm herself? From reading some of your posts, you and your husband sound like amazing parents! I am sure the long talk you guys had was probably very helpful to her. I hope all is well now.

Cristie

 
Old 10-26-2005, 09:39 PM   #3
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Hi, Cristie Thanks for chiming in!! I really think that my daughter wouldn't go hurting herself again.....but I never thought that she would in the first place. So that's why I came here to see if I am doing the right thing by her.

I appreciate your gigantic pat on the back I could really use that right about now and it came at a good time....us mothers seem to think about everything just before going to bed making sure that we did our job well at the end of each day.

My gut tells me that she's okay....it just knocked the wind out of me the whole entire events of the day.

I appreciate your following my other thread about my older daughter.....yes there have been many adjustments for us as a family and I really didn't realize just how much my daughter was missing her older sister until she said so tonite. When they were together they seemed to be at one another's throats....even though I know that they love one another dearly. They speak almost every night on the phone or via IM. I know that each of us had made a sacrifice and my youngest has in her own way as well.

I made her promise that if she had anything that bothered her or was having difficulty dealing with that she wouldn't hesitate to tell me or ask me to bring her to talk to somebody if she ever needed to. I shared with her how I had went to a therapist when I needed help and she had helped me out quite a bit and that they weren't for crazy people....that everyone needs help sometime in their lives to guide them through some rough patches in their lives.

So I think we will keep a close eye on her.....her big sister comes in for a visit on Friday for the weekend and I will ask her to help out as well in spending some extra time with her little sis making up for some of the lost time they have missed being together. I know that will help.

Thanks again for chiming in....now I can go to sleep.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-26-2005 at 09:43 PM.

 
Old 10-27-2005, 03:49 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 1,402
Kiera1595 HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Hi Goody. I haven't talked to you in a while, so I thought I'd chime in.

I agree with the other poster...I think she is OK and just did a stupid thing. I wouldn't make her talk to anyone over this. Now if it happens again, that's a whole different ball game. But to me it sounds like she scared the crap out of herself and I doubt that she'll do something like that again.

I've told you about my past and I'll tell ya...14 and 15 were the hardest by far!! I dread the day my little ones get that old. But I remember getting upset, feeling bad about myself, but at the same time wanting sympathy from my parents...so I'd do something stupid and then immediately regret it, but then it's too late. I think I took about 10 aspirin once (like that would do anything ) And then I too freaked out. I didn't do it to harm myself, more that I needed some attention but quickly realized that was NOT the way to do it. And my parents were much like you, very loving, always there to listen, but I was just doing a dumb teenaghe thing.

I wish you luck as always. Remember in life "Go Slowly, Breathe and Smile" You'll get through it.

Take care
__________________
"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh

 
Old 10-27-2005, 05:26 AM   #5
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 11
piggywings HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Yeah, being a teenager sucked...

You sound like a fairly intelligent mother, the way that you spoke with her about it. Telling her your mistakes and showing her that she doesn't need to fear talking to you about something is very important.

If it helps, you might tell her that even tho the ppl at school won't often admit it, 75% of high school teenagers go through a serious depression at one point or another. Meaning that she is not alone for having felt that way, not at all. And that it passes and life changes a lot in college.

Also, a very large percentage of teenagers get counselor help during those years, you could look up the statistics. Counselors can teach you things that you'd never think of by yourself, that help in just the right way when you need it. Let it be her own thing, tell her she can tell the counselor anything in the world and that it stays private, so that she can unload any burdens she may be carrying.

Tell her the next time a similar situation arises, to just remember how she felt after the internet conversation thing and hurting herself, and to not do it again. To learn from mistakes is priceless.

Her reputation won't be a big deal in a couple of years. The important thing is that she learned she felt bad afterwards. Hopefully that is what sticks.

 
Old 10-27-2005, 07:49 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Oh Goody, my heart goes out to you AND to your daughter.
Basically I think it was a 14 yr old's lack of experience/judgement that got her into this. Not understanding that someone else's relationship is THEIR problem and not to get so deeply involved in "helping" a friend.
Part of me wants to say one magic word that might help...

Balance

In other words, you can let her know that you are disappointed in her, and the reasons that this was a bad choice, and your shock at choice of language -
but if this discussion went on (and on?) for some length of time it can actually call more focus on a ONE TIME incident than is necessary.

I DO understand why you reacted like you did - and you know that if I were in your shoes I would probably have my daughter locked up until she is 18... BUT, it was probably hard for a 14 yr old to be the focus of a very emotional discussion about boys and sex by her mom & dad. Especially that "disappointed" thing (which actually probably led to neither of us 3 sisters coming home pregnant - nothing worse than our father being "disappointed" in us!)

If I was striving for balance I would let this situation drop for now. If the boy happens to copy off the IM's and takes them to school that would be the time for your daughter & her friend to be honest about why they did what they did. I'd also suggest that she not even group date for awhile so that there is no kid who can manufacture any stories to go with the e-mails.

But, and I mean this from the bottom of my cybertwin heart, TOO much attention on this isn't going to be helpful to her self-esteem either. She'll just have reinforcement that she "screwed up". And she sounds delightful.

You have such wisdom that I know you'll get through this - your girls can talk to you about anything... I think it's more important that they feel the door is open rather than have them not open that door because they can't face the "disappointment". (And if that doesn't make sense my utmost apologies!!)
A BIG HUG,
Ruth

 
Old 10-27-2005, 09:34 AM   #7
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Thanks, Kiera....yes it's been a while and I really appreciate your words of encouragement in my time of need once again. It especially helped when you shared with me your having taken aspirin in a moment of poor judgement....afterall weren't we severely lacking in that as teens??? As a matter of fact....I just recently read how a teens part of the brain that is responsible for good judgement is underdeveloped....makes perfect sense to me. Thanks again for your warm words of support.

Piggywings ~ Lots of thanks to you as well!! Your advice was much appreciated and made me feel confident in the way I handled it. I know that I covered alot of ground in a short while and that I eased my daughter's worries in regard to how we love her despite the mistakes made in her life and that even us mothers make them.

And Ruth, my dearest cybertwin, as usual I feel right at home and your advice is wonderful and sooo comforting. I will reassure you that although my post was rather newsy and lengthy....the entire conversation about the IM took about 5 minutes....and after her friend left we spoke for about a half hour. Because you & I share such a wonderful bond I even shared with my daughter that she was not alone in her poor judgement, that when I was in my abusive relationship that I had taken a bottle of pills and as soon as I did I knew it was a mistake and immediately went to the drug store & got myself the bottle of ipecac syrup and if that didn't convince me never to do it again I don't know what would!!!!

Anyway you are exactly right about balance....my intentions are to spend more one on one time with my daughter and that the tming couldn't be more perfectly planned for her Big Sis to arrive home for her first visit tomorrow. I will recruit her to give her Little Sis a little more TLC in the form of time to make up for their time apart. And we did speak about the computer and my overall concerns as a mom regarding the dangers involved. My daughter brought up all on her own how she will not have much time for it once she tries out for the school play next week as well as Basketball and she would also like to take voice lessons in town...so once she is readily involved in these things I think her self confidence will be restored as well. So the focus is off.....as a matter of fact after this weekend we will reinstate her computer priveleges....I trust her, she's a great kid who just had a lack of judgement and is sooo much like her mom, it's scary!! And since I know this then she is sure to turn out okay because I did.....right???

I just wanted to let you know that your advice is right on and as usual I metaphysically knew that the step now would be to put this all behind us and go on as usual even before you said it. I must say that He didn't leave me alone for one milli-second.....for you bumped my thread up just about the time this all happened yesterday. And first thing this morning my two best friends were in touch with me....the first one who I told you always senses when I need her most who called me by phone and the second, well he touched base with me in his own metaphysical way too .

So He sent in a fleet of His angels.....in perfect trinity in my time of need reminding me once again that I am never alone. Thanks for reminding me of that!!!

Love & ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody surrounded by angels

Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-27-2005 at 10:47 AM.

 
Old 12-01-2005, 07:20 PM   #8
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Coweta, Oklahoma
Posts: 439
crisma HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Hi Goody! I was wondering how your daughter was doing? I hope all is well.

Cristie

 
Old 12-01-2005, 11:31 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,080
Piranna65 HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

She is at a very confusing age...I remember my early teen years being hell, and i wish i never had to go through them. I thought in negative ways but never acted on any of them. Im not excusing what your daugther attempted to do, and I think it would be worth having her talk to someone.

It makes me think there is more behind this too. Maybe she's had other issues building up inside her, then having you and your husband become dissapointed in her didnt help. It's scary to think she tried to OD on pain pills. This is serious goody...i read somewhere that most people that attempt suicide almost immediatly change their mind and dont want to die...example the pills. And your daughter changing her mind.

She's so young and shouldnt think anything is worth her life. I would find a teen group or something, there must be something in your area that she can get involved in. Please take this seriously....as im sure you will.

 
Old 12-04-2005, 09:45 AM   #10
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Hi Goody! I was wondering how your daughter was doing? I hope all is well.

Cristie
Thanks, Cristie for checking in on us. My daughter seems to be doing well, it's definitely a time to be keeping the doors of communication open....we certainly are doing well with that.

My daughter just recently made the lead in her school play, she has wanted to make a lead for many years now and with patience and perseverence her moment to shine has arrived....the timing couldn't be better.

She has had some issues with friends that she has confided in me about....we talk more and the other day she left me a note telling me that if she ever needed anybody to talk to that she knew that I would be the first person she could go to. That in itself showed me that she feels comfortable enough to discuss things that seem to be bothering her.

Last night she came home all upset. I asked her how her evening was, she had been out with friends. She told me that she should have come home earlier, that the evening was awful. It was late and she wanted to call another friend....I told her it was late but that I would love to listen. She told me that just yesterday a boy she liked had asked her out and that the entire evening while with a bunch of friends another girl, who recently became one of her closest friends, was all over him. She said she was sitting on his lap and it made her sick and she wanted to leave so badly. I asked her why she hadn't called me to get her earlier and she said it was because she knew that we had our friends visiting & didn't want to bother us. I told her that she was much more important to us than our friends and that if she EVER found herself in an awkward situation, that she should call us no matter what!!! She promised she would. I told her that she was going to have her share of broken hearts and that perhaps she wasn't quite ready for dating and that was okay. She is devastated and everything seems to be so painful....I just hope that I can get her through these crazy years in one piece. Is it normal for everything to be so dramatic??? After thinking our talk went so well, she is on the phone and computer with her friends and sobbing hearing that this boy is going to break up with her because of the way she acted last night. I comforted her telling her that although that was going to be painful, she needed to tell this boy that she acted the way she did because another girl who she thought was her friend was acting quite nasty and that made her uncomfortable and to ask him how he may have felt if the situation were reversed and a guy friend of his did similar things.

It hurts me to see that she is feeling as if she did something wrong when she didn't. I have decided to let her vent a little linger with her friends and then play some games, make her some hot cocoa and just let her relax allowing her to see that we care about her and are here for her. For Christmas, we got her a guitar with an amplifier...she wants to learn how to paly and has written a few songs. She will be starting vocal lessons and the same place can do guitar lessons if she want them. I think her working on her talents and doing what she loves most will help her through.

She belongs to the church Youth Group and goes every Sunday to the meetings. As a matter of fact they are going to go out shopping for Christmas presents for kids less fortunate today....I think this will help out as well.

She also asked for a punching bag....she has taken karate but doesn't like the centers here where we recently moved so we are thinking of getting her a small punching bag to allow her to vent her frustrations. They have one that is geared towards those who have taken karate so I am looking into that as well. I want to give her an opportunity to vent her anger outward in a healthy way. I am also going to suggest that she journal her feelings rather than holding them in that will eventually take a toll on her. Once again she told me that she needs to cry and let things out and that I do not have to worry about her hurting herself....that she would talk to me or her friends rather than ever doing anything stupid like that again. I think that is a good sign. She is laughing through tears at present after some good friends have called and spoken to her....that's a good sign.

Any advise or input as to how I may further handle the situation would of course be appreciated.

Thanks for caring ~ Goody

 
Old 12-06-2005, 08:42 PM   #11
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Coweta, Oklahoma
Posts: 439
crisma HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Oh the teenage years! I have 2 boys and my oldest is almost 13, so I am just beginning to get a taste of it. I hope I am up for the roller coster ride!

I'll bet she is happy to get the lead. How great for her! What play is it?

It is so nice that she feels that she can confide in you. I had, and still have a terrible relationship with my mother. I wish I would have been able to talk to my mom about things. I try to keep the lines open with my kids and so far it is working. My oldest tells me things that alot of boys would never talk to their moms about. I am so blessed to have a close relationship with him.

I will say again you are such a great mom! I hope I can be as good as a mom that you seem to be. Your daughters are lucky to have you! I would have given anything to have a mom like you!

Doesn't it break your heart when they are going through the childhood pain that we as moms cannot just kiss and make it better? Apperently her close friend isn't that much of a friend. Oh the drama! It is perfectly normal, but do you remember being that dramatic? I don't , but my son could sometimes win an oscar with all of his drama!

I think a punching bag is a great idea. If I had the room, I would have one for my kids. I wouldn't mind punching it myself sometimes ! A journal is also a great idea. I had one in my teenage years and it helped me alot. I really don't think you have to worry about her trying to hurt herself. I thing it was just a spur of the moment thing that she did, and I think she learned her lesson from it. It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders.14 is such a hard age. I think from 12 to 14 are probably the worst! Not quite a kid, but not old enough for anything.

I don't think you need much advise on how to handle the lovely teenage years. You are doing a great job! But it is nice to have someone else to listen. How is your older daughter doing at your brothers? I hope all is good with her.

Cristie

 
Old 12-07-2005, 10:34 AM   #12
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Concerned About 14 Year Old Daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Oh the teenage years! I have 2 boys and my oldest is almost 13, so I am just beginning to get a taste of it. I hope I am up for the roller coster ride!
Cristie ~ Thanks for your wonderful support!!! As far as rollercoater rides are concerned....it sure helps when you know that others are around to share the ride!!! That's what has helped me along the way so much, knowing that I am not the only one going down the scarey drops One dear friend told me that just when I was getting off the ride with one to expect to get right back on with the other and he couldn't have been more right!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
I'll bet she is happy to get the lead. How great for her! What play is it?
The play is "Bye, Bye Birdie" and the lead she got isn't such a big one but it gets her out on the stage for most of the play with lines and singing in small groups with other main leads....so we are really excited about that. My brother's entire family plans to come in as well as my other daughter to provide her with a big audience!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
It is so nice that she feels that she can confide in you. I had, and still have a terrible relationship with my mother. I wish I would have been able to talk to my mom about things. I try to keep the lines open with my kids and so far it is working. My oldest tells me things that alot of boys would never talk to their moms about. I am so blessed to have a close relationship with him.
I can't begin to tell you how important that is to be able to allow them the opportunity to know that we are there for them and that we love them despite the mistakes they make.....if we can do that then I see that as being half the battle. We can't help them unless we know what's going on....right???

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
I will say again you are such a great mom! I hope I can be as good as a mom that you seem to be. Your daughters are lucky to have you! I would have given anything to have a mom like you!
Wow, Cristie, hearing you say this really makes my day!!! I know that being a mom is very important to me and being a good mom is my highest aspiration in life. What a reward it is to hear you say something like this to me...thanks for that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Doesn't it break your heart when they are going through the childhood pain that we as moms cannot just kiss and make it better? Apperently her close friend isn't that much of a friend. Oh the drama! It is perfectly normal, but do you remember being that dramatic? I don't , but my son could sometimes win an oscar with all of his drama!
Yes......it pains me to see my daughter going through such pain. Kids can be sooo cruel and these days there is so much out there that is out of our control. Our kids spend more than 70% of their time in school and with friends. That is why we must monitor their influence on our kids....it's really scarey!!!

My daughter went into school after her 3 day romance ended up in a breakup. She was thrilled with the amount of support and how everybody at school flocked to her side and the girl who did the "lap dance" with her guy was all alone. I told her that it must have been good to know that she had so many who sympathized with her but to be careful not to make the other girl pay for a mistake for the rest of her life.......to make sure that she showed her friends that she was willing to rise above it and not hate the girl for the rest of her life.

Well last night when my daughter was going to the school winter concert with other friends as she was leaving, the girl's mom who hurt my daughter, called to tell me that some prank calls came in from a boy & when she *69ed it our number rang. I apologized and said that I would find out what occurred by discussing it with my daughter. I told my daughter that her plans were cancelled until we got to the bottom of what was going on. Turns out when my daughter called a boy who she is friends with that he thought it would be a good idea to do a three way in which he told the girl that it wasn't nice to touch another girls BF. I told my daughter that it was wrong of her to persist in harassing this girl, that she shouldn't encourage her friends to do so either and that it was wrong. She went on to say that the friend hurt her and she didn't care blah, blah, blah......I told her that it was wrong to bring hurt upon another just because they hurt you and that she should be happy to have the support of other friends and but not wish bad things upon another person even if they did hurt you because then you become just as bad as them. She was mad at me for feeling this way....she asked why we were punishing her not allowing her to go to the concert...we told her that she could go but would first have to make things right by providing an apology to the girls parents for being part of the prank call...that it was the right thing to do. She refused at first, then proceeded to call & apologized to the father. When she hung up I told her how proud I was of her for doing the right thing and rising above it all...she started to sob and I embraced her in my arms and cried with her telling her that I understood how painful it was what this girl did to her and that her pain wouldn't get better by doing bad things but it would change the person that she is into a not so nice person. She listened and I told her that her friends needed to see the good in her by her telling them how lucky she is to have their support and her telling them that as much as they wanted to hurt the other girl that that is not her way and that she wouldn't want her friends getting in any trouble at school or at home on her account. I told my daughter that there was a good chance that her friends would get in trouble if the principal saw them doing or saying bad things to their girl on her behalf and I knew that she wouldn't want that to happen. And Cristie, when I said that, she understood!! That's the greatest gift a mom can get!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
I think a punching bag is a great idea. If I had the room, I would have one for my kids. I wouldn't mind punching it myself sometimes ! A journal is also a great idea. I had one in my teenage years and it helped me alot. I really don't think you have to worry about her trying to hurt herself. I thing it was just a spur of the moment thing that she did, and I think she learned her lesson from it. It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders.14 is such a hard age. I think from 12 to 14 are probably the worst! Not quite a kid, but not old enough for anything.
Turns out my husband had a punching bag...I am ordering some training gloves in pink for Christmas!!! And the journaling has already been suggested!!! I agree with you in regard to wanting to hurt herself...she has told me several times since what a stupid thing it was for her to do!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
I don't think you need much advise on how to handle the lovely teenage years. You are doing a great job! But it is nice to have someone else to listen. How is your older daughter doing at your brothers? I hope all is good with her.
Once again, thank you, Cristie, for the kind words!!

As far as my older daughter...she is doing quite well. Got straight A's her first quarter and is working a part time job at Quiznos. She has her application in for University of DE for early admission and it's just a matter of time that we will hear whether or not she has been accepted. I pray that she is...for I will not be there to cushion the dispapointment if she is not and I couldn't bear that!! She has grown alot both physically and emotionally since being away and just seeing how well she is doing convinces me that letting go and making the sacrifice was definitely worth it. When they are happy and they thrive then we know as mothers that we are doing the right thing!!!

Thanks for being there, Cristie.....I am happy to listen and help you through any scarey parts of your rollercoaster ride anytime!! There are times, I have learned, that all we can do is throw our hands up and SCREAM!!

(((((HUGS))))) from one mom to another ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 12-08-2005 at 06:21 AM.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
1 year being clean! kitty13 Addiction & Recovery 9 04-20-2010 09:18 PM
Concerned Mother sib Human Papillomavirus (HPV) 4 01-12-2009 04:28 PM
Concerned about my 7 yr. old dd weight angela5271 Children's Health 32 08-25-2008 10:51 AM
My daughter's teacher is concerned... tlhalabama Parenting Issues 3 04-14-2008 12:50 PM
Concerned and Confused about ADHD Diagnosis tlhalabama ADD / ADHD 8 04-01-2008 08:28 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Seraph (8), writeleft (6), rudiraven (4), marisuela (4), Curious One (3), noevr (3), katlin09 (3), jilas0127 (3), Foxxii (3), Beth Ann (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1007), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (851), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:04 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!